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:: 2018 6 November :: 7.36 pm

I Keep Myself Like This P1
I complain about being how I am and feeling like I feel. But I keep myself this way. And I know I'm doing it. I know I'm choosing to stay this way. What a hypocrite! How fake and weak is that?

It's comforting.
It's all I've ever known.

What if I fail?
There's a lot of truth in that.

How do I relearn how to do everything?
It will be simple when things are simple. I'll just know.
Won't I?

It's heavy. A thick blanket. A weighted blanket. And a fog. A brain fog.

There's that spot right in the middle that I can't see. I can star at it and my eyes shift off. They can't focus. It's like my eyesight is Frankenstein's together. Seams where pieces are patched together but don't fit exactly right.

Garrett say's he'll skype with me now so I've found yet another way to avoid writing. Though he'll get off to nanowrimo so maybe I can make myself write more after.

I was getting to some good stuff.

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:: 2018 6 November :: 7.23 pm

whining about writing
I almost starting typing. And then I spent some amount of time looking for Chrome extensions to to stop woohu from reloading and losing all of my text. And I told myself it was to protect what I wrote but it was also to not start writing.

Why is it so hard to write?

I have so much I want to say. I can't speak it. Why can't I write it? I put it in notes to go back to later. I never go back to them. Well, not yet. Ctrl+C. Is it a holdover from the depression? Where I imagine that later I'll have the energy? Is this not later? All of those other times....is now not their later? When then?

I'm so close.
But what does that mean?
Is that something I'm supposed to let go? Am I judging myself for not doing it? Yes.

Write what's going on. Write this.
That's what I keep saying when I get just to the precipice of being able to write and I recognize that something I'm thinking or feeling is something meaty I can poke at in writing. But then I digress into something else. I don't tumble into it like part of me wants to.

Part of it is how slow it is to comb through a thought and carefully type it out.
So much time.

And not very fun.

Often I think it will hurt. It will be emotional at least. Since that's the point of writing.

But I want records. Of the changes and the progress. So I can write that book. Or that blog. Or that website.

Ohhhhh maybe I'll write out the details for the website tonight! That would be nice.
Or stuff to talk to Nick about. Though that might make me sad and emotional and then I'd want to drink and I don't have any drinks. Ohh I should have taken those beers from Nicks fridge. Wait no, I want to try them with him. I had that thought like 8 seconds before I got it typed out. This moves so sloooooow. I wish I could just transmit my thoughts straight into text..

I wish I could have a conversation with Nick. Why can't I talk?
I still get tripped up. Because I care too much. Because I think it matters too much. I think everything matters too much.

Even though I know it doesn't. And I know what it feels like to feel like it doesn't. It's very freeing. But it's also kind of cold. Clinical. Simple.

But isn't clean and simple nice? Straightforward is nice?

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:: 2018 5 November :: 11.55 am

not writing
It's really hard to get myself to write still. I think about it all of the time and I can feel viscerally how important it is to get my ideas out where I can keep track of them and still I can't write.

And as soon as I force myself to try I don't remember any of the awesome ideas I wanted to write about.

I do have a fuck ton of books. I should read...

Time is so precious and I waste it so so much.

And this position is uncomfortable, physically. Macy is sitting on the main computer and I feel like I can't do anything. But how can I move her? She makes such sad noises. And I should work elsewhere but how can I leave her alone? My hand is on fire though, from touching her I think. And my postion is uncomfortable. It makes me not want to type.

I'm taking a break and trying to thin out the pin situation all over the table.

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:: 2018 10 October :: 11.44 am

that alarm has been going off for thirty minutes now
It's still phenomenally hard to get myself to write. I think it links back to that day Tom yelled at me for having the journal here and made me delete it. I lost so much. Maybe I should see if any of what I saved is salvageable.

Maybe living in Schrodinger's is not the best. It is like unprocessed constant mourning. Like there's still mourning even if I maybe I do have it all. But that's a lot to unpack.

I feel great today. And yesterday. I got so much done yesterday. And even today I feel apart from the computer mostly and like my own person. I feel intact and boundaried and actively doing things on my list without much pushback.

I seem to get my shit together right before activities that are bound to blast it apart. But interestingly I no longer feel like I need to microdose like I did. Though it'd probably be a good thing.


