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This is your life, is it everything you wish it would be?

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jus4fun06

:: 2012 7 April :: 4.03pm
:: Mood: melancholy

I hold a cup of green tea in my hands. The warmth stimulates my palms, sends goosebumps up and down my arms. I hover into the warmth, over this little soure of heat. It makes me feel. Lets me know im still here. It creates a moment of silence in my life. In the shower, I scratch my skin and let the scalding water burn across the pink lines. That same tingling sensation. I like it. It comforts me and leaves no questioning marks. It is pain and I delve in every second of it.

I know everyone wants me to give up. I know everyone says Ill be better soon. I know everyone thinks that I will reflect upon this time and be like, what was I thinking. But I have my doubts. I dont give up. I dont abandon my dreams. I dont allow let people tell me I cant do something. Thats what drives me. Thats what forces me to reach beyond what others do. I cant be stopped. I cant be told no. I wont accept it. Thats why this is soooo hard. So hard to let go of something I fought so hard for. So hard to give up on something that made happy. So hard. So hard. And Im sorry. Not only am I letting you all down, I am letting myself down.

I feel so foolish. Foolish to waste my time with something. Foolish to still be hung up on this. Foolish to believe that what was felt was real. That someone would actually have me in their thoughts from the moment they woke up until they fell asleep. Someone would make me feel the way I did. That I could connect so strongly and quickly to another. I refuse to believe its done. I refuse to believe he has nothing left. I refuse to believe it was all for naught. Thats where the foolish part comes in. This is where I am dumb beyond reason. I think its because he has parts of me that I never really gave to another. He has pieces of me and now they are left in unstable hands.

Cant break me down | bury me bury me | I am finished with you you you you | Look in my eyes | youre killing me killing me | all I wanted was you | Cant break me down break me down

I keep thinking about how I messed it all up. I fucked everything up beyond fixable. It is all my fault. I destroyed my own happiness. And I am only making it worse when I try to make it better. I have no one to blame but myself. I allowed someone to see how emotionally unstable I am. I allowed someone to see the worst side of me. I allowed him to see my scars and my stress that I never share with anyone. There would be nights when I would go to parties with him. He would make me so nervous so I would drink more than I normally do to deal with it. Then A started insisting he take her to the parties. So he would bring her. I would watch the two together. Watch as she would cuddle close to him. Watch as she hugged him or ran her fingers through his hair. Then I would get jealous. I would get frustrated. I would get angry. Angry at him. At her. At myself for believing him. I would hate the situation I put myself in. I would text him.

This was the time when my life was falling apart. My fiance and I were done. I had to move out of my apartment and back with my rents. I had quit my job to move to MD and I was no longer moving to MD but staying in PA. I had no money. My car died. I had stress from my parents, my ex, the loan company... I felt hopeless, alone, angry that my life was unraveling before my very eyes. Now, I had debated my relationship with my ex before I met R, but R helped me affirm what I knew inside. He brought it to the surface, it was always inside me. However, he is still part responsible for my relationship ending. And for him to keep me a secret, not leave A and to have to ignore him in public was just too much stress. I took it out on him. I did. I admit it. And I know that is not the way you treat someone you care about. And for that I am beyond wrong.

I would say things like I was better than her. I could do X, Y, & Z better than she and he knew it. I would tell him how frustrated I was to like someone who didnt like me [even though he did, I wouldnt believe it] I would be torn since I knew what we were doing was wrong; he had his girlfriend therefore he shouldnt have me as well. Society told me to cut it off then and there, in the heat of everything and I couldnt. That was the the right move. It was. I was torn because people were telling me to tell A and I wasnt sure if I could.It was a lot of pressure and I broke under it. I completely fell apart, I am still picking up pieces. I did stupid things. I am still doing stupid things. And I am mad at myself for doing this.

I think what most people dont understand is that he was the first thing I did for me. I spent my entire life giving myself to others. I spent my entire college career being involved and helping others and giving myself to everyone. I stretched myself thin on many occasions, but I was addicted to the rush of being busy and ignoring myself. I wanted to forget myself, so I threw myself into everything and anything... leaving every minute of the day planned. I didnt sleep much and I was fine with that.

After college, I spent the year and a half maintaining a house, raising a puppy and a kitty, trying to mold myself into the perfect wife. The wife that would sit at home all day, cleaning, cooking, and entertaining her husband. I kept giving myself to my ex, hoping he would keep me happy and I would be content. But I wasnt. I was just putting a circle through the square hole. Yes it fits, and yes it goes through, but it doesnt fit perfectly. Then when I met R. I was selfish. The one time in my life, I was selfish. I did something for me. I did something that made me fully happy. A simple text, made my face light up. I guess thats what I did wrong. I did something for me. What did I learn? I cannot have something for me. I cannot be selfish. I cannot have him. He is the one person that made me feel safe. When he hugs me, I feel so safe in his arms. It seriously is the best feeling. Truly, I have never felt the way I did before as I did with him. And I am told that I will feel that way with someone else, but I dont want to. I want him.

