2014 3 January :: 4.57 pm
"I am not a hero; I cannot fix you. I am not strong; I cannot save you. I am weak; I cannot melt the frozen, broken places in you. I am insufficient; I cannot heal your pain. But I have hope, because I can do much more than that. I can love you."
In a place where all seems broken, the most we can do is love. Unconditionally love. I have an innate desire to fix people, to mend their broken hearts, to be the hero. That's all I wanted growing up, to be the hero, the one that people admired and inspired to be. I wanted people to look at me and say she fixed me. Maybe that's why I went into physical therapy as a career because I can fix something.
No. I can't actually fix it. The only thing I can do is instruct how to fix it. You have to fix it yourself.
So then why do I keep trying to fix all around me that is broken?
Every year when I go home for Christmas, I keep hoping to fix it all. The brokenness we all feel, the pain that never truly ends. We're all hurting. And every year something happens that makes the hurt worse, like a blade being twisted deep into the depths of our hearts.
I can't describe what it feels like to see your family broken and feel deep within your soul you can't fix it. Even though you keep trying, it's like grasping for that which does not exist. There's a certain unrest that comes with feeling this way, you have to consciously tell yourself that what has come to pass will come.
boats sail through dark waters.
smooth as glass.
heart beats beneath.
stars glisten above.
what say you?
no lights, no sounds.
i love yous
caught on the wings of silent flight.
her own reflection
stillness in her heart
rest in the sand
reflections of the moon above
footprints left behind,
engulfed by the darkness
lay down your weary head child
in this bed of sand
the blanket of your soul
whisper into the still
forgive and forget
2013 28 November :: 6.35 pm
We all have them right? From time to time, they sneak up on us and then envelop us with their long shadowed fingers. Maybe this doesn't qualify as an addiction, maybe it does, it feels addictive.
For as long as I can remember, I've struggled with a mild-form of binge eating disorder. I don't puke and don't spend endless hours in the gym trying to work it off. But I do eat without control, until the food becomes tasteless, until my stomach feels like it will burst. Until I have to take off my pants because I'm so bloated. I do it in the comfort of my own home and if I do it in public I use the excuse "Well, I'm a distance runner, I can eat like this." And then make a point to log extra miles the next day with very little caloric intake. I have been struggling with this for a long time and I never really cared until recently. All of a sudden I feel like I've hit rock bottom with it.
In our lunch room at work, we have snacks for sale, one of my coworkers uses them as a fund-raiser. It works on the honor system, you take one, you put the money in. Usually the same day but sometimes it's acceptable to put the money in the next day. I was feeling peckish and wanted a snack so I put my money in and took one. Then this overwhelming feeling to have more set in, for no reason at all. I took another, then another, the another, all while making sure no one would walk in to see my gluttonous behavior. Now, part of me says well, that was stress related, you were feeling something. No. I wasn't. I ate the first snack and then felt... like this monster inside me said "MOAR!" And I couldn't stop. Even though I kept telling myself to calm down and to hold back, something inside me kept driving the need for food, even though I was full.
Fast forward to that night, I wanted muffins, so I baked some. I enjoy the process of baking immensely. And after they came out of the oven, I ate one. Thought they tasted kind of different and not in a good way. So I ate another, and another, then another. Then took a break for a bit and then couldn't stop thinking about them no matter what I distracted myself with. Those muffins were the only thing on my mind, so I ate them all except for 2. 10 muffins.
Of course the next day I felt so guilty about it, I went on a hard bike ride and restricted my diet to control the damage.
This has been an endless cycle for years and I've always thought that it was due to the fact that I have other issues. Body image issues, childhood issues, etc. etc. But I've been working on those, I've been making meaningful friendships, I've been taking care of myself, I've been staring at myself in the mirror naked, telling myself that I love myself just the way I am. Even if one of my boobs is lopsided or if my stomach has a layer of insulation over it. I've been trying to concentrate on strength, endurance and ability, not weight. Not food.
But I can't stop thinking about it.
Today is Thanksgiving, I got invited to peoples houses and I didn't go. Because I didn't want to let my eating get out of control, that's the real reason. I will tell people that I wanted to be alone, I wanted it this way but the truth is, I am embarrassed by how much I eat and that I have a hard time stopping. I am embarrassed by my obsession with food.
I was always silent about it, until today. Until now. I am done being silent.
Hi, my name is Kalie and I have a binge-eating disorder.
