2005 14 July :: 9.53 am
:: Music: Sideways by Citizen Cope
(......) I AM MVP, MAKE ME CEO....my brother
- The dots above in the subject stands for a bad word)
Hello, Don't know why I am writing anything here, but you will be happy to see I am using spell check in my Google tool bar, so hopefully i wont annoy you with my wonderful attempts at spelling elementary words! But OK, my mom and i went yesterday to buy a car, which we will be picking up on Friday! Its the same car we have, I like it, the color is crazy dark blue but it doesn't have a spoiler i am pissed about that. while we were buying this car it was raining so the sales guy did his whole routine in the car. This lady smacked the shit out of her face with her car door, her hair flew everywhere and she dropped her notebook. I laughed so hard I thought iIwas bad. The guy selling us the car like ducted down behind the seal b/c he pointed and laughed at her and her husband saw him. He was cracking up. Then he told this story about at waitress falling! A man after my own heart....too bad he is married. Yesterday was just one of those days. Then on the way home some ass in a truck almost ran us off the road. That was very scary b/c he would of taken out the entire passenger side of our car...then we couldn't get our new car or i would be dead. Crazy ass. Yesterday I almost beat the crap out of the movie store worker. She was going to stand there and argue with me, So I left. Not much more to say. My brother is in ATL (aka hot-Lanta) for work. He called at like 11:30 with this bluegrass playing in the background.....I couldn't even hear him, being a true dummy. but that's Ray!
I am going to go work it out.
2005 3 July :: 8.41 pm
:: Mood: pissed off
:: Music: Jonny Lang
Ramblings...i need help with my road rage.You lmost hit me, you deserve being cussed the hell out~
Well Bitches I am 20~
Not much going on, my mom is in Bosnia...i know how odd, but i talked to her twice, she sounds so happy, and alive. My omo, i feel hasnt gotten over her dad dying 3 years ago. So she needed this, she needed the time to be away and focus on herself, i think we all need that in our lives, some more than others (like myself), but yeah nothign going on. I had cake for my birthday thats about it got some money, I have been babbysitting, that has been a kick in the ass, but fun, kids are funny, annnoying at times but fun. the highlight has been the 7 year old girl turinging to her one brother and saying "Well Your Mom" I almost died. but yeah its been good. My bother got a new job, a better job with cingular, so iam very hppy for him, maybe he will stop calling every 20 minutes, but i love him. so yeah iam 20 and nothing new, no new feelings, jsu tthe thought of in 10 years i will be 30..WTF. but yeah The feelings on the whole birthday thing is this. I find it shity that people i have known for a long time dont even have enough respect to say happy birthday i mean i dont want a card, I mean i loved how people sent ims's or a text message, or signed that thing on facebook. That was amamzing to me, but iam done with people. I mean i sent a card and a text message to some people, and you cant even get a fucking Happy Birthday on AOL...That is just sad. Ok iam over that. Respect this missing and you need to find it. Oh and another thing I have never in my life wanted to hit soemone so bad. There are people out there i have known for 13 + years and they act like they dont even know you...thats some shady shit. I ran into Kerstin from Highschool I was very happy to see her. I am starting to miss old friendships, hopefully i dont loose them all, but some need cut loose for real. I mean after a certain point does knowing someone by name and knowing them in highschool count as being friends now? I think not.