I am too stubborn for my own good. Too ignorant to see the truth. I am foolish. But I think I want to be foolish. I dont want to give up. I will not text him. I will not contact him. I will not like his statuses. I will not go north to his college. I will not see him privately. I am ok with that. But I will not give him up. Maybe we just met at the wrong time. Maybe we are meant for another time in our lives. Maybe we just arent ready for each other. Maybe space and time is the only thing to heal us. I just want to fix everything. Im a fixer. But I am going to do the hardest thing I have ever done.

L e t g o. But I wont give up

Old and busted


jus4fun06

:: 2010 20 August :: 6.53pm

The real world really isnt that fun.
Promise to expand later...

Old and busted


a-demons-angel

:: 2009 18 May :: 9.36pm

I've been listening to Ashanty a lot lately
Her lyrics fit the description of my life and capture the emotions fairly well...

Rescue

All alone and I'm feeling wanted
Try to wait but my body's calling, you're the one so why don't
You come and rescue me,
I'll be here while you on your way, counting down till I see your face,
Hurry up cause I love the way you rescue me.
Now your're here, come on out, the rain soaking wet
Body glistening, finally we could do something so rescue me,
Can't believe how it's going down,
I'm so obsessed with this love I found it got my head spinning
Round and round just rescue me.


All night long Take me away to another place,
Rescue me save me, save me save me all night long
Take me away to another place rescue me
Save me, save me, save me


I come alive when I feel your touch
And I can drown In this pool of love, you could get what I'm thinking of
Come rescue me, what you think couldn't be replaced
If you were gone I would find a way to get you back,
Cause I love the way you rescue me, laying here with you in the dark
I always knew you could shift my heart,
When I'm with you I don't want to stop so rescue me,
Only you can fulfill my need take me away from this agony,
I want to live out my fantasy just rescue me.

Rain On Me

I'm lookin' in the mirror
At this woman down and out
She's internally dyin'
I know this was not what love's about

I don't wanna be this woman
The second time around
'Cause I'm wakin' up screamin', no longer believin'
That I'm gonna be alright

And over and over I tried
Yet over and over you lied
over and over I cried, yeah
I don't know why

And over and over I tried
Yet over and over you lied
over and over I cried, yeah
I don't know why

Rain on me
Lord, won't you take this pain from me
I don't wanna live, I don't wanna breathe
Baby, just rain on me
Lord, won't you take this pain from me
I don't wanna live, I don't wanna breathe, tell ya just


See, I don't want to hug my pillow late at night no more
I'm tossin' and turnin' and thinkin' 'bout burnin' down these walls
I-I don't wanna fuel this fire no more, no more, no more
See, I made up my mind 'cause I've wasted my time
Ain't nothin' here to keep me warm

I'm so tired of the rain
In my life
And I'm so tired of the strain
And now you're gonna lie

'Cause sometimes I can't sleep at night and
This here it just don't seem right and
Sometimes I just wonder why I
Almost let my life go by

'Cause sometimes I can't sleep at night and
This here it just don't seem right and
Sometimes I just wonder why I
Almost let my life go by

Over

Can't believe that it's over baby
But every bruise on my heart you gave me
See we tried but we fight then we cried now it's over babe it's over babe.


When I met you I knew you would be the one,
for me cause looking at you made me feel kind of
crazy, now what you asked I almost did it automatically
but it was nothing compared to the joy you gave me.
Although I know that what we had it wasn't perfect babe,
you fooled around, but see back then it didn't phase me
I thought by staying, trying to change you would be worth it babe,
but now I see that trying to change you only changed me.
All these tears,and all of your lies
all these years and now we're saying goodbye, it's over babe.


Now I'm thinking that I never should have dealt with you,
all this screaming and this yelling
that we go through raining late at night I'm sitting waiting up for you
just to tell you how I hate who you turned into,
see ain't no way I'm gonna sit and take this shit from you,
I'll never play another day of being your fool,
I wasted all my time on something that just wasn't true,
I should have known I could never ever change you.
All these tears, and all of your lies,
all these years and now we're saying goodbye it's over babe.

I'll never forget what you did to me so I'm gone I'm leaving leaving baby,
I'll never forget
what you did to me so I'm gone I'm leaving leaving baby.
Whenever you see me don't even speak,
I'll never forget what you did to me.
Whenever you see me don't even speak, I'll never forget what you did to me.



I'll never forget what you did to me so I'm gone I'm leaving, leaving baby.
I'll never forget
what you did to me so I'm gone I'm leaving, leaving baby.

