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This is your life, is it everything you wish it would be?

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:: 2008 21 May :: 12.47pm

I am officially jobless. I gave my job to Joe because I thought that these people were hiring me and then they decided to "go with family". I have the worst luck EVER. Well, I have two one day a week babysitting jobs but that is CLEARLY not going to be enough to hold me over considering I have to pay bills, even though Joe is going to give me money for that. I need to start looking for a job.

Old and busted


:: 2008 10 May :: 12.17pm

I guess in a way I've learned to accept that sometimes, bad things happen. My life could be worse, and I know that. I think I've increasingly been learning, and becoming a better person. I'm a good person and that is what gets me through the day. Yeah, I have my bad points but there are definitely more positives than negatives. Haha, Marissa seeing the glass as half full, not half empty - that would surprise people, that's for damn sure. My mom want to give the dog away because she has nipping problems and whatnot, I'm upset about that. I really like the dog, and if I could take her I would in a heartbeat. I don't have my own place though so that is pretty much not an option. I wish I just had a big lump sum of cash to pay off my bills, because then I could start a little re-newed debt free life, that would be nice. I can dream.

Things are OK, like I said before, things could be worse. Things are alright with Joe, and my job, and next week I'm going to be making a little cash by work 4 days at my job ($250) and then I'm babysitting for Tracey on wednesday from 4-11 or so, and thats at least $10/hour, probably more, plus she'll compensate me for travel fees. Then on friday I'll get $50 from Jill. This will definitely help towards paying off the Nextel (don't ask, longgggg story).

2 New hotness | Old and busted


:: 2008 5 May :: 7.47am
:: Mood: Music happy
:: Music: Just that.

Overcome by your moving temple
Overcome by this holiest of altars
So pure
So rare
To witness such a lovely goddess

I lost my self control
Beyond compelled to throw this dollar down
Before your holiest of altars

I'll sell my soul,
My self esteem
A dollar at a time for one chance
One kiss
One taste of you my Magdalena

I've beared witness to this place,
This lair, so long forgotten
So pure,
So rare,
To witness such a lovely goddess

And I'd sell my soul,
My self-esteem
A dollar at a time for one chance,
One kiss,
One taste of you my black madonna

I'll sell my soul,
My self-esteem
A dollar at a time

For one taste,
One taste
One taste of you my magdalena


Old and busted


:: 2008 5 May :: 7.45am
:: Mood: Bummed but Excited
:: Music: A Perfect Circle - Magdalena

Are you there?
I can't see you.

So tell me.

Are you still there?


Old and busted


:: 2008 28 April :: 8.56am

Whoa, I haven't been on here in like almost a year!
Holy crap, it's been forever and woohu was my first
love. Well, I'm back now. I can't guarantee you how
often I'll be on here but I will try my hardest. Now,
I'm going to read my entries and see how retarded
my life was over the past I think 4 or 5 years.

3 New hotness | Old and busted


:: 2008 24 April :: 12.06pm
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: A Perfect Circle - Gravity

I hereby
Give up on ever having a good birthday

Because clearly it just isn't going to happen.

This is the third year in a row.

A pattern has been formed.


Why are you doing this to me?
This year was supposed to be special.
I'm turning 18 and you promised to make it special.
You fucking promised.
This is a once in a life time thing and I'm not asking for anything but your time.
I just want to be with you.
Why is that so fucking much to ask?

You saw me last night.
What's the difference between Wednesday and Saturday besides a few days?
I don't fucking get it.
Why are ruining what was supposed to be the best birthday of my life...

Do you even know why it was going to be the best?
Because I would've fucking spent it with you, damnit.
That's why.

Do you even understand how upset about this I am?
I don't understand you because you don't make any freaking sense.
I don't fucking want to go to Touch Bass.
Do you just want me to go so you don't feel as guilty?
Because I'm bound to get really fucked up and have a good time regardless of how upset I'm going to be to be in Tampa without you?
I would rather just lay in bed with you all day cuddling.
Even if you were going to be depressed the whole time, and never smiled, I wouldn't fucking care.
I just want to fucking be with you.

I don't want to go to Touch Bass.
I just want to spend my birthday alone
Because clearly, its nothing special anyway.

To anyone who reads this
It wasn't really for your eyes.
So don't act upon it in anyway
And don't give any crap to the person who this entry was directed at
Because honestly, you don't know the story.
But I love you guys.

Old and busted


:: 2008 23 April :: 12.35pm
:: Mood: liberated
:: Music: Just this.


