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:: 2003 15 May :: 11.45 am
:: Mood: mellow
:: Music: Sunny Day Real Estate ~The Rising Tide ~Tearing In My Heart

Thank God for this CD
Thank You Eric!! Thank You Thank You Thank You!!!!! This is probably one the the best CD's I own now thanks to you. This is the perfect CD to just mellow out and unwinde to. I am sitting at work with like 8 different multiple machine orders...I would normally be stressed looking for a way to put myself outta my mysery with paper clips but this CD just makes me feel soothed. I am just all calm and like its ok...the work will get done...there is no rush to of it make me wanna be in a field of daisys spinning in just gives you that feeling all over. I don't know maybe I am insane.
On another note...Stef is possibly moving in this weekend and I am trying NOT to get myself stressed over dad is sayin its only gonna be for a month or so...but that just isnt possible in my eyes...I mean for god sakes the house is in shambles...absolute shambles...I should really find out what happend to my digital camera so I could take pix to show you guys....its horrible theres beams downstairs and thats about old room torn o man...the memories in that room...that room shared two very key moments in my first kiss from a boy...and my first kiss from a GIRL! hehe I miss my old room...I had a wall completing devoted to the woman that inspire me like Drew Barrymore Monique Powell Gwen Stefani and Selene Vigil....It makes me so depressed to think that its not mature to tack up my walls with pix of hot girls have walls full of room used to be a big giant collage, now its just plain jane boring white walls. I should have a decorating party where everyone brings there own pix to contribute to my walls and we cook food and tack em up>?? good idea??bad idea?? whose in ??? lol
So this is what I really want to accomplish this weekend...I wanna get my place in form for Stef to move in and I wanna get some pix taken. I wanna like go to the beach and manasquan and to the boardwalk and bring my camera and just take silly pix with my friends to put in frames and hang all over my walls...this way maybe I want feel so alone...I also wanna find a really cool park with lots of flowers and scenary...I really miss photography...I miss devoting full complete days to wandering around finding things to take pix of. I am sick of taking pix of myself...I want pix of lilies and daisies and bumble bees and butterflies...I need NATURE damnit....I dont even have a backyard to explore anymore...hopefully it will be nice out more sleeping more staying out late...its time to find things to explore...find new places to capture in snapshots....I need to get back into that groove...developing pix and seeing those moments captured ...i love capturing memories...bc no matter how blurry the memory is in your mind you will always have that picture to look back at and remind you of that moment forever...i love pictures...who wants to come exporing with me and take silly pictures...I remember this one time my sisters, my uncle phil and his girlfriend all went to thrift stores and the mall and my uncles girlfriend took pictures of us dressing up in clothes and boa's and whatnot just being goofy... I wanna do that again...I wanna be silly and have fun...I am sick of being boring and confined...someone come take pictures with me please...
You know what is really making me depressed right now...I am seeing in my head..the pictures from Hawaii...Turks and Caicos...and Bermuda...thinking what the fuk am I doing in NJ....I dont belong here this place just makes me all depressed...I need the crystal blue/teal ocean...I need fishies and dolphins and sea turtles....I wanna live in Hawaii...I wanna move there...I dont care if I live in a grass hut and eat pineapples bananas and coconuts everyday its simply paradise there...the gosh the water...I am just gonna cry right here thinking about it...why cant I have money to go back...why is it so exspenive to go there...why cant I live in Cali so the airfare is cheaper.???? O gosh look at me hoo poor me ....ugh if anyone is thinking about what to get me for my birthday this year...take me on a vacation lol...I dont even care if its upstate NY ....I simply need a vacation...I need away from all this stress....O gosh look at all this work piling up...I have been typing this for like over 20 minutes...ugh I will continue later ...after all this paperwork is done...

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:: 2003 14 May :: 6.30 pm
:: Mood: pissed off
:: Music: The Ataris*In This Diary

Fuk my job
Ok so here I am sitting at the same desk, at the same computer...doin the same shit I do everyday...phones blaring...people dumping shit on my desk...not putting shit back where it belongs...god I really hate this job sometimes...I hate that I don't make enough to do all the shit that I do here...its like I do "other peoples" job and get no motha fukin credit for this shit. I am so sick and tired of it. I have two papers in front of me ...just handed to me...with a 7 machine order and a another 7 machine order with additional of which looks like jibberish bc someone is too fukin lazy to write it out for me the way its supposed to be. I just wanna boycot this job and bash my system in with my foot and say it slipped. Why does everyday get worse?? is there ever an end to the shittiness?? I am sick of having no money....I am sick of being asked to do a million things....I am sick of people lookin at me like I am fuckin nuts when I take a break....I work 45 hours a week and get paid for 40 and I am god damn sick of from now on I am taking my whole fukin hour unless there gonna pay me OVERTIME...and OVERTIME=TIME & A HALF...NOT MY SAME PAY...god this place is total bull shit sometimes....I wonder sometimes why I am soo stressed out...but who goes to work to have to do there half of there bosses...then babysit there bosses kids...???? Do you have to do that>??? Fuk my job...I really needta go back to school and get my accounting degree so I dont have to stick with a shitty ass shit paying job like this....sorry for all this but if I didnt take it on here...I woulda ranted to someone like Eric...and we woula just ended up fighting lol so I'd rather vent in words than piss my freinds off....uggh my stomach is still feeling kinda iffy from yesterday...dont eat the mashed potatoes at kfc there like contaminated...I hate tonights American Idol narrows it down to the FINAL TWO....I am so excited...yet sooo confused...I really dont know what to expect tonight...all I know is Ruben is AMAZING...and Clay is my boy...CLAY IS GONNA WIN! If not him Ruben...but Miss Kim might give em a run for there money. Ok well most likely I will be back later...I should type up the rest of these orders ...I so badly wanna have a really nice day so I can call outta work and head out to PA or NYC and go shopping or maybe even go for a picnic in the park and feed the duckies...o gosh I hate my life...I need a boyfriend...who am I kidding...I couldnt date if I wanted to...I am still in love with someone else...and I dont know if that will ever go away...I have tried to hang out with different people to get over it...but none of it works bc hes always on my mind...."every lil thing I do your on my mind" o gosh I will go before I embarrass myself futher haha