I was thinking about my need for perfection yesterday. Particularly for keeping things in perfect condition. I am constantly reminded of that autism book where she wrote that she collected things and kept them in great condition in order to be able to play with them later. Like I never actually played with my toys. I just displayed them. I did play a little, but never anything that would compromise their condition. Was it so they would always be playable? Was I never really a child that felt safe enough to imagine and play? Are they safe for a future time that I might be able to play?

And it's so zoomed in, being focused on perfect quality. It looks at every facet as a focus instead of zooming out and seeing the beauty of the whole.

Which links back to beauty standards and how everyone is beautiful the way their body is. An object can be beautiful the way it is. A scratch can be a characteristic of my particular item. But that doesn't settle well.

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:: 2018 9 October :: 10.18 pm

I've had a realization.

I think I know now why sometimes people want comfort instead of problem solving.

I always want problem solving.

If I haven't already solved it then I don't see the right angle and I require input from other people to reach it.

I've never received comfort from someone when I'm hurting.

When things are shitty and wrong.

I've been abused. And then left to cry and die inside.

And sometimes there's this twisted comfort when she comes back and apologizes and cries and tries to hold me all contorted and rough.

But what would it be like to have a hug?

Sometimes people have tried and it hurts. It feels very uncomfortable. It makes it worse. I freeze. I don't know how to reply.

I feel I have to do something for them to make them feel better.

A solution has always been better.

But I think now...a hug might be nice first.

Pacify the emotions in a loving and healthy way and then think about the problem.

That makes sense now.

Maybe I'm not a robot after all.

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:: 2018 28 September :: 12.53 pm
:: Mood: breathing

Interview Countdown ...2
"You've probably already noticed that the mind needs a certain kind of balance. Of focus on the one hand, and yet a sense of ease or relaxation on the other. If you focus too hard, the meditation feels a bit uncomfortable and tight. On the other hand, if you relax too much the mind tends to drift off into thought and you might even find yourself falling asleep. So just notice today how much effort you're actually applying to the technique." Day 4 of Headspace 10

This is very fitting for the exact method I've been thinking about for real life mind working. I think I'm normally trying too hard. I definitely hold on too tightly and there's no space for flow.

For the job:

Act like I am a consultant. I am a consultant. They will tell me more about the job and I will tell them more about myself and how I would go about meeting the needs of the job. And then we'll see if there's a good match and we should work together.

I have a lot to offer. I am competent. I do learn fast. I can do this job.

They messaged me because they think I am qualified enough. The job desc doesn't even list that many job qualifications. I have all of them. I can do this.

It's like when I'm an MC. Everything is calm cool and collected. Everything is fun. We're all friends here. And I want to help you have a good time.

Breathe. Relax.

This is not be all end all.

This could even be seen as fun.

-

So my brain is still not entirely on board. But that's okay. It still feels jigsaw-esque. Things aren't all into place. And the trains aren't moving very smoothly. But I can do this. Okay back to the reviewing.

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:: 2018 28 September :: 12.22 pm
:: Mood: nervous

Interview Countdown ...3
I need to do something about it not saving what I type. And Macy needs to no sit on my laptops any more.

It's so cold in my room my fingertips are numb. And I can't find my fingerless gloves.

There's less than 3 hours till the interview with American Academy of Arts and Sciences. I'm getting nervous. And I'm trying to use writing to switch my brain into the right mindset.

Yesterday, while avoiding writing, I was thinking about how it's like sobering up. You force your mind to be clear and in control. I've been good at that before and when I smoked too much Wednesday and was at karaoke I practiced that.

This is to get myself to be and feel functional. That I'm connected to my thinking brain and that I don't have to force it. I can just trust it to talk. Requires not being nervous. Or caring about a specific outcome. Nick has already made it clear that this job does not define me and getting it or not does not change who I am. I have a good life right now, even though I'd like to be more productive at home. But I'm happy and Nick and Scott love me and I hang with Macy all day.

The other day I talked to the landlord about the leak in the bathroom. I started to get dizzy and dissociate-y while talking cause I couldn't seem to communicate the idea of the tarp and suction. And another tenant came in and talked to us too. But by the end I was speaking fine and felt fine with people. Enough to initiate chats in the uber on my own volition. That's the kind of functioning brain I want to channel.

