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:: 2008 28 October :: 3.42 am
:: Music: Ára Bátur - Sigur Rós

The Thanksgiving Dinner Plate Kind of Full
Life is a rollercoaster. That's what they say, reader, and between you and me, They say a lot. But they say it. They say it all the time. Life is a rollercoaster, kid/chum/mate/darling/honey/son." They also say, "It has its ups and downs." And they advise to not to "Put too much stuff on your plate."

Well my plate's full, reader. Chock full. We're at a buffet, on the day after Ramadan, and holy hell I'm going to eat the entire thing full. Fashion icon who just got fired because she's too old so who the fuck cares if I'm fat anymore, I'm not going to be on the front cover of a magazine even if I tried, so get the fuck outta my way because I am about to stampede the nearest frigerator full. My plate is that kind of full, reader.

Now don't get me wrong. You may know of my skinny demeanour. You may know of my slim physique. But don't place undue judgment on my eating habits, reader. I'm quite the piggy individual. I can eat my way through quite a lot on my plate. Food is a pleasure; food is a joy; I love to savour food; and I enjoy a good, hardy meal set before me. But I know my limits. I know when I simply can't have that side of beans, and I know when I've snacked on one too many quessadillas, and I know as much as I love all those cookies, I should probably stop. I know how full my plate should be. And I know when my plate is too full. And dear reader, my plate is WAY too full.

I'm moving. Blah blah blah, blah blah, blah blah blah. You know that by now. I'm moving. That's not news - that's not timely at all, Chris - what the hell are you bringing that up for again? Well... I'm moving. Simply put, I am uprooting, transplanting, and hopefully thriving in a new ecosystem. Simplistic as it seems, I seem to be in a rut. I had hoped to make this move as quick and painless as possible. The biggest problem with people and moving is that they take their damn sweet time. If they just bit their lips and got the hard work over with, they'd be in a new house and there would be no complaints. Well, my mom is for that old way of thinking... the old, "Well, I have a busy life, and we have to move - not moving is not an option - but I'm simply too lazy and tired to get work done." And thus, we have not moved out yet.

Remodeling is tough, I admit. I've mentioned before that the exterior stairs leading to my future upstairs apartment-esque home are in dire need of repair, and that the interior's floors need sanded. We need to fix the plumbing, get rid of some wasps, and move everything in. 25% of this has been accomplished. We sanded... HUZZAH. It took a day, thankfully, and we're done; we still have to buy some wood flooring, but that will be painless, and they're easy to install. My mom... has not called the plumber, so the plumbing is not done. My mom says, "Don't worry about the wasps... they'll die." So the wasps are still there. The stairs are still in complete disrepair, and we can't move any heavy objects up them until they are stable to walk on. No carpenters are being spoken to. Thus, the stairs remain there, in disrepair. It's hard enough as it is to leave my lifelong house. But dragging the process out is stressful, long, arduous, and painful. I hate it. I burdens me.

School is school. I don't care if I was talented enough to make A's in all of my subjects, I will always struggle with school. School and I, well, we're not compatible. We have a bad relationship together. People gossip all the time about school and I. I've always been a C-B average student. Nothing has ever changed. My classes are fun, but tough. And they're made tougher because of the commitments I have to fill with remodeling the house. This is tough, and I have no reason to whine, because everyone deals with school. But remember, we're filling a plate with tasty piles of life. This is just one of them.

I've been at TCC for almost three years now. As fine and dandy as that is, I'm faced with the fact (as I have been for the past almost three years) it's a sucky school. Well, it's time to transfer, finally! I have recently put my application into UTA. The essay was hard to write, so that was stressful, the application itself was stressful, I need to figure out if I'll have financial aid when attending, so that's stressful, I have to figure that out before November 1st, which is REALLY stressful, I have to PRAY that the school even accepts me into their institution and that is VERY stressful, and I have to do this while my plate is quite full already. That's stressful. But moving on...

Troisièmement: Work. Work is as work does. I love my job. But that doesn't make it any more or less stressful. It's hard to deal with kids. It's hard to take care of 20 seperate human beings on a regular basis, sometimes 40 if another teacher isn't around. And as if that wasn't hard enough, I'm expected to make their life a little more fun and entertaining. I love doing it, but it's exhausting. The stress evens itself out, in the end, but this added stress doesn't help when you consider...

Number four. Disease. Reader, bear with me, if this seems convoluted and in a poor order. I am sick. Don't fret, my dearies, nothing serious. A bout of the common cold ails me. No biggie, right? Just have a lot of soup, get a lot of sleep, and you'll be better in no time, right? Apparently not anymore. I got sick almost a month ago with a cold. It got better in a few days... only to come back... so I treated it again, and it went away... and came back! So, once more, I tirelessly tried to make myself better. And I was better... until I got sick AGAIN. Thrice has this cold come back to haunt me. It's the sniffles, and it's the low energy, and it's the coughs, and the fevers, and the soar throats. And this effects my school work, and my work work. I can't think straight when taking midterm tests when I have fevers, and I can't lecture to a cafeteria of 70 kids with a soar throat. I fear my immune system has given up hope on me... but I believe I found the culprit. There is a sneakthief in the night, sapping my poor immune system of hope...

Weight. Metaphors aside, folks, we all need food to eat. I've been a vegetarian for... well, I forget now, a couple months or so. But it's great! I feel much healthier than I did before. I've learned how to taste much more minute flavours that I simply didn't taste before. It's a joy to not eat animals. But when I first got sick, it didn't matter if I ate meat or vegetables, because I lost my appetite, as it happens with colds. I lost six pounds before getting well that first week. I'm already underweight... I was 106 lbs. Now I'm 100. That's about 20-25 lbs. underweight for my age/height bracket. Being underweight is not healthy, and I know this. But I seem to have dipped sufficiently low enough to make my immune system ineffective. Before this drop in weight, I had the strongest immune system alive - I only would get sick with a cold once a year - now three times in one month. I believe I've lost too much weight. But stress is a good way to lose weight, and I'm plenty stressed. I also don't have time to eat at times. On school days, I go to school early in the day, with no time for a decent breakfast, and leave with only 30 minutes to get to work - not enough time for a hefty meal. I find time to eat SOMETHING, honestly, but I need more... I need time to slowly take in food, and I simply don't have any way to do that. I have no time because we're busy trying to remodel, or busy with other life facets, or I'm busy with school, or I'm busy at work. And I have a notoriously, naturally intense metabolism anyway. So it's hard for me to put on weight. And that's not the end of this sad tale...

Friendships. Beautiful, aren't they? Turn to your friends for comfort, and socialization, and celebration. Unfortunately, I'm not so lucky. Firstly, like Leslie and I have discussed, we don't have many friends. I have my sister, Leslie. I love her. Sadly, we don't see each other as often as I wish we could. She's busy with school, and I'm busy with life, and I never know when she would like to hang out. This is mostly my fault, but alas, it is at present, the way it is (though I earnestly wish to change this!). Amie is a grand friend 'o mine. I care for her deeply. But she's a busy gal. Girl scouts, senior year, friends, life, applying to colleges, getting accepted to colleges, scholarships, boys, life, and band, band, band, band. She has simply been busy ever since band began in summer. I have become very distanced from her over this time. Thankfully, band is now over (for now), and she will have more time for me (hopefully). I have also told her that our friendship was teetering, and I'm proud to say that she has been doing an astronomical job of setting things straight; between talking to me, in both meaningful and wasteful conversation, and showing me she is making an honest effort toward our friendship, she is beginning to convince me she wants our friendship as much as I do. But between issues over the summer, issues of our present day, and issues in the past, it's definitely not a walk in the park right now for Amie and I.

Then my other friends. O ye, BHC, how shall I speak to thee? Ara, Mary, Christina, and all associated characters. They're fun folks, and I'm glad to have their friendship. But because of band, once again, I feel very distanced from them. I feel very disconnected from the people I call friends, and I feel like there's not a terrible lot left to base a friendship off of. Maybe I'm overthinking, because we all know I'm skilled at that. But I miss them very much, and I see none of them making an effort to do anything about it. I feel like my friendship with them was very disposable. They're busy, I know, and I respect that. Hell, I cheer them on for good luck. But I don't feel like they're cheering for me... I don't feel like they even think about me half the time. And I know they hang out with each other. I know they spend evenings together, smiling, laughing, and having a wonderful time. So they're hanging out when they have spare time, and I'm not with them. And that's hard to deal with seeing all my friends together, happy, and my not being able to join in (maybe that's selfish... but everyone is entitled to be a little selfish, right?). I feel completely out of touch. I feel like a very pointless antique on a shelf that never gets dusted in these friendships. I feel expendable, and I don't see any effort on anyone's part to show me otherwise. I also know some past friends are less than reliable... So I am a poser, eh? So you think I'm kind of dumb, eh? So you think I'm a creep, eh? So you think I'm an idiot, eh? I see where our friendships stand. Between not seeing my best friends, not seeing my regular friends, not feeling like my regular friends really care about being my friend in the first place, and finding out friends aren't really friends... well, it's just a stressful situation.

What would taste good with a side of neglected friendship, or distance from those you care for? Why, a big heaping bowl of loneliness. Yes, dear reader, I whine about it often. But I'm lonely once more. I recently hung out with Leslie and Matt. We went to see Saw V, which was horrible, but we laughed our way through it. We spied on people, and then adventured in Walmart. I loved it. But that was the first time I had hung out with anyone in well over a month. Sure, I saw Amie a couple times, but not for a fair "hang out" - never for long enough. The last time I honestly hung out was blabbing with Jayne in the park over pizza about life. That was a LONG time ago. I miss my friends. I miss my best friends. But dammit, I just MISS being around someone. I miss being somewhere where I am understood. I wish I could be around PEOPLE. I wish I could SPEAK. I wish I could go to parties. I wish I could go to dinners. I wish I could just bloody sit with someone in their living room... not even doing anything with them... just being in their company. Just being able to say, "Well... I'm kinda bored," to someone instead of asking the nearest wall. But for whatever reason, socialization and I don't meet up much. Our dates are few and far between.

And what else, Chris, you beg, reader, what else, what other possible thing could be so wrong?! Well... life. I started this off with a metaphor about plates of food. The plate is my life, and the food is my issues. And man, if you look at these issues of mine, my plate's FULL. And that's yet another problem on my plate. I am stressed, and thus, I'm more stressed out. Stress is stressful, as silly as that sounds. I am TIRED of feeling stressed; I'm tired of feeling like I'm just going along with life, and dragging the corpse of my passionate body and soul behind me as I try to just take another step for... whatever reason I'm walking in the first place. I hate being this busy, I hate being this lonely, I hate not seeing Leslie and Amie, I hate not feeling close to my friends, I hate not having control over my health, I hate that my weight even has anything to do with my health, I hate that we can't just move and get it over with. I hate, I hate, I hate. I hate this stress. And so, I'm stressed, and that's another tasty treat on my plate.

Oh me, oh my, what ever shall I do, reader? I don't know. I'm lost. I know when my plate is too full, reader, and this is too full. I'm doing my best, but even my best will never be good enough. Not now. Not when I have bit more than I can chew. I'm not stupid - I know my capabilities. I can not handle this. But I can't stop. I have to keep on truckin', as some hats have told me. I feel out of touch with my best friends, don't feel like I have regular friends anymore, feel stressed at work because I'm sick, which is affecting my already stressful school life, which is adding more stress for when I work stressfully with remodelling my new house, which means I'm not moving, adding more stress, making me less likely to gain weight, making me more sick, which means I'm so sick I can't hang out with friends........... you get the picture.

