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:: 2005 28 January :: 11.29 pm
:: Mood: exhausted

I thought that after doing nothing but work and school for 5 days, I was too exhausted for emotions. Nope. They keep coming strong. Maybe stronger just because my mental walls are down. Either way I'm crying. I was complaining to Braeden that I was feeling fat/ugly, with the underlying girl message that I was feeling lonely/worthless/misunderstood/mistreated. Somehow we came around to him and what he felt was wrong with him, and I again voiced my opinion that to do anything well enough to truly excel at it, you have to be whole-heartedly involved. He got mad that I told him that, and I apologized and it wasnt enough. I said nice things about him and he shrugged them off as not being true because I knew he was feeling crappy. It made me feel even more worthless. The fact that I cant console one of the best friends I've ever had makes me feel pretty shitty. I pretty much just have to sit back and let him be depressed, because that's what he wants. He wants to be left to his misery, and that's fine. Except that its not because as his best friend I'm supposed to be able to cheer him up with my stupid wit, like I can with Mia. Like how she was sick and miserable today, and we were talking on the phone/online, and I made a weird lazy noice on the phone and tried to figure out how to spell it, and typed "asdfsoiuqwer." Not that exactly, but you get the idea. Then on the phone I tried to pronounce that. It made her laugh and made me happy. It makes me feel useful and brings purpose to my life.

I would keep going about this, but Too tired.


You aren't supposed to be here! But since you are, leave your thoughts.

:: 2005 25 January :: 11.11 pm

La. Um. Today I had a voice lesson, this one was an hour long since Chase was absent. It was pretty cool. But I opened my mouth and was sort of surprised by my voice. I'm weird, I know, that I would be shocked at all about what I sound like. But singing in choir so long and not having my solo to practice at home, and not having a lesson last week, I kind of forgot what I sound like. I am a nerd.

Dad is playing DDR again, its kind of amusing. I think he's better than me now. I've been feeling really fat recently. I wish I had the will-power to stop eating. Or exercise. Or both. Its not really as if I eat any more or any worse than other people I know, its just that I have craptastic metabolism. But anyway, yeah. I feel gross and stuff. I have this weird thought that people who are thin have a better life than me simply because they are thin. For instance, they dont have to worry about going into a store and not know if they are going to have their size or not. That's why it would be amazing to just go down two sizes, because then I would be able to go into virtually any store and know that they would carry my size. It's good that I've gone down a size, but only just barely gone down, and I feel as if I'm gaining that back. I'm just having self-confidence issues right now. The whole argue with Braeden thing isnt really helping. I dont know why its so hard for us to be nice to eachother. But I'm going to make it a priority to be nicer to him and not as sarcastic. Hopefully he will do the same. Well, time for bed now.


You aren't supposed to be here! But since you are, leave your thoughts.

:: 2005 21 January :: 7.58 pm
:: Mood: random

I had such a crazy headache after lunch I was ready to die. It finally went away about half an hour ago. School today was alright. The english test went alright. I didnt study too much, but the bit of review that I did do was enough to get me through that test alright. Plus I've been doing amazing on vocab, which can keep my grade up if I do bad on a couple things.

I think the only punishment I'm getting for taking Greg's money and spending $30 is that Dad is paying him back through my allowance. I also dont think he's going to let me drive my car freely after it gets fixed like he was planning to. He's going to make me pay him insurance and stuff before that happens. I'm so happy though, that it's getting fixed this week. That's only one or two more weeks before I get to take it to school every day and not have to wait for my mother again like...ever. And stuff. Yes. A couple more weeks and things will be awesome. The way life should be.

Mom wants me to take Latin I next year. Um, no. I mean, even if I could be as good with vocab and Braeden, and get amazing scores on the SATs, The reading and writing part of the SAT isnt my problem, it's the math. Cause math sucks and I'm terrible at it. La.

I'm watching She Gets What She Wants and it's terrible. I cant believe they would actually put a movie where a girl puts mushrooms into another girl's smoothie and she goes to school completely trashed. I dont see how you can put that on tv. Its crazy. Rather amusing, but crazy. So those are my thoughts on how much they are allowing on TV now.

