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skife

:: 2016 22 August :: 5.33pm

I don't feel like adulting today.

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rayray

:: 2016 22 April :: 12.14pm

Today marks one month since the accident. I am finally feeling relief after going to the chiropractor. I am still recovering though. Occasionally I have brain fog, or things get fuzzy and I have a hard time focusing. Everyday I am even more grateful that my baby was unharmed in the accident. Last week was the first time that she had even asked questions about the accident. I knew it was going to happen, and I didn't press her after the accident because I was waiting for her to be ready. After the accident she asked what happened one time. And it was literally the first thing out of her mouth after we stopped. From that point on, all she would say was "I hate that lady's car for hitting us. She's a bad driver. I hate her driving". I would always reassure her that the only thing that mattered was that we were okay. I have been trying hard to not harbor anger over the whole ordeal. I am pissed that she wrecked my car. I am pissed that I am still recovering. But the fact that even after all that, my child is okay, makes me not want to hang onto those feelings of anger or hatred. Reagan could have been killed, or severely injured. She could have had cuts ALL over her body from all the glass. She could have been covered in glass, but for some reason she wasn't.

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liz

:: 2015 12 October :: 11.37pm

I registered for classes today. Going back to school for a degree in library science. Im pretty excited bout this change. It's gonna take a long time but I'm pretty thrilled about the thought of getting out of retail and I think library science is something that I'll really enjoy. And I'll at least know that I'm taking steps to be happy in the long run.

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sugarjackj

:: 2015 6 March :: 2.41am
:: Mood: Tired

OK, so, today was alright. Which is fantastic because the past week has been very depressing.
I genuinely smiled/laughed at a couple things today. I didn't have the overwhelming feeling of awful gross all day, which again, was pretty sweet.
Tomorrow my dad is having surgery on his neck in GR.
Apparently he has some sort of hereditary spinal degeneration something-or-other that my grandma also had.
So I can look forward to that coming down the pipeline eventually.
The surgeons with be removing a vertebrae from my fathers neck and fusing the remaining vertebrae together. Its a three hour surgery that requires an overnight stay.
I'm nervous because in my eyes, my big, heroic, invincible father will be going under the knife.
I'm going to be thirty in a couple years, my dads heath is staring to deteriorate and how the fuck did we get here.
Its really alright. I just am jolted sometimes when time slaps me in the face.
So I'm going to the hospital to be there for my dad. I'm also going to be there for my mom, who needs emotional support since it will be in the same hospital my grandpa lost his battle to cancer just over a year ago.
I've been pretty shut-in the past couple of months and spending the next couple days with my emotional, concerned and neurotic mother is not something I am particularly looking forward to.
But.it.must.be.done.
I just hope the surgery is 100% successful and that my mother and I can play cool.

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skife

:: 2014 20 September :: 11.41am

things that make me not want to get married
1. the wedding.

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skife

:: 2014 25 August :: 9.10pm




possible road trip next summer.

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tuwang

:: 2014 1 July :: 3.02am

I will start this post by pointing out that I typed in my username and password for woohu without flinching even though it's been saved in my computer for 5 years (just built a new PC). I think that says something.

me references will be in italics. ;)

I will continue by saying that I miss me. I'm not entirely sure I know what me is anymore, but I'm pretty sure I miss it. As a disclaimer I will say that none of this is meant to be sad or foreboding in three at all. Just a rant.

I have this notion that any sense of self I had is gone with all the hobbies I used to have.

I understand that being 27 it is a totally normal thing to be unsure of direction and/or choice, what the fuck am I doing?

I had all these plans to do these big things (that weren't one-hundred percent attainable) and now here I am, a cog in the machine.

If I'm going to live in these conditions, I wish I was a teacher at least. At least then I might have the comfort of knowing I'm doing something for the future and our youth whether or not they give a shit (and usually I can't blame them if not).

I reflect sometimes and honestly feel like it's deserved. I've done many things that have warranted my conundrum. So self deprecating I is.