I want to be able to think about things and make it personal. I want to be able to see the hidden question in their questions and know how to answer targeting that question. Requires not being afraid.

I seem to really truly be run by fear. Each time I think I have a handle on it I see how much more and how much deeper I'm actually still run by fear.

Nick and I have started Minecraft again and I've gotten HUGE spikes of adrenaline from the monsters. Totally freaking out hardcore and having full system shut down. I'm closer to reminding myself that it doesn't matter, it's just a game. And that I can make back anything I lose. And that it's fun.

But it's still such a lot. Im still very very invested. And very freaked out. Maybe I should just go out at night and kill things until I die.

Mindfulness and meditation. I'll do the Day 4 of Headspace now to try and come down from the amped up I got talking about Minecraft monsters. And then try to reassert my mind again.

Plug in to the real world.

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:: 2018 20 September :: 12.11 am

dream of baby with three eyes

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:: 2018 19 September :: 10.24 pm
:: Mood: unsure
:: Music: Netflix - Lost Girl

Monday Check-In
I dunno. I'm here I'm there I'm all over the place? My main partner had to work out of town for three weeks and I was taking it like a champ for the first week. And then there started to be things I wanted to tell him but he didn't have the capacity.

...

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:: 2018 19 September :: 9.52 pm
:: Mood: exhausted

Hot Ones Party energized and present
I'm actively behind the scenes directing myself away from the things I want to do that will help me get better and grow. Sure, reading when Macy is on the computers happens easier but a number of times it's hard to switch to the more difficult books with some excuse or another.

I've also, yet again, forgotten tricks and things I had learned along the way. Like the ability to pause the tv and do something. Or quit the tv and do something. Now the tv pull is so strong. Maybe strong just enoug to override the growing strength and desire to do other things.

I think I'm afraid to get better. I know I have a lot of concerns and fears about what I will lose as I change functionality. The way things felt when I was dissociated and stuff. But to be fair I kind of got that back this weekend with the little more control and letting loose into that area of feeling...

The hot ones party! I want to talk about the party!
The bigger

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:: 2018 19 September :: 5.31 pm
:: Mood: itching

Starting Again - writing
I put off writing.

So horrendously that I will do my best to push the concept of writing out of my mind by getting stuck on a tv show or mindlessly scrolling facebook posts Ive already seen. I picked at my hand and scratched it up for a few minutes in what I assume was a subconscious ploy to not type cause now it really hurts to move my fingers.

And I almost got up to make some tea before I pushed through and wrote this much. But now I'm going to get some tea, brb.

-

I almost actually convinced myself to do a quick workout on my way back with the tea cause I had already forgotten I was sitting down to write. Geez.

I don't know why I have trouble writing. It's the idea of processing? It's the idea of going slow enough with my thoughts to write them down? It's the futility that I forget what I write down, or don't write down. So many possibilities.

Maybe it's just in the overarching fear - failure. Not succeeding. Writing is tied to so many things I say I want to do write now in my life and I can't even post in my thoughts in a journal [regularly]. And now I've an overwhelming desire to watch more of a tv show I'm not even that jazzed about seeing, it's just my filler tv. But it's grown too deep. Gah.

Right, failure. As of now I have some thoughts sometimes that I think are really good and insightful and I am just this close to getting up and writing them down.....but they're often at a rather inopportune moment. It's just slightly too difficult to pause everything and get up and retrace my thoughts and write them all down.

Even this, I can't remember now that I'm sitting here, the many many things I wanted to write on about what I've been experiencing in the last few days and weeks.

Lots of things about perfection. And... um.. Relationships? Wait. No... Wow I can't remember. It'll come back to me though. I need another list of things to do. And to write out the schedule, that'd be a good idea.

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:: 2018 16 July :: 10.34 pm
:: Mood: near functioning
:: Music: Supernatural

Stable
I find it hard to write, even though I can think and talk a lot better now. I did sit last night and write up the allergies and tissue request message for N. But sitting and journaling has always been so difficult.

I felt pretty good before FF. I was actively working to be able to do mushs. And right before FF I was able to shift my mind into a more stable frame. And so all the inebriates and I feel tons better. I've been so stable this week.