2013 21 November :: 2.36 am
where do we go from here?
It's almost 3am, and I'm awake. Contemplating where I am, where I'm going and what I'm doing. There's a peace that has washed over me as of late. Even amongst all the anxiety I've been feeling, I feel calm, happy, and just mostly okay.
All my life I've been chasing the fleeting idea of perfection and I feel like I'll chase it for the rest of my life. Mainly because I am hell bent on being a better human being. I feel like that's my goal in life is to just be me but the most amazing version I can be. Can anyone truly be the best version of themselves? I think it's like perfection, a fleeting idea because you can always be better at something. Improve a little here, maybe soften your heart a little there. But the difference is that perfection is so absolute, it has an end. Being a better person doesn't. It's not the end of all things, it's the beginning of eternity.
Something I've been working on lately has been my overall outlook on life. My mom told me one day that all she hears out of my mouth is complaints. I took a step back, thought about it and said, oh my gosh, she's right. Not saying that I have to take everything lying down and be passive but instead of finding the ugly, I need to find the beauty.
Have you ever walked outside in a wind storm to see the sky black, wind howling in your ears, chill in the air? But then you watch a little longer and see how the leaves in shades of reds, oranges and yellows begin to swirl. You watch them dance, as if moving to a silent song that they only can hear, until you listen and hear it to.
That's my favorite part of wind storms, the dancing. The dancing of the leaves, trees, birds, every part of nature swaying to the music.
I feel like my life is a windstorm most of the time, but I've learned to be the leaves and just dance with the song.
2013 21 November :: 2.29 am
There is a stillness.
Drops of dew
Smell of oranges
Eyes closed, soft breaths
Light dances on her face
Feels like a lifetime
2013 17 November :: 7.31 pm
gowns and flowers
hair done just right
is it too much to ask
will you look at me?
proud I stand
dress, heels and all
sparkles and stars
heart aches and goodbyes
your little girl is standing tall
and you won't look at all
off into night
carrying the weight
of a broken heart
2013 17 November :: 6.10 pm
reminiscent of a dream.
crowns and tights
the orchestra begins to play
i am in a fairytale
stage left, stage right
rug burns on my feet
one legged like a flamingo
listening for the symphony
the beautiful cacophony of sound
filling my ears
until the soundtrack ends
then i am me again
a little girl
with rug burns and a crown
but in my head
i am one of them
2013 17 November :: 5.35 pm
red polka dot rain boots.
childhood dreams and fears
all come out to play
when the sky gets grey
a moment, a space in time
it begins anew
another storm comes
but this time she's ready
with her red polka dot boots
twirling until she falls down
one two three
take a deep breath
2 let |
2013 17 November :: 5.30 pm
All I want to do right now is write, write poems, journal entries, songs, anything. I want to put words to my thoughts, stop feeling so scared and just let myself fly free. I want freedom from the storms inside my head, nay not freedom. I want to learn how to look at the storm, put on my rain boots and go dancing in the rain. I imagine that in my head sometimes, little Kalie puts on her red rain boots and goes dancing. Laughing, spinning, twirling, sometimes I think she's telling me that it'll be okay. That the rain really isn't that bad, she makes it seem like there's freedom found in the storm.
Beauty, freedom, peace, do these always have to be found in the light or can they be found in the dark? As the rain falls and the music quietly plays, I can't help but wonder, is this who I am?
2013 17 November :: 5.22 pm
welcome home they say.
this is where you belong.
stillness reaches out
here is where we hide.
in the depths of our hearts.
silent and breathless.
where do we go?
2013 17 November :: 5.17 pm
bright lights, dark nights.
sweetness, love my dear.
that's why we're here.
here we are.
on this black starry night.
arms reaching into the depths
again and again
around we go.
it's all in our heads
so they say.
but here we'll stay.
2013 17 November :: 4.55 pm
i cant keep up
That's what it feels like sometimes, I can't keep up and all I want to do is give up. I have stopped trying to understand what triggers these feelings. I ride high for awhile and then come crashing down. Down and down until I'm stuck, looking up at the starry sky wishing I could get back out. Sometimes though, I like sitting here looking at the starry sky. There's beauty and safety in this place, it's dark and I'm alone and some days that's ok. Today it's okay that I'm there. I used to try and claw my way out thinking this bottomless pit was unacceptable. Until today, I stopped clawing and just learned to sit back and enjoy the stars.
