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.Squallet's Sanctuary.

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:: 2010 27 December :: 4.19 am
:: Mood: hopeful
:: Music: "Frozen" by Delain

I never thought of picket fences...
Only a lifelong friend.
I thought of comfort and warmth.
Lifelong happiness between two friends.
That's the future I thought of when I thought of you.
No flowing gowns or white picket fences.
Just abundant smiles and laughter.
Walks in the park and snowball wars.
A best friend to just share everything with.
But now it seems just an empty, childish dream.
Soon you'll be gone, just like the rest.
And I don't even know what to think anymore.
You truly are one of a kind.
And somehow, you stole my heart.
Keep it. I can't think of anyone I'd trust with it more.
All I wish is for you to be happy.
And I wish that I could make you smile every day.
That's all I want...
So please, don't choose solitude...
Your heart's too precious to just keep locked away...

I'll never push you again.
I want the decision to be yours alone.
And if that time ever comes, I'll be here. <3

Spare Some Change?


:: 2010 23 December :: 8.08 pm
:: Mood: optimistic
:: Music: "From That Point On" by Revis

Meh. Yes, meh. xD
I hate to say it, but Mike's probably right.
We have all our lives.
I think I'm just used to people coming and going in life.
Having someone who plans on sticking around is a new concept for me. o.-

What I do know for sure is that I really want to get to know him better.
Also, that I won't just up and walk away from things.
I plan on being there for him and being a lifelong friend.

I've realized that's what I want in the long run anyway.
Sure, I'd love to build a relationship with him one day.
But what good is it without a good friendship as the foundation?
We did take things too fast, and I have a problem with doing that a lot.
I appreciate that he's shown me that, and helped me overcome it.

Actually, this is the best I've felt in a really long time.
For once, I feel like me and him are sort of on the same page. :]
It's good to know that he's going to stick around through thick and thin. :D
Psst. Between you and me Woohu, I don't see things not working out between us one day.
But shhhh, don't tell him that. ;3
That day doesn't have to be any day soon though, and I'm okay with that.

I've gotten some great writing material out of the past few weeks btw.
And me and John have some new music in the works. :]
I'm super excited to record a new original piece, and with my new studio quality microphone! :D
Wow... this good is much needed after the past week.

Oh, and I realized that I enjoy playing Smackdown vs. Raw... XD
I never thought I would, but I do.
I got to bring my fictional characters to life as wrestlers.
It's pretty nerdy and awesome, all at once. :3

Btw... Revis totally needs to have a show in Cleveland.
Just saying. ;D

Spare Some Change?


:: 2010 20 December :: 6.13 pm
:: Mood: indescribable
:: Music: "Karmaway" by Taproot

So...
I hate that every time I see your picture, my heart skips a little.
Stupid heart.
You're so useless.
Man, I really need to stop with this self-pity. xD
Don't be fooled though, I'm actually in a relatively good mood.
Just a little emotional/mushy. :3
Looking forward to seeing Mike later this week... I hope. ^^

Spare Some Change?


:: 2010 17 December :: 10.30 pm
:: Mood: pissed off
:: Music: "Bad Habit" by The Offspring

I give up.
People are a fucking constant disappointment.
I'm so sick of this unreliable bullshit.
Jesus fucking Christ.
I'm just fucking done with people.

Spare Some Change?


:: 2010 15 December :: 10.13 pm
:: Mood: disappointed
:: Music: "Anywhere" by Evanescence

You know what?
The more I talk to you, the more you seem to drive me crazy.
But then I realize, it's only because of how much I must like you.
And then I kind of have to just laugh about it all.
They say good things come to those who wait.
Well, it officially looks like I'm waiting.
I'd be lying if I said I was 100% over my ex.
But that doesn't mean that my feelings for you aren't genuine.
It kind of hurts that you must probably think that.
Whatever it takes, I'll prove that I'm in it for you.
Every day you push my nerves a little bit, but that's okay.
You know why?
Because it's still you I daydream about before falling asleep at night.
There's so much to learn and so much to teach.
You make me look forward to every day of getting to know you better.
Even if you do just piss me off sometimes. :P
I know it'll probably take a while, but I'll deal with it.
I can't wait for the day your drop your guard with me again.
I miss that sweet, softer side of you that you let me see before.
I just hope that one day you'll show that side to me again.
Until then, I'll just have to show you that I won't give up on you.
I won't just run away.
I'm here for the long run.
Care to join me? :3

Spare Some Change?


