So, let's see. If I were to try being optimistic (instead of pessimistic, like I usually am), I would trust that everything is going to work out fine. I will not eventually be unloved. It would be OK for me to change my mind all the time and not have to worry about everything crashing down around my ears. It would be OK for me to trust people. It would be OK for me to trust myself.
I would be able to let this go. I would finally accept the fact that the past is in the past, and doesn't really need to affect me that much in the now. I can be good at that again. I am already accepting that peace more deeply, every time I remind myself what is and what is not my problem, my mistake, my sin (as it were).
It's all so complicated at times. But the past couple of months have honestly been better. The holidays really helped; getting to see my good family and friends. Getting a chance to travel and clear my head a bit. Doing stuff on my own and giving S the room to do the same has been good. Being more honest and open about what I'm feeling, when I'm feeling it, has been good. I haven't een letting things fest as much. Really grieving out loud and in person with our people was a helpful outlet too.
Next: I've got to work on my self-esteem. Having a bit of structure is nice, but I don't need to keep flogging myself needlessly. Staying in the present with some loose but clear goals has been good. Mostly music stuff, some of it personal. I think a good idea might be for me to call my therapist tomorrow and set up an appointment for next week. I tend to feel much more gloomy in the winter (thanks, SADD), and S suggested the wise idea of sticking with it through the winter months at least and then reassessing when spring comes (because we actually do get a spring season here, point for fucking Ohio; sorry, Michigan) since my shitty insurance won't cover the full year.
So that's what I'm up to now. Gershwin, maybe some Bach, and self-esteem/confidence.
2017 11 January :: 4.27pm
:: Mood: happy
:: Music: Last Week Tonight
Making breadsticks + spaghetti for dinner, having a beer + some ginger candy while I do it. I love my rainy city. S worked from home today and we always have a v. good time together. Feeling v. happy and content.
2017 7 January :: 8.59pm
:: Music: Harry Potter & the Sorcerer's Stone
It's cold here, but I love this city. I fell in love the moment we came here apartment-hunting, and I've only grown more enamored the more time I've spent here exploring, seeing, living. Like, I actually LIVE here. It's a dream come true in itself, a dream I never knew I had.
Thursday night was a bit rocky. Y made a reference to S being stoned years ago - haha, what a joke - a time I never knew about, an example he could never give me. I stormed out of the house in tears and K consoled me at the beach. His fault, entirely; the wound gashed open by an unwitting comment. Nonetheless. We had a talk the next day. I still have no idea how to tell whether he is sober or not. Still have no idea how it really affects me, if he were to relapse.
Fuck. I don't even know what to do with 2016. I still have no sense of direction, no clear convictions. But I think I might be ready to leave the church. Y was right - S will wait for me, whatever I decide I want to do. We already have got the kids discussion settled. I just have no fucking clue. D said on New Year's, having so many talents and so many possibilities is really a curse. Maybe I should do the thing. Join the P site. Jesus. Anything would be better than what this last year has been.
I thought my 20's was supposed to be the fun and easy part?!?!?!?!
2016 29 December :: 4.03pm
:: Mood: high
:: Music: Utada Hikaru
simple and clean
Yesterday was probably as perfect as it gets.
Woke up to a warm breeze flowing through the apartment. 7:45am, I head out to the balcony, pull up a table and chair and my jug of water, start working. Easy stuff, stuff I like. I even get to call a couple of customers. Everything finishes nicely in about three hours when the boys are back from their morning workout. We all go do yoga at the beach, the sunshine pouring down. I do better at some tricky poses than I have in a long time, actually. When I feel all nice and stretched out, I climb into the hammock and wait for S to finish up. Close my eyes to the water and rest. I am so content.
We decide to rent the kayaks. They have two kayaks, one paddle, and one regular oar. I get the paddle to start because I'm the girl and I set off into the water. We couldn't have asked for better weather. I see turtles bobbing up as I swish past them, ducks floating serenely on the other side of the fountain. I stretch my legs out long and keep my back straight, concentrate on keeping good form as I plunge one side of the paddle into the water, then push forward and catch the momentum I'm creating with my other side. I pretend my chest is the fulcrum of a mighty rowing machine, falling into a strong, steady rhythm. Over the water. I decide to paddle all the way around the lake. There are some fancy houses along the northwestern side, so I went and peeked in on the backyards. I paddled so close the dogs started barking when I got to the next bank. I kept going along the edge. I decided to cut through the middle and circle back to the fountain. The wind started picking up, and I had to go straight into the wind to get back to home shore. I kept my body strong. I told myself, "I could do this for real." It felt so amazing to get out and do something like this. I made it back to the shore in no time, and I felt great about what I had done.
Y and I sat in the chairs on the sand. Everything was funny. We couldn't stop laughing. We drank grapefruit juice and found shapes in the clouds while S went back out on the water, this time with the paddle.
That was probably the most safe and alive I've felt all year. Those moments.
Spending Christmas in Raleigh with G and R, then heading down to Orlando/Fort Myers until after the New Year.
I am going to stay. I am going to trust. I've spent enough time worrying, figuring things out. I don't regret any of it. Not one minute. If I could do it all over again, I would do it all the exact same way. Mistakes included. My destiny, my choice.