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:: 2005 18 May :: 8.13pm

for ever and always...
I always want to change the layout of this journal but eventually everything cycles back around and it just makes perfect sense. I will leave it alone. I thought I had escaped cycles by now considering how hard I worked last year to defeat them but they are always there I have some long term deep rooted personal traditions that I can't avoid and that's ok. I think I can work with it now because there are some things that you just can't fight and I don't want to. It's hard not to spend this time of year reflecting on how much things have changed over the past months. It's interesting, I almost want to say it's sad but I can't because it's not. It just is. I going to hold out though, hold on to the faith that there IS something out there, something coming for me that I can throw myself into without fear and without doubt. Just dive in with a naked soul and trust unconditionally, becuase the only downside to change is that you become hardened, desensitized to losing things and people because you have only been waiting for them to leave from the start. There are times when we can't even trust our own convictions but I DO believe somewhere in the depths of my twisted religion that there is something that will be worth it, that can penetrate the shell of experience. Until then there is change. Until then any notion of forever is a myth, it's a lie we tell ourselves. Forever gets us through the present but you always know that it isnt there, not really. We feign disappointment when the illusion doesn't pan out because it allows us to feel. If you believe that you never saw it coming then you don't have to face the fact that you knew it all along. I don't care who you are, everyone has an inherent cynnic. Despite all that I know that something is forever and that one day the upswing of the cycle will stick. But for now it's just another year and everything has changed.


1 lost in the moment | take my hand


:: 2005 29 March :: 11.53pm


take my hand


:: 2005 7 March :: 6.55pm
:: Mood: lazy

i love friends
i love fun
i love weekends minus sundays
i love driving
i love sunny beaches and hot boys that are found there
i hate school and all that comes along with it.
less than two weeks, and i will be driving to gainesville with my buddy sans parents.
that will be the high point until summer, a damn apex if you ask me.
get the ipods and radar detectors and car games ready, cause here we come. : D

3 lost in the moment | take my hand


:: 2005 5 March :: 2.21pm

no one comes here anymore. i'm surprised i remembered my own password!

1 lost in the moment | take my hand


:: 2005 22 January :: 6.23pm

There's so much about being happy that confuses me. Like I don't have stress or obligations or...anything. But I do have my friends and I love my friends and I love driving around in search of racist movies all day and doing random things but I don't feel like it's....okay to be content with that, like I should want more for myself but I'm not quite sure what. I think it's also my old feeling of paranoia which isnt completely unfounded because...shit happens. What if I lose my friends for some reason then what will I have I can't rely on just one thing in my life it's too scary idk if that makes sense at all I'm just so damn tired of being completely codependant in every aspect of my life : \

And I don't like how I am acting lately I feel like a bad person in general.

Aside from that the irony of it all is...I'm happier than I have been in so long. And now when I finally know how to be happy and not be so intense about everything, no guys in sight. I went from having too many when I wasn't ready to handle it, to none when I am finally in a place where I could probably pull off a normal low stress relationship. That's life I suppose I'm fine with it I guess.


take my hand


:: 2005 18 January :: 5.55pm
:: Mood: cold
:: Music: mae- soundtrack for our movie

I started to ache when I started to think of you, Wondering how long it would take before I step into something new.
There's only so much I can fake, There's only so much that I can prove.
Well, do it in a minute, I could go play the fool for you.

Lights, camera, action, I think I'm going for it this time.
There's something you should listen to, Could I take you for a car ride?
This is the soundtrack for our movie.
Would you tell me when we get to the best part?
I'll play it for you.
Oh no, I think I've lost this one, Can we try again?

Well I'm a wreck.
I really can't explain it but I, I hear the music when I look at you.
Orchestrating the song to accommodate the moment.
Well, I'm so in love with you.

Are you looking for an answer?
Because I could really use a friend tonight.
We can make this last forever, we don't have to fear the sunlight.

I'll take a chance and steal away this movie moment.

I'm in deep whenever I'm with you.
I'm directing the scene that has you and me forever.
We'll I'm so in love with...


take my hand


:: 2005 15 January :: 5.31pm
:: Mood: okay
:: Music: relient k

i'm don't have anything to say, except i like this cd, it could be their best yet. um. one more thing, i'm happy for friends that know how to make me keep going.

no i don't hate you,
don't want to fight you,
you know i'll always love you
but right now i just don't like you
cause you took this too far

take my hand


:: 2005 15 January :: 4.29pm

so eljay is malfunctioning. GASP. how do i know what my friends are doing every second? i only wish i was being facetious :-/

the first week back was alright...thursday after NHS tina kat and i adventured to dunkin donuts. "are you hispanic?" ...no. lol. it was good spending time with tina :) she gets me. friday afternoon we all got very wet cuz...yea it was raining hard. i broke my shoe :-/ ...hey mom, do i hear new shoes? :D i just got new shoes tho....oh well! then at night christine, rach, danielle, jess, adam, armando, ari, and i met up to see a movie and eat at carrabas. we saw in good company, which i'll admit had its funny moments, but overall was just eh. the dinner was nice, a lot of comedic relief, none of which i really remember. lol.

today i feel alright, cept who went back to procrastinating her saturday away? i guess i can still salvage some of it though. JOY.