<3

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jus4fun06

:: 2009 2 April :: 11.23am

I am trying.
I am failing.
I cant seem to be in control of all the things I want to be in control of.
It is so frustrating. I am trying to go to the gym and eat healthy, but my thighs are still massive.
Constantly, my bf is fighting me on the stupidest things.
I feel like such a failure.
My staff hates me and never helps me out.
At least my hall loves me. It's really nice that they actually like me.
We had an awesome program last night and I think they really enjoyed it.
There's hope.

I need this summer. This summer to be away. This summer to work.
This summer to earn money. I hate this economy. I hate paying for college. I have having to deal with money. Just give me all my AG and I'll be happy.

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loserxdork

:: 2009 28 January :: 1.25am

Just thought I would stop by every now and then to say whats up, and let everyone know that I am alive. I am alive, doing semi-well. Still working the crappy Telemarketing job that I hate, and I just recently got another job. That one is a babysitting job that starts in March, hopefully my boss will let me keep my job now as well. I'm still with Joe (it was 3 years in August) and that's about it. I'm living with my mother, her "friend" and her daughter which is complete suckage but I deal. I spend a lot of time with Joe, I speak to my dad....occasionally. He still doesn't call me, ever but whatever I deal. I guess I've just learned that is the way he is and I can't get mad, well, I can but I can't take it out on him because nothing will ever change. Well, that is really it!

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jus4fun06

:: 2008 30 December :: 10.45am

my other journal is corrupt.

i wish i werent retarded

i am not looking forward to my hall
i always fuck it up.


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loserxdork

:: 2008 26 November :: 12.42am
:: Mood: nostalgic

Whoaa.
I can't believe I always forget about my Woohu. It's sad. This was my first journal site, and I love it. I just wish others here were still active. No one that I used to talk to is really on here and it makes me sad. If anyone is interested you can find me a few different ways.

FACEBOOK: Search for me (Marissa Fein) just tell me who you are, and that you're from WOOHU.
MySpace: http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=609403 - There is my link, send me a message and let me know who you are and that you are from WOOHU :)

AIM: Defectivexbeauty
YAHOO: lovesalosinggame

Livejournal (that I barely use): riss___
Melodramatic.com: dorktothemax

So, that aside things are going ok. So much has been going on in my life it would take me ages to update everyone. If you'd like to talk, just find me and I would be glad to indulge in some intelligent conversation, witty banter, or just shooting the shit :)

1 New hotness | Old and busted


a-demons-angel

:: 2008 9 October :: 10.27am
:: Music: PRAY--- Till I go blind?

A little excerpt from the wisdom that is Bill:
Why shouldnít we, as in the human race, do what we want to? Why are we so bound to a life of prejudice and repetition of the same old boring shit to the point that one would actually claim that they hate their life? For fuck sake you only get one. Youíre born, you live, you die, and all that matters is what you did during your life not what others say you are supposed to. The idea of obligation is purely an issue of perspective, one is obligated to do what is necessary to support oneís own way of life. But that is not what we are taught. We are taught that an obligation is something you have to do and they even tell us what those obligations are: go to school, go to some type of church, donít commit crime, listen to your elders, listen to the police, cooperate, get a job, go to work, pay your taxes, listen to the government, do what youíre told, donít ask questions, get married, buy lots of worthless shit, and close your eyes, mouth, ears, and mind. These are all obligations of the delusional vegetables, the fucking nine-to-five commuter mother fuckers, the American dreamers. Those who enjoy it authentically are doing whatís right for them, but the majority of this population are loathsome and lonesome, overweight and underpaid, and eerily ignorant to the nutrient starved bone. Their lives pass by them in clouds of what could have been. And every day they question why but not how or when it can be fixed because theyíve been programmed to follow protocol and to be a component of the machine. The powers donít want a world full of happiness seekers because they would soon find that the happiness seekers are less than interested in furthering the endeavors of the hierarchy. We would all find zero, the middle ground where all are equal and no one person has authority over another and everyone accepts eachother as part of the whole. But then nobody would be in control and there would be no more rich or poor just happy people using their short time on the planet to learn and experience that which interests them not serving those of the hierarchy. We would all realize that reality is a matter of perspective and itís aspects are there and we are charged with finding a way to feel about it. We say right and wrong as if they are natural absolutes like night and day but they are just opinions, perceptions mapped by personal preference. If one feels something is wrong someone else feels it is right who wins? Its natural predisposition which clued me into this view why some of us enjoy something and some of us severely dislike it/ theres obviously a purpose for this natural feeling, like shitting or sex we feel an urge to pursue that which makes one happy. But we are taught not to endulge this urge just like we are told that sex is death by STD. But this urge is undeniable, if you hate something and you donít want to do it that is your brain telling you that what you are doing is not consistent with your inner rhythms and thus should stop and set about doing what suits you. Spend your life how you want contentment and happiness are success.