I'm exhausted. I can't do this. I need relief. I need one problem to start making sense soon. I can't keep up this juggling process. I simply am not that strong, and I freely admit that. I need help, dear reader. I don't know who can help me set my life back on track, but they are a saint. If one, maybe two of these problems made sense, my life would return to normal, because I could handle the rest in a timely fashion. But I am helplessly stuck until divine intervention rescues me from this endless stream of life that leaves me without solace.

You know what I do for stress relief, reader? I write. Writing is great for stress relief. But look at the time... it's 3:00 in the morning. I should be thoroughly asleep, yet I'm trying to manage my stress. Without sleep, I'll get sicker, but without relieving stress, I'll be so stressed I'll just get more sick. Juggling, reader, just like I said. One good thing equals another bad thing, but this is all I can do to subsist - this is my only option left to sustain myself - to balance my problems one at a time, and recycle old problems when I can't handle new ones. And do you want to know the sad truth in my form a stress relief? If I get too stressed, or if a problem, like a breakup, or an argument, or a cold comes along when I'm trying to relax... when I'm trying to lose stress... I can't write. I get writer's block, and simply can't write. I lose the inspiration, and thus, the ability to relieve myself of stress.

Rollercoaster, kid. It's wild, it's crazy, but that's life. This is life, and I'm in the middle of juggling it. And I hate juggling. Juggling's not fun at all. It's cool when the jugglers at the carnival do it, but I'm in my bedroom, and I'm no juggler. I'm not good at this. I need help. Juggle with me, reader. Help me, reader. I don't like asking for help. I don't like asking for loans, or handouts, or aid, or assistance, or anything. I don't like asking when I don't absolutely need something. Well, I absolutely need something. I need help, reader. Whoever you are, I implore you to try and help me. Talk to me. Ask me how I'm doing. Hold a conversation with me. Let me whine about my problems to you. Tell me a story. Cheer me up. Whatever, reader, whatever you can. It's appreciated... your help is appreciated, reader. Help me, reader. Help me.

wish upon a star

:: 2008 10 October :: 2.03 am
:: Mood: indescribable
:: Music: Once More For The Afterlife - Explosions In The Sky

Anthems for an Eleven Year Old
Things at work have been going well. Basically, we have four different groups of 15 or so kids, organized by colour. Mine is blue (ironically, my favourite colour!). Then there are purple, red, and green. We rotate the groups into different activities every week, trading them between the teachers. I'm in charge of doing speed stacking, which is basically stacking cups... long story, hahaha.

Anyway, this is the last rotation for the types of activities we've been doing over the last month. I had my group first, then red, followed by purple, and this week, green. Green group are the fifth graders. They think they're so cool; they're mostly the "popular" crowd in the after school, made of the football players, tough kids, and diva girls, with a few odd kids out and fourth graders. Two of the sweeties (and some of my favourite kids from last year (Lesley and Maritza)) are in that group. But I digress.

So, there's this boy named Jacob, who is kinda notorious throughout the school. He has some intense ADHD, and I have a feeling he might be bi-polar. He is basically, just SUPER weird, and dorky, and just acts out a lot. The kids pick on him a lot, and as much as you try to stop it, there's not much you can really do, y'know? What gets me about him, is that as annoying as he is to us teachers... I relate to him... I was really awkward and weird when I was his age. Maybe not as obnoxious, but... definitely outcasted from the other kids.

Well the tough kids were making jokes about him, and there was nothing much I could do to get them to stop. Finally, they said something - I didn't hear what - that was just too much for Jacob to handle. He rushed out of the room. I can't let my kids just run off, so I got the others working on an activity, and hurried after him.

He went to the cafeteria, and just laid his head down upset, and like he was going to cry. I tried to comfort him, and see what was really bugging him. "They just... they all make fun of me... all the time," he finally told me. "They call me stupid, and dumb, and weird, and I hate it... Why do they do that?"

How does anyone answer that? There are no right answers... But I did what felt natural to me. "You know, when I was your age, kids made fun of me all the time. They called me the weird kid too." There was a cup by me, which I put on my head, while showing him my bracelets and that shoelace of yours, "The type of weirdo who wears Pokemon cards as necklaces, shoelaces on my arm, and puts cups on his head."

He laughed, and I kept talking. "Even the kids in after school say I'm really weird. Do you think I'm weird?" He laughed again, and nodded. "Well guess what," I said, "I love being weird. Normal is boring. And there's nothing wrong with being weird. If those dumb kids in there say you're weird, they just don't get how cool you really are." We talked for another minute or so, and then now that he was comforted, went back to join the others.

Things were alright for awhile. The kids made some mean jokes at his expense, as expected, but he didn't let it get to him. Which was a relief. But I noticed one of the girls, named Brianna, in the corner. She definitely didn't look happy, and she's quite the happy girl; she wasn't playing with the rest of the class, and looked morose. I asked her if anything was wrong, and she nodded yes, but didn't want to talk about it. I minded the class for a little longer, but after she didn't join in, I went to see what was wrong again.

"How are you feeling?" I asked. "You sure you don't want to talk about it?"

"It's just..." she said very suddenly, "They just make fun of Jacob all the time. They say mean things about him, and I just want to be his friend..." She then went on to explain how she thought Jacob was pretty cool, even though he was weird. She wanted to be his friend, but was worried about what the popular crowd would think. She hated that the others made fun of Jacob, and how she felt kind of helpless on how to actually do anything positive in this situation.

How does anyone answer that? It's another infinite question, with no right answers. I felt her pain... that's such a hard position to be in. I felt bad for having thought Jacob was such a pain before today, and how out of everyone - the other teachers, students, and myself included - had blown Jacob off as just a strange child, when this little girl wanted nothing more for HIM to be accepted by everyone, and for him to be her friend. How cruel the rest of us were! It took all it had in me not to cry (which I'm doing now).

But I stayed strong for Brianna, who was already crying for the both of us. "They're... they're just dumb kids, y'know?" I tried to explain. "They're mean, and dumb, and Jacob is really unique. And they just don't get him. But you do! If you want to be his friend, you should try! I bet that if you start to get to know him, those dumb kids will start getting jealous, and want to know him more too. And if they think you're weird... well, to bad for them. Cause you've got a new friend to be weird and cool with."

She cried, but seemed to be feeling a little better. I wiped one of her tears away, and just kept her company a little longer, before bringing her back to an open space where we could play. I asked Jacob to join us, and he happily did. No sooner did I invite Jacob, did those sweeties I mentioned - Lesley and Maritza - wanted to join. Even one of the popular ones, Maira, got jealous of the group we mustered, and she joined too. We sat together in a circle and played together.

I don't know what any of this means. Maybe it just doesn't have meaning. It's just so... weird to see these kids, who are still so young, dealing with problems that I - as a young adult - still could never ever figure out no matter how hard I tried. These are adult problems, and these kids are having to face them head on. It's so weird to see them so sad and upset over issues that make me so sad and upset. It shows me how alike I am to these little children, and how alike they are to me, even though we're 10 years of life apart.

I have so much respect for Brianna now. And much more for Jacob than I did, even though he's still a total pain in the ass, haha. It just makes me so sad to see these kids hurting so bad... and makes me mad at the dumb kids who do this for no reason, and happy that I can try to help out. I'm still crying, and I'm not even really sure why... It just makes me think of my childhood, and about when my dog died, and how painful being weird can be, and how complicated life is, and how sad it is to see this happen, but so happy that Jacob can see that me, his teacher - someone who he respects and admires - has been where he is today. That someone so kind-hearted like Brianna is there for him, at a time when nobody else is. And it reminds me of Leslie, because she was there for me at a time when I really didn't have any other friends. And it's all so confusing, but it just makes hate and love life all at once, and makes me cry and smile at the same time, and makes me really see how ugly and beautiful our crazy lives can be.

Hahah, I'm still crying. But that's my story of what happened today. And I don't know if there is any real point, reader. Maybe this is life in all its permutations; life in its true, unfiltered, unadulterated, unbiased form. Maybe this is a case of some overactive people. Maybe this is what growing up is or feels like, for Brianna and Jacob, and for me. Maybe this was a change of inter-related events that we'll all forget about. Or maybe this is a moment that we'll all remember vaguely when they're 21 and I'm 31. Maybe this was training for me, so I know how to say the same thing to my kids. Maybe this is the story I'll never be able to truly articulate, because there are far too many emotions to even confine to a work of fiction. Maybe this is something that shouldn't be spoken of, because it's too powerful, too emotions, and too precious to part with. Maybe everyone should see and read this, and love and hate life, and feel exactly as I do. I really don't know, reader. But I do know that today is life altering. I do know, reader, that a couple eleven year old kids changed my life in twenty minutes. I don't know reader, but I do know that.

wish upon a star

:: 2008 19 September :: 2.58 am
:: Mood: contemplative
:: Music: Train Under Water - Bright Eyes

Here's To Hoping (An Honest Effort)
I believe in global warming.

This is not about my belief in global warming. I could argue all the live long day on why I, an amateur environmentalist with no formal education and little understanding for the inner workings of this strange planet we live on, believes in global warming. I'd rather not waste anyone's time, including my own.

This is not about my belief in being as sustainable and environmentally friendly as possible, either. I could argue all the live long day on why I, a vegetarian for over a month, whom recycles everything he can, is wanting to institute a more intensive recycling program at his current job, and whom thinks about the planet before himself in the little things he does, believes in being environmentally friendly. I'd rather not waste anyone's time, including my own.

This is about why everyone else should be environmentally friendly as well.

Firstly, I sincerely understand if your political, economic, moral, ethical, religious, scientific, or human stance has you of the opinion that global warming is not real, and that we - as a society - have nothing to concern ourselves about. I really do understand; global warming is a big concept, and it takes a lot to wrap ones entire mindset around. Secondly, I understand if you simply don't want to be concerned about the environment. That's a perfectly justified opinion; there are thousand upon thousands of things to worry about on this cluttered planet of ours, and if you'd rather worry about blogs, or cars, or jewelery before worrying about the environment, that's a reasonable and fair attitude, seeing as we should all be free to decide for ourselves. Finally, I totally understand if you disagree with any or everything I say. These are my views, not your own, and you are perfectly capable of making decisions of your own accord. I understand, I understand, I understand.

But here is my arguement:

I believe that everyone on this planet should do whatever they can to be as environmentally friendly as possible. From my perspective, it isn't that hard. I recycle what I can. I don't use water excessively if I have the choice. I buy products that are beneficial in the long run to the environment. I am vegetarian, and thus benefit the environment in ways that I can make a long list on. This isn't that hard; it requires effort, but not much, and it's easy to forget the effort you put in when the effort becomes force of habit.

But I'm saddened with the state of the world. I know I eat meatless meals. I know I drive 55mph on the highway to conserve gas. I know I turn electronics off when I leave the room. I know I recycle everything that I know is recyclable. I know I compost. I know I have my faults, but I admit to them. I know this.

But I know that for every meatless meal I eat, someone scarfs down a couple Baconators. I know that while I drive 55mphs in the far right lane, someone is careening on the far left near 90mphs. I know for every light I turn off, someone has their air conditioning set at 60 degrees, and lets their TV sing them to sleep. I know that for every bottle or can I recycle, someone is dumping three Starbucks plastic cups per day in the trash. I know that for every apple core I throw dirt over in the compost pile, some people haven't the faintest idea what the purpose of a compost is. I know that I have faults, and for every fault, there is someone who is more faulty in the same respect, tenfold.

