I'm so tired...
... of being without you...
Songs all remind me of you.
Pictures make me cry.
I just don't want to face the world without you by my side.

I'd give ANYTHING just to be the one to make you smile again.
I'd give anything for the love we had then...
What changed?
Whatever it was, I'm willing to do anything to change it back.

If you ever loved me the way you said you did, please don't just walk away.
I need you more than you know...
Please, just open your heart again...
And we could live our every dream together, the way we used to.

I don't know when, but somewhere along the line, I fell for you.
What happened to the days when you used to catch me...?

I don't mind if I have to wait for you...
I'd wait forever...
Just please say that one day, you'll come back home...

Don't the happy memories and zillions of pictures make you miss us at all?
I look at those pictures and all I see are 2 people so happy to be together.
Best friends, lovers, inseparable.

What happened to us?
We got lost somewhere along the way...
But can't we find our way back together...?

If you love something, set it free...
I remember cutely debating that with you because I never believed it...
But I'm willing to try it your way, just to show you how much I care...
So I've set you free...
And I pray every day that you'll come home to me...

So all I have to do is wait for you...
I'll wait for you as long as it takes because you're all I've ever wanted baby...
Please don't forget me...
I love you so much Michael...

-continues crying self to sleep-

Don't leave me here alone...
Even though I know he'll probably never read this, this is a cry out to the man I love with all my heart...

I'm alone at home... I've barely eaten in days... I'm missing a week of school...
All because I can't manage to pull myself together...

I look at pictures of us happy together and break down in tears...
I reread old texts and poems from you over and over...
I even fell asleep hugging your framed picture the other night...

Some may just see me as a pathetic weeping child, but I'm lost without you...

How can you be so cold and push me away without even a word as to why?
How can you leave me on the edge, not even knowing where we stand?
Are we together? Are we apart?
Do you just need time alone to clear your head?
Do you need help because you're having an extreme bipolar/depression episode?
Do you really just not love me anymore?
Was it something I said? Something I did?
Have we really changed that much from the two happy kids who were so head over heels in love?

I look at those pictures and weep.
I wish I could caress your face.
Touch your rosy cheeks.
Brush your hair back.
Look into your warm, loving eyes.
Wrap my arms around you tightly and secure.
Press my lips against yours.
Lose myself in you.
The way we used to.
Nothing else matters to me right now but the thought of you.

Did you think that I replaced you? That I didn't care anymore?
I know we've both been so busy that there's no time for each other it seems.
But darling if only you'd come home to me, we could fix all those things.
I would make you the happiest man on earth, no matter what it takes.
I don't care about the stupid fights and disagreements.
I don't care if you're friends or your video games are more important some days.
I don't care what anyone else says about us.

I care about YOU. I care about US.
I can't think back on all those happy times and just let them fade away.
You mean far too much to me to just let this love die.
I'll fight 'til my last breath to show you just what you mean to me...

No matter what happens, I just want you to know...
I've put my heart in a silver box, and locked it far away...
Only you have the key, my love...
Nobody can ever replace you in my life...

I keep dreaming every night that you'll come back...
You'll tell me how it was all a mistake and that you're sorry...
I've already forgiven you, darling.
Just take my hand and with it, you take my heart.
Take me in your arms and show me just what I mean to you.
Lose yourself with me under the covers.
Breathe into my ear how I'm your everything, the air you breathe.
Just like you did only weeks ago...

Love is forgiveness, and I forgive all you've done.
Could you forgive me this time?
Though I don't know what I've done to push you away...
I'm sorry that somewhere along the line, I failed you...
How could I be so ignorant not to see...
I should have given you more attention, more time, more love...

I miss waking up to your beautiful face...
Your arms around me tight every morning...
I wish you were here tonight...
I would show you just what we've been missing...

It's never too late to turn things around...
If things aren't right, let's make them right...
We can fix all the problems, the mistakes, the past.
We can make a future...

I still only dream of you as my husband.
I dream of you holding our child in your arms with that gorgeous smile on your face.
I dream of walks in the park with you as we grow older.
I don't want to face this world without you.

My partner.
My savior.
My protector.
My angel.
My lover.
My best friend.
My world.
My everything.

Don't let me face the world alone...
I always turned to you first, and I want to again.
You were always there to protect and save me.
You wiped my tears, hugged me tight, and made me feel alive.
I don't want to feel cold and dead inside anymore...

