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.Squallet's Sanctuary.

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:: 2010 20 December :: 6.13 pm
:: Mood: indescribable
:: Music: "Karmaway" by Taproot

I hate that every time I see your picture, my heart skips a little.
Stupid heart.
You're so useless.
Man, I really need to stop with this self-pity. xD
Don't be fooled though, I'm actually in a relatively good mood.
Just a little emotional/mushy. :3
Looking forward to seeing Mike later this week... I hope. ^^

Spare Some Change?

:: 2010 17 December :: 10.30 pm
:: Mood: pissed off
:: Music: "Bad Habit" by The Offspring

I give up.
People are a fucking constant disappointment.
I'm so sick of this unreliable bullshit.
Jesus fucking Christ.
I'm just fucking done with people.

Spare Some Change?

:: 2010 15 December :: 10.13 pm
:: Mood: disappointed
:: Music: "Anywhere" by Evanescence

You know what?
The more I talk to you, the more you seem to drive me crazy.
But then I realize, it's only because of how much I must like you.
And then I kind of have to just laugh about it all.
They say good things come to those who wait.
Well, it officially looks like I'm waiting.
I'd be lying if I said I was 100% over my ex.
But that doesn't mean that my feelings for you aren't genuine.
It kind of hurts that you must probably think that.
Whatever it takes, I'll prove that I'm in it for you.
Every day you push my nerves a little bit, but that's okay.
You know why?
Because it's still you I daydream about before falling asleep at night.
There's so much to learn and so much to teach.
You make me look forward to every day of getting to know you better.
Even if you do just piss me off sometimes. :P
I know it'll probably take a while, but I'll deal with it.
I can't wait for the day your drop your guard with me again.
I miss that sweet, softer side of you that you let me see before.
I just hope that one day you'll show that side to me again.
Until then, I'll just have to show you that I won't give up on you.
I won't just run away.
I'm here for the long run.
Care to join me? :3

Spare Some Change?

:: 2010 14 December :: 1.46 pm
:: Mood: relaxed
:: Music: "Wasting My Time" by Default

It's freakin' cold up in this bitch.
Yep, I actually just used that sentence. xD

I honestly don't know what the hell I'm writing in my journal for right now.
I don't have anything super interesting to write about...
Yesterday was my last day for Professional Practices.
My client interview actually went a lot better than I expected it to.
I even had to go last, after everyone else, and apparently, I still did really well. :]
That was honestly what I was probably most stressed about, so I'm glad it's over.

Just 3 more classes until I'm out for winter break!! :]
My final is done for animation, and my final for digital video is almost done.
Just gotta finish that up by Thursday, and I'm all set.
I'm really pleased with the work I finished too. I actually pushed myself and did some new things.
I think I'm going to have a slight addiction to Flash now. xD

I'm actually fairly genuinely happy today.
Not sure exactly why, but I just hope it lasts.
ColossalCon 9.5 is this weekend!!
And I just realized... I don't even have any glowsticks...
Or anything to wear...
That sounds like a good game plan for today!! :]

Well... it would be a good plan... if my money were actually in my bank account... o.o
Looks like I'm going to have to bum some money off of my dad until it shows up in my bank.
Work says my direct deposit is set up... now I just need to get my damn money in my bank... o.o;;

Okay, so I'm in one of those moods where I just keep listening to love-ish songs.
What the hell is up with this random girly mood?! xD
Hmm, oh well. I like it. :3

Spare Some Change?

:: 2010 12 December :: 3.25 pm
:: Mood: busy
:: Music: "The Stranger" by A Perfect Circle

What am I to do with all this silence?
My last entry was rather angsty, wasn't it? o.o
Bah, oh well. It's how I felt last night.
Today feels a little better. Not by much, but I'll take it.

I'm actually rather impressed with how focused I've been.
Most of my final projects are just about done.
My Flash site is almost finished. I just need to get the external links in.
My PSA for my video class is almost finished. It just needs a little more work.
I still have to do my website mock up for Media Design.
And prepare for my Professional Practices presentation tomorrow.
But other than that, I'm pretty good. :3

I still feel like I could cease to exist and most people wouldn't notice.
I wish Jenny were here so damn much!
Then we could get an apartment together and be full of epic win. xD

I'm still pretty sure I'm just giving up on the idea of romance.
It's only been 2 damn weeks and it seems like that little spark fizzled out.
We used to talk for hours on end, now I'm lucky to hear a few words a day.

I blame Michael. >.>
It's like I got used to being a certain way with him that now it's screwing things up.
Like, I got to the point where I was afraid to talk about how I felt.
I avoided bringing things up if they were bothering me to avoid conflict.
I got so used to US, I forgot about ME.
It's hard trying to remember who I am these days.
God, that sounds horrible. o.o;

Those first few days of talking to Mike was the most I felt like the old me in a long time.
It just felt right.
I know I need to talk to him about all these things...
I used to be so open and able to talk about how I felt.
I was never afraid of conflict before...
When did I turn into this little insecure, fearful child?