I know this. And I know that none of this should be true.

Here is our world. Our world is all around us, and we know it. It's full of lions, and clouds, and black politicians, and Cartoon Networks, and personal computers, and Canadians, and Febreeze, and Pokémon, and mobiles, and Livejournals, and Muslims, and The Sims, and lava lamps, and Kleenex, and Sisterhoods of Traveling Pants, and best friends, and Netflix, and English muffins. Take it or leave it, our world is full of stuff. One of these things MIGHT be global warming.

Let's dissect the problem briefly. If, on the off chance, global warming is real, what happens? Well, the predictions say, sometime within the next 20-30-70 years, the Earth's temperature will drop by two degrees Celsius. This, theoretically, will disrupt everything ecological we have thus learned about our planet. Soon after this cooling will happen - whenever that might be - the world will heat up exponentially. The ice caps will melt, New York, Amsterdam, and San Francisco will be underwater, there will be a mass loss of life throughout the world, millions - if not billions - of people will be displaced from their homes, subsequently being forced into third world countries from their modern homes, and everything we know about contemporary living will cease.

Basically, bluntly, that's the general idea.
But why don't we band together? Why don't we try to save the planet however we can manage it? Why can't we open our minds to a new way of thinking. I have heard the arguments before: "Going green is too expensive," or "It's not practical to go green," or "I have been living this way my whole life; why should I change?" or "I won't be able to make any sort of sustainable impact."

These are all fair arguments, though I personally disagree with some of them. But the last one is not a fair argument. "I won't be able to make any sort of sustainable impact." Wrong. False. Incorrect. The Earth, and saving it, is a democratic decision. I'm not talking politics, reader, I'm talking frankness. If we try, something will happen. Hopefully it's good, but regardless, we will have an impact. There was once a man whom was much wiser than me and thus, I probably have no right to quote him, but I will anyway. That same man was once supposedly struck in the head with an apple, or so I have read. He said, "For every action, there is an equal or opposite reaction." His name was Newton or something.

These are the possible futures of our planet:

1) Global warming is real, and is relevant. We all, as an international society and community, band together to try and live the most sustainable lives we possibly can. Our combined efforts, small by themselves, but large as a whole, circumvent the problems caused by global warming. We subsequently are a planet of people who care about the planet we live on, realize we have the ability to preserve this beautiful planet, honestly made a difference for us and for future generations, and we were successful in building an environmentally friendly, new society. This is a happy ending.

2) Global warming is real, and is relevant. But we don't band together enough, and we aren't successful in becoming an internationally environmentally friendly world. We can't agree, we bicker and fight, and nothing is implemented. As a consequence, the predictions all come true, we have ruined our lives and our world indefinitely for the conceivable future, have been successfully thrown back into the dark ages, are in the throws of desperation, crisis, and poverty on a level never before seen, and our society as we know it is forever doomed, and forever changed, as we're forced to evolve to the changing world that evolves around us. This is an unhappy ending.

3) Global warming isn't real, and isn't relevant. It was just a lot of wackos blathering all day and night about nothing. But we took the steps to become an environmentally sustainable world. We united, became more self-sufficient, and became more reliant on renewable resources rather than non-renewable resources. Nothing bad happened, but we benefited due to our efforts of toward prevention and conservation. This is a happy ending.

This is a happy ending. That's my point: there is no reason NOT to do your best to help this planet out. Honestly, how much effort does it take to screw in a CFL bulb rather than a conventional lightbulb? How much effort does it take to turn off electronics when we aren't using them anyway? How much effort does it take to eat one to three less meatless meals per week, which has been scientifically and anatomically proven to be a positive, healthy step for not only the planet, but our bodies and health as well. How hard is it to throw that can or bottle, or that glass, or paper, into the recycling? How hard is it to throw any organic material outside instead of in the trash to be absorbed by the earth? How hard is it to take your coffee grounds, and put them in a flower bed, giving you a gorgeous garden?

Are there things we can do that are much more difficult to do, that will help the environment more than all these little things? Absolutely. We could use geothermal heating, or solar energy to power our homes and take them off the electrical grid entirely. We could insulate our houses tight as a drum, so our homes are extremely efficient, fiscally and ecologically. We could become vegan, a step further than my vegetarian self, and only eat organic foods. Can we do these things? Yes. Are they weird, expensive, and difficult to implement? Yes. But the benefits are insurmountable.

I understand if you don't believe in global warming. But why wouldn't you want to recycle even if global warming isn't real? Why wouldn't you want to eat healthy, even if global warming isn't real? Why would you want to waste energy that you aren't using, even if global warming isn't real? Why wouldn't you want to save thousands of dollars over time, even if global warming isn't real? Why wouldn't you want to keep tons of reusable trash out of our landfills, even if global warming isn't real? Why not?

If I, and all the scientists out there that agree that global warming is real, are completely and totally wrong, and global warming was not real at all, do you know what will have happened? We will have improved our world's living conditions for everyone. We just did so by accident. We will have beneficially contributed to the world around us which we didn't even need to worry about in the first place. We will have positively contributed to a positive outcome. We will have made our world a better place to live, for us, and for the people who would rather drive a Hummer around a high school, sub-woofers blaring gangsta rap, for an hour, or litters, or people who have never recycled in their life, or the people who didn't help. We will have changed their world for the better as well.

Being environmentally friendly isn't necessarily about trying to fix global warming. We may never be able to fix it. But why not try? Why not? Tell me why not if you disagree. If you honestly can come up with a REAL, justified reason why we shouldn't make positive steps for conservation of our planets resources, if not for global warming, then just to benefit our lives on this filthy planet - an opinion you can, yourself, justify with logical means and intelligent reasoning - I will give you a high five or something. If you don't think we should make our world a better, cleaner, nicer place to live in, I don't want to hear you complain about high gas prices. I don't want to hear you complain about that layer of smog that makes it impossible to see downtown some days. I don't want to hear you whine about how high your electric bill is. I don't want to hear you complain about how full your trash bin is.

I don't want to hear you complain about this world when you have the ability to help me change it.

Global warming is a theory. Meaning it could be incorrect. But making our planet more ecologically friendly is not a partisan issue (Republicans, Democrats, Socialists, and Anarchists can all benefit the environment). It is not a religious issue (Baptists, Catholics, Jews, and Pagans can all benefit the environment). It is not an issue of race, or nationality, because anyone, anywhere can help. It is not an issue of ability, because we all have the ability. It is an issue of how much you care about where you live.

I want to live in a clean world. I want to live in a world that is ethically sound, and naturally based, rather than plastic and contrived. I am not asking you to believe in global warming with me, reader; rather, I ask that you help me make our shared world a better place to live in. Please.

wish upon a star

:: 2008 11 September :: 2.53 am
:: Music: Neighbourhood #3 (Power Out) - The Arcade Fire

If I'm A Liar, That Makes The Two Of Us (Power Outages, Shadow Stars, and Puppy Dogs)
Climatic day, to say the least.
So I'll say only a little.

Last night, my mom, Trudy (our relative), and myself were hanging out in the living room around ten o'clock. I wanted to watch Stuff Happens before beddy bye. It was a fun episode about kitchens. I was happy watching it until there was a loud, immense, massive thump outside, and the power in my entire home was cut out.

Apparently, a huge, quite healthy tree branch decided to commit suicide, and it's carcass conveniently landed on the nearby power line. Not only did it snap some of the cable free from the connector-thingy on my house, but it literally began to rip the electricity metre away from the house; literally tugged on it, only holding on by the frame of the house and some dedicated screws from 50 years ago.

For those of you living in nice, comfortable, air-conditioned domiciles, let me set the scene: torrential rain all day, and North Texas weather. That means humid, muggy, and no wind at all. The house quickly turned into the oven, and though the temperature outside was pleasant-ish after the rains, it was by no means comfortable. Of course, we called the power company immediately. I went out into the street, near the curb, with a chair, some milk, and some Cheez-Its, and read Norwegian Wood by Haruki Murakami in the streetlamp light.

A truck showed up with two chatty repairmen. They did some repairs, but apparently the electrical lines snapped at them with dangerous sparks. An electrician needed to check the wires before they could do anything else, for risk of them shocking themselves to death. We were stuck without power.

I make it sound more dramatic than it actually was, but considering I was intending on having my Wednesday pretty chill, with thorough studying and possible Voilà! writing, this wasn't exactly following suit. I slept in my oven of a humid room. I woke up to the sound of my screen door and barks. Need I remind you, my dog died two months ago. Curious?

Trudy has been staying with us for the past week or so, off and on, as she's moving out of her/her dad's house. They always fight, so this is somewhat typical, honestly. Anyway,Trudy's friend/neighbour had a family of dogs: a mother and three puppies, all girls. Last night, before dark, one of the puppies died; apparently, the backyard had been sprayed with pesticide, and the dog was poisoned. Obviously, Trudy didn't want the other puppies to die. I'm not sure what happened to the mother, but the puppies were brought to our house.

They were adorable little black fuzz-balls, one mellowed out, the other full of energy; I lament not taking pictures. The owner wasn't contacting Trudy about retaking the puppies, so we were basically stuck with them; their mother was apparently already in the pound, and was preparing to shift over to the humane society.

The electrician came by mid-day, and fixed the electrical metre back to the side of the house. It was ready for a reconnection... which never came. We called our electrical company, naturally, and they told us a team would be here around 4. The puppies were picked up by animal control around then, and will hopefully find a lovely home via the humane society. I hope.

I was at work by now - I'm working once again - same job as last year, working at Richard Wilson Elementary in the After-school program. Many of the kids I worked with last year remain in the program; although they're just "students," to me, I've really bonded with some of them, and in a way, do consider them friends, albeit the obvious age difference, but who cares, eh? I'm happy to see my friends again, and as awesome as that was, they were happy to see me too! Talk about smiles!

Wednesday marked the third day of after-school, so we had already been in the swing of things for a couple days. One activity we had was baby-food eating. Basically, we line the kids up, have them close their eyes, and feed them gross baby food in front of everyone; the kids have to try to guess what they ate, and they get a prize if they guess right. Well, apparently the teachers (myself included) had to do it to. We got, "the worst one." Chicken with rice. Need I remind you, I'm still vegetarian. I won't count that as "eating meat," cause I didn't even have a whole spoonful, but I would lament what I did have later.

By the end of after-school, I was feeling oddly nauseas. By the time I got home, I was certainly not feeling good at all. I've been told that when you've had a mostly plant-based diet, meat really messes with your stomach, and I have to concur. I felt like throwing up, but didn't want to be bothered with it, so - pun intended - I stomached through it. The power wasn't on though, which dampened my moods. To make matters worse, the humidity made the house unbearably hot. Three hours AFTER the due date for the electrical company's predicted arrival, and my condition had worsened. Again, more dramatic, but I certainly didn't feel well at all. I still felt incredibly sick to my stomach, the heat was just disgusting, and on top of it all, I garnered a massive headache. I was EXHAUSTED, but couldn't sleep - I felt too crappy, and it was way too hot to even begin getting comfortable. I felt terrible. I went to my grandma's.

