2005 6 March :: 2.37 pm
actually, it's not even about -- it's about finding someone 'worthy' of giving my heart to. all things considered.
that sounds so goddamn arrogant, but it's true. i have ridiculously high standards. weh.
2005 3 March :: 1.46 am
. . . i act like a rape victim. i mean, what the FUCK.
i've never been. not even touched, not against my will.
what the almighty fuck is wrong with me.
2005 27 February :: 7.42 pm
it's when she leans agains the wall [lichen, cracks in the cement, rust. her eyewhites are yellowed and everything else seemed decayed. she's one with the city today.] and nearly collapses, standing shivering on the edge of tears.
and i try to say, how could anyone. possibly.
and her posture changes slightly and the strength neither of us knew she had straightens her enough to look right into me, and she says, i know i'm not the only one.
and i think she's right. has to be. for my own sake.
2005 23 February :: 7.27 pm
Everyone I've ever talked to about this says that I deserve better. Maybe I'm not saying it right. Maybe I'm leaving things out, inserting emphasis where it doesn't belong, blowing up the angst and whine like I always do.
"It sounds like he's had this thing for Claire the whole time."
"Oh, he's had it for years. [etc.]"
"I mean, when you were down here, he would talk on the phone with her, I could tell the, the connection th--"
"Oh, god, you should see the two of them together. He's like a mother hen."
"Aaaah, well, that sucks, but you really deserve better than that."
My mother speaks with a great deal of commas.
"That's the thing, though, is he doesn't really give a shit about me one way or the other. All he ever wanted was Claire. Still is."
He could be content with anyone, but only she can make him happy. He has no standards because none can measure up to her. He's not looking for love, just companionship, something to make the ache go away. But it won't, ever. And unless he finds someone who can tolerate being perpetually second best, it'll continue to fuck things up.
I swear I want nothing more than to bury his pretty little face in the cement.
2005 22 February :: 5.52 pm
And it still fucking burns whenever he mentions her.
Maroon 5. She Will Be Loved. FUCK you.