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Stuck in the Eighties

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koalalady

:: 2017 27 March :: 5.41pm
:: Mood: okay
:: Music: Enigma

Considering getting into oil painting...but I definitely need to do my taxes first.

play in the leaves?


koalalady

:: 2017 17 March :: 9.23pm
:: Mood: grateful
:: Music: Deux Arabesques (I), Debussy

Changes
Today was really, really good. The whole week was, actually. I'm working in the studio now - I had a student today. I feel bad that I haven't practiced much in my Gershwin. BUT, I have been drilling my shit. Had to double-check stuff like augmented chords and melodic minors scale fingerings. It's been good refreshing my own memory as I'm starting to tread those old neuropathways again.

Teaching is interesting. I never thought I would like it, but it's actually been pretty cool so far. The studio is a really positive environment and there's a lot of talent in the community to build upon. Like, I can actually say I have a career in music now. Working artist, I can live with that.

It feels sudden and new, like we just moved here all over again. I can't wait for spring to turn into summer, when we can open up the doors again and have breakfast on the balcony. Not that I can't go out there without perpetually being afraid of the bees. But still. I have regained sureness that I did the right thing. It's a good feeling, knowing you were right all along about following your own advice. Ha...if you're as into mental masturbation as I am, apparently.

play in the leaves?


koalalady

:: 2017 22 February :: 9.47pm
:: Music: Mad Men

Finally.
Fuck me. Life is AWESOME again!!! Woohoo!!!!

1 leaves | play in the leaves?


koalalady

:: 2017 21 February :: 10.36pm
:: Mood: excited
:: Music: beach house mix tape

Aaaand just like that, I have a new part-time job playing music every week. My piano teacher also invited me to apply to actually teach lessons (!!!) at the studio because they are opening up a second location! Sooo today I redid my resume and submitted for that as well. What an awesome week. PLUS I randomly got a bonus last week at my actual job for doing some extra work on a project, so that's cool.

Yeah. Damn. Can't believe how high things are actually looking up.

play in the leaves?


koalalady

:: 2017 16 February :: 11.11pm
:: Mood: full
:: Music: Liz Vice

Make a wish.
I feel so incredibly lucky and loved right now. I get to fall asleep tonight next to the love of my life, and I have felt so loved and supported lately in our relationship that I know I made the right decision to try and stick it out since last May. We been through some trials this year fo' sho. But right now, I am going to rest in the love that is there, protecting us and keeping me safe and warm. I deserve to feel the love right now.

I had an audition tonight with a group that's been together for about five years. Seriously one of the most solid groups of adult musicians I've ever played with. Some actual professionals in the bunch, everyone talented and rock solid in their roles. And I fit so, so well with these people: the style and range, skill levels, personalities--tonight was a lot of fun, not something I normally expect at this type of thing. Director is going to call me to work out payment and logistics stuff this week. So we'll see what happens there.

play in the leaves?


koalalady

:: 2017 6 February :: 1.45pm
:: Mood: judgy ;(

Parenting(?)
Sitting in the Biggby on 10 Mile watching this woman totally ignore her daughter for the past hour and a half. Just sitting on her phone, not even looking up when her daughter talks to her, stomps her feet, climbs all over the furniture in the coffee shop. I watched this kid try to eat tin foil and her mom is completely glued to her phone.

Just my opinion...but if you don't pay attention to your kids, you probably shouldn't have them.

play in the leaves?


koalalady

:: 2017 31 January :: 7.13am

Some more insights
1. I actually pretty much like doing everything, and I am one of those people who always finds a way to be happy in any given circumstance. So I think sometimes we need to find a balance between really wanting and letting ourselves work toward something specific out of life, and also being able to roll with the punches and find another way when it doesn't work out.
2. Accepting your desire for something to be different AND the fact that things are not that way is the first step toward realizing you can change.
3. It doesn't matter what you feel like doing; do what your highest self wants you to do. That's the only thing that matters if you do it or not.

. . . . .

4. I am still an artist, and I don't need to be super socially connected and publicly engaged for that to be true.
5. I am way more relaxed when I practice mindfulness.
6. I need to pay more attention to my negative self-talk.

play in the leaves?


koalalady

:: 2017 27 January :: 2.15pm
:: Music: Cigarettes After Sex

Some Insights
1. Nothing says I actually need to pretend like I know what someone's talking about, if I don't. I ought to stop agreeing that I know what something is if I've never heard of it. They can explain it; I can learn something.
2. I am not going to magically start caring about something. Instead of being numb and waiting for something that grabs my passion, I should just put effort into something that sounds fun and enjoyable, that I already kind of like. Because just kind of liking something is enough to be happy.
3. "We do not heal the past by dwelling there; we heal the past by living fully in the present." ~Marianne Williamson

1 leaves | play in the leaves?


koalalady

:: 2017 26 January :: 2.51pm

I don't know what I want, either. Sometimes it feels so simple, and sometimes it's confusing and hard. Probably would be better if I read more books. Books have answers, you know.

2 leaves | play in the leaves?


koalalady

:: 2017 24 January :: 10.27am

Sometimes. I really miss. You. So much.

play in the leaves?


koalalady

:: 2017 18 January :: 10.01am
:: Mood: jubilant
:: Music: Moby

I'M NOT PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.