Maybe it was the conversation, maybe it was the relaxing on the couch for an hour and a half, or maybe I just let whatever was wrong with my body run it's course, but a cup of tea and an unpleasant power-nap later, I felt better. I returned home to a house full of power. I intend to do some thorough sleeping action soon. I don't want to go to work tomorrow, or school the following day, but I just want to finish out my week and pretend this whole incident never happened. I really hope a similar occurrence doesn't come with Hurricane Ike, which is supposedly going to make it this far north, but I'm knocking on wood for that one. *knocks*

General update, and then I'm gone, because my typing skills seem to be fading with the ticking clock.

-Still vegetarian! Today was the first time I had any sort of meat at all (which is scary, since it noticeably made me feel like crap (my mom cooked some eggs in the same skillet as she cooked some meat in, which I don't think count, but had the same sort of effect on my stomach, though slightly more kind.)).
-Mon Français n'été pas eus amélioré à cause de cette tempête. Bah.
-As said, I'm reading Norwegian Wood again. It was the first really serious work I read several years back that I enjoyed and accepted, which definitely showed I was maturing. Reading it again, I can definitely respect it more, maturing both as a writer and reader over the past year and a half. It still comes sincerely recommended.
-Sadie Murray (the story, not the person) has gone on hold. I have becomed uninspired at the moment. I hoped to finish by the end of the year, but that doesn't seem to be a possibility anymore.
-I hope to do more writing for my story, Lumière. I have a feeling Leslie will like it.
-Leslie invited me to her aunt's art exhibition in Longview, Texas, very soon. Her aunt's work is FABULOUS! Holy hell... just look, you'll understand. Can you said roadtrip? :D
-Still moving. It's taking forever. Yawn. Nothing to say. How boring.

I've been on a very strange musical switcheroo over the past week. I progressed from a binge on Minus the Bear, to Throw Me The Statue, to M.I.A., to Vampire Weekend, to The Cool Kids, to Kanye and Ludacris (thanks Leslie and Battleground Earth), and now... well I'm not sure anymore. !!! maybe.

wish upon a star

:: 2008 2 September :: 9.26 pm
:: Mood: confused
:: Music: Leave The Light On - Priscilla Ahn

The Difference Between Stalactites and Stalagmites Is Their Placement
I suppose now is a better time than never. I suppose that the trickling effect that this news will have will automatically perform its desired intention, as gossip and rumours always seems to do so well.

I'm moving.

If you stalk me (like I know you do) you may remember my entry back in March on Xanga, where I contemplated the same thing. I was told, back then, that I was to be moving into the upstairs attic/loft space on the second floor of my Grandma's house - which is on the west side of town - and we would be abandoning the home I've lived in for so long. For more specific details, read that.

Anyway, my mom was in charge of those plans, and I know my mom. Thus, I didn't expect much. I didn't really think this whole moving thing would get off the ground, because I know how much she procrastinates, and how unwilling she is to do things herself, or to get things done in general. Place that on top of the fact that I hate change and didn't really want to move in the first place, and you come up with the synopsis that this was a false alarm, and nothing would happen, which is exactly how things ended up.

Seven months later, the proposition arises, and I find out the full extent of things. Frankly, we aren't - and never have been - rich, in any sense of the word. My mom's a teacher, after all, and it's not exactly like my afterschool job, much less my affluent career at Marble Slab, exactly puts me into a six figure situation. We have enough money to get by, and to do so comfortably, which has been enough for the longest time. Yeah, occasionally a bill wouldn't get paid, and sometimes I couldn't afford that whatever-it-was that I absolutely must have had at the time. But we had food, a roof, and a bed, and sort of had air conditioning. No complaints, eh?

Well, my future is now in the spotlight. The fact is this: Before now, with these last several years at TCC, I've been spending a minuscule amount of funds for school compared to some of my peers. But now I'm running out of classes to take at TCC; in other words, it's finally time for me to move on to a university. As joyous a proposition as that is, that will most certainly require insurmountable amounts of funds we certainly don't have. If I want any hope of paying off the fusillade of student grants and loans that I will be assailed with after the appropriate John Hancocks have been scribbled down, I will need some help. My mom can't provide that on her current salary amidst the tirade of bills at present. With this house - besides the irreverently large mortgage, which apparently my mom has paid very little of over the last some-odd years - comes utilities, amongst other expenses. And though the house is nice, parts that kinda should be repaired are not being repaired due to the same lack of funds.

My grandma's house is old. I'm talking OLD - almost a century old, if I'm not mistaken. And frankly, for such an old house, it's in a wonderful condition. No serious damage, mostly in shape. It could use a thorough remodeling, sure, and it's a bit small, but by and large, it's in great shape. And, it's entirely paid for - no money owed. That immediately eliminates one very large bill. Then, my mom will be splitting the utilities with my grandma, thus making the payments a mere dwarf of their former self. Economically, it's the best move.

But again, if you know much about me, you'd no I'm not a very frugal cat. Not to say I'm wasteful, but if I were to have a spectrum of important things and unimportant things, money would be desperately far to the unimportant side. I love my house. I'm connected to it. I can't explain why I want to stay in this silly house, for of course, it is just a house. I know for a fact it's just my general resistance to change. But I really don't want to lose this house - a house I have spent 17 years of my life (or longer) growing up in. This isn't someone else's house, or someone else's future house: it's MY house. It's hard to part with my house, my backyard, my adventurous nearby places (like the nearby alley, or a small field behind my house), my neighbourhood, my part of the city. It's mine. I want to keep it.

If I moved though, I would inherit the upstairs. It's small, but a bit shocking, to be honest. A small apartment, in essence: a kitchen-space (with no appliances, though), bathroom, living room, and bedroom. Easily enough space for one person. In fact, my mother and father lived in the space before moving into my current house. I will be disconnected from the rest of the house - from my mom and grandma - in my own space high above the ground, the only entrance being an outdoor staircase. I freely admit that the house isn't in the best neighbourhood - in the barrio, quite frankly - but the crime in that particular section has been limited to random graffiti taggings of abandoned houses. I will be, as Amie puts it, "one step closer to independence," which is entirely true.

I've ran this by those who are important to me. Their opinions mean wonders to me, because to me, their opinions come first. All have applauded the plan, agreeing that it is a good move, despite my displacement and moving farther away from them. Leslie was even a bit jealous that I'll have so much space to myself. I have their approval, and I have started to push forward with the move.

Again, my mom shows her stripes by being as slow as possible in this endeavour. So for the most part, I've taken the reigns in organizing, making sure my mom schedules plumbers, gives me boxes for the irreverently large amount of THINGS we've crammed into this house, and have started the steady packing process. It's getting done. I wish we were getting things done at a faster pace, but I suppose I can't expect too much. As said, I hate change, so while I'm changing, I'm intending to go through this process as quickly and as painlessly as possible.

In other news, I'm completely healthy again. No detectable problems besides my tongue turning white-ish from the antibiotics I was taking for my weirdness. I remain a vegetarian with Leslie, and since that day we decided to go for this commitment, I haven't eaten one piece of meat, and am very proud of the accomplishment. I want to learn to cook more, possibly even get into Indian food, but that's distant future, thank you much. I'm emotionally VERY confused for numerous reasons I won't get into unless you are Leslie or Amie (if you want to know, ask me!). I have been changing up my fashion style, and I like the changes. A lot! My classes have been wonderful this semester, and I don't feel like I have to go into detail to express how content I am with them. I found some wonderful books lost on a bookshelf which I am commandeering; therefore, I hope to be doing a lot more reading these days. Avec en espoir, je deviendrai améliores avec le Français. Je suis reste mauvais. I'm writing a lot in Voilà!; try to keep up, if you'd like. That's it.

wish upon a star

:: 2008 27 August :: 12.18 am
:: Mood: blah
:: Music: Albi - Flight of the Conchords

A Rant For Days Of New
A discussion between Jayne and I about college, and how neither of us are ready to attend a formal university, how both of us see the need to, and how both of us are fishy at the idea of the college's actual necessity. Also about our possible careers.
This is my reply to her.

And I agree entirely with what you said. Like, that's the whole conundrum. I've been trying to think of this from all sides, and though there are a lot of things to consider, none offer any well founded answers.

1) The US American Education System:
In my opinion, it's defunct. Back pre-Cold War, the US educational institution was completely different, for primary, secondary, and post-secondary education entirely. We were based on a retention style of learning. Now adays, we're based on comprehension. Meaning, back then, we learned for the sake of learning, and acquiring knowledge to better our life and careers. Now, we're acquiring knowledge to be used on a educationally test, which will (supposedly) tell us how educated we are. What the government doesn't seem to realize is that we're not actually learning anything, and any hair-brained psychologist could explain quite bluntly that if someone studies for a statistical multiple-choice test, all the information they studied will be lost as soon as they finish the course. That's why the US is becoming so uneducated that we're starting to rival the education system of Mexico. o.O

2) Ibi Kaslik:
Ibi Kaslik is who I want to be. She's a Canadian author who wrote Skinny, is a freelance journalist, and is working on her second novel. She's got quite a nice life up in... Toronto, I think, and is making plenty of money to have a successfully life. She also an artistic novelist, and has a great vision. SHE went to college; she graduated with a creative writing degree from Concordia University, which has educated some of the best modern Canadian writers. I know that her degree helped her get her journalistic job, but did it benefit her as an author? If she didn't go to college, would she have still been a successful author? Hmm hmmmm.

3) The Value of the Contemporary College Degree:
Let's face facts: a degree is a piece of paper. This goes almost hand in hand with the difficulty the US has with its educational system, but thankfully, the US American public has NOTICED. The fact is, the power of being college-educated has weakened over the past few decades. Everyone's college educated these days. Everyone requires a college education. Some people at McDonalds can't even apply for a managerial position without a college degree in something. Which is just sad, hahaha. So now that everyone is "smart," and has their degrees, the supply and demand thing is all out of whack. There are tons of people who are equally educated, and not enough jobs for them all. Having a degree just means you spent a lot of money to earn some paper with a signature on it, and not a lot else. But since it's the requirement of every job these days, being without one puts you at a severe disadvantaged. Obama is trying to pursue reforms in college education, but that'll affected our kids, not us. So for now, leaving all of that hypothetical jargon the politicians are discussing it, our generation - as far as our career competitions are concerned - is screwed, hahaha.

wish upon a star

:: 2008 19 August :: 2.22 am
:: Mood: optimistic
:: Music: The Upper Peninsula - Sufjan Stevens

The Power Is Out, The Rain Is Down, The Hopes Are Up
I'll try to say as much as I can here:

Okay, where to start...
Several weeks ago, I was still in my Texas Government class. It was all kinds of hell, and not necessarily the difficulty of the class was the culprit. The fact is this: I have not taken any sort of class, have had any sort of job, nor have been in any sort of position to wake up at six o'clock in the morning, consistently, ever in my life. The earliest I've ever awoken for anything is around seven, back in elementary school. You may not think that one hour is significant, but I'll beg to differ. I digress. Secondly, I've always had issues with my sleep - I am a terrible sleeper and have always rode the fine line between "difficulty falling asleep" and insomnia. I ENJOY being awake, and getting stuff done, and feeling like I'm living each day. Often, I feel like sleep is less of a treat and more of a chore. But I digress. Thirdly, my diet is horrible. This is nothing knew. I'm skinnier than most girls I know, but the fact of the matter is, I eat like a pig. Garbage - honestly - big balls of refined food and fat drowned down my gullet with unreasonable amounts of high fructose corn syrup. It was foul, but because of my weight, and my resilient immune system, I had no reason to change.