Do you love me still...?
Just those 3 words still give me butterflies...
Those 3 words can make everything in the world beautiful again...
Please don't give up on us...
Just say you love me still...
And I swear you'll never be alone...

Please darling...
April is nothing without October...
Please come home Michael...

I've worn out my apologies for you.
Just because I can't forget doesn't make me weak.
It just means that I'm strong enough to acknowledge the past.
I just wish you'd grow up and get over yourself.

Sure, I remember, I cry, I'm human. I'm not afraid to let people see that I'm not perfect.
I miss running around town being crazy teenagers, and staying up at all-night sleepovers.
I miss having you in my life, I miss someone who I thought was a true friend.
But to have let something so stupid tear us apart for over three years now.
Dear GOD that is so stupid.

I try not to be bitter, I try not to cry.
But at least I'm strong enough to remember.
And at least I have the guts to say that I miss you in my life.

I was forced to see you about 4 months ago because we happened to be in the same place.
I know you saw me because you intentionally ran the other way.
I spent that night crying, and you probably didn't even spare a glance.
I wanted to talk to you. I wanted to make things better.

I'd really hoped that 3 years had been long enough to finally let go of stupid shit.
I guess not.

I just don't know why you harbor so much hatred.
Did our friendship really mean nothing to you?
I guess so.

Even now, I'm crying remembering, but I'm not ashamed.
At least I know I have the heart to care.
Sometimes I wonder if you ever even think about those memories years ago.
Why are you so afraid?

But the thing is... I'm done apologizing.
Something stupid happened.
So fucking what?
It's not like there was some huge fucking conspiracy theory.
I can't help it my ex is a fucking psycho.
You're so ignorant, you don't even know what fucking happened.
You act so fucking high and mighty.
Then you cry all alone because you secretly hate yourself.

Well you know what?
Get over it.
You pushed everyone away.

The sad thing is that I'm still right here, and I still actually give a damn about you.
I really shouldn't, with how much of a bitch you've been.
You probably think of me with that little flare of hatred.
But guess what? When that flare goes out, I know somewhere deep down, it'll hurt.
Because as cold as you act, I know there's a heart in there somewhere.

You know, when I met you 6 years ago, I really thought you'd be one of my only lifelong friends.
I guess I was wrong.
And you know what?
That realization still hurts.

So here's me saying that I've tried to apologize too many times.
Every time, you've evaded me, ran away, hid.
Now who's the coward?

Well... should have seen that one coming...
Wow. I haven't posted here in ages...
Well! I feel like crap today, so I figured I'd rant.
I don't feel like talking to anyone right now really. It'll probably just make things worse.

SO!
School starts again on Monday.
Which means Mike and I will probably hardly see each other much.
He's been working like crazy this summer, so I haven't had much time with him as it is.
It's Friday, and I figured that hopefully we can spend some time together before Monday comes.
Ha... haha...

After telling Mike yesterday how I don't feel like he shows me he genuinely cares as much anymore, he said he'd do better.
And it started off all cute. He said a bunch of cute things to me last night, actually talked on the phone with me for a while, etc.
He even told me that he had plans for us today that were secret, so I got really excited and happy!
I woke up with a smile, had a spring in my step, and was just overall really happy.

First thing he tells me this morning?
"So... Joe wants to hang out with me today..."
Omg... really? So what? We have freakin' plans. Tell him another time. Do I really have to tell you this?
So, initially I was upset for a few minutes, but I got over it since he said he'd only hang out with him for a few hours.
Then he tells me his mom didn't give him his paycheck money so he can't take me out tonight for our date.
Ha! ... Hahaha! OMG, I should have seen it coming!!
Seriously?! Something always ruins our plans!!
Why do I even BOTHER getting my hopes up?!
It just makes me laugh now at how stupid I am for actually counting on our plans today...
... Lesson learned.

:'(

Woot!~ 5 days until ColossalCon!! :3
I just realized... I don't really have much to say. I just felt like actually updating my journal for once.

I just bought a cute pair of jean shorts from Wal-Mart for ten bucks! I went back down to a size 16, and it feels really good! :D

I also got my hair done last week, and it looks really cute! I'm back to being brunette, and I got it thinned since it's naturally so think. I think it looks LOADS better since I have layers again! :3

Poor Mike didn't get much sleep last night before work, so he's over here napping next to me. xD I'm probably just going to go play some WoW until he gets up. It's so nice to have a three day weekend off from work to actually enjoy! ^^

~ Squallet

Hooray! I finally have a moment to breathe!
Hullo journal. Long time no see!