And able to talk. Able to keep my feelings out of drowning what I'm saying and feeling. Able to DO things. I did the sticker book!! Finally!! And cleaned so much! Things really feel like they can truly come together if I just do some of the last few big things.

I've never felt this good. And it's hard.

There's a cost I think. The farther away from my emotions the less things make fluid sense. The less they feel ..... I said natural but this feels natural too. But in the emotional state they're a different kind of natural.

I want to write more.

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:: 2018 30 June :: 11.40 pm

I don't have words.

I'm more me than usual. More whole and solid. And it annoys me. It terrifies me. Even though this is exactly what I aimed for.

The fine line between not functioning and functioning is SO FINE. And suddenly being able to just do things and say things and hear things is SO FRUSTRATING comparatively. It's annoying as fucking hell to want to write what it's like to be one way or the other and be at such a loss of words to document how things worked, how things happened.

And now I realize that what would actually have been useful was documenting how each day felt. What the limitations felt like. What the functionality felt like.

So I want to try today. And now I have painful and painfully annoying hiccups and it's nearly midnight and I'm tired and I have feels.

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:: 2018 29 June :: 1.33 pm
:: Mood: blah

Daily Reflections
The Language of Letting Go - Melody Beattie
6/29

"If it is a quiet day, trust the stillness. If it is a day of action, trust the activity. If it is a time to wait, trust the pause. If it is time to receive that which we have been waiting for, trust that it will happen clearly and with power, and receive the gift in joy."

I was thinking the other day that I didn't want to be doing what I was doing, smoking. And I recognize that part of that is seeing that I don't want to do something and not doing it. But part of it was also to see that that was what was happening right then and that was okay. That was one less time that I'll get to do that with N and feel how it makes me feel and I can shift my focus to emphasize that aspect. Certainly when I dont feel in control.

I definitely have felt like I've actively not been in the right place at the right time with the right preparation to take advantage of the opportunities life supposedly gives me. I punish myself a lot for that. I still feel like it is all my fault that I'm not further on in life. That I'm just floundering.

And then I'm told that my path is my own and there is no competition or line and that I'm doing fine. But I dont feel like Im doing fine....I feel like I'm no where near where I want to be. I know this drudgery is rife with fat to chew on but I can't seem to do both. I can't seem to take advantage of what is around me and what I am going through and still also be plodding forth.

Today, I will trust God's will is happening as it needs to in my life. I will not make myself anxious and upset by searching vigorously for God's will, taking unnecessary actions to control the course of my destiny or wondering if God's will has passed me by and I have missed it.

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:: 2018 28 June :: 1.34 pm
:: Mood: detoxing
:: Music: Bob Moses - Tearing Me Up

Daily Reflections
The Language of Letting Go - Melody Beattie
6/28

"Learn to recognize when something isn't working or isn't flowing. Step back and wait for clear guidance."

"Often the answer will emerge more clearly in the quietness of letting go than it will in the urgency, frustration, and desperation of pushing harder."

I've been thinking lately about how I need to put energy into and follow the pull I feel for some things. I think it's the flow calling me but I resist and I ignore and I excuse. I'm afraid to fail. I'm afraid it won't be as perfect as it needs to be or could be. I'd rather not try.

This fear of failure is so ingrained in me. And the decades I spent not doing any flow feel like they've necrotized me against working properly. I feel like the wheels are too rusted and stuck to start turning again and get me anywhere. And that too feels like an excuse.

This passage wants me to let go but only after repeated efforts. I haven't made the efforts. I don't even start.

I want to start the blog. My brain wants the infrastructure set up but I'm indecisive about what platforms to use. I could however just start writing things. I do want a backlog of written before I start.

I want to make L her website. I should really just commit and do it. I have it mostly laid out in my head but... ..... what stops me?

Feeling like I don't have the energy?
I can generate the energy.

Feeling like I just don't want to?
But I do want to....
And it would be something to do that would have an end result.

But what if she doesn't like it?
But it would be more than she has now and everything is adjustable, I can change anything I make.

I need to finish these background tasks so I can do these fun projects. I need my home in order.

But the recent lesson I've learned is to not put things off, even if I've built a system about when things can happen and what needs to be done first. Just start things. Make little baby steps when I'm ready.

I can do this.

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