I'm going to read those words every time I start to feel unbalanced or unhappy.
Why did he have to leave?
He was the best at keeping me level and in the right perspective
He always made it so hard not to see the up side of things or keep my head over the water...
=/
<3

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a-demons-angel

:: 2008 8 October :: 4.51pm
:: Mood: betrayed
:: Music: A Perfect Circle - Rose

I realize now
That I have tried to be someone else ever since we got back together
Just to be someone you wanted to stay with
Just because you're changing for me as well doesn't mean its the same
You're just trying to be someone that doesn't hurt me
Or are you just trying to hide the fact that you're someone who DOES hurt me?
Were we really meant to be together?
That's not something I can answer.
I'm yours through and through
But that doesn't go both ways.
So tell me, were we meant to be together?
Or is this just one of those things that was great while it lasted but was ultimately created to be destroyed..?
I love you
<3

Old and busted


a-demons-angel

:: 2008 17 September :: 6.46pm
:: Mood: contemplative
:: Music: Walking Through the Forest - Dan Gibson

Well
I guess I'll restrict my thoughts to here
I'm listening to this soothing music
Its trying to relax me, but my mind just isn't having it.
Is all that I hope for really not on the line?
My little bird whispers a sweet melody in my ear
It speaks of the love we share and how pure and wonderful it is
The little bird speaks of how he'd like to always stay with me.
How everything that is his, is mine
I kiss him and put him back in his cage and leave--go about my day
But even if I could lock the cage, he has the key.
When I go away, little birdy, I know you do too..
Where is it that you go?
I wait a little while, wait until I hear the latch let up, hear the window open, hear you flit out and away into the horizon.
I turn the corner and watch you go.
But I always wonder, that when I come back, will you be there like nothing happened.
Just like always?

But I suppose you aren't a little birdy
Tonight, you're out hunting
I hope you are safe
You say you're hunting for me, and I know that its true.
You placed some of your night's rewards in my hands.
I was relunctant to accept your gift.. I know it is one of pure love. That's why I don't understand how to accept it.
No one's ever given me a gift of that sort.
But I accepted it, and forced a smile.
I know you wish to make me smile.
You go out sometimes to collect that sweet smelling herb to relieve my stress.
You truly are a sweet little bird.
I lay here now and enjoy the herb, and I know that somewhere, you are too.
I miss you
I wonder if you noticed the thin golden chain wrapped around your ankle.
Yes, it will never come off, but it is not there so that I you may never escape me.
In fact, I didn't even put it there; you did.
Do you see that the little chain leads all the way back to me?
Into a wound on my chest; an incision not yet healed. Forever new, always with fresh stitches.
The chain is pierced in my heart, I was you could see the intricacy of the piercings, it really is a work of art. And every time you smile, a new piercing is put in place, making the chain ever more secure.
And you may pull as hard as you might, but this chain is not the type that breaks.
But this flesh is easily destroyed.
And should you pull hard enough, the stitches would come loose; you would pull my heart straight from my chest.
You could be free then.
I wonder if that will be a day I will ever have to face.

Please God
Let me keep my little bird in this cage forever.
You know I am a creature of love, and I will never do him wrong.
Please, give me this one gift, if nothing else.
Please let me keep my little bird.

Amen.

Old and busted


a-demons-angel

:: 2008 15 September :: 6.03pm

The words in my brain right now?
Well...

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

SOMEONE SHOOT ME IN THE FUCKING HEAD.
i DON'T WANT TO BE IN HERE ANYMORE
I DON'T WANT TO THINK
PLEASE EMPTY A LOADED TWO BARRELL SHOT GUN INTO MY SKULL AND TURN MY BRAIN INTO LIQUIFIED GOODNESS

I would prefer not to exist at all than to suffer through existance.
Life should go on?
What if you've lost the one thing you were living for?
What happens then?
Why should one have to live when they don't want to?
What's the meaning in suffereing through life?

2 New hotness | Old and busted


jus4fun06

:: 2008 25 August :: 3.10am

Is it just a dream?
Will I wake up?
or will this sink in
and be reality?

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loserxdork

:: 2008 13 June :: 10.22pm
:: Mood: high

Doo doo doo doo :)
Sooo crazy. Why am I so overwhelmed? Things haven't felt this way for a longgg time. It's ok though, I'll do it because I'm good like that. I just want a job already. PLEASEEEE give me a job, seriousssssly.

Blahhh I want life to slow the fuck down A TAD!

2 New hotness | Old and busted


loserxdork

:: 2008 12 June :: 8.22pm

Stressed.
Ahhh so much shit to do - SO LITTLE TIME :(

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loserxdork

:: 2008 26 May :: 1.01pm

Freddy.

My moms new dog....

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