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:: 2003 13 May :: 12.19 pm
:: Mood: dorky
:: Music: AFI~Sing The Sorrow

I need another job
Can I just say how much it is torture that its my favorite time of the year approaching and I am as poor as poor can be. I indulged yesterday in a pair of jeans that are short so I can cuff them as capris. I mean hell they were only $19.99 but thats like alot to me right now lol...and thank god for Eric buying me this CD. I was like crying in wherehouse music with a ton of CD's in my hand with no money to buy them. I am on a mission this week to find a new job and get my apartment in tip top shape for Stef to move in this weekend. Not really super enthused about it ...but shes my lil sis...and I gotta be the good big sis and I am and take her under my wing. It's just I was getting used to my know walking around in a its only for a few months. I really do need a second job tho if I want this summer to be any fun at all. There are like so many things I wanna buy right now and I am so strapped for money. I owe my dad $125 for my new brakes and my cell bill. That sux. I could buy all the concert tix I want with that money..and the belt in hot topic that I yurn for. What about being able to afford my chunky highlights...ugh its so depressing from goin to feel like you make decent money to moving out and realizing you make shit...its a serious realization... someone help me find another job please!!!
But besides that I really want my tattooo and I want it now...o gosh its soo pretty ...must have....and its becoming horrible that how much I go there...dont get anything and everyone else does...I mean my mom got one ...and I didn't ...and the crush I have on the boy there...its just plain sad. He hasta know it to. The way my mom embarassed me...ugh...he problems thinks I am psycho...I wanna go away this summer...I wanna go to warped....I wanna go see JASON MRAZ and JOHN MAYER call me a dork...but I just wanna eat the two of em right up. God if I can find a job at a tanning place or a music store I wll be the happiest girl in the universe. Why can't Empire Records be real??? I would be hittin that place up like nobodies business...I'd be damn the man every damn day! Marc Sux! hehe...but yea for real...I really have no money....5 bux till friday...that sux ass...I want so much stuff...but anyone I am beginning be bored with everything...I need to get away from this place...someone save me gosh and the girl...the pretty pretty gurl...why do I not have guts to talk to people...I see her online and I say nothing...probably because she has no idea who I am and my sneaky ways....ugh rescue me from the insanity that is today... I can't wait to go to the beach tonight....and just mellow out...I cant wait till summer...go to great adventure every weekend and hit up nitro a million I need fun...and I need nice weather...I need to start using my camera again...I want a digital camera too...I wish I new where my dad was....wit the house all packed up...he has no idea where it is...and that thing takes awesome better for $400 lol...well if anyone is bored this week...come help me get my apartment ready for stef to move'll love you forever...I'll be back later...piles of work just hit my desk...and I am damn hungry...I wish I had loot
~ leanne })i({

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:: 2003 12 May :: 3.07 pm
:: Mood: chipper
:: Music: NFG~Forget My Name

yay jill
Just wanna say thanks to Jill sooo much for making me a journal...woohooo i have to get back to work so i will do this from there ..hehe love ya jill thanks soo much muah
Ok so now I am at work and of course I have work to do...but I wanna fill everyone in on my exciting weekend...well the weekend started at work...around 230 i took my boss to tribal to get a tattoo...and later that night after I went tanning I went back to tribal and my mom got a tattoo...she got three roses over her left boob near her heart one to represent each of my sisters...its so cute...mookie did it ...ugg hes so hot...then I went home and took a shower and got ready to go to paradise with eric...the drag show was good...we left and went to dennys around 230 didnt get home till 4 ish...woke up saturday around 1 or so and hadta get in the shower and start getting ready to go get portraits done with me and my sisters for mothers I went and picked up Juls to go tanning...and then we went back to dads to get all dolled anyone who knows us Mayer Girl's knows we can't do anything without fighting...juli with this shirt itches ...kalhie has no black shoes...stef doenst wanna wear now my dad is mad bc were making it so obvoious what were doing but after three hours of waiting the portraits came out awesome!! We are just the cutest bunch, the four of us...and go figure I am the TANNEST one in the pix. Hah that will never happen saturday night I went to Chevys with the boys and then to the where some crazy ppl wanted us to strip down and go in the water...heck by 3 something I was like lets go home I am tired...went got my car at Chevy's went to bed didn't get outta bed till like 3 got Juli went to walmart bc ditzy Eric blew out my cig lighter and my horn so I hadta get fuses lol..then off to give mom her she cried...I am glad she liked them tho...they are on her desk at work already...and on mine too I should get my work done before I end up getting behind...its a pet peeve I hate it...this sunday would be a year for Eric and I ::tear::tear:: who knows tho...maybe something will change...maybe it matter what I will love him to death...we have been through so much...or I have been through so much with him at my side...hes the best friend I have ever had...Eric if you read this I am sorry for last night...stupid psycho PMS babble...atleast we don't have to be worried...i get too emotional around this damn time...uggh I wish I was a boy lol...its like I turn into a crazy woman once a month...and poor Eric gets the brunt of it everytime

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