So, I feel like making an entry, purely because I found something rather amusing a minute ago.

Is it bad when you date someone for over a year, and yet you can't really remember any of it? Honestly, the only thing I can really remember about dating Jim was a lot of arguing. Let's face it, we were NEVER compatible. xD

Dating Michael on the other hand, well, I'm just so much happier. He's my lover and my best friend all wrapped up into one. The best part is that we don't really fight with each other much, we just bitch a lot. It's so drastically different from where I was a year ago!

Despite Michael's undeniable awesomeness, I've been a tad bit more depressed lately than usual. I'd like to think it's because of always being busy with school and a crappy job.

Tomorrow's my last final, and it's going to be extremely easy, so my mind is pretty much already in summer mode. After being done with today, I can already tell that I'm so much more relaxed and happy. In fact, after I post this, I'll probably take a nap. XD

So in the past few days, I've lost almost ten pounds, purely because I've actually been too busy to really eat much of anything. Even today I haven't touched one bite of food, and despite my stomach's constant growls, I think I'm just going to get some rest instead of eating, even if I am extremely hungry.

Sigh. I don't want to end up anorexic, but it just seems like if I even look at food, I keep weight on. Since summer's starting this week, I plan on definitely putting more time into working out.

I've pretty much stopped eating out and for the most part I just try to buy healthy-ish foods that I can prepare easily. I don't have my own kitchen, so when I actually get to use it, I have to make whatever I'm making quick. >.>

I really need to start shopping at Wal-Mart first though instead of just getting everything from Giant Eagle. Wal-Mart definitely has better prices. Just buying stuff for a spaghetti dinner, salad stuff for the week, and a few other things was almost $40. Sigh. I need a better job. Minimum wage isn't going to be good enough forever. >>;

On another topic, just less than a month until Colossal Con at Kalahari water resort! Woot! I can't freakin' wait!! A whole nerdy weekend getaway with my hubby to celebrate the beginning of summer! It'll be great to just get to relax and enjoy some nerdishness with him. We haven't really had time to do anything fun lately. Trust me, this is the closest to a luxury cruise that I'll probably ever get. XD

4 days til payday... I really want to go shopping... I want to get more groceries and I really feel the urge to buy myself something cute... I need a female friend to hang out with. I don't seem to have any of those lately. Jenny needs to freakin' get back up to Ohio. :3

On a random side note, I miss my long hair today. :<

Well, I've vented enough for now, and I'm feeling hungry/tired, so I'm off to get that nap. :P

~ Squallet

Meh.
I wish I knew how to be just as fake as some of these people out there.
It must be easy to lie just to fit in with others.
How well do you think they study their roles?

I have such bad freakin' social anxiety.
Anytime I have to be around people I don't know, I just get extremely uncomfortable.
It's not so bad just going somewhere public because then I don't have to talk to people.
But if I have to be around my boyfriend's family, I get SO anxious. It's horrible.
I hate being the center of attention.
I just wish more people were understanding of my issues.
They act like I don't want to be a part of their life or something.
I'm just not comfortable with those kinds of situations.
My stomach turns into knots, I fumble around with things, I shake a little.
It's just not a good place for me to be.
It's so depressing.

And yet, all I want is to have people to hang out and have a good time with.
Just a few more close friends would be nice.
People I was comfortable with, so there wouldn't be any nervous tension.

I'm never good enough for anybody...
Do they just want me to be a doll? A puppet?
Something that can be everything they want me to be?
I'll never be one of those fake people.
So get over it. >.>

~Squallet

So much for a decent day.
There's nothing I'd love more right now than to rip someone's face off. o.o
Erghhhhhhhhhh!!!!!1!!1111!!!1!
Yeah, that about sums it up.

I don't want to see him at ALL right now.
I'm feel so... well... every bad feeling you can think of...

Fuck.
I REALLY don't want to see him... :'<

Oh, and for the record, Matt randomly called me at 4:00 AM.
And texted me this morning because he wanted to know if I was okay.
Wow. One would actually think he cared. :\

Sigh.
Why does everything suck so much today?

~ Squallet

Matt is a fucking douchebag.
Yeah, there's NO way of trying to put that nicely.
He seriously needs to grow a fucking pair.
That is all.

No wait, I lied.
I feel like ranting just a bit more.
I'm not sure what about yet.
Let's just see what comes out of my head.