:: 2010 14 December :: 1.46 pm
:: Mood: relaxed
:: Music: "Wasting My Time" by Default

It's freakin' cold up in this bitch.
Yep, I actually just used that sentence. xD

I honestly don't know what the hell I'm writing in my journal for right now.
I don't have anything super interesting to write about...
Yesterday was my last day for Professional Practices.
My client interview actually went a lot better than I expected it to.
I even had to go last, after everyone else, and apparently, I still did really well. :]
That was honestly what I was probably most stressed about, so I'm glad it's over.

Just 3 more classes until I'm out for winter break!! :]
My final is done for animation, and my final for digital video is almost done.
Just gotta finish that up by Thursday, and I'm all set.
I'm really pleased with the work I finished too. I actually pushed myself and did some new things.
I think I'm going to have a slight addiction to Flash now. xD

I'm actually fairly genuinely happy today.
Not sure exactly why, but I just hope it lasts.
ColossalCon 9.5 is this weekend!!
And I just realized... I don't even have any glowsticks...
Or anything to wear...
THRIFT STORE HERE I COME!!!
That sounds like a good game plan for today!! :]

Well... it would be a good plan... if my money were actually in my bank account... o.o
Looks like I'm going to have to bum some money off of my dad until it shows up in my bank.
Work says my direct deposit is set up... now I just need to get my damn money in my bank... o.o;;

Okay, so I'm in one of those moods where I just keep listening to love-ish songs.
What the hell is up with this random girly mood?! xD
Hmm, oh well. I like it. :3

Spare Some Change?


:: 2010 12 December :: 3.25 pm
:: Mood: busy
:: Music: "The Stranger" by A Perfect Circle

What am I to do with all this silence?
My last entry was rather angsty, wasn't it? o.o
Bah, oh well. It's how I felt last night.
Today feels a little better. Not by much, but I'll take it.

I'm actually rather impressed with how focused I've been.
Most of my final projects are just about done.
My Flash site is almost finished. I just need to get the external links in.
My PSA for my video class is almost finished. It just needs a little more work.
I still have to do my website mock up for Media Design.
And prepare for my Professional Practices presentation tomorrow.
But other than that, I'm pretty good. :3

I still feel like I could cease to exist and most people wouldn't notice.
I wish Jenny were here so damn much!
Then we could get an apartment together and be full of epic win. xD

I'm still pretty sure I'm just giving up on the idea of romance.
It's only been 2 damn weeks and it seems like that little spark fizzled out.
We used to talk for hours on end, now I'm lucky to hear a few words a day.

I blame Michael. >.>
It's like I got used to being a certain way with him that now it's screwing things up.
Like, I got to the point where I was afraid to talk about how I felt.
I avoided bringing things up if they were bothering me to avoid conflict.
I got so used to US, I forgot about ME.
It's hard trying to remember who I am these days.
God, that sounds horrible. o.o;

Those first few days of talking to Mike was the most I felt like the old me in a long time.
It just felt right.
I know I need to talk to him about all these things...
I used to be so open and able to talk about how I felt.
I was never afraid of conflict before...
When did I turn into this little insecure, fearful child?

Somewhere along the lines, it was drilled into my head that I was a controlling bitch.
That I was too clingy, that I was too available, that I had to let him come to me.
I was never afraid to be the one to pick up the phone and call someone.
Now I just feel like they'll think I'm a bother, that I'm nagging them, etc.

You know what?
I'm not going to let him have that power over me anymore.
I may stumble, but I'll learn to walk on my own again.
He doesn't deserve that control over my life.
I'm not going to let this ruin what could be something great.

Gotta move on with my own life.
Those who don't want to be a part of it, move along.
Nothing to see here.

Spare Some Change?