anyways, i alwys say ntohign is going on, but there is alot. I suffer form road rage. I have cussed 4 people out while driving the past 2 weekends, i got my hair cut...HAHAHA yeah me, damn its short, but i like it. I mean its not like SHORT...but compared to it before its short. My mom wont belive it when she comes home. I went to my aunts and uncles for supper today, and my aunt ask me if i was dating anyone, I said No, I dont have time for that, she syas " you just cant find the right person" I was thinking Shit I havent been looking, i knew before i went over there that question would be asked. and to my surprise we are on the same political wave length, she is a little but more extereme saying that (you kow who) is the Anti Christ. and being dead serious, this statement form her was Great..b/c she is sucha religous person. I loved it. And I love their house its Very Ecletic and is different everytime i go there. but it was good. and i got to see the Crutchman's some of the best people i know. So yeah there is an update. Long I know but hell i like to ramble...I am going to go see War of The world, Bye
2005 20 June :: 1.34 am
:: Mood: sad
:: Music: silence
Small Update, i wish i had good news everyday...my heart is starting to hurt
Well I decied to update, I dont use my computer anymore since we switch internet services at home, but htere is that much to say. I only have 2 more microecon classes to go. I got a 49 out of 50 on my first test, and a 51 out of 50 on the 2nd one, so i will be done this week. my birtday is coming up in 8 more days. I am not exited abotu turing 20 b/c i still feel like i am 18, where have the past 2 years gone? I wish someone could tell me. What happen to being young and ahving fun, that part must of skipped me. but anyways, i got my hair cut yesterday...i hate getting my hair cut, but it needed to be done...sigh, that is all the personal news going on in my life at the moment...wow exciting...summer is going to fast, if only i knew what was going on.
but the main reason i wrote was to say if you are reading this, keep andrew boadwater and his family in your prayers. Andrew passed away today. It is always hard to see someone that you know die, it is ever harder when that person is your peer, and near your age, so may God bless his soul and lift the spirits of his family and friends. Its a sad day to say good bye to someone, but is hopefull to know he is in a better place.
2005 29 May :: 8.37 pm
:: Music: Basketball game
More Deep Ranting
Wel.. i finally got my computer to work, so i decied to update! I havent benn doing anything but sleeping and reading/writing
I am laying off thinking about my major for about a week, but i think about it all the time. I eny people who know what they want in life... I finally got my grades up I ended up with a 3.6 this semester so i made the deans list! I am happy about it b/c i worked my ass off this year. So now i can decalre my major, whatever that might be. But i went to church today, i am glad i went something made me go, and no it was not my mom. I was thinking today
about all the people you meet in your life, and the reason you know them. and the reason why some stay and some go. and the reason why you can't forget about soem of them. It takes me a logn time to consider someone a friend. I dont make friends easily, and jsut b/c i knwo someone for 2 minues doesnt make that person my friend. If i can talk about religion or politics i can but you up for a canidate for friend. So for the people who read this and i have called you friend. Then yes, we are still friends. There might be some reason why are firendship isnt strong, either a mis understanding, on my part or your part(probly on your part b/c iam always right :) but iam someone who doesnt hold a grudge, I live, I learn, I Move the Hell on. So I guess if you are reading this, and taking it to heart then know i am your firend, weather its is obvious or not.
I know this is rambling and ranting, but its the truth.
I have come to a point in my life yes... a point n 19 (almost 20 years) that things in my life need to change, people need to change, I need to meet more Good people. there are alot of things i need to feel, experience, and learn..and no that doesnt mean I need to gt amrried or get drunk. It jsut means I need to do some "soul searching" and to quote john mayer " something is misssing and I dont know what it is" Ok that ends that cheesiness. So i guess iam jsut rambling b/c i rather be asleep right now....I am going to go call my brother and make fun of him b/c he is planting flowers!!!!
Back home for summer :\
Home For Summer...well things suck, my mom has something wrong with her lympnots i know that is spelled wrong. I of course broke down, b/c most people think Cancer. that is the first thing that came to my mind, if i lost my mom i would die, b.c as of right now who would i have to turn to? God? I am jsut waiting like everyone eles, and my dad had to have a CAT scan to, yeah he has high liver enzymes, the same thing my mom had, so this started out great. and when do I find out? when iam moving my shit out of my dorm. yeah a whle week, I was wondering why I haven talked to my brother, I guess form what my mom said he is taking it hard. We both worry too much. Its just always something. this is not about me, this is about my family. ok I need to move on to something positive. But yeah my grades look great iam expecting a 3.6 or 3.4..i worked my ass off this year,,,, Can any one believe I am startign my 3 rd year and i will be 20, this is crazy. Just so much thinking going on, too much. Oh yeah and iam back at square one with my major...there are days I wish I was addicted to something. but yeah this summer is going to shit, plaine and simple. you can say I am happy to be home so i dont have to deal wiht school work and people. but I hate being back home. I love my parents, and everyhing, but there is something about being here that jsut pisses me off. I start my micro econ class on Monday...so much for a break. The highlight fo rthe summer will be going to go see my brother.