Then this gregarious concoction of life finally came together like a church congregation, in one place, at one time. My sleeping habits, which were poor at best, conflicted directly with my class schedule. I would stay up late, and wake up early; since my body wasn't much of a fan for naps, I often got 4-5 hour nights of sleep and VERY busy 15+ hour days. Sometimes my nights lasted only two hours, and I can count three times where I went completely without sleep. I did alright in class, with my grades and whatnot, but I felt sluggish throughout the day. Then, finally, as I tightened my immune system's guitar string tighter and tighter, strumming steadier and with more vigilance than ever, the string snapped.

My gum began to swell. Right in front, above my top two teeth. Weird, right? I knew it certainly wasn't normal, but thought little of it, assuming I bit a chip weird or something. I figured it'd heal up back to normal in a few days. Well, a few days later, much more of my gum seemed to have swelled up, as well as turn an increasingly worrisome colour of dark pink-ish red. I began to fret over it, especially when I cut it on a tough piece of bread and it began bleeding for a few minutes. I didn't think it was too serious - I still assumed just an irritation from something I ate - but decided it would be best to get it checked out.

Acute necrotizing ulcerative gingivitis. Trench Mouth, for those who prefer slang. Basically, it's an infection of the gums that is somewhat rare in our modern age. The term Trench Mouth comes from the real discovery of this oral infection, back in World War I, during the trench fighting. We have tons of bacteria in our mouth all the time. But, when you mix stress, poor diet, and this bacteria, RARELY, the bacteria mutates into some nasty stuff that infects the gums. But let's use a checklist, shall we?

Conditions likely resulting in Trench Mouth:
[ ] Smoking
[ ] Poor hygiene
[X] Poor diet
[X] Stress
[X] Male
[X] 18-24 years old
[X] Weakened immune system

Essentially, I fit the bill. It wasn't severe, and my dentist said he's seen much worse since there are a lot of smokers in the city, but was glad I came in as early as I did. For the average non-smoker, this apparently occurs to 0.01% of the population. I was that lucky .01 percent. I got a nasty cleaning with a sharp blade in the gums, and was immediately prescribed amoxicillan to fight the infection.

But the major problem was the stress, and everyone knew it (except my mom, who blames me for getting the disease, and is making me pay for it out of my own pocket. Sorry for getting sick, Mom. Very sympathetic.). I needed out of the class, but had no choice, and had to tough it out.

Unfortunately, my sleeping problems had reached unheard of heights by now. It had always been tough to sleep, as I said, but not that tough. It got to the point where I was laying in bed, tossing and turning, because I simply could not shut my body down. My mind raced, and though I was exhausted, I couldn't pass off to sleep, sometimes after waiting for three hours staring at the ceiling. I was clinically an insomniac. I found ways to cope by napping much more often - more induced by complete and total lack of energy than anything - and scraped by.

Then I realized how lonely I felt, which certainly wasn't aiding in my de-stressing or recovery. I wasn't sure why I felt so lonely, so I did a little detective work on my own social life. It wasn't hard to find the problem. The weekend that I saw Kill Hannah, chilled at Leslie's house, and went to Peachcake with Ara and Cullen was the last time I had seen anyone except for Amie for three weeks. I conversed with a few people, sure, and talked to Sarah like crazy. But beyond that, not a soul in person.

I finished my medicine, and went for a second check-up at the dentist for some intensely painful cleaning, and for the most part, it's gone, and is fading faster as I continue to regulate my life. Finally, that worry was gone, but a new had arisen. A strange film was covering my tongue. I had no idea what it was, or why it was there. Minimal research online told me little, except that it could be a possible reaction to either: the amoxicillan, stress, or poor diet. Hearing two of the old and notorious culprits for my last oral disease were not uplifting.

Since my class ended, I've been on a campaign to straighten my life; to return things to proper focus. No longer having to wake up as early has opened my body up to all its sleeping potentials. I go to sleep around 1:30 at night now, and get a strong 12 hours. My body has thanked me graciously already: my gums swelling went down like crazy after a night and a nap, I felt much more energized, my skin cleared up, and my mood improved tenfold. My insomnia seems to be gone for now, but I don't want to jinx it. I feel tired at the right times though, which is a good sign.

I have been hanging out with EVERYONE, excessively, for the last week. Somewhere between Amie, Leslie, Chili's adventures, Dark Night, Hibachi, drug talk, Ultimate Frisbee, Jayne, Mary, and nerdy adventures, I've returned to a social life comfortably. I feel more fulfilled in general - no gaps in that mysterious part of the inside of your chest that's curiously near your heart - and though I still feel lonely too, the feeling is nowhere near as oppressive.

Sarah may have herself a boyfriend! That happened. I'm glad for her, and love her so.

And of course, my regular Leslie updates. How could I forget, right? But honestly, I feel like me and my little sister have been connecting so much more, on so many levels, and it is sincerely one of the most phenomenal feelings in the world. This is what I missed between us. Two years ago we talked nightly about nothing for hours, and slowly drifted apart as she fell in love with Matt, though we still cared for each other like no other. Now we seemed to have revitalized within each other. I've been to her house more times in the last couple weeks than I can remember, mostly just to talk and chill. We talk again, usually on the internet, and a couple times on the phone. She's opening up to me much much more, which I'm so thankful for, because I love every minute, insignificant detail about her.

I'm also a vegetarian. I've wanted to be vegetarian forever - longer than I can remember - but have never had that sort of initiative or commitment. But with this recent health scare, and the destruction of my immune system, I've had a reality check with exactly how unhealthy I truly am. I've done some research, and thought about this and that. But the real factor that has helped me with this beginning has been Sarah and Leslie. Sarah convinced me that it's a good idea when she told me she used to be vegetarian. I said I'd try the diet for her, but as expected, showed little commitment (though I did open my palette to vegetables I would have never before tried without her prompting).

Leslie changed it all. I really felt the need to switch my lifestyle, and consulted my sister about it. My proposition: we both attempt to go vegetarian together, supporting each other however we could along the way. She was all for it!, much to my relief and thankfulness. In fact, she had tried before, but like me, had little wherewithal, especially in her family of three meat-eaters. Now we're both pursuing it together, and we are both tallying what we eat so we'll know if the other cheats! You can see too, right here, if you're interested. We're also trying to be more fit physically, though more independently. I went to Ultimate Frisbee with obnoxious boys on Saturday, and on a few bike rides as well; Leslie has some exercise equipment she plays/works out with, and is hoping to begin a walking regime to gain more stamina (which I hope to join in on!). And so far, we're doing pretty well. I've made it two days without meat! I may cheat here and there, because I don't know where I'll be eating, but I can't complain so far. I'm happy to finally not be eating animals, which I've always hated doing, even though it was quite tasty. Also, I learned that it takes around 2,500 gallons of water to make one pound of meat. I've saved 15,000 gallons in two days! Yay! So to help the environment too, is also a plus.

My weekend was certainly intense. Friday, Mia dropped by to chat and recover her Sims games before leaving for Austin. We had a nice conversation, especially since I hadn't seen her in quite some time. Afterwards... well... er... I did something! I forget what, exactly, but I certainly did it! I think it was a bike ride. In any event, that night, Travis and Ethan joined me to nerd out with World of Warcraft at my house. Saturday, I was due to hang out with Jayne, but she sadly had to cancel plans, which was lucky for me, seeing as I woke up late and was worried I'd have to cancel on her. We have a rain check in a few weeks! Instead, ate an apple, and near nightfall, went to aforementioned Ultimate Frisbee match. It twas fun, and certainly the most exercise I've seen in awhile; I walked there too, so I felt extra cool!

After frisbee, sweaty and sluggishly, David, Travis, and I recovened at my house for a Halo adventure. For reasons beyond my knowledge, Travis ended up staying all the livelong night, and slept on my couch again. The day after, more nerdery for us until 6:00 rolled around and Leslie dropped by. From there, Leslie and I joined April, Josh, and others for Chili's, where Leslie and I had our first veggie meals together! Bean burgers are quiet good. Travis joined us eventually, as did Stephanie. How I love my friends.

Stephanie left us, but Leslie, April, Josh, Travis, and Maryanna all went to Putt Putt across town. Epic games were played - unbelievable hole in ones were scored - Leslie and I sucked up a storm and enjoyed our victory funnel cakes and ice cream - fun was had. Afterwards, Travis, Ethan, and I met up at Travis' house with the intention to nerd out once more. We got little done. Ethan and I went to Wendy's, and I danced to music like crazy while he vigorously texted and drove. By the time we returned, Travis had wussed out on us, and collapsed in bed. I tried to steal a bottle of wine before I left the house, but was unsuccessful.

Today I woke up when I weird dream I was having blended with reality and I was shocked at the realization. Ten seconds later, I heard a powerful explosions. A transformer blew up the block, and the power was out at 11:30 in the morning. Feeling productive, I ran down to Cingular and worked around my phone plan with the weirdos there. Then I snatched my cat from home, some Chinese food from Ming Wok, and went to Foster Park to eat and feed the ducks who were enjoying the rain. My cat enjoyed leering at the ducks and meowing. Anakin and I returned home, I took threw some books in my bag, and set off for the library, where I ambled on the internet, and did some intense reading in Adverbs, with random text messages in between. The power was on when I returned, at which time I did nothing but languored, enjoying electricity and the internet all the more after it's long absence. Another wonderful conversation with Leslie. Another interesting, wonderful day.

Then: Stressed, worried, lonely, sick, insomniac, frustrated, moody, depressed.
Now: Stressed, happy, social, improving health, normal sleep, happy, vegetarian, and loved.
It's a switch, but I'm getting used to it. Classes for fall start in a week. I'm using this week to finish recuperating, getting closer and closer to my sister, who is truly one of the greatest loves of my life, to continue my vegetarianism, and be as healthy and right-minded as possible. Here's to hoping, my dear reader. <3

wish upon a star

:: 2008 12 August :: 4.52 pm
:: Mood: stressed
:: Music: Language City - Wolf Parade

Insomnia Is All In The Mind - Lonliness Is All In The Lonely Hearts (Letters From To A Lonely Heart Within A Busy City)
It's what I did before going to bed, I was just reading alot of Gandhi's quotes. And then I felt guilty (well, more quilty) about something I lied to Matt about over a year ago (nothing huge or anything, haha), so I called him and we talked until 4 about silly things and everything is aokay, and I feel better about it all!

"All the religions of the world, while they may differ in other respects, unitedly proclaim that nothing lives in this world but Truth."

"I have nothing new to teach the world. Truth and Non-violence are as old as the hills. All I have done is to try experiments in both on as vast a scale as I could."

"Morality is the basis of things and truth is the substance of all morality."

"My religion is based on truth and non-violence. Truth is my God. Non-violence is the means of realising Him."

"Non-violence and truth are inseparable and presuppose one another."

"Truth never damages a cause that is just."

So you see, that little guy talked alot about truth! And I felt it was important to do. So now I feel better, and the truth wasn't as bad as the lie. And no more lies forzever.

How are you doing Christopher?

That's beautiful! Those quotes are beautiful! You are beautiful! I feel sad now that I haven't read much of anything Gandhi has said, even though everything he says is so poignant and instrumental in changing lives.

It's so cool that you were able to come out with honesty like that. That's one of the things I value most - be it in family relations, friendships, relationships, or whatever - because honestly is the only way to view the world, at least I think. And since I have so many issues in trusting people, it's nice to know people are being frank. Especially folks whom I already trust like you.