1 lost in the moment | take my hand


:: 2005 5 January :: 5.11pm
:: Mood: calm
:: Music: the postal service- nothing better

Will someone please call a surgeon who can crack my ribs and repair this broken heart that you're deserting for better company? I can't accept that it's over, i will block the door like a goalie tending the net in the third quarter of a tied game rivalry. so just say how to make it right. and i swear i'll do my best to comply. tell me am i right to think that there could be nothing better than making you my bride and slowly growing old together ?

I feel i must interject here. you're getting carried away feeling sorry for yourself with these revisions and gaps in history. so let me help you remember. i've made charts and graphs that should finally make it clear. i've prepared a lecture on why i have to leave. so please back away and let me go.

i can't my darling i love you so... tell me am i right to think that there could be nothing better than making you my bride and slowly growing old together?

don't you feed me line about some idealistic future. your heart won't heal right if you keep tearing out the sutures.

i admit that i have made mistakes, and i swear i'll never wrong you again.

you've got a lure i can't deny, but you've had your chance so say goodbye.

1 lost in the moment | take my hand


:: 2005 1 January :: 3.05pm

I'm still here.

2 lost in the moment | take my hand


:: 2004 15 November :: 11.56pm
:: Mood: intrigued
:: Music: something corporate

japan next summer... wow.
school is hard and i'm tired yet i still stay up late when i don't have work to do.
i have a new love interest and he might interested as well.
danielle in a steady relationship? we shall see. not getting hopes up yet.
teachers amuse me.

the end. i'm alive. <3

1 lost in the moment | take my hand


:: 2004 30 October :: 10.39pm
:: Music: Jesus Walks

my new layout
simple isnt it? i think so.

my worst academic quarter so far. its horrible. and i hate not knowing whats going on with you people. but i've accepted it. i've accepted it for awhile. and i've accepted that when i'm down there i can be your best friend but its so different up here. i hate it but i can handle it. dont worry i can take care of myself! now somebody tell me how much winter break you have left so i can attempt a comeback.

it'll be refreshing for me and for you.

2 lost in the moment | take my hand


:: 2004 11 October :: 11.10pm
:: Mood: drained
:: Music: rilo kiley - my slumbering heart

and i'm so tired.
i still have 7/8 questions left to go in psychology then i have to study for our quiz on operant conditioning that we have tomorrow...
...and i thought i had gotten a lot of stuff done this weekend.
at least i got the first part of my internal assessment done.
but by golly i will get my one A in trig and the rest B's for this nine weeks. i will. even if i don't ever sleep.
i will get away from it all this weekend and take a trip up to orlando this weekend with some lovelys. stress needs to be relieved.
i work too much. i have no more weekends. school or work. i need cas hours. screw work.

i miss crushing or even having a boy to look at. oh yeah, i don't have time for that though.

<3 i still love you.

take my hand


:: 2004 30 September :: 4.08pm

Beyone the Eye
Oprah is so awesome lol.

I wanna be in the audience one day and get free shit lol. I need a car!

Did ne1 get the e-mail from NHS? I didn't.

So was up?

I'm enjoying this time "off"

I wanna c Shark Tale. It looks good- maybe it'll be a family affair.

take my hand


:: 2004 25 September :: 12.29pm

mhmm. yes i have ignored this thing, but thats all going to change now. i'm turning over a new leaf damnit. i think with woohu i can really write because no one is going to read it. or the few people who do read it are the people i want to read it. but its not like i lie on livejournal or anything, maybe theres a higher level of comfort here. or maybe i'm just crazy. who knows. heres the story of my life.

school has been school, kind of dull but its exciting this year, being the last year of high school here and all. i just went to an assembly the other day where they said graduation is going to cost 130 dollars. it includes the cap and gown (but i think we only get to keep the cap) the food, renting the hotel where the ceremony is and it covers the prom ticket too. but still, its a lot of money and i can fundraise to cover the cost but that is a lot of fundraising. there are these books that we can sell that are 27 dollars but only 10 dollars of that amount goes to grad fees. i'll find out a way to do it. or i'll get a job.

oh my goodness on thursday, 4 weeks into the school year i saw Alexis for the first time this year. like i've seen her before but only out of the corner of my eye and thursday we really got to talk so it was nice. and then there was a party last night! Jen's birthday so it was at her house, in the basement. good people and good dancing. it was fun. but it was dominated by girls. 4 guys and only 2 of them did any dancing (myself included OF COURSE).

i feel....alright i guess. i've been single for like FOREVER. no but you really want to know how long? about 1 year and 1 month. so far i dont mind it, but things can change! so i want a date for prom, maybe not a girlfriend but a date. is that too much to ask for? i hope not. ok i'm done.


4 lost in the moment | take my hand

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