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2005 29 June :: 4.25 pm
Dani Lauer's Open House was totally rockin'!!!!!!!!!!!!!11
totoot toot tooot ttooooooootttt tooooottttttt
I wish Kathy was my mommmmmmmm!!!!!!1
rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr\
totototottoootooooottttttttt
toot!
1 Little Tyke |
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2005 21 June :: 4.30 pm
Floating and fighting, like a kite on a string
Till you cut through my tether and changed everything
From the sky you looked small, but I loved you the same
So I darted back quickly to spell out your name
And when they say that I'm just a terrible kite
You'll tell them you're proud of my loveless flight
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2005 15 June :: 8.33 pm
oh gody god
it can't even be possible. but you know. it would be hilarious in a very sad way.
but not really. it would be the more horrible thing. EVER.
i can't hide. and. oh. i have to be something.
i won't be the girl from cedar springs.
3 Little Tykes |
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2005 11 June :: 9.56 pm
:: Music: vertical horizon-the best i've ever had
So things are cool. . .
My mom and I are getting along. Here's the trick. I make it seem like I'm busy and I run around for her a lot and talk to her and she seems to leave me alone. And it's not so bad. She's just lonely I think.
Jake and I have stopped fighting. and things are just very nice nice nice.
My open house is tomorrow which means some money for some things.
I have a roomate who is not crazy and she knows my stepsister
aaron is gone
my car is working
it rained a little bit
i have bangs
someone noticed my very intense eyes
i'm not sad about band camp or school or anything
i don't have anemia, lukemia or mono. i just need to eat more meat.
i signed up for my classes
i'm not being a bad babysitter for the most part
so here's the usual vagueness
today is the anniversary of your death and
i celebrate
with
enthusiasm
i will bury you with
duct tape
thank you
thank you
thank you
for closing the door
no
slamming
abrupt
and throwing the deadbolt
and while i pounded
until my
fists were bloody
all over the unwelcome mat
then YOU crawled through the window
and
i wasn't disapointed
gush
8 Little Tykes |
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2005 3 June :: 9.51 am
:: Music: fallout boy-grand theft autunm
I am going to lose it. Not even joking.
I thought things were going really good. I just graduated, I have cool friends, everything is pretty great on the boyfriend front and I thought my mother finally calmed down.
But no. Underneath all of that niceness she's harboring her bullshit. I can't even describe it that's how completely stupid everything is. I guess she expects me to spend my whole summer vacation cleaning. That's not happening. I do my chores. I do what she asks me. I drive A-ron around. I only ask her for money when it's totally nessesary. I try to whine less and I don't talk about how I don't love Jesus. I did my invitations. I'm working on the picture thing for my open house.I'm even trying to organize all the photos so we can be a happy family again.
I don't get it.
and the job thing. I've applied at Great Day, D&W, Meijer, Arbys, Tractor Supply, Movie Gallery, Kohls (twice) Debs, Rue 21, Shulers, and I don't know where else. I've picked up applications to like everywhere in Cedar.
Everyone MIGHT be looking at apps in a few weeks. So I go in or call to see how that's going. Oh, still looking. They'll call me. Not.
Arbys says my availitbilyt sucks even though I can work weekends and every day of the week, just not during the day on Monday and Tuesday.
Meijer? Who knows.
Bath and Body Works wasn't interested.
To work part time at Kohls you have to have open availability and I was willing to give up babysittting to do that. But now they're not hiring.
What the deal? Seriously. I'm qualified and I like working.
And I'm getting better. I go to the therepy. I take the medicine. I do breathing. I go into crowds and I try not to flip out. I didn't even cry when she yelled at me last night.
I don't want to live with my dad. I don't want to have two transitions this summer. But is that my only option? I don't want to punish my mother. I love her and everything she does. But why can't she relax and just accept who I am, an absentminded procrastinator? I seem to manage don't I?
Or maybe I'm missing something and I'm the bad one. I'm lazy and selfish and demanding.
oh my.
5 Little Tykes |
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2005 29 May :: 2.35 pm
Open House
June 12th
1-5pm
636-4135
call for directions!
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2005 7 February :: 10.02 am
it's not a handicap, it makes me feel safer.
i'm pissed.
and if it wouldn't be weird i'd crawl under the desk right now.
2 Little Tykes |
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2005 16 January :: 11.30 am
It is beauty.
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2004 30 December :: 11.08 pm
I'm like a freaking grown up!!
Take that!
2 Little Tykes |
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2004 30 December :: 11.12 am
I'd like to say that I love candy too much.
and I'm worried. and I never hoped to live in a house with barking dogs.
But it's true.
today must be a c r a z y day. because i feel it. i don't want to be sad again though. i can't take it.
it's not so bad though. i've got the jumping thoughts and i can't really concetrate too much on it.
i don't ever want to go back to school.
SIXTH HARRY POTTER! JULY SIXTEENTH!!!!!!
1 Little Tyke |
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2004 4 December :: 11.11 pm
One hour nine minutes.
fourty-seven point seven miles.
i don't know. it doesn't look good.
From Kalamazoo: one hour and nine minutes.
Still doesn't look good.