:: 2010 11 December :: 10.06 pm
:: Mood: blah
:: Music: "It's Been Awhile" by Staind

Falling for someone...
It really sucks... >.>
I think I'm giving up on romance.

I found myself looking at old pictures of me and Michael the other day.
I came across one of us kissing.
I tilted my head and looked at it inquisitively.
I felt nothing.
I honestly don't remember how to feel anymore.

I looked at it and tried to remember how it feels to feel loved.
How it feels to completely love and trust someone with all your heart.
I just couldn't remember that feeling at all.
I wasn't sad. I wasn't depressed. I just WAS.
Am I doomed to just exist without really living?
Or at least without loving?

I've already ruined things with Mike.
I took things too fast, fell too hard too soon.
I almost thought that I just fell for the THOUGHT of him and not him.
But more and more I'm realizing that it really is him I fell for.
Yet I feel like I could completely cease to exist and he wouldn't notice.
Why do I even give a damn?

Just fuck it.
I don't even care anymore.

Spare Some Change?


:: 2010 8 December :: 11.50 pm
:: Mood: amused
:: Music: "Give Me Novacaine" by Green Day

HOLY SHIT!!
That was awesome.
Go figure.
The music for my last entry was "Give Me Novacaine" by Green Day.
I was listening to it somewhere else.
Then after I post it, I go look at my journal to make sure everything posted ok.
... So what should come on of all things, out of 200 songs?
"Give Me Novacaine".
Oh shit, that's amusing.
Love it.

Spare Some Change?


:: 2010 8 December :: 11.27 pm
:: Mood: blah
:: Music: "Give Me Novacaine" by Green Day

Tell me that I won't feel a thing...
So give me Novacaine...

Wow... I just realized that Green Day spelled Novocaine wrong...
Then again, supposedly it's an alternate spelling. I don't buy it. xD

I feel completely lost inside my own mind right now.
Time keeps passing, and yet nothing changes.
I can't wait until school's out next week...

I wrote something for Michael the other night:

"A hideous beast dwells beneath the surface
The bounds of its hatred unknown
Little did I know, this ugly monster
Was the one I called my own

How could I not see
The lies swirl about inside
Pools of false truths and deception
Deep within soulless eyes"

It's not finished yet, but those are just the first things that came to mind looking at his picture.
God, he makes me so sick.
I can't believe I didn't see him for the beast he really was.
The name of that song is going to be "Beast of my Own" by the way.

I'm strangely addicted to Taproot lately. o.o
I never listened to much of their music before the other day.
I love their sound though. It's sort of like old-school Korn meets A Perfect Circle meets Chevelle.
Or something like that. xD
I've been listening to a lot of The Offspring too. What an odd mix.

I heard Mike play the piano today.
I thought it was beautiful. <3 :3
I'd love to learn to play sometime.
I kind of wish he'd teach me. Haha!

He kind of drives me crazy sometimes, yet I'm still crazy about him. o.o
It's the strangest feeling I think I've ever had in my life.
It's being completely irritated by someone, but just wanting to be around them. o.o

I love that he's actually an intelligent human being who can have deep conversations.
I also adore that he's a creative person who's always doing something new.
But sometimes I'm just afraid he'll disappear.....

He wants to take things slow, and I completely respect that.
But even so, I guess I just wish I knew how he felt.
I just don't know what to think sometimes.
Then again, maybe I just think too much as it is... :\

Spare Some Change?


:: 2010 6 December :: 3.52 am
:: Mood: busy
:: Music: "Run Away" by Staind

When I look at you...
All I see is ugliness...
I don't even know what I saw in you.
How could I not see all those lies?
They seem so obvious now...
Hidden behind your soulless eyes.
A deep pool of deception and false truths.
Dear God, you're a monster...

Spare Some Change?