I'm doing alright. Though I do admit, since we're on the topic of truth, that my answer is a bit of a white lie. I'm very stressed, physically. This early class I have been taking really took its toll on my body. I've always had problems sleeping, but it's become a bit worse lately, and I even got a little sick from all the stress. Luckily I noticed myself going downhill and saw a dentist.

I also realized I had kinda fallen out with all of my friends. It was really scary. Like, I had seen Amie a couple times here and there, though only for a few minutes. But since the other day, when we went to the cinemas, I realized it had been over three weeks since I had done anything social before!

Classes end this week, and I am NEVER taking another class this early ever again. That was WAY too much commitment, hahah. But it was a good experience for me, I know, even though it sucked. I've always been healthy physically, and seeing my body going through so many negatives has given me more commitment to add in the positives I've been neglecting for so long. I'm trying to stop eating meat, and have been trying lots of vegetables I wouldn't have eaten if I was forced to. Hopefully I'll be vegetarian, maybe by this time next year. (but meat is sooooo tasttyyyyyy!!!) I've been trying to ride my bike more too, and I've certainly been trying to become more social with folks. So things may have dipped down really low without me noticing, but I'm making an honest effort to turn it around. So "alright" will have to suffice, since it's not really bad or good, eh?

And how are you, my dearest Leslie?

wish upon a star

:: 2008 5 August :: 9.10 pm
:: Mood: sick
:: Music: Dreams Old Men Dream - Cold War Kids

Start Filming. This Has Got To Look As Official As Possible. Are We Rolling?
Just putting this out there for the public eye.
But this looks like the most promising 2008 movie.

Nick & Norah's Infinite Playlist

wish upon a star

:: 2008 4 August :: 9.30 pm
:: Mood: accomplished
:: Music: I Just Got This Symphony Goin' - Fall of Troy

You are a child. A deranged, ignorant, self-absorbed eight your old that is over the hill and is proud of your arrogance. It's INTOLLERABLE. You don't admit your own faults, ever, no matter how obvious they are shining in the bloody spotlight. You could literally break something in front of a crowd of witnesses, and still put of the guilt. You spend senselessly on cosmetic improvements to anything; it's not about how well something performs, or about how good of an idea something presents, but how pretty it looks. If it can impress others, it's obviously the keenest choice. You live on your own schedule. Nobody else has a life, and nobody else matters - just you. You do things at your own pace, and if that makes people unhappy, well that's certainly not your problem, is it? If it's not convenient for them, well, pity. You're faultless. You have no problems. You weren't late to work, the traffic was bad. You didn't forget to lock the door, I did. You didn't get a virus onto three computers in the period of a year, the computers did. You didn't get sick, someone poisoned you. You never listen. Someone might as well talk to the ceiling, because you won't hear a word of whatever jargon they're spewing out. And if you are listening slightly, you'll only listen to the parts that are interesting. You throw temper tantrums that would make six year olds ashamed. You're fifty years old, but when you get shown up in an argument you yell inanely and go to pout in your room. You hold a grudge for years when others completely forgot about what you're holding the grudge over. You can't interpret a single thing, conversationally, mentally, physically, emotionally, artistically, or whateverelsely. But you certainly pretend like it. You act like an expert. You're always right. You could give a well founded lecture on thermodynamic nuclear fission if you needed to, entirely cited and referenced in bullshit, just to attempt to prove a point to someone who may happen to be dumber than you. You believe every single thing you hear. You are paranoid, and assume that the world is crime ridden (which it is) and is entirely dead set on ruining your life (which it is not). You are religious but don't worship your God. You say you're healthy, but don't prove it. You say your influential, but can't say how you influence. You are... a lie. One big ball of lie.

I won't be truly free of stress until I'm free of this house.

(I guess I shouldn't have snuck, red. sorry.)

wish upon a star

:: 2008 1 August :: 1.07 am
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: You Ain't Goin' Nowhere (Bob Dylan) - Miles Benjamin Anthony Robinson

I have a lot to say, and I shall say none of it.
Instead, I offer this.
There is this thing on Facebook called Donate Rice.
It works in a similar way to Free Rice.
I don't think they're affiliated, but hey, more rice for folks!
Anyway, this program lets you submit words/definitions to their database.
I decided that I would submit lots of the obscure words that I know.
All these words are beautiful in etymology, composition, and writing.
This is why I love writing and the English language.

picaresque adj. Fictional satiric novel dealing with the adventures of a roguish hero.
infanta n. The daughter of a king in Spain or Portugal.
parapet n. A low retaining wall.
mésalliance n. Marriage with a person of inferior social position.
wastrel n. A person who wastes time or resources extravagantly.
balustrade n. A lining of short columns to support a rail on a terrace.
layabout n. A lazy person.
gadabout n. Someone who restlessly seeks the amusement or the companionship of others.
packets n. Boats which ply a regular route and carry passengers, freight, and mail.
gunwale n. The top edge of the hull of a ship, where it meets the deck.
Frigidaire n. Refrigerator.
laudanum n. An alcoholic extract of opium, used as medicine.
fecundity n. Fertility.
shiraz n. Wine made from black grapes.
charabanc n. A horse-drawn bus with open sides and no roof.
tender n. A means of payment or currency.
cardamom n. A spice used in medicine.
nubile adj. Of an age suitable for marriage.
disarray v. Thrown into disorder.
oligarch n. A very rich person.
demure adj. Quiet, modest, reserved, or serious.
sallow adj. A gray-ish yellow-green hue.
cherub n. An angel, usually depicted as a winged child.
devan n. A sofa or couch without arms or back.
pantaloons n. Trousers.
swaddle v. To wrap with bandages.
civvies n. Civilian clothes.
foyer n. Lobby.
pallenquin n. A boxlike litter used for passenger conveyance.
largess n. Generosity in the giving of gifts or money.
phalanx n. Heavily armed infantry collected closely together.
multitude n. A great amount or number of things.
rhapsodical adj. Extravagantly enthusiastic.
concertina n. An accordion.
tryst n. A secret meeting arranged by lovers.
Petrograd n. The city of St. Petersburg, Russia.
Decembrist n. A participant in or sympathiser of the Decembrist Revolt.
mariners n. Seamen
rake n. A man habituated to immoral conduct.
roustabout n. An unskilled laborer who lives by odd jobs.
Post an Entry
n. Unpaid debts.
Magistrate n. A civil officer charged with the administration of the law.
vestry n. A room in a church where the clergy put on their vestments
penitent adj. Sincerely affected by a sense of guilt, and resolved on amendment of life.
starboard n. The right side of a ship.
caravel n. A light sailing ship.
minaret n. A tall, slender tower.
czar n. A slavic emperor.
drab adj. Dull or uninteresting.
gallows n. Wooden framework used for hangings.
gallows n. Wooden framework used for hangings.
cannonade n. Artillery.
tain n. A thin layer of silver.
decanter n. A vessel used for liquor.
eunuch n. A castrated man.
samovar n. A metal urn used to heat water for making tea.
lee n. A protected cove or harbour.
taffeta n. Crisp, smooth, woven silk .
fen n. Wetlands.
ne'er-do-well n. One who is thought of as worthless.
peal v. To sound loudly.
tawny adj. Light brown.
cantina n. Bar.
semaphore n. Any visual signaling system with flags, lights, or mechanically moving arms.
mogul n. A rich and powerful person.
plastique n. An explosive.
caterwaul v. To howl or screech.
askew v. To turn or twist out of order.
dash v. To throw or strike something violently.
waylay v. To lie in wait.
loon n. Lout.
cincture n. A girdle or belt.

wish upon a star

:: 2008 21 July :: 8.32 pm
:: Mood: amused
:: Music: Glósóli - Sigur Rós

With All Your Heart - With All Your Love - We Are Ever So Different - We Claim One Another With Love
My entries are few and far between, reader. But I have not abandoned this yet.
I still have no clear answer for the downturn in the frequency of my writing. If it's any consolation at all, I've actually been busy this week (for the most part).

Classes have been going alright. I detest my teacher, and I don't think she apprecites that I answer almost all the questions she asks right. She is dull and cranky, not to mention not the sharpest tool in the shed. I am harsh, I know, but I don't like being disrespected in front of an entire classroom of people after correcting the teacher at her own correction. We had our first test, and I only got a B because my essays were "too wordy." How the fuck is an essay too wordy? Thank God this is a summer course; I'm not sure if I could stand a few weeks of this, much less a few months. But I'll stop blubbering about this less-than-affable circumstance.

The Kill Hannah concert was glorious. The show started way earlier than any of us expected, so we left quite early, and made it to The Granada with lots of time to spare. To kill time, we decided to eat at this place called... Snuffles... or something. A real small resaurant next door, which served general American food that was EXCELLENT. I'm definitely going there again. Normally I would talk about the fabulous show, but I reviewed the entire thing on Voilà! So if you're interested, go check it out there.

Leslie's birthday celebration was supposed to be the day after, but for some reason it was cancelled. I never learned why, but I love her, and she can be ever so silly. It's all right.

Another week of school passed by, lame, as usual. Friday turned out to be very interesting though. Jayne and I had been due to hang out with each other for a VERY long time. We finally organized linner (a mix of lunch and dinner) at Pei Wei. Afterwards, we went to this cool park near that side of town; it was the park I went to with Jean, Amie, and absolutely everyone else, when we climbed a really big hill to look at the city lights. Instead of heading to the hill, Jayne and I traversed the park. We saw waterfalls. We passed through treacherous earthquake zones, and made it unscathed. We even caught view of the rare Barking Monkey of North Texas, a real treat. When our walk was up, I took her to a nail shop so she could meet up with her family.

I decided to have an adventure afterwards. One adventure was simply not interesting enough. I went to Best Buy, very near the nail place, and wandered around til I found some blank CDs which were very overpriced in my opinion. I needed them for the Peachcake show the day after. I grabbed a big box, but decided I'd rather continue this Best Buy adventure. I played the Aerosmith Guitar Hero in front of many people. A nice Asian lady with a baby watched, and kept nodding her head approvingly as I did the guitar solos... hahaha, it was a little awkward, but cool too. A lot of Best Buy workers started talking near the TV I was playing on, so I decided I'd rather not continue playing there. Instead, I went to play Rock Band at a different station in the store. I haven't played but once before, so it was nice to play some songs that weren't just demos. I wanted to play more, but I let some kids play, and they didn't let me have another turn. I left.

If I were to end my adventure there, man, what a lackadaisical ending that would be! I called up Leslie and asked if she was home so I could drop buy and give her the especially late but especially awesome birthday present I assembled for her (homemade cookies, a star shoelace as repayment for Leslie's Star (which I wear every day), and two mix CDs. Also, the wrapping paper had writing on it; we have this inside joke, involving the word "community." So I wrote it in many different languages.). I eventually arrived to find Leslie wearing her new glasses! THEY'RE ADORABLE! I would love to have them... but sadly, my eyes work. :[ Regardless, they look great on her, and she looks great with them, even if she doesn't like them, hahah. She liked the present as well.

I intended to only stay at Leslie's house for like, five minutes - ten at most - but somehow, through a weird series of amazing conversations, computer games, brand new underwear, Prissy's sneezes, and blueberry muffins, I ended up staying for almost an hour. I left with a bag of green tea and like, four excellent hugs. I say this constantly, but I ever-so love my sister... beyond comprehension. I couldn't spend an hour like that with anyone else on this planet, not in the same fashion anyway. I'm very connected to Leslie, in ways I really don't know how to express. She's beyond beautiful in mind and body, and I hold her in so much respect. Normally, we usually only spend time together when we're with April and other company. But to spend such a wonderful hour with her just by myself (well, Prissy was there, after all) was an unbelievable experience. It only makes me love her more, and I wish that we had more chances to just sit around and chat endlessly about everything and nothing in particular. I want to have a serious conversation with her about her thoughts on the environment; I think that would be a wonderful discussion. Okay, okay, come now, Chris. Musn't bore the reader with my insatiable love, eh?