6 Little Tykes |
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2004 2 December :: 10.49 pm
:: Music: death cab for cutie.
So no pelvis? I'm kind of pissed in a relieved way. whatever.
dandruff not going away. mom not buying me dandruff shampoos.
tomorrow=darkroom fun time and less school.
7 Little Tykes |
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2004 25 November :: 10.48 am
Cell phone found. Still works
I hate Thanksgiving. . .and all holidays in fact.
I'm thankful for the people who put up with me.
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2004 25 November :: 3.06 am
Okay. So maybe I might have run over my cell phone. It's okay. And I had to work tonight and it sucks outside. Or blows. . .whatever. Maybe I almost hit a tree. Whatever.
I didn't get to see Jake, but that's not because he's a jerk. It's because I had to work. See?
It's taken me twelve hours to feel better, but I've done it. I should call someone and tell them.
I stomped around and got yelled at. I tried to sleep several times. I watched the Sunday Night Sex Show and Drawn Together. I watched Romie and Michelle's freaking High School Reunion. Eh. . .sort of. I tried reading and music and orangers. But what finally work was me taking pictures of myself naked. Well they're only head shots, but still.
6 Little Tykes |
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2004 24 November :: 10.41 pm
:: Music: death cab for cutie-expo 86
oh no. i'm so stupid and sorry and mean and should be locked up.
desperate and nervous and i'm going to be abandoned. i'm pretty sure about that.
i can't believe myself.
2 Little Tykes |
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2004 24 November :: 4.03 pm
You spend all day sleeping and waiting only to be fucked over by the weather and work.
It's not fair that I cry easily now. And I can fucking whine if I whine. My dad gets to drive to detroit. I get to make pizzas.
I hate being empathetic.
3 Little Tykes |
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2004 22 November :: 7.47 pm
You Are a Liberal for Life |
You've got a bleeding heart - and you're proud of it.
For you, liberal means being compassionate, pro-government, and anti-business.
You believe in equality for every person, and you consider yourself universally empathetic.
Helping others is not just political for you ... it's very personal too.
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2004 22 November :: 7.35 pm
grcc=downgrade
jess=okay
2 Little Tykes |
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2004 21 November :: 1.58 am
:: Mood: jubilant
:: Music: death cab for cutie-passenger seat.
It's really the best feeling I've ever ever ever ever ever had. Probably. At least in the top seven.
Everything I want. But for real.
I want to turn on all the lights and yell and dance.
5 Little Tykes |
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2004 19 November :: 11.26 pm
:: Music: death cab for cutie-the sound of settling
Let's focus here:
Things are good.
I've decided that satisfied is not a place you want to be. It's only a thing to be constantly striving for. If you get there wouldn't you be bored? Without the indecision and the heartbreak and and and the uncertainty and the changes and the simple things and the tragic. . .and everything you love and hate you'd just be stuck.
3 Little Tykes |
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2004 15 November :: 9.20 pm
:: Mood: soooo grumpy
okay okay
i'm crazy and i keep getting more weird.
i can't be aloof and i can't be overbearing and i can't find a middle ground where i feel normal and i want constant reassurance. i want to yell and hide and get a better taste in my mouth.
i mean i don't believe that it's okay even though it must be. does that make sense?
maybe i'm not even ready and i'm just going to be really imature or i'll be really good and hide all my fear and then i'll freak out.
you know it'll be fine and then that melting feeling will come and i'll pretend like i'm not crazy. and then i'll feel weird again. i'm not an intuitive person. i'm just freaking nuts.
maybe i'll follow my own advice. no bull. but that would involve me telling the story again.
ugh.
12 Little Tykes |
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2004 15 November :: 6.36 am
I'm not sure why I can't seem to breath. Maybe I'm losing the hang of it.
5 Little Tykes |
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2004 14 November :: 11.17 pm
will i be the kind of person who doesn't own a toaster?
pray for me.
4 Little Tykes |
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2004 13 November :: 10.52 pm
I'm so mollifed and happy. And I don't even feel stupid or ugly or like i have to look impressive. i can trust and i can feel safe. but it's not anxious and it's not mean or embarassing and i don't have to listen to my doubt because it's not telling the truth.
it's nice.
and i don't freak out when i see durangos or look at the clock at 9:24 or care.
i only wish my mom would be happy too. not be such a meanie. but that's the only fly in the ointment.
and maybe i'll quit my jarb. and maybe i'll get my period soon and my body will be better and i can have babies.
4 Little Tykes |
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2004 13 November :: 12.25 am
intense.
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2004 10 November :: 3.29 pm
"Are we available for Thanksgiving dinner?"
what a strange thing to say.
i was planning on three things this afternoon. So far, two of them are not happening.
5 Little Tykes |
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2004 10 November :: 11.44 am
every one in this school is crazy.
9 Little Tykes |
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2004 8 November :: 11.13 pm
i hate you. you're supposed to be dead.
how could you?
3 Little Tykes |
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2004 7 November :: 9.29 am
so cool.
1 Little Tyke |
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2004 6 November :: 12.51 am
you are like a cloud
floating
on a shining sea of
unhappiness
if gypsies could
talk
you would be
the only
one
clever.
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