:: 2010 4 December :: 3.57 am
:: Mood: hyper
:: Music: "Citizen/Soldier" by 3 Doors Down

I don't think I've been so excited to be turned down. o.o
I asked Mike out today.
He said no.
I'm happy.
xD

Okay, so without explanation, that sounds hilarious.
I'm actually kind of touched.
He wants to take things slow and get to know each other better first.
It's flattering to think that he thinks I'm worth getting to know. ^^;

What's even more surprising was his reaction when I told him we could take things slow.
He was happy that I was willing to do that for him.
I told him he was worth it. <3

It's true. :3
Therefore... I'm sort of still on a cloud. ^^;
Blah. Spending time together makes me realize how much I miss him when he's not here. xD
*glances around*
That made sense.

Now, to sleep.
Hopefully.

Spare Some Change?


:: 2010 3 December :: 11.53 am
:: Mood: excited
:: Music: "First Time" by Lifehouse

We're crashing into the unknown.
We're lost in this, but it feels like home.

Apparently, I wasn't creative enough to come up with my own subject today. xD
I just woke up not too long ago, and I'm all excited. :3
I get to actually spend the day with Mike today, so I can't wait!

Oh! Yeah! I have a new playlist on here! It makes me happy! :]
Obviously I still love The Rasmus, but I was getting tired of only having them on here.
Besides, half of the tracks were replaced with other crap anyway. o.o
So, this new one has a bunch of older music from my middle school days, plus some other stuff.
Yep. Apparently I was feeling nostalgic.
I wanted a list I could play at any time and I'd want to hear anything on it.
With other stuff, there's some music I have to be in the mood to listen to.
I'm weird.

I'm currently typing up some homework at the moment.
I find I'm a lot more easily distracted lately, and I have no idea why.
I'd like to think it's just because I need a break from school.
Thank GOD we're almost out for break. *nod*

I find myself second guessing what I'm in school for just about every day.
I want to do something practical that I can have a degree in.
That way, if I decide to do something else, I still have that to fall back on.
The only thing I can see myself loving every day would be music.
At the same time, even if I do have talent, I can't see finding a viable career in that anywhere.
With only a few months left until this degree, I might as well finish it either way.
Not like I was planning on just giving up on it anyway. I'm stubborn like that. :P

SO! I have 3 days until my 21st birthday. I have no idea what the hell to do for it.
All I know is that for once, I actually want to hang out with some good friends.
I'm completely broke though, so that will probably be the extent of it. xD
I'm not expecting anything from anyone, because that's just dumb.
My parents got me a full tank of gas. That was well enough for me! :]

I have issues.
I don't know why I worry so much about what Mike thinks about me. D:
He says he's not going anywhere, but still.
I'm sure things will get smoother the more we get to know each other.

He's probably reading this wondering why the hell I'm rambling about things.
Yeah, I overthink things all the time. It's just part of me. :P
Regardless, I'm in a super good mood right now and I can't wait 'til later!
*thrashes around the room to random music like the dork she is*
That about sums up my mood right now. :D

Spare Some Change?


:: 2010 2 December :: 8.55 am
:: Mood: busy
:: Music: "21 Guns" by Green Day

Arrghh!!1!
Too much crap to do.
Yet I just keep looking for ways to procrastinate. xD
Nah, I'm actually just taking a break from work now.

I had a really off night last night.
I just got really depressed out of nowhere and went to bed relatively early.
I hope Mike doesn't think I'm too much of an idiot. :\

I feel like I'm putting way too much on him way too soon.
Like my expectations are just way too high.
I'm to blame for that.

I'm glad we're taking time to get to know each other better before getting super involved.
I just get this feeling that once he really gets to know me, he won't stick around long.
I hope I'm wrong...

Damn it, I miss him. XD

Spare Some Change?


:: 2010 28 November :: 4.04 am
:: Mood: ecstatic
:: Music: "She Won't Be Lonely Long" by Clay Walker

I'm actually listening to country music...
That like... never happens. x3

I need someone to share smiles with, someone to laugh along with.
Someone who will dance this crazy dance of life with me.
Someone who's the harmony to my melody.

And something about all this seems right.
Like somehow everything's falling right into place.
And maybe everything does actually happen for a reason.

Maybe that broken heart was really the best thing that ever happened to me... ♥

Spare Some Change?