Somewhere along the lines, it was drilled into my head that I was a controlling bitch.
That I was too clingy, that I was too available, that I had to let him come to me.
I was never afraid to be the one to pick up the phone and call someone.
Now I just feel like they'll think I'm a bother, that I'm nagging them, etc.

You know what?
I'm not going to let him have that power over me anymore.
I may stumble, but I'll learn to walk on my own again.
He doesn't deserve that control over my life.
I'm not going to let this ruin what could be something great.

Gotta move on with my own life.
Those who don't want to be a part of it, move along.
Nothing to see here.

Spare Some Change?

:: 2010 11 December :: 10.06 pm
:: Mood: blah
:: Music: "It's Been Awhile" by Staind

Falling for someone...
It really sucks... >.>
I think I'm giving up on romance.

I found myself looking at old pictures of me and Michael the other day.
I came across one of us kissing.
I tilted my head and looked at it inquisitively.
I felt nothing.
I honestly don't remember how to feel anymore.

I looked at it and tried to remember how it feels to feel loved.
How it feels to completely love and trust someone with all your heart.
I just couldn't remember that feeling at all.
I wasn't sad. I wasn't depressed. I just WAS.
Am I doomed to just exist without really living?
Or at least without loving?

I've already ruined things with Mike.
I took things too fast, fell too hard too soon.
I almost thought that I just fell for the THOUGHT of him and not him.
But more and more I'm realizing that it really is him I fell for.
Yet I feel like I could completely cease to exist and he wouldn't notice.
Why do I even give a damn?

Just fuck it.
I don't even care anymore.

Spare Some Change?

:: 2010 8 December :: 11.50 pm
:: Mood: amused
:: Music: "Give Me Novacaine" by Green Day

That was awesome.
Go figure.
The music for my last entry was "Give Me Novacaine" by Green Day.
I was listening to it somewhere else.
Then after I post it, I go look at my journal to make sure everything posted ok.
... So what should come on of all things, out of 200 songs?
"Give Me Novacaine".
Oh shit, that's amusing.
Love it.

Spare Some Change?

:: 2010 8 December :: 11.27 pm
:: Mood: blah
:: Music: "Give Me Novacaine" by Green Day

Tell me that I won't feel a thing...
So give me Novacaine...

Wow... I just realized that Green Day spelled Novocaine wrong...
Then again, supposedly it's an alternate spelling. I don't buy it. xD

I feel completely lost inside my own mind right now.
Time keeps passing, and yet nothing changes.
I can't wait until school's out next week...

I wrote something for Michael the other night:

"A hideous beast dwells beneath the surface
The bounds of its hatred unknown
Little did I know, this ugly monster
Was the one I called my own

How could I not see
The lies swirl about inside
Pools of false truths and deception
Deep within soulless eyes"

It's not finished yet, but those are just the first things that came to mind looking at his picture.
God, he makes me so sick.
I can't believe I didn't see him for the beast he really was.
The name of that song is going to be "Beast of my Own" by the way.

I'm strangely addicted to Taproot lately. o.o
I never listened to much of their music before the other day.
I love their sound though. It's sort of like old-school Korn meets A Perfect Circle meets Chevelle.
Or something like that. xD
I've been listening to a lot of The Offspring too. What an odd mix.

I heard Mike play the piano today.
I thought it was beautiful. <3 :3
I'd love to learn to play sometime.
I kind of wish he'd teach me. Haha!

He kind of drives me crazy sometimes, yet I'm still crazy about him. o.o
It's the strangest feeling I think I've ever had in my life.
It's being completely irritated by someone, but just wanting to be around them. o.o

I love that he's actually an intelligent human being who can have deep conversations.
I also adore that he's a creative person who's always doing something new.
But sometimes I'm just afraid he'll disappear.....

He wants to take things slow, and I completely respect that.
But even so, I guess I just wish I knew how he felt.
I just don't know what to think sometimes.
Then again, maybe I just think too much as it is... :\

Spare Some Change?

:: 2010 6 December :: 3.52 am
:: Mood: busy
:: Music: "Run Away" by Staind

When I look at you...
All I see is ugliness...
I don't even know what I saw in you.
How could I not see all those lies?
They seem so obvious now...
Hidden behind your soulless eyes.
A deep pool of deception and false truths.
Dear God, you're a monster...

Spare Some Change?

:: 2010 4 December :: 3.57 am
:: Mood: hyper
:: Music: "Citizen/Soldier" by 3 Doors Down

I don't think I've been so excited to be turned down. o.o
I asked Mike out today.
He said no.
I'm happy.