I got to see Green day and My Chemical Romance about a week ago, I like both of them alot. I am glad I got to go. We had amzing streets, I couldnt hear for 2 days and i thought i los tmy eyebrows form the pyro
*Have you ever been judged by people who thnik they know you. Have you ever been judged by people who will never know you?
Have you ever been judged by people who cant judge themselves
Have you evr been judgde by someone who isnt good enough to judge you...look in the fucking mirror.
2005 18 April :: 12.41 am
:: Mood: cold
:: Music: nothing
This was going to be short, but once i start i cant stop thinking..... :)
Well things have been ok lately...school cant be over soon enough.. teaching poetry has been amazing...the only problem is i need to write a poem about it and do a crap load for that class...so that will be the reat of my semester..i am jsut happy to done with school and i want to take a trip somewhere, by myself ( or if i had a someone to go with that would be cool too, but i dont ahve anyone) i want to go away. And this kid i had class with (chris) said something to me while i ran into him goign to my class, and he said you should go on a trip. i was like my classic "WHAT?" but he is right i need to go away...you know like regroup and focus on what i want in this Crazy life... and during that conversasion he said i should be an english major..that is the 2nd time someone has said that to me. so maybe i will change my minor to writing...you see my strong hold on everything happends for a reason is stayign strong. their is a reason for everything. I jsut wish some reasons were more clear...alot more clear. I wish this missing things in my heart were clear.
line of poetry for today
" My cutting thoughts are bleeding thier way to my hert"
2005 10 April :: 11.38 am
:: Mood: awake
:: Music: My NASTY ASS Neighbor Hackign in the Bathroom....YES!
Well form my last entry you can say I have been in a shitty mod latley....yes I have been, from having troblue with my major to people just being flat out annoying! I can say I am ok now. Its jsut the end of the year and I am Bi-Polar. so day to day i change. but not much has been going on. I actully have alot to do i forgot i have a book review due (well the draft) due on Tuesday and iam not done with the book and I have a test in Art which is easy, but this Teaching Poety in the schools thing is going to be a pain. i have to go to the schools 4 times this week...I am not happy about this, but I have to do it! anyways thats the short update,,,,no worries people I am Stable
PS WHO THE FUCK TAKES THIER CELL PHONE WITH THEM IN THE SHOWER....JUST A QUESTION TO PONDER!!
2005 1 April :: 10.06 pm
:: Mood: sick
:: Music: J LO - Rebirth
Well Its Friday. And i jsut want summer to come. I just love how life loves to dick me over no matter what is going on. My alligeries are crazy and I am just in plain bitch mode. and I just want ot snap on everyone. I was informed today that my advisor doubts i will be able to declare my major anfter this sesmester..i think her math is wrong but oh well. I just want this semester to be over for alot of reasons,,this place pisses me off. people piss me off and yeah i can say iam pissed. I just want to graduate and start my job.,,thats all I want in life to take photos and be proud of my work. I dont need anything eles other than my camera and my eyes. and thats it..friends are ok..but not a focus point for me. god i hate being here sometimes
2005 29 March :: 12.51 am
:: Mood: good
:: Music: Classic Soul Ballads..yes the Time Life collection from TV!!
Putting songs on the iPod :)
Well hello. I am back at kent from Spring Break/Easter. Break was good! i got to see some of my firends including Selina and Gina B ( and baby Noah) but it was great to see selina b/c i havent seen her in a long time. I swear we are the only ones who see the strange ass shit that goes on in Fayette County..we were in teh mall and we see this lady petting a dog..." Selina: is that a dog that lady is carrying?" "Me: Yes, and there isnt a pet store in the mall" Fun times! i got to spend the day with Gina B which was alot of fun! but I love Easter its my favortie time of the year to go to mass. I went on Thursday, Friday Evening mass, and Easter Vigil for 2 and 1/2 hours on Saturday. I dont know but i just like to go alot. I know it sounds "crazy" to some people but it works for me. So iam back at kent EWWW but yeah only 6 more weeks, I am not excited to go home for 3 months, but iam happy that i wont have to do all this school work and shit. Eventhough iam taking 3 or 6 credits..The funniest moment of today was when Beth and I were walking back from the rec and we see 2 people climb into the grate that goes underground....yeah that was the funniest thing i have ever seen in my life!! Randomness. But i was dissapointed b/c I didnt get to talk to alot of people at mass and stuff B/c we had to leve the church in silence...yeah so i mad about, but its good to see people are Alive.