I have class at 9:00 AM tomorrow morning.
It's going on 1:30 AM now.
I can't freakin' sleep.
I hate nights like this when thinking and feeling keeps me awake.

Thinking about Matt is making me sick to my stomach right now, honestly.

I shouldn't even give a shit, but damn, I'm only human.
I have a hard time not caring about anyone who I used to care a lot about.
Hell, even people who've moved on and could give a shit less about me.
It's pretty fucking sad.

I just need to go into my little apathetic bubble. >.>

So yeah.
He called me the other day while I was at Mike's house.
He starts talking to me all normal and nice, just asking how I am, etc.
We converse normally for a few minutes.
I ask him where he's been and why he hasn't been responding my texts and whatnot.
He tells me he has me blocked on everything, including my phone number blocked.
So, he doesn't even GET my texts now. >.>
Then I ask why he's calling to talk if he has me blocked on everything.
He says he's calling to say goodbye.
He claims I "had my chance" to have him back. o.o
He tells me that she and him are back together.

I sort of laugh it off and tell him that I'm used to his routine by now.
One day he hates me. One day he loves me.
He wants me in his life. He doesn't.
He's with her. He's not.
Wtf?

I really just can't stand his ass anymore.
He tells me "Fine, take it as a joke if you want."
I tell him that I'm not, I just know how this whole damn cycle goes.
He says that he can assure me that was the last time I'd ever talk to him.

...

HAHAHAHA!!! As if I've never heard that one before!!
So I say, "Yeah, you know, until you decide to leave her again."
God knows that every time he does, he has to come whining to someone.
And I'm the only real friend he's had in a long time.
So what then, m'dear? o.o

It just astounds me.
How the HELL does one date someone they can't stand? O.O
Like, all he did was complain about how he can't stand her.
He doesn't love her in the slightest.
Like, is he really that pathetic that he needs to justify his existance through a relationship?

God, get some self worth. Please. >.>
It's just fucking pathetic.

So, that was about it. We said bye and hung up.
I rushed off to Mike's bathroom and collapsed on the floor crying.
Go figure.

I came out and Mike hugged me because he knows how much shit Matt's put me through.
All I asked him through tears was "Did I at least sound strong?"
The last thing Matt deserves is to know that he hurt me yet again, like no one else knows how to.

If nothing else, at least I can act like I don't care.
I probably beat myself up over it for the rest of the day.
I thought, well hey, maybe I should have let myself be vulnerable.

My GOD, he's so manipulative.
He has to hurt me on purpose just to test me, to see if I care.
If he doesn't know that I do by now, then he's just fucking stupid.

I'm sorry if I'm just not so eager to date someone who would settle for the next best thing. o.o

Who does he love? Me.
Who could he come to for anything? Me.
Who was there for him, even after ALL the bullshit he pulled? Me.

I'm done.
You know how many times I had to look like a dumb fuck because I told someone I'd forgiven him AGAIN?
That I'd given him YET ANOTHER CHANCE after he fucked me over?
That I had to try to DEFEND the ONE person who's put me through more HELL than ANYONE?!

Yes... I'm using caps now. o.o

I'm just sick of looking like a desperate, poor, pathetic, naiive, gullible, stupid, walked-all-over moron.

Here. Let's have a little example.

Me: Matt wanted me to tell you he says hi.
John: You guys are talking again?
Me: Yeah, we have been since he broke up with her.
John: *sigh*
Me: I know. But it's just hard when you care about someone so much. You want to believe that that good side of them is still in there.
John: *gives me that look*
Me: Oh come on. I'm sure if you cared so much about someone, you'd forgive them for fucking you over.
John: No, not really.

No one wants to have to be in that situation where we care a lot about such an asshole.
I was just unfortunate enough to genuinely care for him.
What a waste.

Bottom line is that I'm not just about to give up a great relationship to run back to someone who:

1. Treated me like shit when he DID have me.
2. Treats me like shit when he DOESN'T have me.
3. Would settle for anything with a pulse that's willing to put out.

Is there a heart inside of him? Hm, perhaps.
I saw it once.
Even after all this, I'm still willing to say that he's my only ex that genuinely loved me.
Hell, he still does.
It's just too bad that love and hate have to be such closely linked emotions. >.>;

If given the choice, he'd without a doubt choose me over her every damn time.
How do I know this?
He's told me so. Numerous times.
Every time I told him that I still had feelings for him, he'd go on about how he'd leave her in a second to be with me again.
He would constantly tell me all the things he missed about me that he doesn't have with her.