Okay, so without explanation, that sounds hilarious.
I'm actually kind of touched.
He wants to take things slow and get to know each other better first.
It's flattering to think that he thinks I'm worth getting to know. ^^;

What's even more surprising was his reaction when I told him we could take things slow.
He was happy that I was willing to do that for him.
I told him he was worth it. <3

It's true. :3
Therefore... I'm sort of still on a cloud. ^^;
Blah. Spending time together makes me realize how much I miss him when he's not here. xD
*glances around*
That made sense.

Now, to sleep.

Spare Some Change?

:: 2010 3 December :: 11.53 am
:: Mood: excited
:: Music: "First Time" by Lifehouse

We're crashing into the unknown.
We're lost in this, but it feels like home.

Apparently, I wasn't creative enough to come up with my own subject today. xD
I just woke up not too long ago, and I'm all excited. :3
I get to actually spend the day with Mike today, so I can't wait!

Oh! Yeah! I have a new playlist on here! It makes me happy! :]
Obviously I still love The Rasmus, but I was getting tired of only having them on here.
Besides, half of the tracks were replaced with other crap anyway. o.o
So, this new one has a bunch of older music from my middle school days, plus some other stuff.
Yep. Apparently I was feeling nostalgic.
I wanted a list I could play at any time and I'd want to hear anything on it.
With other stuff, there's some music I have to be in the mood to listen to.
I'm weird.

I'm currently typing up some homework at the moment.
I find I'm a lot more easily distracted lately, and I have no idea why.
I'd like to think it's just because I need a break from school.
Thank GOD we're almost out for break. *nod*

I find myself second guessing what I'm in school for just about every day.
I want to do something practical that I can have a degree in.
That way, if I decide to do something else, I still have that to fall back on.
The only thing I can see myself loving every day would be music.
At the same time, even if I do have talent, I can't see finding a viable career in that anywhere.
With only a few months left until this degree, I might as well finish it either way.
Not like I was planning on just giving up on it anyway. I'm stubborn like that. :P

SO! I have 3 days until my 21st birthday. I have no idea what the hell to do for it.
All I know is that for once, I actually want to hang out with some good friends.
I'm completely broke though, so that will probably be the extent of it. xD
I'm not expecting anything from anyone, because that's just dumb.
My parents got me a full tank of gas. That was well enough for me! :]

I have issues.
I don't know why I worry so much about what Mike thinks about me. D:
He says he's not going anywhere, but still.
I'm sure things will get smoother the more we get to know each other.

He's probably reading this wondering why the hell I'm rambling about things.
Yeah, I overthink things all the time. It's just part of me. :P
Regardless, I'm in a super good mood right now and I can't wait 'til later!
*thrashes around the room to random music like the dork she is*
That about sums up my mood right now. :D

Spare Some Change?

:: 2010 2 December :: 8.55 am
:: Mood: busy
:: Music: "21 Guns" by Green Day

Too much crap to do.
Yet I just keep looking for ways to procrastinate. xD
Nah, I'm actually just taking a break from work now.

I had a really off night last night.
I just got really depressed out of nowhere and went to bed relatively early.
I hope Mike doesn't think I'm too much of an idiot. :\

I feel like I'm putting way too much on him way too soon.
Like my expectations are just way too high.
I'm to blame for that.

I'm glad we're taking time to get to know each other better before getting super involved.
I just get this feeling that once he really gets to know me, he won't stick around long.
I hope I'm wrong...

Damn it, I miss him. XD

Spare Some Change?

:: 2010 28 November :: 4.04 am
:: Mood: ecstatic
:: Music: "She Won't Be Lonely Long" by Clay Walker

I'm actually listening to country music...
That like... never happens. x3

I need someone to share smiles with, someone to laugh along with.
Someone who will dance this crazy dance of life with me.
Someone who's the harmony to my melody.

And something about all this seems right.
Like somehow everything's falling right into place.
And maybe everything does actually happen for a reason.

Maybe that broken heart was really the best thing that ever happened to me... ♥

Spare Some Change?

:: 2010 26 November :: 10.38 pm
:: Mood: giggly
:: Music: "Magic Taborea" by Van Canto

TOTALLY crushing!
Wow. I sound like an ignorant 15 year old. >.>;;
But I'm smiling, so I don't really care at the moment. :D

Spare Some Change?

:: 2010 26 November :: 8.21 pm
:: Mood: giggly
:: Music: "In The Shadows" by The Rasmus

My dream romance is dead...
What Michael and I had once was beautiful.
But he's not that person anymore.
He's cold. He's selfish. He's not the man I fell in love with.
And that realization is helping me see the light: that I deserve better.
So... when better happens to come around... so be it.

In the meantime... there's this one guy who makes me grin and laugh like an idiot.
I find myself thinking about him at work, and just wanting to get home to talk to him.
I don't want to fall too fast though, and I don't want anything serious for a while.

But if he just happened to ask me on a date, I just might happen to say yes. :]

God, I feel like a little girl all over again. xD

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