:: 2010 26 November :: 10.38 pm
:: Mood: giggly
:: Music: "Magic Taborea" by Van Canto

Correction...
TOTALLY crushing!
-giggleblush-
Wow. I sound like an ignorant 15 year old. >.>;;
But I'm smiling, so I don't really care at the moment. :D

Spare Some Change?


:: 2010 26 November :: 8.21 pm
:: Mood: giggly
:: Music: "In The Shadows" by The Rasmus

My dream romance is dead...
What Michael and I had once was beautiful.
But he's not that person anymore.
He's cold. He's selfish. He's not the man I fell in love with.
And that realization is helping me see the light: that I deserve better.
So... when better happens to come around... so be it.

In the meantime... there's this one guy who makes me grin and laugh like an idiot.
I find myself thinking about him at work, and just wanting to get home to talk to him.
I don't want to fall too fast though, and I don't want anything serious for a while.

But if he just happened to ask me on a date, I just might happen to say yes. :]

-giggleblushbutterflies-
God, I feel like a little girl all over again. xD

Spare Some Change?


:: 2010 13 November :: 4.00 am
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: "I'll Always Remember You" by Miley Cyrus

I'm so tired...
... of being without you...
Songs all remind me of you.
Pictures make me cry.
I just don't want to face the world without you by my side.

I'd give ANYTHING just to be the one to make you smile again.
I'd give anything for the love we had then...
What changed?
Whatever it was, I'm willing to do anything to change it back.

If you ever loved me the way you said you did, please don't just walk away.
I need you more than you know...
Please, just open your heart again...
And we could live our every dream together, the way we used to.

I don't know when, but somewhere along the line, I fell for you.
What happened to the days when you used to catch me...?

I don't mind if I have to wait for you...
I'd wait forever...
Just please say that one day, you'll come back home...

Don't the happy memories and zillions of pictures make you miss us at all?
I look at those pictures and all I see are 2 people so happy to be together.
Best friends, lovers, inseparable.

What happened to us?
We got lost somewhere along the way...
But can't we find our way back together...?

If you love something, set it free...
I remember cutely debating that with you because I never believed it...
But I'm willing to try it your way, just to show you how much I care...
So I've set you free...
And I pray every day that you'll come home to me...

So all I have to do is wait for you...
I'll wait for you as long as it takes because you're all I've ever wanted baby...
Please don't forget me...
I love you so much Michael...

-continues crying self to sleep-

Spare Some Change?


:: 2010 9 November :: 1.19 am
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: "Never Too Late" by Three Days Grace

Don't leave me here alone...
Even though I know he'll probably never read this, this is a cry out to the man I love with all my heart...

I'm alone at home... I've barely eaten in days... I'm missing a week of school...
All because I can't manage to pull myself together...

I look at pictures of us happy together and break down in tears...
I reread old texts and poems from you over and over...
I even fell asleep hugging your framed picture the other night...

Some may just see me as a pathetic weeping child, but I'm lost without you...

How can you be so cold and push me away without even a word as to why?
How can you leave me on the edge, not even knowing where we stand?
Are we together? Are we apart?
Do you just need time alone to clear your head?
Do you need help because you're having an extreme bipolar/depression episode?
Do you really just not love me anymore?
Was it something I said? Something I did?
Have we really changed that much from the two happy kids who were so head over heels in love?

I look at those pictures and weep.
I wish I could caress your face.
Touch your rosy cheeks.
Brush your hair back.
Look into your warm, loving eyes.
Wrap my arms around you tightly and secure.
Press my lips against yours.
Lose myself in you.
The way we used to.
Nothing else matters to me right now but the thought of you.

Did you think that I replaced you? That I didn't care anymore?
I know we've both been so busy that there's no time for each other it seems.
But darling if only you'd come home to me, we could fix all those things.
I would make you the happiest man on earth, no matter what it takes.
I don't care about the stupid fights and disagreements.
I don't care if you're friends or your video games are more important some days.
I don't care what anyone else says about us.

I care about YOU. I care about US.
I can't think back on all those happy times and just let them fade away.
You mean far too much to me to just let this love die.
I'll fight 'til my last breath to show you just what you mean to me...