Hell, he's been quoted as saying "If the status of our relationship was based on sex, it would be great. But sadly, that isn't enough."
Yeah... he pretty much just admitted that the only good thing about them was the sex. XD

It's just so aggravating to see someone be with someone just because they feel the need to have SOMEONE. ANYONE.
He was single for a whole... month? Less?
Could he REALLY not live with it for THAT long that he would just take her back?
Does he really feel THAT worthless that he needs someone there just to make him feel like he means something? o.o

That's just... sad.
Get a fucking hobby dude.

So basically, he's not basing his relationship on any kind of love whatsoever.
He may love me, but he'd settle for either of us.
And that's why in the end, as sad as I am over everything, as much as I still cry myself to sleep because of him, I'm glad I'm not with him.
I can't stand the manipulation, the senseless hate.
I can't take that anymore.

I deserve better than that.
I deserve someone who wouldn't settle for less.
I deserve someone who wants me, not just anybody.
I deserve someone who would fight for me, not just give up and find someone to meet his immediate needs.
I deserve someone who won't settle for a relationship without love.
Someone who isn't afraid of loving somebody else with everything they have.

Thank God for Michael.
I seriously think that he's heaven-sent some days.
Assuming I was getting all hypothetically religious and whatnot.
I mean, some days he just pisses me off to no end, but I love him. :P

*sigh*
I just REALLY needed to get this all down before I went crazy.
Now, back to trying to sleep. o.o
Night all!

~ Squallet

BLARGH!!1!!1 D:
*Headkeyboard*
yyhyhybhuyhhybuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu
Apparently that's what my forehead wanted to say. o.o

There have been very few people in this world that I've missed so much. No boyfriend or ex-boyfriend or love interest of any kind has ever weighed on my mind this much.

It's so infuriating... in such a way that it makes me want to cry! Why did I have to go and break everything? God, I've beat myself up over this for years.

If only I could go back, I'd do it all differently. I wouldn't be so chicken-shit and just sit there and let it all fall apart. What the hell was I so afraid of anyway?

But now I've waited too long. I've probably lost one of the best friends I've ever had for good. Damn, I'd do anything to get her back.

Gahhh, how the hell does one end up crying and posting on Woohu when she should be in bed?! O.O

Fuck... Math class early in the morning... >.>'

I HAVE A TOASTER!!1!11 D:
So... I have a toaster.
Ok, that wasn't the point.

The point is that I'm so super busy lately since school started. I'm actually currently just taking a two minute break from a web publishing assignment that I'm working on. Fun stuff.

I pretty much have a job! I have to hand back a bunch of forms that I had to fill out, but once I do, I'm hired. :3 It's just a job up at the college, but it's still a job, and at least it's doing something I know how to do, which is taking care of the computer labs and print lab in the Visual Communications department, and loaning out cameras and other equipment for students to use.

Hopefully, by this time next year, I'll be in my own apartment. I can't WAIT. Me and Mike decided that once we're both employed and have saved up about $5,000, we'll get our own apartment. We already have it all budgeted out and whatnot, and are starting to save up appliances and whatnot that we'll need. I just got a toaster from my parents! :D It's exciting! I have my own toaster! XD

Well, that's about it for now. I'm being harassed to go do stuff... which doesn't help, assuming that this assignment is due by midnight tonight. Lame. X.x

~ Squallet

You know what?
I don't blog much anymore. o.o It kind of sucks. But at the same time I have to think to myself, "Hey, it's because you have a life outside of your apartment now."

I suppose that's cool. xD

At the same time, I wish I had more interesting things to write about. Every day is pretty much the same. Wake up, see Mike, go home, sleep. Repeat. Nothing wrong with seeing Mike all the time. I love spending time with him! But at the same time, I'm REALLY looking forward to getting back to school in January! That and I really hope I can find a part-time job sometime too. Having some spare cash would be great until I get my associate's. Then I can worry about getting a better full-time job or figuring out where to continue my education from there.

BUT, until classes start in January, there's nothing much to do except to enjoy my free time with Mike. <3

Random Dream Interpretations
So I was laying here with Mike half asleep. I had just woken up from a series of REALLY random dreams, but the last moment of them was simply beautiful. Mike and I were all dressed up and walking into this masquerade ball type thing. Everything was decorated in white. There were thousands of lights everywhere and a giant fountain in the middle of the courtyard. I only got the briefest look at this scene before Mike's phone alarm went off and woke us up. I just remember his arm in mine, looking to the side, and seeing his sweet smile before the blaring sound woke me up. Perhaps I'll look up some dream interpretations on that later.