But then there's the other side. Considering I'm with a mother who's in a perpetual mental breakdown and a father who will hate you if the wind changes direction: I'm alive, I eat, I drink, I'm typing on a computer; things can't be that bad.

I almost blame my raising. The raising involving America being the best and being privileged just to be involved. I don't think it's the same anymore. We're not the best. I will soon be a part of a motion picture that someone in Sweden will watch and say "man, I'm glad I live here and not there regardless of how entertaining this drama is". Does that make sense? Basically I have a notion that we will soon be portrayed as less than first world. Not that less than first world is less than anything but... whatever this isn't the point.

My point is all I do is reminisce. I reminisce about times when I didn't have to think so much. I reminisce about the people who made thinking optional at most. I reminisce about love gone, love I wasted, love I should have valued. I was so carefree I felt like love was water; the most abundant of resources.

Now I'm aware; and too much so. I have a perspective of things I've done, things I'm doing, and things I will do. This is equal parts frustrating and enlightening. Equal parts "I want to apologize to everyone" and "want to stand my ground". If I hadn't made the shitty choices I've made in the past, I wouldn't be so enlightened but I wish I could go back and at the least prevent them or remake them.

I've been told by some of the people I love most that I'm not good enough for anything that is normal a lot of my life, when I was young and still today, and this has been the basis of my relationships since I was a tweenager (this is the only word in this post with a red scribble underneath it as I'm typing and I'm proud of that). I shouldn't have said that because now another mistake will be pointed out.

With this said, All i want is to know what I want. I want to know what is wantable. Is there something I should want? Want want want. Need Need Need.

That is all for tonight. Again, just a rant. Have a good night.

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tuwang

:: 2014 6 June :: 12.09pm

Hi woohu. How have you been?

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sugarjackj

:: 2014 29 May :: 11.16pm

fuck bitches, get money
I'm making enough money to buy the shit I want and do the things I want to do.
You can call me a quitter because I'm not doing my "dream job".

Money cant buy happiness.
But it can sure buy me the things that make life cushy.

And I like that.

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skife

:: 2014 14 April :: 9.48pm

things i should be doing right now:

getting ready for bed

things i'm actually doing right now:
my taxes


Procrastination: Hard work might pay off later, being lazy pays off now.

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sugarjackj

:: 2014 14 February :: 2.32am

I feel like a 16 year old girl again. Not the best time in my life...
The same man keeps breaking my heart time and time again.
I cant help but always be there for him. I am unable to separate myself from him.

And its fucking killing me.

I broke up with my past 3 boyfriends. It just wasnt right. I know this.
But how am I supposed to move on when I gave my whole heart to someone else?

Thats not fair to the men I am dating. And I know that.

What I dont know is how to make these feelings stop.

Fuck.
After a year and a half of not being with you, you come back into my life and its like Im unable to function. Paralyzed by your presence.

What the hell is my problem.
Why cant I just leave you and be on my merry way?

I have to do something but am completely at a stand-still.
I would rather have you in my life than not. Even if its just as friends. Because after all, you are my greatest friend.

But emotionally I am a shit show because of it.

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skife

:: 2013 15 December :: 11.03pm

a friend of mine post this on facebook a few days ago...

i read it and realised that i'm an introvert...
life made alot of sense afterwards.


http://www.buzzfeed.com/erinlarosa/problems-only-introverts-will-understand

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skife

:: 2013 3 December :: 8.11pm



every day... i'm miserable.

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rayray

:: 2013 11 November :: 3.12pm

Yesterday, my mom had a heart attack. This morning she had a heart cath, and it showed that she has a small blockage but they aren't doing a stent because it could cause more harm than good. I was told this morning she would be coming home tonight, but by the time I got to class, they decided to keep her for another day. And the cardiologist told her numerous times she needs to quit smoking. So I am hoping that, the heart attack and the fact she has already been told by her doctor that has been treating her for Lupus, is enough to get it in full swing..

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skife

:: 2013 12 September :: 9.11pm

so, i applied for a job today that required me to write a cover letter.
I've never done that before.
adult decisions.

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