I want olive garden.


You aren't supposed to be here! But since you are, leave your thoughts.

:: 2005 20 January :: 9.20 pm
:: Mood: tired

Crazy hard english test tomorrow that I'm not looking forward to. I think tonight I will take notes over Jefferson, Freneau, and Wheatley. Then tomorrow during physics I will read over all of my notes that we've taken over these people. Blah.

I feel like my face is exploding. I've got like 4 or 5 zits now. Its driving me crazy. I'm just going insane. I want school to be over.

I'm tired and confused and happy and sad and everything. I just want to go to bed. Which I will be doing soon. But I get my car soon! Dad and I took it into the shop early this morning, and they say it should be done in about a week. w00t! That makes me happy. Which is why I can list happy in my list of feelings. But since that's about the only good one, I'm going to sleep and remedy one more. Later.

You aren't supposed to be here! But since you are, leave your thoughts.

:: 2005 19 January :: 8.02 pm
:: Music: I Love '94 Part Deux

Update update update. I'm such a slacker when it comes to online journals. Well, more like, I have so many that its hard to come up with things to say in all of them. Or say the same thing over and over again like 5 times. I can understand why someone would just copy and paste from one journal to another so they wouldnt have to type everything out again.

School is school. La. I'd really like to just...graduate. Like, now. Yeah. That sounds good.

Math tomorrow. I really need to finish that stuff for that class. I havent gone in to see her for tutorials yet. I'm considering just going to Mrs. Holder instead cause she's nice and a math teacher and I know she's in her classroom every morning without fail. So. Those are my thoughts on math.

Umm.......yeah. Its time for me to fall over dead. Until I have to get up tomorrow to go to school. I dont know if I get to take my car or not. I have to ask Dad still. Havent gotten around to it yet. But at least he's home, so I'll do that soon. Preferably before I fall over dead.


You aren't supposed to be here! But since you are, leave your thoughts.

:: 2005 16 January :: 11.20 pm
:: Mood: thoughtful

Braeden...I write about him a lot in here. I guess because he's a big part of my life. He's also one of the most immediate. Friends are one of the most important aspects of your teenage years, and I hate to say it, but I'm a stereotypical teen. In almost every way. Except I've accepted a lot of my flaws. I've even half-accepted my appearance. Enough to where I dont hate myself for it. But Braeden is feeling depressed because he feels he has so much wrong with him. I half think its because he's so involved in church. Its great that he's a dedicated christian, but he's surrounded by all these people who seem to him to be almost flawless, and that's all he sees besides me and a few other friends. It would bring me down too if all of my friends and peers were that amazing. I dont know. I dont think I'll ever bring up the fact that it MIGHT be that he is always seeing these people that he is depressed, because I'm sure he likes to think of church as a haven. I would. I used to. But I dont anymore. Why? I dont really know. Maybe its because church is for people who are lost, and I'm not lost anymore. I have purpose in my life and I believe that God created us with flaws and that we shouldnt constantly be trying to correct them. We were not meant to be perfect and we shouldnt hound ourselves for making mistakes. That is my theory. I am sticking to it. I'm tired so I'm going to go to bed now.

It's just amazing when you make a boy cry though...not in a mean way, just the fact that what we were talking about had him that upset. I hate it, but he needs to work through these problems. Its why I hung up when I did. He needed to think about it on his own.


2 thoughts | You aren't supposed to be here! But since you are, leave your thoughts.

:: 2005 15 January :: 11.34 am

Today I have to take a drug test which is gross. I'd rather them take a blood sample but whatever. I have to go do that and deliver something for my mom now, so I'll be back in a little while to finish this.


You aren't supposed to be here! But since you are, leave your thoughts.

:: 2005 12 January :: 9.47 pm
:: Mood: loved

Mr Gotwacko: i think you're beautiful.