As I said, I left Leslie's house with hugs, a smile, a teabag of green tea, and a heart full of love. But due to a conversation with Leslie, my adventure was still not over! I traveled across the way to Central Market on a tea run while texting Sarah profusely. Sarah is amazing, because we relate in all the right places, and clash where there needs to be friction. Like a well working machine. But I digress, Central Market I went. An old guy band was playing classic rock in the plaza. They weren't half bad, though the soloist... needs practice, ahhaha. But the people watching enjoyed themselves a lot; two little girls started dancing cutely to the music while the adults sipped some organic drinks and started a clap to the beat. I found my tea indoor: one box-thing of white tea (first time ever to try it), and a big container of nice black tea. I finally returned home. To end my adventure, my first cup of white tea. The smell from opening the package almost closelined me with ecstasy. It was a great day.

The next day was Peachcake with Ara, Cullen, and Bobby Walo. I met the band; gave them a mix; they complimented the concept behind my mix, as well as my Pokemon card necklace; I was bashful. I'd talk more about the actual show (which was unforgettable), but I'll save the adventure until I post an article about it on Voilà! on Wednesday. I saw the HOTTEST - emphasis on hottest - boy I've ever seen since my huge crush on a really old friend, Bobby. He was just... perfect; everything I'd ever look for (physically) in a boy. He was with his lesbian mothers (the only reason I know they were lesbians was because one woman kept touching this other woman's butt). Obviously, I wouldn't make a move on him, and doubt I'd ever even see him again........ but damn, THAT was a very pretty site. :P

And now the new week... today started lame, but that's okay.
I'm not in love with Sigur Rós. Officially.
They're beautiful.
Happy birthday, Amie. I love you!
Hopefully the rest of the week will be better.
I have much more to say, but I'll save it for another time.
Until next time, reader. Have a good day/week/month.

wish upon a star

:: 2008 8 July :: 12.56 am
:: Mood: exhausted
:: Music: The Beaches All Closed - No Kids

Short-Winded Statements From The Busy Communication Lines (A Story of a Busy Signal)
I suppose I should update, eh?
Strange, it is.
I'm sure I've mentioned this once before, but whenever I feel very happy, I tend to write less.
Which is so absolutely odd, because I don't feel happy at all.
Time has finally returned to its normal speed, but it's like the weather has been predicted to be foggy for months. Like a bog. It's tough to see through, but as long as I take it one step at a time I seem to be going in the right direction. Hopefully I find a compass, or I could just be wandering myself in circles like a book without an ending.

Strange, it is.
What I just said, I mean.
I'm quite tired; sleep deprivation works imaginative miracles, but it's no bueno, chief.

Summer semester two started today. I am attending.
I didn't attend session one. The reason was laziness, to be entirely frank, but in hindsight, I'm very thankful I didn't take the course. Had I, I would have never survived. The drama kills your mind, and without the mind, you've got nothing left. Strange, it is.

This semester, I'm taking Texas Government, a boring lecture class about the mundane nothings that have happened in Texas over the years, and the functions of the government. Obviously, it's a class designed for someone who wants to be a politician, or at very least a historian. Not me. But it's "required" - required that I waste my time and money, more like it - and I "have" to take it to continue on. Better now than never, eh? The class runs for two hours, from seven to nine in the ante meridian. Jean taught me two hours is nothing; I feel much tougher this semester, and this "long" class for me was incredibly short. I felt like I should've stayed longer, but you won't see me hanging around that wretched campus longer than I have to. But you should've thunk that by now, eh?

My professor's name is Freeman. She's a plump black woman with braided hair that was, at least today, very untidy. She loves her morning coffee. She's a terrible public speaker, and tends to ramble; she tends to say a sentence, say another sentence, and then tie it all together with the first sentence before moving on; that was her speech pattern the entire morning - it's incredibly frustrating, to be true. I thought teacher's had to be better at that sort of thing. Oh well.

She's also not terribly competent for her position, not to be as rude as I know I'm being. She's teaching a Texas Government course... and she's from Lousiana. She didn't even know the standing on gun control in the state; I had to tell her because nobody else in the class knew either... is that sad? I hate sounding like the smart ass... but... my God, the class is full of zombies. I don't think it's the earliness of the class either. They just... didn't learn... a lot of things that they certainly should have, especially since every single person in that classroom was born and raised in Texas. Neglecting Ms. Freeman of course.

I can tell I'm not going to enjoy this, at all, as usual. C'est typique, mais j'ai présumé cette. Espérons je simplement pourrai lire une livre en paix. Espérons. I need to work on my French. I'm getting rusty.

Reader, reader, reader, what will I do with you?
I have been writing more nerdy ol' fanfiction lately. I've also been playing WoW and The Sims much more often. Drowning myself in fake worlds so I don't really have to worry about the real one as much. I've been here before. Seems like only yesterday. But we all know that was five months ago. Or I do, anyway.

I have a lot of concerts to go to in the upcoming week(s): Kill Hannah this Friday with sis + April + Matt (maybe) + Maggie + Arthur (maybe). That'll certainly be an adventure. Then the Wednesday after that, Tilly and the Wall are playing at The Granada Theatre. I'll probably be going to see it with Ara, Christina, and apparently Nick Rutlidge and someone else. Nick is obnoxious, but I'll deal with him to be with two good friends and see a decent band. Then, the Saturday following Tilly and the Wall, Peachcake will be at The Ridglea Theatre. Ara is going to that as well, and knows the lead singer. I may be introduced to him. Exciting? A little.
(that wasn't sarcasm. That's my lackluster attitude talking, unfortunately).

Speaking of Sis, today was her birthday. Eighteen years old... hard to believe I met her when she was still sixteen. She's changed so much in two years, but so have I. She's had her runs of good and bad luck. Thankfully, she's grown from it. She's very high spiritted, and has a strong personality that will guide her through her life with ease. She's not the type to let rough spots get her down. She just puts them out of mind and smiles, no matter how hard it is to do. She's now taking online classes via TCC until she can transfer; she'll be doing something with enviromental science eventually. I love her decision in careers. But nowhere near as much as I love her. I hate to sound like a manically depressed fool, but most of my day to day life is drudgery and drear. Leslie is a light in a dark tunnel, and every time she shines her light toward me, I can't help but smile in awe and respect. That's true love, if you ask me.

I think I'll end on a happy note. People remember happy notes. Nobody takes family portraits of frowning faces. In family portraits, everyone smiles. It doesn't matter if they can't pay the mortgage, the son is cutting himself, the daughter has no self-confidence, the wife is cheating, but is unaware that the husband is cheating as well. You don't see that in the photos. You see everyone happy; everyone smiling. And the goal is to get to the next happy picture. If you can make it from one set of smiles to the next, you aren't doing half bad. Smiles are good. I'm smiling right now, in fact. I'm smiling for my best friend, who's birthday is in two weeks. I'm smiling for my sister, who's birthday was today. I'm smiling for my ex-lover and her recent successes. I'm smiling for those three people I truly love above the rest. And I'm wearing a fake smile for myself; hopefully I'll be able to make it to the next one alright. I'm smiling reader. And I'm certainly trying to be happy. Here's to hoping.


wish upon a star

:: 2008 27 June :: 3.34 am
:: Mood: sad
:: Music: Eyebrows - J Versus K

Like A Breeze That Is Carried By The Wind, We Move On Toward The Horizon As The Feeble Humans We Are
Long long long long week.

I got a hair cut finally. I was saving it for something special, but the special something never came. Now it's much shorter (no more hobo look, Amie). I'll miss it though; I enjoyed it being long for the first time a long time. I enjoyed being able to hide behind something when I had something I needed to hide from.

Jean's birthday was Monday. I wished her well online, but nothing more. I wish we could be on speaking terms again, at very least. But it seems that's not in the cards that were dealt; simply occasional Facebook friends at best. I have a present for her, but I guess she doesn't want it... I sent her a message, saying I'd like to meet up, hang out, and give the present - which was true - but all she did was forward it to someone else, like gossip. I don't even know if we qualify as friends, in the most basic respects... I don't know why she is so vehemently ignoring me. Alas... I don't know what more to say. Alas.

My bank account has been thoroughly drained. My mom wanted some money for bills... then money for getting things ready (I'll explain later), then for clothes I need (I'll explain later), then for food, then basic errands. I had $900+ in my bank account at the beginning of the week, and (this is me guessing) I can reasonably guesstimate that I spent well over 200 dollars here and there. I hate spending money that is not mine, and all of the money in my account is technically dedicated for school. Along with all these expenses, I'll have to be paying for my second semester summer course, which could range anywhere from $150 - $200. I'm trying to express my lack of fiscal standing at the moment. Blahhhhh.

I had to put my dog down today. Wolverine. Oh, my dear Wolverine. It's hard to talk about, honestly; I've never lost anyone or anything close and so dear to me. Needless to say, this was quite the blow, and though it pales in comparison to the loss of others I know, I can understand their remorse. It hurts... In a way I'm not entirely able to explain with words. My memory as a child is real spotty. More like colours and random snippets of memories that don't make sense at all. But my first solid memories - the ones that I can absolutely identify and remember clearly - are my sixth birthday, when I was given Wolverine as a birthday present. I remember I loved him instantly, though I was downtrodden he wasn't a golden retriever like in Homeward Bound.

I remember how he had to go to that strange building for training for something like a week, and how sad I was while he was gone. Then he came back and was less rambunctious. I remember he used to tackle Ethan, and I would laugh. I would go on bike rides, or ride my roller blades, to keep up with Wolverine because he was so fast at walking. Then I started growing up, and with friends, video games, music, and other interests occupying my life, I kind of put Wolverine on the back burner. Not intentionally; I believe this is something that all people growing up do. There seems to always be something that a child loses via disconnection simply because they are growing up, and their interests and personality are completely changing. I'm no different, I just lost a wonderful companion. Now, I lament that I didn't care - didn't appreciate - didn't love Wolverine as much as I could have.

I am indebted to that canine. I remember that he would keep me up at night, barking at cars. I remember that he would wander the house aimlessly, pestering me for attention. I remember him eating my food when I wasn't paying attention. These were nuisances, and of course they bothered me. But I remember that he was never sour. He was always there to comfort me if I needed comforting. He was always there if I needed to run around with someone. He was there when nobody else was there; he was the only living thing I knew who could be a friend to me, at times. I remember how lonely I used to be - how I had nobody to confide in - how I couldn't trust anyone - how I couldn't live without a friend, and had no friend with me. And I remember that Wolverine was always there, and all he'd do was try to comfort me. He did his best, and I know I let him down. But given the circumstance, I did my best as well. I was changing, and I couldn't help myself nor my actions. But I treated him well, and cared for him. He lived a long, long, long life, and it was his time. I'm just sorry I couldn't be there when it was all over; when his life story was summed up with a pretty, "The End." I'm sorry it was so impersonal - damned euthanasia. I'm sorry I wasn't there for him as much as I should have been. And I'm so sorry, and I will never forget him. Never.