After this though, we both attempted to go back to sleep for another hour. I laid there half asleep, and just tried to put myself back into my beautiful dream, but instead I just ended up going in and out of sleep. I figured that while I was in this state, I might be able to get myself into some lucid dreaming, astral travelling, past life regression, etc. Instead, I found myself trying to get a glimpse into my future. I'm not sure if someone is supposed to be able to do that. The whole time it was going on, I was completely aware of where I was, I could hear Mike's TV, I knew I was laying in his arms, and even though that part of me was conscious, there was a part of my brain that was somewhere else.

Now, I didn't get any sure predictions or anything. More so what I did was I started imagining myself walking down a hall and then walking through a door where I could have some questions answered, and what I got was symbolism on return. On the right there was a pretty green tree in bloom, like something you'd see in the spring. Looking at it, I felt a sense of growing and just being alive and happy. On the left there was an equally pretty tree, full of colorful fall leaves, but they were slowly falling off. The only difference from the other tree was that this one had a long path following behind it. It gave me a sense of something perhaps a bit less cheery, but definitely something long-lasting and steady. I could picture myself walking down this path, but at the same time, I could picture myself climbing up the growing tree.

Woohoo for random symbolism! So I figured that I would look some things up in a dream dictionary and put them here for documentation.

Oak Tree
To see an oak tree in your dream, symbolizes longevity, stability, strength, tolerance, wisdom, and prosperity. It may also mean that you have built a solid foundation for success in some endeavor.

To see an oak tree with acorns, represents your climb up the social ladder and rise in status.

Trees
To see lush green trees in your dream, symbolize new hopes, growth, desires, knowledge, and life. It also implies strength, protection and stability. You are concentrating on your own self-development and individuation.

To dream that you are climbing a tree, signifies that you will achieve your career goals and reach those high places in society. The degree of difficulty to which you climb the tree will measure the speed of your achievement of these goals.

Maple Tree
To see a maple in your dream, symbolizes humility, warmth, and openness. It also indicates positive gains, happiness and fullness of life.

Autumn
To dream of autumn, indicates that something is about to come to an end and something new will begin. Alternatively, the dream is symbolic of the cycle of life. It is time to collect the benefits and rewards that you've worked so hard for.

Spring
To dream of the season of spring, signifies new beginnings and creative endeavors. It is also a symbol for warmth, virility and fruitfulness.

Path
To walk through a quiet, open path, signifies clarity of thought and peace of mind. It may also symbolize your progress.

To see a blocked or windy path, denotes that you need to give serious attention to the direction you are heading in your personal and/or business life. You also need to take time out to consider and rethink the consequences before acting on your choices.

Smile
To dream that you or others are smiling, signifies that you are pleased with your achievements and approve of the decisions you have made. You will be rewarded for the good things you've done for others. Alternatively, you may be seeking for something or someone that will make you happy.

Left
To dream of the direction left, symbolizes the unconscious and your repressed thoughts/emotions. It is an indication of passivity.

Right
To dream of the right, represents conscious reality, deliberate action and rational thoughts. It may also be a pun on the rightness of an idea, decision, or plan. The dream is offering encouragement and telling you that you are doing the right thing or that you are on the right path.

Wow... Some of those interpretations are so dead on. And that says something if that's supposed to be two different future paths. o.o

That's one violent fucking cow... o.o
So I'm in a relatively good mood right about now.
Oh, and yes, Mike totally infiltrated my journal for that last post. :3

Anyway, I've been up all night playing Runescape, because I'm a massive nerd. I spent a bunch of time just sitting around killing cows... It raised my defense a level though, so I can't complain. Hahaha.

Wow, how random is that?

I suppose if I'm going to post an update, it should probably have some kind of actual meaning and not just be about me mercilessly slaughtering poor cows on Runescape.

My life... is so... Idk. Tragically beautiful sometimes. I hate it but I love it. I mostly just hate it because I feel like a massive waste of life. It's because I've been out of school for so long. o.o BUT I'm registered to return in January! I can't wait! :3 And to think, I only took off for one semester! It almost drove me crazy!! But I got to spend a ton of time with Mike, which made it all worthwhile! :]

I'm so crazy about him. <3 Like... what we have is so precious and amazing. We always work things out before they can turn into arguements, so we don't waste time pointlessly fighting. It's so nice! Hehehe. He just makes me feel all warm and squishy inside!