I can't fix it all, this is part of me that I can't fix. Honestly, part of me doesn't want to fix this part of myself. Part of me likes it. Maybe that's twisted, maybe I'm not supposed to like the darkness. But with darkness there is always light. There is so much beauty in the darkness. Beauty in the breakdown, in the suffering. I want to breath and to feel and in order to do that I have to feel all parts of myself. Even the numb, angry and dark parts. I have to venture down that rabbit hole to become a better version of myself, to find my strength but also to find my peace. Sometimes the road gets tough and I don't know why. But that's okay. I am okay. Maybe not at this specific moment but tomorrow I'll be okay. Or the next day. It doesn't have to be right now.
I've been thinking about a lot of heavy things lately trying to make sense of who I am as a person. My dad has come up in my thoughts lately, especially since I recently just ended a relationship with a man who was like him in so many ways. It feels like salt is being rubbed in that wound. I try and put on a strong face and say it's okay but it's not. I hurt. I haven't let it all go. I've only pushed it away so I wouldn't have to deal with it because it hurts so much. I miss him. Part of me misses and still loves my father and part of me wants to fix what happened. The other part of me wants him dead so I don't have to think about it anymore. Am I allowed to feel both? I want to be a good hearted person and say I've forgiven him but I don't think I have. He tore our family apart, he tore me apart. How do you forgive someone who has done that to a person? I want to but part of me is too scared and hurt. What does forgiveness even mean? When I was going to church I forgave him but recently I haven't felt that way. Maybe once I forgive myself, I can find salvation in that. Forgiving myself and my imperfections.
All I know is as I sit here and look at the stars I remind myself it'll be okay. In the end, no matter how much darkness there is, the stars always shine.
2013 6 October :: 3.43 pm
walking around the entire pond.
I have neglected half of my pond, I have looked at it's weed ridden paths, it's rough gravel walkways and turned the other way. Ignoring it, as if it's not there. Every time I walk through myself, I walk on the beautiful side of the pond, only looking ahead and when the ugly appears, I turn around and walk back. Wanting to stay on the side of beauty, wanting to ignore the ugliness, the hurt, the pain.
But what if from now on, I walked all the way around the pond and in the midst of the ugly, could look across the pond and still see the beauty? See it from another perspective.
Everyone of us has a shadow, something within ourselves that we don't allow to get out. It's always lurking there and every time it appears, it gets repressed, reprimanded for being there. But what if for once instead of turning our shadow away when it knocked on the door of our soul, we let it in? Invited it to dine with us? Sat and talked with it?
There's part of myself that I get frustrated with every time it appears. It's this depressed, anxious, fearful monster that tends to appear every weekend. And sometimes throughout the week. Mainly I think the weekends though. And I try so hard to repress it down but lately I've just been allowing it to come, allowing to feel sad and anxious and trying to sit with it. Ponder it, explore it's inner workings so I know it. So I know me. Because this is part of me that isn't going away, no matter how hard I try. Next time it knocks, maybe I can invite it in and tell it to wait until I'm back in time for dinner, then we can talk.
What am I afraid of? What in life paralyzes me so badly I can't function? I am afraid of relationships, I am afraid of getting close to people. I am afraid I'm not good enough. I am afraid of pain. I am afraid of aggressiveness. I am afraid of confrontation. I am just afraid. It's not little Kalie anymore who is afraid. It's this shadow that is here. The shadow is fear itself.
All of this stems from my childhood and I am trying so hard to not blame what happened then on my behavior now. I guess there is a difference between blame and acceptance. I accept what happened to me and now I need to work on getting over it.
I'm afraid of being alone. Of being left. Of not being loved by a man. So I hold onto a relationship that isn't serving me out of fear. I hold onto old habits, out of fear.
I am afraid to live my life the way I want it. I'm afraid I'll be a disappointment. But the only disappointment I'm being is to myself and that's not okay.
2013 28 September :: 8.16 pm
The only thing I feel like doing right now is writing, which is weird for me. Because I don't usually write. I just think and mull and think and ponder, never put the thoughts down on paper. But right now, I am inspired, even if it's just to ramble.