Well I am going to sleep.
OH yeah I got a great green ipod for Easter. and got yelled at by my brother for not coming to visit him over my break...so yeah i could jsut get on a plane and show up at his door and it would be cool....i dont know about that.! but its cool. maybe i will go there for my birthday b/c my mom will be in Bosnia...yeah i said Bosnia for a religious Retreat. I wish i could go not only for religous reasons but so i can go over seas, and take photos....ooo how i wish i had money!
2005 8 March :: 12.25 am
:: Music: Mariah Carey- its like that
Not much going on,,, I got to go home this weekend I had to get my hair done..you know..but anywyas I got to see Gina B and Baby Noah..He is jsut amazing and beautiful. I wanted to cry when i saw him, but i kept myself together. I am excited to go home for spring break. This week is goign to to filled with studyig b/c Hell Week # 2 is coming up. But I went To Maplewood to Teach Poetry today..it was i guess ok...We only had 1 fall asleep and about 5 not write anyhting at all...they are in 11th grade, but we had like 4 wirte some really good stuff. I wasn't that nervous about it, but it wasnt easy. I understand its a vocational schooland most of them dont give 2 shits about an english class, but at least try and show some respect. I just think in highschool I was differnet and going to a catholic school there is always a different level of respect. I would of loved to have College kids come in and teach, your not graded and it doesnt matter if you wirte. Just try. but I am jsut glad I am not being a teacher...I can't handle the no respect thing. I understand that not everyone likes or wants to write , and its something I love to do, but just try, you dont have to share, you don't have to be good, b/c everyone is good at wrtiing poetry. its just what ever you want it to be. I am jsut glad its a quick 40 minutes...I am excited about 4th grade on Wendsday... Its just funny to see how the older we get..the more and more alone we become and unwilling to be different and just try different thing..." we are so mature we revesre and become Prematue"...thats a line from my poem Premature....well i need to read a shit load...good night!
Why cant I be on Spring break..or away for spring break
2005 28 February :: 12.04 am
:: Mood: creative/?
:: Music: nirvana-you know you are right
not much to say
well i dont have much to say, i think i always say that and it turns into some long drawn out rambling...i jsut have been super annoyed by everything and everyone. College Sucks, If you knew me before college, I havent changed a bit, I might be the most depressing person, Ok i bitched about highschool and how bad I wanted out, but now I want out of here even more, if i have to spend an extra semester here I will kill somone...maybe not kill them but hurt someone. My emotions should not be up and down like this, no iam not chemicaly emblanced, I just dont think its fun, they say highschools are your best years...THAT WAS A LIE..then the people who disagreed with that were told College is the best 4 years of your life....well THAT WAS A LIE TOO! i jsut dont like school and the problem wouldnt be solved by transfering, b/c its too late and i think i would feel the same way no matter where I went....Everything Sucks...jsut liek this song iam listening to by modest mouse..i have to change this crap. I just want it to snow so i dont have to go to class, or to some elementry school, b/c as of right now i have no way to get there. I need a car, then maybe i will be happier, but a car isnt an option....finally a good song by Live- I alone...how fitting
Howdy..didnt feel like saying "hey"
Well I just wanted to say hello, and that iam so glad this past week is over..3 exams and a paper that ended up getting pushed back and no sleep....it really sucked! so i caught up on sleep this weekend
(I want to go see Maroon 5 at CSU (which is Celeveland State) but anywas they are coming April 18th and I dont have a car so i dont know how this is going to work) ok enough ranting. Well i went to Kent's b-ball game on Sat. how about i was on TV...well yeah basically b/c the mascot (Flash...i know my school is great) fell from crowd surfing b/c beth, me and gina decied not to help in the effort,,,and a person in a damn eagle outfit fell from at least 8ft in front of my feet onto some hard ass stands....yeah we didnt even help him up! that was funny as hell b/c he was knocked out for a minute or two! but yeah that was fun. But they lost on national TV...but Antonio Gates was there...yeah he played b-ball at kent, but now paly football for the chargers..and he is fine and he needs to give me his watch!. so it was a good thing. but iam going to sleep..night