Oh shit... those are my intestines... o.o

But anyway!!! I think I should rant about this one guy! Because like... this situation drives me crazy!!! >.< Well, I know this guy who can be a total asshole. In fact, thanks to him, I had a HORRIBLE emotional breakdown a few weeks ago that poor Mike had to help me through. I made myself so sick that night...

Here's the kicker. He's not really an asshole on his own. I mean, yeah, he can be, but he generally isn't. And now, he's supposedly leaving his psycho fiance type thing. I don't know if it'll actually last this time, and I'm not sure if I really care. On one hand, I really hope it does, because then he'll be free of a complete bitch and he could do SO much better! She's so controlling and just... ergh. I just can't stand her. But then he'll get his freedom back, so he'll be able to do what he wants, and we'll be able to talk and hang out again and whatnot.

On the OTHER hand, I almost hope he doesn't leave her, for the same exact reasons. If he does, that means he'll want to start talking and hanging out a lot again, and I'm not sure if I want that to happen. Well, I wouldn't mind the talking, but I doubt we could ever be best friends again like we used to be. Sure, it would be pretty awesome, but there are some problems with that.

One, I spend every moment of my freetime with Mike. Now, that's not a bad thing at all. I love every second I spend with him. <3 But I'm not really sure if I'd be willing to give up my Mike-time to hang out with him. Two, this said person would probably want to be more than just friends, and might try stuff. Yeeeah, I'm not okay with that. I never want to hurt Mike that way again. Ever. EVER. He deserves only the BEST.

Sigh.

This sucks. Hardcore. I don't want to hurt this said person anymore either... Hopefully he'll just be so happy not to be with her anymore, that he won't even think about trying to start any other kind of relationship. It would be great to just be friends.

But I know how much that would hurt Mike...

GOD, I'm such a hypocrite... I don't mean to be at all, and I try to apologize when I am... And then I get upset over things in his past. It's like... dude, he can't change it now, so I need to get over it and move on. And who am I to tell him not to talk to someone because it bothers him when I go ahead and talk to this said person, which really upsets him. I told him I'd stop talking to this person, and so far I've held to that. When I'm with him, I don't find it hard to stop talking to this person at all. Mike's smile is enough to get me to do just about anything. I'd give anything to see my baby happy. <3

Sigh again. I guess we shall see what happens. Until then, I just gotta keep my head up and keep on truckin'.

Note to self: Try to keep being honest with people! Don't dig any holes you can't climb yourself out of!! >.<

I'd write more, but I'm effin' tired, and now I'm totally ignoring poor Jeff Gordon. Jeff is amazing btw. Just thought I'd let you all know.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!! :D

I should be upset.
Massively upset.
In tears.
Hating myself.
But you know what?
I'm not.

So I fell in love with my best friend.
So my best friend happened to reciprocate those feelings.
So he happens to be everything I've dreamed of and so much more.
So what?

This is what makes me happy.
He's the one who makes me feel complete.
For once I'm not torn apart, but held together.

He's the Jack to my Rose.
The Noah to my Ally.
The Edward to my Bella.
The Aragorn to my Arwen.
The Christian to my Satine.
The Jack to my Sally.
The Squall to my Rinoa.
The Cloud to my Aeris.
The Tidus to my Yuna.
The Peter to my MJ.
The Steve to my Claire.
The Phantom to my Christine.
... Yes, I liked the phantom better...

Okay... I just felt like listing a bunch of those to see how many I could come up with. I could probably come up with more too, that's the sad part. xD

But in conclusion, he's the October to my April.
My other half in every possible way.

After watching Titanic together tonight (yes, we're dorks) we just laid together on his bed, his room dimly lit by the computer. Just the feeling of lying in his arms was absolutely incredible. We just talked sweetly and softly together as we held one another. Both of us had to comment on how seemingly perfect the moment was. It felt like the world, for that one moment, was in perfect balance, and everything was in harmony. Our chests were pressed together and I swore that I could feel his heart beating back against mine. It was like the world stopped spinning for just that moment, and we were the only two in existance.

It's so nice to have someone like him in my life. It's amazing to be loved the way I love in return. To have someone who enjoys spending time with me, someone who can express how they feel, someone who communicates openly with me, someone who pays attention to what I say and remembers even the littlest things that I mention, someone who can say sweet little things to make me smile even when I'm feeling miserable. Just... *sigh* I can't even put into words how happy having him makes me.