I've been giving a lot of thought to trying to better understand myself as a human being. I want to know my inner workings, what makes me happy, what makes me upset, how to deal with my own thoughts, how to create an environment I can flourish in. Basically I want to be a better version of myself. The best version of myself I can be, I want to be it right now. It's a process, discovering what makes me, me. I learned today that I do best with few earthly possessions. I just need what I need to survive and not much fluff. Having too many "things" seriously overwhelms me, a lot. For example, in the morning when I'm getting ready for work or school or what not, having too many clothing options makes me nervous/anxious and I spend copious amounts of extra time trying on different outfits. Only to decide on what I already had on in the first place. Granted, I know there is some self-confidence piece to this puzzle too. But the sheer amount of options makes me feel as I said, overwhelmed. I start to feel bad if I don't wear my clothes, as if they have feelings and they are hurt that I'm choosing that shirt over this one.
I am trying to bring myself to be free of worldly attachments. There is something to be said for people who have achieved this. The great old US of A and probably parts of Europe also has this notion that if you don't have the best car, phone, laptop, house, etc, you aren't a happy person. We judge one another by material wealth, we judge our society by material wealth. Don't tell me you have never gone out somewhere and looked at some one and thought "Hey, they have a Lululemon jacket, they must be rich!" My point exactly. Material wealth is fleeting. It all breaks and falls apart sometime. I was reminded of this when my favorite pair of pants ripped in the crotch. At work of course. (Because that's always when that stuff happens, when you're out in public.) And I keep toying with the idea of getting a new pair but I finally convinced myself I have four other pairs of pants to wear, which is plenty for a five day work week. Will I really benefit my own personal growth by getting a new pair of pants? Probably not.
That's where I'm trying to go now. Personal growth. Not wardrobe growth, not bank account growth. Personal growth.
Because in the end, when the pants rip and the money is gone. I will still be here.
It's hard to not want things, items when all the media is screaming at you, BUY THIS! YOU NEED THIS! Remember how I said I get overwhelmed when I have too many clothes?
Imagine how overwhelmed I get when I have huge influxes of information flooding my brain.
It's not a pretty picture, I can tell you that much. It makes me want to scream and rip my hair out.
Which is weird because I hunger for knowledge and want to always know more but the more I know the more I feel like I want to bang my head against the wall.
It's a challenge being an introvert.
The beautiful thing about being human is that I can choose to not take part in societies rambles and information over-load. I can say no to buying clothes, to having the latest phone, the latest computer, the latest running gadget.
I can say no to all of that and just be free. I have that power.
Speaking of power, I think that scares me, being in control. For my whole life I was under the control of another person. I was emotionally abused. I was bullied. All of these things happened that made me the victim. And I've been treating myself as the victim. The damsel in distress. I need to realize that I have control over certain parts of my life. Not everything mind you but my thoughts and emotions and reactions. I can control those and not let them spin out of control.
One of my favorite blogs to read is the Bloggess. Jenny Lawson is as real as it gets when it comes to talking about depression and anxiety. One of her famous quotes is "depression lies" and it does! It makes me feel like I don't have control when I really do. I can choose. And that is still a power that I am coming to terms with using.
I feel like a superhero who has just acquired a new power. It's still mysterious to me and still a little scary to use but slowly, I'm being to use it and slowly I am taking back my thoughts and my emotions. I am taking back me.
2013 28 September :: 8.04 pm
silence, it fills the room.
darkness all around.
she opens her eyes looking.
the clock says 4.
rolling over she sighs.
it's cold and dark out there.
warm and comforting in here.
there are shadows lurking.
shadows of her former self.
who she was.
that fat girl is chasing her.
imagination running wild.
she thinks for a moment.
wanting to give in.
give into the warmth of the bed.
the coolness of the shadows hands.
she can't give in.
the sun begins to rise.
pale pink and orange over the horizon.
the shadows begin to fade.
in favor of color and brightness.
it's okay she whispers quietly.
i made it through another day.
the shadows leave her.
their long arms untangle from her thoughts.
2013 28 September :: 3.45 pm
you're here. there. everywhere.
My psychologist basically told me I wasn't accepting help. Or that maybe I was and just wasn't ready to dive into the problems and face them like I should. I'm afraid of pain for some reason, even though I shouldn't be. Pain to me is something I should embrace and learn to grow from, not cower away from.
I am constantly afraid, constantly afraid to better myself. It's like I fear a better version of myself. I fear that I'll be leaving my family behind and not be my mother's or father's daughter. But that's okay right? I don't have to keep on with family traditions. I can be my own person.
There's always this push and pull within myself, like I want to make myself better but I want to do it tomorrow. Tomorrow never comes though so I'll never be a better person unless I start now, now now now.
Why is this so hard??