It doesn't matter if I'm holding one or looking at a picture, when a baby looks at me I have this strong desire to safely grab it and hold it to my body and encase it in my arms and just love and protect it. At times I feel like I wouldn't be a good mother or I'd regret all of the time and energy it would take, but this instinct tells me that is not true. Every time I'm with Xander I want to shower him in kisses and affection. I want to make sure he's cared for properly and not ignored or pumped full of sugar by his parents. I want to have a child so badly. I want to love someone so completely that my life finally makes sense. It definitely would be easier with the right partner but honestly, I could do it all on my own. I could. I will.
Anna is always going to be my friend. She is always there for me. She may hurt my feelings sometimes unintentionally, but I know she would never do it with any malice. She always makes the effort to text when I'm away or see me when I'm home. She is fine going out or staying in or spending money or doing whatever, so long as it's with me. She only wants the best for me. She only wants my happiness.
She is what friendship means to me. I have been very fortunate to have her in my life. Best friends, the people you really want to love, will sometimes disagree with you and get into arguments with you, but they will always be there at the end of the day, in your corner, cheering you on. I have 6 of those. But she's that for me, most of all.
The storm is far from passing. The rain beats down. The wind howls. The cold bites at exposed skin. The elements are unforgiving. My poncho blew away a long time ago.
Can't sleep.
Awake at 4am. Mind got rolling on the idea of what I would tell people and do differently if I went back through my own timeline. Probably 4th grade is when I would start. I would tell my parents about the life events, the tragedies in the world, the stocks to buy. I would warn my friends of the dangers coming to them. I would avoid certain people and embrace others ahead of when I actually met them. I would tell Skyler and Jed not to kill himselves. I would tell Mike and my brother to get their health in order. I would gain more education, go to a better school, live a healthier life with more experiences. I wish.
Shame is a useless emotion. It doesn't make us humble, it creates guilt. And I refuse to entertain it any longer. A healthy level of shamelessness is exactly what I need.