1 leaves | play in the leaves?


koalalady

:: 2017 12 January :: 9.47pm
:: Mood: loved
:: Music: none.

On Optimism.
So, let's see. If I were to try being optimistic (instead of pessimistic, like I usually am), I would trust that everything is going to work out fine. I will not eventually be unloved. It would be OK for me to change my mind all the time and not have to worry about everything crashing down around my ears. It would be OK for me to trust people. It would be OK for me to trust myself.

I would be able to let this go. I would finally accept the fact that the past is in the past, and doesn't really need to affect me that much in the now. I can be good at that again. I am already accepting that peace more deeply, every time I remind myself what is and what is not my problem, my mistake, my sin (as it were).

It's all so complicated at times. But the past couple of months have honestly been better. The holidays really helped; getting to see my good family and friends. Getting a chance to travel and clear my head a bit. Doing stuff on my own and giving S the room to do the same has been good. Being more honest and open about what I'm feeling, when I'm feeling it, has been good. I haven't een letting things fest as much. Really grieving out loud and in person with our people was a helpful outlet too.

Next: I've got to work on my self-esteem. Having a bit of structure is nice, but I don't need to keep flogging myself needlessly. Staying in the present with some loose but clear goals has been good. Mostly music stuff, some of it personal. I think a good idea might be for me to call my therapist tomorrow and set up an appointment for next week. I tend to feel much more gloomy in the winter (thanks, SADD), and S suggested the wise idea of sticking with it through the winter months at least and then reassessing when spring comes (because we actually do get a spring season here, point for fucking Ohio; sorry, Michigan) since my shitty insurance won't cover the full year.

So that's what I'm up to now. Gershwin, maybe some Bach, and self-esteem/confidence.

play in the leaves?


koalalady

:: 2017 11 January :: 4.27pm
:: Mood: happy
:: Music: Last Week Tonight

Home.
Making breadsticks + spaghetti for dinner, having a beer + some ginger candy while I do it. I love my rainy city. S worked from home today and we always have a v. good time together. Feeling v. happy and content.

play in the leaves?


koalalady

:: 2017 7 January :: 8.59pm
:: Music: Harry Potter & the Sorcerer's Stone

Home
It's cold here, but I love this city. I fell in love the moment we came here apartment-hunting, and I've only grown more enamored the more time I've spent here exploring, seeing, living. Like, I actually LIVE here. It's a dream come true in itself, a dream I never knew I had.

Thursday night was a bit rocky. Y made a reference to S being stoned years ago - haha, what a joke - a time I never knew about, an example he could never give me. I stormed out of the house in tears and K consoled me at the beach. His fault, entirely; the wound gashed open by an unwitting comment. Nonetheless. We had a talk the next day. I still have no idea how to tell whether he is sober or not. Still have no idea how it really affects me, if he were to relapse.

Fuck. I don't even know what to do with 2016. I still have no sense of direction, no clear convictions. But I think I might be ready to leave the church. Y was right - S will wait for me, whatever I decide I want to do. We already have got the kids discussion settled. I just have no fucking clue. D said on New Year's, having so many talents and so many possibilities is really a curse. Maybe I should do the thing. Join the P site. Jesus. Anything would be better than what this last year has been.

I thought my 20's was supposed to be the fun and easy part?!?!?!?!

2 leaves | play in the leaves?


koalalady

:: 2016 29 December :: 4.03pm
:: Mood: high
:: Music: Utada Hikaru

simple and clean
Yesterday was probably as perfect as it gets.

Woke up to a warm breeze flowing through the apartment. 7:45am, I head out to the balcony, pull up a table and chair and my jug of water, start working. Easy stuff, stuff I like. I even get to call a couple of customers. Everything finishes nicely in about three hours when the boys are back from their morning workout. We all go do yoga at the beach, the sunshine pouring down. I do better at some tricky poses than I have in a long time, actually. When I feel all nice and stretched out, I climb into the hammock and wait for S to finish up. Close my eyes to the water and rest. I am so content.

We decide to rent the kayaks. They have two kayaks, one paddle, and one regular oar. I get the paddle to start because I'm the girl and I set off into the water. We couldn't have asked for better weather. I see turtles bobbing up as I swish past them, ducks floating serenely on the other side of the fountain. I stretch my legs out long and keep my back straight, concentrate on keeping good form as I plunge one side of the paddle into the water, then push forward and catch the momentum I'm creating with my other side. I pretend my chest is the fulcrum of a mighty rowing machine, falling into a strong, steady rhythm. Over the water. I decide to paddle all the way around the lake. There are some fancy houses along the northwestern side, so I went and peeked in on the backyards. I paddled so close the dogs started barking when I got to the next bank. I kept going along the edge. I decided to cut through the middle and circle back to the fountain. The wind started picking up, and I had to go straight into the wind to get back to home shore. I kept my body strong. I told myself, "I could do this for real." It felt so amazing to get out and do something like this. I made it back to the shore in no time, and I felt great about what I had done.

Y and I sat in the chairs on the sand. Everything was funny. We couldn't stop laughing. We drank grapefruit juice and found shapes in the clouds while S went back out on the water, this time with the paddle.

That was probably the most safe and alive I've felt all year. Those moments.

play in the leaves?

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