To completely contradict aforementioned events, there is a celebration of new beginning. My cousin, Drew, is getting married on Saturday. I'm heading down to Houston tomorrow. Apparently we're going to be staying in some swanky apartment, downtown, high up on the 49th floor. It should definitely be a treat, and I'm looking forward to it.

My summer semester begins in two weeks. I'm not looking forward to it at all, but I suppose the sooner I get out of this hellhole that is TCC, the better. Leslie, who is taking her first semester with TCC, mentioned to me about the online classes. Now, I had heard bad things about them from some students, but from her description, they seemed quite appealing... granted she's never taken them, but I prefer her opinion to the opinion of complete strangers. Matt's sister has been doing online classes for some time now, apparently, and she's quite pleased. But when I tried to sign up for summer courses online, there were none left; all full up. Apparently the courses for fall are pretty booked as well, though I haven't investigated for myself. A let-down, to be sure; I liked the vision of working at my own pace, on my own schedule, and getting things done in a matter that makes sense in my mind, anyway. I'll try and take classes online in the fall, but considering many are filled up, I may not have an option; regardless, I will earnestly attempt to gain some online classes for next spring semester - hopefully my last. Where will I go after TCC ends, whenever that is? Not sure... Possibly UNT, possibly TCU (though that's irreverently expensive), maybe SMU... I really don't know. I'd like to leave the state, but I don't know if I'm ready for such a drastic change. But I still have time... we'll see.

I have been doing all sorts of writing recently. Writing in journals, finally beginning to finish those blasted unfinished stories which have been growing stagnate in the depths of a flash drive. I've also been continuing that fanfiction of mine - in the vein of Harry Potter - Sadie Murray and the Enigma Scroll. Finally, finally, I buckled down and got a "beta," who essentially proofreads the story and gives their input. I don't need their services, but the damn website says I do; for the sake of simplicity, I bow down to their interests. I can't complain though, for Molly, this lovely beta, does catch quite a few errors I would never have otherwise seen. I have the first five chapters up, with the sixth currently in queue to be approved by the website for publishing. I have fourteen chapters written, so the sooner the website approves each chapter, the sooner I'll be finished. Read it if you get bored.

The one place I haven't really been writing is in my numerous blogs. There is one exception though: My music blog, Voilà!. It's flourishing at the moment... well, flourishing as well as I suppose I could hope that it flourishes. I've recruited a new writer (finally), though she still hasn't submitted anything yet. Essentially, I'm the only one who writes any material for the site. But I write quite a bit!, updating something like three times a week. The articles are fairly entertaining I think, certainly timely, and definitely informative. You should go check that out as well, right here. I'm always looking for new writers, so if you have any interest in music, or have things you want to say about music, or both, comment or message me! I'll tell you more about it. It's fun, I promise.

I had an adventurous trip to Florence, South Carolina planned, to visit a friend, Sarah. I really wanted to go, and have something memorable happen for my summer. Sadly, with the new semester starting, I more than likely will not have a chance until August, if at all. I hate to say that; hopefully I'll still be able to go, eventually. I want to leave this town, even if the leave is temporary. I need a change of pace. But... Eh, oh well.

Beyond that, reader, I've been listening to lots of music, playing a lot of World of Warcraft, and keeping myself occupied. I would like to make some new friends! Tie some new bonds together. I'd like a more social life. Summer lasts only a little longer, for me, dear reader. I must savour it as much as possible, hopefully with bike riding adventures, late nights doing nothing, consumption of obscene amounts of Vitamin Water, and (hopefully) mooching off of Christina's Rock Band (hint hint, wink wink). Until next time.

wish upon a star

:: 2008 18 June :: 6.12 am
:: Mood: satisfied
:: Music: Robot Oeuf - Uffie

Have You Heard The News? Have You Found The Memories Of The Past You Miss So Dearly?
Good morning, reader!
Or good night! Depending on when you consider morning.
Bet you didn't expect me to say that. Or to post so early/late, eh?

Today (or night, but I shall call it today in the future henceforth) was a night of difference. Not a night of change, by any means, but a night of difference. I spent my night watching television shows on the internet. I made tea the proper way (hot), in the way Douglas Adams recommended; I also realized how terrible my tea tasted because it was so low quality. I took a walk around the neighbourhood at four in the morning. I have seriously considered taking an online class at TCC for the summer semester. And I have somehow enjoyed myself this entire time.

On Monday, I woke up early and picked up Christina. We adventured down to the Old Neighbourhood Grill to meet up with Amie, Ara, Mia, Mary, and the infamous Taylor Herron of Missoula. The outlaw himself is in Fort Worth(less) for the week to rape and pillage (and by rape and pillage, I mean have party and pillage Amie's body, hahaha). It was nice to see him again; I don't know him well, but he has always seemed like a cool guy. I would connect with him more thoroughly... but I don't connect with many guys well these days. He would be an exception if I let myself - I trust him because Amie trusts him.

After the Old Neighbourhood Grill, I chilled at home for a bit. Then it was back in the car to a fête of grand design at Amie's house. I was excited because I hadn't spent time with any of my friends for awhile, and was deserately craving attention and socialization. I was disheartened to find that Ethan was there.

My feelings on Ethan are... varied, at best. I remember the night where his change - his "maturity" - was incited. Travis and I were being mischievous with my mom's alcohol cabinet. They wanted to drink, I didn't, and didn't want to spare any of the alcohol that wasn't mind. But I finally gave in; I let Travis have a little for myself. Then, he and I concocted strange mixes of drinks for Ethan. Some of these didn't have any alcohol at all, but Ethan got very drunk-ish regardless, to the point where he was just acting dumb on a heavy buzz. Ever since that late night, he has changed. He started drinking more often after that experience, and soon made friends with some obnoxious guys who got him into smoking pot, which might I say, was thoroughly unattractive. He drew the line at weed as far as illegal narcotics went, thankfully. He remained obsessed with Amie for over a year and a half when she didn't like him for 5/6ths of the time, and his obsession was not only unhealthy, but unappealing; since I had been his friend for some 13 years, I was his "go-to" man for whining/complaining/confiding.

Eventually his personality degraded, and he became much more obnoxious and annoying. He is an all right guy... in small doses. Otherwise, he is a perverted asshole who has no idea what to do with himself. He still has a heavy crush on Amie, and I don't think she realizes it. What's worse is he is no longer a virgin. He was already obsessed with sex... there are things I won't even begin to mention that he had done previously - things that made me lose all the respect I had built for him over those long years I have known him - things that made me loathe him. Now that he has sex, he doesn't take it seriously. It's just something he likes to do cause he's obsessed with naked women and getting off (how foul to even say that about someone I know). He had sex (multiple times) with his previous girlfriend. I'm fine with that. But after he was broken up with, he had rebound sex with his ex-ex-girlfriend just for jollies, only a week after he was broken up with, when he begs that he is still completely and totally in love with his most recent ex. If you love someone, you don't go off and fuck another girl just cause you were broken up with. That should be out of the question. He is a pervert, and an obnoxious boy. Nothing more.

It was fun, as expected, to be with my friends, though certain things did dampen the mood slightly. My mood anyway, but alas. We sat around and watched Arrested Development, then later went outside. Taylor and Ethan played frisbee; Ara, Amie, and I went bike riding. Amie and I considered riding bikes together last year, but we never got around to it; I'd sincerely like to accomplish that this year (mostly because I want to ride more often, but definitely because I love hanging out with mon Amie (J'amie Amie!)).

After the bike ride, we watched more Arrested Development before we decided to go bowling on the north side of town. Ethan parted ways, and I was able to be more open and expressive, which made me feel much better; I was finally able to (more thoroughly) enjoy myself with my friends. We reached the bowling alley, but it was quite ghetto, and packed with cars. Amie felt uncomfortable, so we decided not to stop there. Ara suggested we adventure downtown; we ended up driving in circles for a bit before stopping at the top of a parking garage. We chilled there, spitting off the side of the seventh floor roof, chit chatting, taking pictures, and acting generally silly (as usual). We dropped Ara off, then returned to Amie's house to depart. I was given a later Christmas present of money and a shirt. I was sad, because I didn't thank Amie for it properly; I was more confused than anything, hahaa. But now that I have it (I'm wearing the shirt presently), I am really glad. It's exactly what I wanted, even though I didn't want it. I owe her times a billion.

The night was very fun. I lament I wasn't able to enjoy it as much as I hoped I would, but that's alright. Frustrations seem to be a way of life for me.

I would like to take an online class this summer semester. I have been relaxing all summer long, and it has been an extraordinary relief. I haven't really been in the right state of mind for added stress (due to stress), and if I were busy and taxed for time and mental wherewithal, I would certainly be in a pretty rough state. I spend my nights age-long, waking at noon, and falling asleep at four in the morning before the sun rises. I want to enjoy my summer, and I don't want to waste gas running to a place I hate just to receive an education which will not at all benefit me in the long or short run. If this online class is like I think it is, I'll be able to do my schoolwork at my leisure from home, in an environment I'm comfortable in and would enjoy working in, on my computer, which will allow me to take breaks as many times as I wish, and thus get my work done more efficiently, keep the stress away, and save money since gas is now four dollars (I know it's a run on sentence... kill me if you must, but I am a bit tired). TCC has been a joke ever since I've enrolled. I might as well stop stressing out about it and just take classes online (lazily), and enjoy myself. I should have more time for writing (which I have been doing much more often), and devoting to other matters, such as finding a job, socializing, and any number of other things I can't think of in these wee hours of the night. I'm intrigued, I must say.

Tonight I'm not sleeping. Though I enjoy my sleep schedule, I realize it's atrociously poor. I'm going to attempt to reset my internal clock by not sleeping for the day. I realize it's not good for my body, but I don't like sleeping anyway. Well... I do... It just feels odd to go to sleep when I'm not completely exhausted. I have energy right now - enough to last many more hours - and this happens very very rarely. I shall remain awake for the day, and sleep early tomorrow. Then I can resume a normal sleep cycle on normal terms, as well as go to sleep when I believe I should. It works well for everyone. As long as I'm not running a triathlon today, I believe I'll be fine. Maybe I'll take a nap for good measure, though I think that'll only make me more tired.

I want to learn Japanese. Very much. I've always been intrigued, but never had any initiative. There are these elementary Japanese schoolbooks I've found on the internet that come thoroughly recommended, and I've very interested in acquiring. Genki I and so on; they seem quite good, and I think I'd really learn. The reason I'm willing to commit to it (if I got the proper materials, like a decent book or something) is because of my success with French. My class taught me the basics, which were the most difficult to learn. Jean taught me the rest; when we would talk online in French, I was able to watch her speak, and see how she formed her sentences. I would have to interpret what she said on my own, and it wasn't lame cliche things, like you'd typically find in a textbook; it was real conversation. I'd also have to respond to the best of my ability. It was exquisite practice, and I learned much; I have since even spoken to native French speakers, and though they confirm I sound like a robot, they say my French isn't half bad - that it's especially good for someone who just started six months ago. Japanese is such a disparity from both French and English, but I have had a love for Japanese culture since my adolescence; it seems almost natural for me to learn eventually, and I'd like to learn as many languages as possible in my life.

I have ranted far too much. I am happy though. Quite happy. I have issues, sure. And I'm not dealing with them. But tonight, at least, I'm all right with everything. Today is such a unique day/night, reader. I'm ready to stay up the entire night. I'll be productive as possible. Good morning, again, readers. I hope your day is as invigoratingly unique as mine has been.

wish upon a star | Random Journal