Don't disturb
The beast
The tempermental goat
The snail while he's feeding on
the Rose

Stay frozen, compromising
What I will
I am

Bend around
The wind silently
thrown about
Again I'm treading so
Soft and lightly

Compromising my will
I am

I am
I will
So no longer
Will I
Lay down
Play dead
Play your doe
in the headlights locked down
and terrified
Your deer in the headlights
shot down and horrified when
Push comes to pull comes to shove
Comes to step around this
Self-destructing dance that never
would've ended till I
I roared aloud here
I will
I am.

I am
I will
So no longer
Will I
Lay down
Lay dead
Play this
Kneel down
Gun-shy Martyr

I rose
I roared
I will
I am

Old and busted


:: 2008 16 April :: 9.14pm
:: Mood: bleh.
:: Music: PPK - Resurrection

Now that I think about it

Its always the same

I'm either chasing after someone trying to see them or we just kinda die off.

There's never an in between.

I'm either putting a lot of effort into the friendship or it just fades into the background.

Why can't there be some sort of in between...?


Old and busted


:: 2008 12 March :: 3.46pm
:: Mood: I gots a UTI!!! .-.
:: Music: Scooter - Maria (I Like It Loud)



Go away

Go away

And come back

After forever and a daaaaay..


PS -- There's blood coming out of my urinal hole



Old and busted


:: 2008 2 March :: 9.57pm
:: Mood: scattered, lost, crying.
:: Music: VNV Nation - Beloved

You're the one person
That could offer me any sort of comfort right now.
But how could I possibly ask you, of all people, to comfort me?
I'm mean, sure, I'm easily pacified.
All I would need is for you to be here in my arms with yours around me.
But I don't know..
I don't know.
I just wish I could be with you right now.

And I'm really sorry about your grandfather baby.
I don't know what else I can say..


I love you


Old and busted


:: 2008 8 February :: 5.15pm

i think
something is different

when did it happen?

Old and busted


:: 2008 5 February :: 7.26pm
:: Music: I can hear the dial-up sound in my head. Its hurting.

I really need
Some sort of closure.

I don't know what to do.

I can't get her of my mind.

And its really just... driving me into the ground pretty hard.

Back then, I was so desperate to do everything I could so that I could have a future with you. It was so easy to tell myself
"This will be over soon, I just have to deal with it for now, and suck it up, and then I can have my hope and my love back" and just push all thoughts of what you had with her to the back of my mind and just focus on trying to make you happy

And now I have you in a way that I never had before.
I never had you like this.
Now I feel like you've actually given me your heart to hold this time.
Laid it in my hands, and entrusted me with it.
And the only time I ever felt anything close to this was when we first got together, but then I was just so afraid I would somehow hurt you, and it was such a big fear because how badly you had been hurt.
But then you said "She's afraid she'll hurt me, but I know she cannot. She is incapable"
And I realized you were right. I could never hurt you.
But somewhere along the line I realized the reason I couldn't hurt you was not because I wasn't willing, it was because I didn't have the power to.
You kept me close to your heart
But its like you kept your heart locked in a box wrapped up in thick chains, placed it in my lap and said "Here. Hold this." and ran off.
And it was mine, but yet, I couldn't get to it.

But anyway.. Enough of my analogies.

You finally gave me everything I wanted and everything I wouldn't allow myself to hope for.

And now I truly have you.

I find myself at a standstill between my future with you and our recent past.

I guess its like...

I have a heaven on earth to look forward to, but hell is what I look back on, and hell is spiteful and angry I was able to escape and ascend, and is haunting me.

So I don't know.

I just really need closure...

Maybe I just need to talk to you about it more.

If that's what I needed for it to stop hurting, would you do that for me? I know its not something that is fun or enjoyable.

But if its what I needed would you?

I love you


Old and busted


:: 2008 4 February :: 6.15pm

I miss being able
to express myself
life is taking me away
I cant be in control
Ive lost control
I need to be in control
I have failed

Old and busted


:: 2008 2 February :: 11.19pm
:: Mood: broken and crying
:: Music: (Rockband) Nirvana - In Bloom

I don't know...

I have nothing to comfort me when you're not here...

And I can't forget.

But I want to....

I want to forget

Make me forget Malic..

Please make me forget!


Old and busted


:: 2008 17 January :: 4.31pm
:: Mood: Peaceful and Content
:: Music: Shpongle - Crescent Suns

I feel good
This song is helping with that.

But I feel alright about life.
Its going to be okay.
Its going to be good.

I'll be alright.
We'll be alright.
We'll be great.

I'll do the graduation thing.
And then I'll figure everything out from there.

I have you.
So everything will be fine.
Everything will be good.

This song makes my mind feel orgasmic.

Really, it does.

Old and busted

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