No matter what happens, I just want you to know...
I've put my heart in a silver box, and locked it far away...
Only you have the key, my love...
Nobody can ever replace you in my life...

I keep dreaming every night that you'll come back...
You'll tell me how it was all a mistake and that you're sorry...
I've already forgiven you, darling.
Just take my hand and with it, you take my heart.
Take me in your arms and show me just what I mean to you.
Lose yourself with me under the covers.
Breathe into my ear how I'm your everything, the air you breathe.
Just like you did only weeks ago...

Love is forgiveness, and I forgive all you've done.
Could you forgive me this time?
Though I don't know what I've done to push you away...
I'm sorry that somewhere along the line, I failed you...
How could I be so ignorant not to see...
I should have given you more attention, more time, more love...

I miss waking up to your beautiful face...
Your arms around me tight every morning...
I wish you were here tonight...
I would show you just what we've been missing...

It's never too late to turn things around...
If things aren't right, let's make them right...
We can fix all the problems, the mistakes, the past.
We can make a future...

I still only dream of you as my husband.
I dream of you holding our child in your arms with that gorgeous smile on your face.
I dream of walks in the park with you as we grow older.
I don't want to face this world without you.

My partner.
My savior.
My protector.
My angel.
My lover.
My best friend.
My world.
My everything.

Don't let me face the world alone...
I always turned to you first, and I want to again.
You were always there to protect and save me.
You wiped my tears, hugged me tight, and made me feel alive.
I don't want to feel cold and dead inside anymore...

Do you love me still...?
Just those 3 words still give me butterflies...
Those 3 words can make everything in the world beautiful again...
Please don't give up on us...
Just say you love me still...
And I swear you'll never be alone...

Please darling...
April is nothing without October...
Please come home Michael...

Spare Some Change?


:: 2010 30 September :: 2.58 am
:: Mood: nostalgic
:: Music: "2 Voiny" by SLOT

I've worn out my apologies for you.
Just because I can't forget doesn't make me weak.
It just means that I'm strong enough to acknowledge the past.
I just wish you'd grow up and get over yourself.

Sure, I remember, I cry, I'm human. I'm not afraid to let people see that I'm not perfect.
I miss running around town being crazy teenagers, and staying up at all-night sleepovers.
I miss having you in my life, I miss someone who I thought was a true friend.
But to have let something so stupid tear us apart for over three years now.
Dear GOD that is so stupid.

I try not to be bitter, I try not to cry.
But at least I'm strong enough to remember.
And at least I have the guts to say that I miss you in my life.

I was forced to see you about 4 months ago because we happened to be in the same place.
I know you saw me because you intentionally ran the other way.
I spent that night crying, and you probably didn't even spare a glance.
I wanted to talk to you. I wanted to make things better.

I'd really hoped that 3 years had been long enough to finally let go of stupid shit.
I guess not.

I just don't know why you harbor so much hatred.
Did our friendship really mean nothing to you?
I guess so.

Even now, I'm crying remembering, but I'm not ashamed.
At least I know I have the heart to care.
Sometimes I wonder if you ever even think about those memories years ago.
Why are you so afraid?

But the thing is... I'm done apologizing.
Something stupid happened.
So fucking what?
It's not like there was some huge fucking conspiracy theory.
I can't help it my ex is a fucking psycho.
You're so ignorant, you don't even know what fucking happened.
You act so fucking high and mighty.
Then you cry all alone because you secretly hate yourself.

Well you know what?
Get over it.
You pushed everyone away.

The sad thing is that I'm still right here, and I still actually give a damn about you.
I really shouldn't, with how much of a bitch you've been.
You probably think of me with that little flare of hatred.
But guess what? When that flare goes out, I know somewhere deep down, it'll hurt.
Because as cold as you act, I know there's a heart in there somewhere.

You know, when I met you 6 years ago, I really thought you'd be one of my only lifelong friends.
I guess I was wrong.
And you know what?
That realization still hurts.

So here's me saying that I've tried to apologize too many times.
Every time, you've evaded me, ran away, hid.
Now who's the coward?

2 Wasted Their Money | Spare Some Change?

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