2005 10 February :: 1.18 am
:: Mood: worried
:: Music: Gavin Degraw
Iam gonna love you more than anyone...how fitting
Well i cant say this is going to be a rant. but a deep thought. I laid down to go to sleep last night and that is the time when all my thoughts come. i know its a shitty time, when all you want to do is sleep, b/c you have to get up in 5 hours and go to class...ok maybe there might be a little ranting. but here is what i was thinking about. i know its the most random thought, but with the great commercial holiday coming up...Valentines day...i want to talk about love. I don’t have any personal experience in this department, but i consider myself intelligent. And one day. Hopefully and truthfully i will be in love or feel love in my life. But i was thinking...ok i need stop ranting to get my point out before all of you stop reading! so here it is:
Is it possible to be jealous of someone you don’t even know. i mean you don’t know this persons name let alone who the are, and the bad thing is you don’t care…ok quick break...(THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ANYTHING,ANYONE, but possibly as specific time! but ok)
What if you never spoke up and said you liked someone or that you have fallen madly in love with the idea of being in love. and that person has no idea, not a clue, and they are dating/in love with another girl. Who you don’t care to know there name, but jealously just takes over. I don’t consider my self a jealous person, but this is a good question (well hell i think its damn good) but ok. you see these "couples" wishing it was you. Then you start to wonder what is wrong with me? What is wrong with them? What do they see that I can't, Or what do people see when they look at me? Then you start to blame them with..."she’s not the pretty", "She is stupid" and the infamous "she is a bitch". Or the other route of "i bet he is talking to her right now, while lying in bed, and here I am in my extra long twin bed in my jail cell...alone. So what makes us women and men start to make up questions and worry about these people you don’t even know? I think the answer to that my friends is jealously another break…(my hair is in my face and i cant see...) ok took care of the problem. So people am I right, or am i wrong? What drives us to think these crazy thoughts at 2:30 am.. write them down in real journals...then have the nerve to write them down for the world to see? Maybe its just me, and i have some deep. And i mean deep seeded problem with love, or I am subconsciously jealous of make-believe people...
That my friends is the thought of the week…hopefully the next will be a Rant…for all my rant loving fans…Oh yeah I know people read this so post a comment. They make me feel important!
2005 31 January :: 12.53 am
:: Mood: drained
:: Music: Loud people out side....bitches
I need some Fresh Air..this place is suffocating me
well this is going to be short- maybe
I am going to sleep while its quite around here
School has been shitty. i have felt sick ever since i got back here, but my mom says its stress...i never felt like this before..like iam on the ferge of puking, but i talked to my mom yesterday and i fell 100% better. i dont know if its this place, or me. i just need to stop thinking and jsut let things flow. but yeah i got to talk to gina b, so iam calm now. i jsut cant wait to see her and baby noah. and my mom informed me that ray and melissa want to start having kids by next summer...what? me an aunt..iam too young for all this, but really iam not...iam happy. things seem to be going well. i went to church today..i felt good for going. i feel guilty when i dont go, no matter how lame the priest is. there is this energy inside a church...and iam missing something. but yeah iam trying to get grounded in this crazy world..i just need space, quiet, a pen and a paper, and iam good
i started writing poetry again...so my head is in a good place. iam going to sleep now, so good night and Be Safe
* i have been obessed with Parson's school of Design. I want to get my master in Photography from there, or get a master in Advetising(which is cool. b/c you cant major in PR and Advertsiing here....how stupid)
* Everyone watch Project Runway, American Idol, and the Road to stardom...i know iam lame as hell( my future husband Akil Dasan is on that show.....he palys real music)
Blessed are the poor in spirit they shall inherite the earth.......