He makes me cry. I love him a lot. I'd never try to be more to him than I already am because I already have the best role in his life. His partner in crime. I mean, as if he would commit any crimes, but you know what I mean. I'm next to him no matter what happens. I dont know if he really sees how much he really means to me. He tells me he doesnt think he's that important, but he means the world to me. He says he needs me with him, so I dont see how he cant turn that around and see how much I need him. Then again, its not always obvious to me that he really appreciates me, but he says he does. We have phileo- brotherly love. Brother. I wish he was. I told him I want to go where he goes, and always be near him, so that our kids grow up together and he's their uncle and things. It makes me happy to think about. I think Braeden is going to need me when he goes to wherever he goes. Because, I mean, I make new friends pretty easily wherever I go. He's told me that he's jealous of how I can fit into any group, and when I think about it, I guess I do. But he says he's not very social if he doesnt know the people very well, and I've seen examples of that. So I can imagine him going to a school far far away, not knowing anyone, and getting so incredibly depressed because he has no friends and no life. It would be sad. So with me there at least he has a wonderfully friendly and familar face to come home to. Not home, but see after class or after work or whatever he's doing. But yeah. Tonight was just one of those nights where we somehow got into a long and fairly serious talk about relationships and things, and it made me feel the urge to write an entry.


You aren't supposed to be here! But since you are, leave your thoughts.

:: 2005 7 January :: 9.07 pm
:: Mood: clean

I'm copying this from my livejournal because I dont want to type it all out again. I dont have anything to say about this that I would want to keep from anyone else, so I wont be adding anything on to it.

I hate my life. I jynx myself all the time. A good example is what happened about half an hour ago (meaning accident was at 6:45). Just yesterday, or maybe the day before, I was talking to Braeden and he was saying that I need to drive safer or I was going to get into trouble. I denied it, saying I was a perfectly safe driver and wasnt going to hurt my car because I care about it too much. Well tonight, Mike, Nic, and Hollie were coming over and we were going to watch Little Black Book. We were all at blockbuster getting the movie, and I was running late and was in a rush so I was kind of stressed out. I had just passed the was Eckerds, is now CVS on the corner at 121 and Hall Johnson when Mike pulled up beside me. He passed me and I got behind him. I really wanted to pass him but there was a car in front of me who seemed to be moving like a snail, and I was impatient to pass him. Hollie said "Get in the turn lane and pass him!" So I planned to do that, but when I passed him, he sped up and wanted to race. So I was like, alright, that's fine. So we got going, and his car is a) brand new, and b) a lot faster, so he was beating me. We were getting close to the intersection, and I was slowing down, and so was Mike, and then he started to get into the turn lane. Then Mike started slowing down a lot faster, and because his car is so new his brakes are a lot better than mine, so of course he's slowing down much faster than I am, and I just hit his left back bumper with my right front bumper. It was like the trick you use in all those racing games, where you hit their back corner and send them spinning off. Well, Mike spun, but only about a 180, and my left front bumper tapped against the side of his car, towards the front of the driver door. Needless to say, we were both completely horrified, and after panicking for a couple seconds, I called my dad. Now, I dont know about you guys, but whenever you're dealing with a crisis like this, even though it feels to you as if you're moving at a regular pace, you're actually going a million miles an hour. It was crazy, cause I called Dad and started telling him, in what I thought was a very calm voice considering what just happened, that I had gotten in a wreck and he needed to come here now. Of course, to the normal person whose mind wasnt going super fast from one thing to another, he could hardly understand what I was saying. So I had to slow it down, tell him where I was, and he would be right there. He was only going down Hall Johnson to pick Hernan up, and after getting him, dad came back with my brother and his idiot friend in tow. But it was nice to see him. My parents are really level headed in a crisis. And I wasnt really afraid of getting yelled at, because that's just not what my parents do in these situations. My parents and I have this understanding. They've told me lots of stories about the stupid things they have done, so I'm completely aware that they've gone through similar situations. They remember what this feels like, and know that I dont need to be told that I was being irresponsible and careless and that they're not going to buy me another car, or start paying my insurance, or reinforce the fact that I deperately need a job. So they just asked what happened, and I explained it, and Dad drove my car back to our house (it's still drivable- thank God, but I'm not going to be driving for a while) and let Nic drive his Monte Carlo. Mike drove his car to our house and we made copies of both insurances, and agreed that this was kind of a mutual fault and we'd just take care of our own cars. My dad called his dad to make sure that was ok. And yeah...then Mike drove home, and Mom took Hollie and Nic to Nic's car, which was still parked by where we had the accident, and Nic took Hollie home. Dad left with AJ and Hernan to go to...whatever they were going to before I interrupted. Greg was over at Tommy's. So while they were gone, I texted Braeden asking him to call me ASAP, which he did maybe less than a minute later. I only got to talk to him for a minute, though. He's with his dad this weekend, so he's not really supposed to be on his phone, but he wanted to make sure I was ok. I hope he calls me later tonight though. He makes me feel better. Then I started to write this, but Mom got home and asked me to do the dishes, so I did that. Now I'm probably going to be grounded this weekend. I havent gotten yelled at yet, and I havent really gotten a punishment except that Dad took my keys away. So I'm not officially grounded, but without my car, there isnt really anywhere I can go. So. Yeah. Now I dunno. I kind of just want to go to sleep and wish this was all a dream. When it happened, I tried to wake myself up because I thought I was dreaming. It felt real and not real at all at the same time. I wish it had been a dream. I wish I could wake up now. It wouldnt even bother me that I didnt get to post this after writing so much. But yeah...alright. I may have pictures tomorrow, if I'm brave enough to look at my car. My poor baby :(