As long as I have him, anything is possible, and I hope his arms will always be my home. <3

It is so fucking on!
Jim is a total douchebag.
End of story.
Mike is amazing.
Jenny is too.
And so is John.
End of story.
Who's the bitch now?

You know what?
I came to a realization tonight.
Yes, another one.

Okay, it's actually the same one, but it seems to keep hitting me.
Everyone else seems to see it but me.

Why?
Because I try to deny it.
I keep trying to defend him, because I know I'll feel guilty for hurting him.

But in the end, I know they're right.
I do deserve better. I deserve to be with someone who will make me happy.
I'm not happy with where I am now, and people can see it.

So they ask "Why the hell are you still with him?"
And I'm like "You're right. Why AM I? o.o"

So it's official.
This is going to end, hopefully sooner rather than later.

I have someone amazing waiting for me, and I can't wait to call him mine.

I love you Michael! <3

A pretty picture, but nothing more...
So I came to a realization tonight. Everything over this past year, including the person I was, has been a complete lie, an act and nothing more. Want to know the funniest part? I even fooled myself. I thought that the person I was becoming was the person I wanted to be. I completely lost sight of who I was. I alienated myself from most others and did nothing but focused on trying to get a job so that I could save up money and leave this town behind.

I didn't realize that he was the reason I was changing...

But then I realized something. I took two seconds to separate my desires from his, and I realized that we didn't really want the same things. He wants to get away from his life, to escape. He wants to go away and learn, get another degree, and make more money to drown himself and his greedy ways in. Then in what way, shape, or form does he even need me by his side?

My realization? He doesn't. "Our" life doesn't concern him. It might as well just be his life, which just happens to include me. He doesn't care what I want in life. If it doesn't revolve around him, he wants nothing to do with it. I'm not about to just let my life pass me by just to give him what he wants. Even if I do love him, no man is worth that price.

So I told him I won't be moving with him next year. I'm staying right here in my hometown and going back to community college in the spring. Let's face it, I don't have the money to move across the country, nor do I have the time to save up that amount of money. It's just a ridiculous thought. It was a dream, but in time everyone eventually has to wake up.

Plus, I'd miss the snow. :P

So what's going to happen to us? We'll eventually drift apart. I'll have to let him go, and we'll both just have to move on with our lives. He shouldn't have too much of a problem doing this, but for some reason, I really dread hurting him. I don't want him to ever hurt, but I know that a future with him just won't make me happy. I can just feel that it won't.

I've found someone in my life recently... Someone who I love very dearly. Someone who helped me find myself again. He helped me see that I was just pretending that everything was okay, and that who I was pretending to be wasn't really who I was. In finding him, I found myself. Is that really such a bad thing?

For the first time in a long time, I feel whole. Like for the longest time, part of me was missing and I didn't even know it. But when I looked in his eyes, I knew I was home.

And I know that this is the future that will make me happy, and it was right here the whole time. It was deep inside the heart of the best friend who I should have known would have stolen my heart in the end.

I'm home.

<3

44, 44, 44.
Okay, this just happened, so I felt the need to blog it.

My last few blogs have only been like... well... a few lines of some emotional, sentimental stuff, but this is just hilarious.

Mike was just driving, rushing to get me home and get back to his work meeting on time, when he got pulled over for speeding. We knew that WickedFast couldn't be ticket-free forever. Not with the way Mike speeds. XD

The speed limit was 25. Mike was doing 44.

So the cop asks him, "Are you the owner of this vehicle? It says that the owner of this vehicle is 49 years old. Are you 49 years old?" And Mike's all "... No. o.o" Then as the cop went back to his car for a minute, Mike was all "Wtf...? Well, I have registration. *Pulls out of glovebox*" Haha! So yeah, apparently the cop looked up the wrong license place number.

Then on the ticket that he gave Mike, under remarks, it just said "44, 44, 44." XD!

Me: It says "44, 44, 44." I wonder what the hell that means. o.o
Mike: Um, probably that I was doing 44?

It was hilarious. It was almost like the cop was scolding him like a little kid for speeding. XD And it's a week before his 20th birthday too! He almost made it to 20 without a [caught] traffic violation. Trust me, I've seen him make a few. lol! So I told him jokingly that maybe me and John could try to help pay off his ticket for his birthday present. Then Mike was just like "Well, there goes my birthday money..." Haha!

Yeeeah, that's about it. I just felt the need to blog that. :D

Mr. Greenleaf, I do declare!

~ Squallet