Please dont make fun of me for being in that wreck. I havent cried about it yet, but I think if anyone says anything about it tonight, I'll start crying.

You aren't supposed to be here! But since you are, leave your thoughts.

:: 2005 4 January :: 8.44 pm
:: Mood: was kinda sad but better after talking about choir
:: Music: orange bowl half time show

Jenn told Braeden that she knew about his crush on Stevi. Ugh. He was never supposed to find out that I'd told at all, and it wasnt supposed to be a big deal because she wouldnt have told anyone. I guess I didnt consider very wisely when I chose my confidant, but wow. I would have thought she'd have the common sense that I didnt want her telling. Ugh. Its what happens when I'm upset. I dont think about what I'm saying, things just spill out. I mean, I didnt deliberately bring up the topic so I could tell Jenn about his crush, but when it came up I certainly didnt hesitate to tell her. It makes me feel like a terrible friend. He'd just gotten over being mad at me and now he's got reason to be madder than before. But he's not mad yet, which is good. Its probably because he's tired though and doesnt have the energy to be furious. It could also be that I apologized times infinity when he mentioned it to me. I dunno. But if Jenn does tell Stevi, or Stevi finds out from somebody else that Jenn told, I'll be furious with Jenn, and Braeden with be furious with me and Jenn, but mainly me, and it'll be a terrible world. I dont want 2nd semester this year to be like 2nd semester last year. I dont want to have to go through all the stress of school without any friends to support me. Cause yeah, last year I had friends, but they had many many many of their own problems which were much worse than mine. So. Yeah. I do my best to be a good friend to him, but I screw up a lot. Being a teenager sucks.

School today was ok, but very very long. Jazz was fun. We talked about Jazz Show before lunch, and then after lunch I had a lesson and worked on Bel Piacere, until I decided I wanted to do the spanish song in the book that I ordered off amazon. Partly because I paid for that book and I want to use it, and party because spanish comes pretty naturally for me, and Ms. Underwood said she doesnt do enough of it. But for fun I might let her give me a german song for the master class she wants me to do. Even though she's worrying more about S&E (solo and ensemble), after a couple weeks, when I've got my song down fairly well, she'll turn to the other songs I need. Yay. I'm actually really excited about doing that during the summer. It will keep me sharp and make me better. I cant wait. Plus, I could always use one or two of the songs for college auditions. Ah! I cant believe those are so close. I'm really excited, but I'll probably get so nervous when they get closer. So then after voice lessons, I came back and for the last half hour Jazz succeeded in learning all of Fly Me Over The Moon or whatever that song is called. Something about the moon and flying, close enough. I'm excited about what songs he's going to give us tomorrow for UIL stuff in A'Cappella. w00t. It'll be fun. Yay. That'll be the highlight of my day tomorrow. I'm done now.


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