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the two sides on my brain need to have a meeting....

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:: 2005 23 December :: 12.29 pm
:: Mood: stressed
:: Music: all american rejects-dirty little secret

ho ho ho!
so i'm home for christmas break. it's been about six days now, and it's not as great as i hoped it would be. it's also going by way too fast for me to handle. i guess it's just because of the fact that there is never anything going on in the city of trenton. whenever i come home, i end up sitting around all day. i mean, there are people i want to see and everything, but besides that, i don't ever do anything exciting when i'm home.

both of my brothers were sick on monday and tuesday, and now i have whatever it is they had, except worse. my tonsils are so big that there is no space in the back of my mouth for me to breathe. my throat is killing me, my nose is stuffy, and my chest is full of shit that makes it hard to inhale. merry effing christmas to me.

right, christmas. it's the day after tomorrow. i'm not that excited about it. not for any particular reason...i'm just not that excited. what i am excited for is puerto rico. we leave the 26th!! that means that in three days' time, i will be on the beach, baby! i am definitely going to get my ass kicked at practice, but i don't even care. i need some warm weather. plus, i'll get to put my espanol skills to use with the locals.

speaking of espanol, it has afforded me an excellent opportunity. my mom works for a catering company that serves people in the club level at ford field, so she gets to work the superbowl (me=jealous). her boss just told her that they need people who can speak spanish to work the superbowl and serve the area where all of the hispanic media will be. which means, drumroll please, that because i speak spanish, i might get to go to the superbowl, bitches!!!!!!!!!! not only that, but i will be getting paid like 23 bucks an hour to do it. yesss!

this semester just ended, and i'm pretty sure i got about a 3.5, which is okay, but not as good as i wanted it to be. i was counting on at least a B+ in my american culture class because it was graded on a curve, but, and i kid you not on this one, someone had to go and score a 100 on every part of the class AND do extra credit. so that curve basically just got ruined by someone who's probably doing the professor. i ended up with a B-, which is the worst grade i have ever gotten on a report card in my life. i don't even know if i have ever gotten a B before. i'm not too stressed about it, it just bugs me that someone had to go and ruin it for everyone else. like why not get a 93, that way you would still have the A and not completely destroy everyone else's grades? who knows with some people.

anyways, the only reason i'm writing right now is because i am sitting here in my house, sick, with nothing to do. i'm going to practice at 3, but i don't even know if i will make it through that considering the current state of my respiratory system.

by the way, i hate guys right now. they have this extraordinary talent for screwing me and my friends over, simply because of the fact that we might believe that they could be considerate human beings. i'm not going to go all psycho feminist on you, but if one more guy treats me or one of my friends with disrespect, he will be getting a swift kick in the balls, at the VERY least.

i'm kind of sick of the drama that's been going on with my team, which is one reason i am glad we're on break. everyone needs to just take a chill pill and let the estrogen level sink back down to normal. i hate being involved in drama, i don't like causing it, i would never do anything to hurt a friend or teammate. i don't understand why the rest of my teammates can't understand this about me and about each other. it's sort of like the guy dilemma. be respectful, treat everyone how you want to be treated.

it's not that i'm angry at anyone, and i hope that no one is angry at me, but i feel like the tension level among every single person at the university of michigan has risen to an all-time high, and i'm sick of it.
it's good to be home and not distracted by anyone acting like a toddler.

anyways, my mom finally bought cereal after me asking her to for a week, so i'm going to go and eat it.

give me some lovin!

:: 2005 2 December :: 1.07 pm
:: Mood: pissed
:: Music: very superstitious

wow i'm getting behind on the journal writing. maybe if my parents would get my computer fixed like they said they would three months ago. anyways.

we're getting into the holiday season, folks. you know what that means. ass-kicking in the pool every day, twice a day. i actually don't mind it so much, it's just getting to be a little much with school and swimming right now, so i've been tired and too lazy to do any work.

i was SUPPOSED to swim in the EMU invite this weekend, which i was really excited about because whitney and dan and i would all be swimming in a real meet together for the first time since high school. that got shot to hell when i dislocated my shoulder during dryland last night. i am so angry, you have no idea. l was so excited to race, and i had the feeling that i was going to do really well, and then this crap happens.

so now i can't be in the water until after i see the orthopedist, which will be on monday night. (by the way, it's friday afternoon, so that means i'm missing three days and all three meet sessions)

otherwise, stuff is going really well i guess. i'm getting good grades, i had a boring but relaxing thanksgiving break, and i'm pretty satisfied with how everything is going.

i managed to pull an A on the english paper i wrote the hour before i had to turn it into my prof's office, so that was pretty sweet. i also got an A on my spanish paper that i wrote the night before it was due. i'm starting to think this whole university of michigan thing isn't all that hard. if i wasn't an athlete, i would be getting like a 4.0.

hmm. i feel like i used to write in this journal and have so many thoughts to put in front of me that i couldn't keep track of them all. right now i'm kind of drawing a blank. i guess if i think of something good i can come back and write it later.


give me some lovin!

:: 2005 25 October :: 7.59 pm
:: Mood: relieved
:: Music: queen-bohemian rhapsody

sooo i almost lost my mind the past four days. i had two papers and two exams in two days. it was nuts. i spent six hours in the fishbowl on saturday and six last night. then, i came home and started studying and woke up on the couch at 6am. i actually think my papers turned out okay, and my exam was wayyyy easier than i thought.

anyways, other stuff. i felt crappy in practice and my times were horrible for like 3 weeks, so jim and the doc thought i had mono. got tested and i didn't have it, but i started to feel better so it's cool. i've sorta had a cold lately, but swimming's been okay still. having fun with the team as usual. i love them. we have meets against cal and msu this week two days in a row, which should be fabulous. i'm actually excited cause i haven't raced in a while.

ps, i really like how our coaches think we have a drinking problem. we rarely even go out, and when we do we're never out of control. it would be one thing if we really were going crazy; then i would just fess up, but i don't like being accused of things i don't do.

hmm one other thing i really like is how everyone on both teams knows everything about everyone's lives, esp what happens on the weekends. actually it doesn't make me mad, more like i think it's funny. i love gossip as long as it's not hurting anyone.

i also love boys. justine and i always talk about how we are commitment phobes, and i think it is true. i don't know how i could choose just one guy and commit to him with the risk of emotional pain. i really haven't been treated badly by guys in my life, so i dunno what i'm afraid of. i mean, it would make sense for me to want a boyfriend. then i would have someone to hang out with, do nice things for me, and hook up with. lol. not that any of that stuff is the most important part of relationship, but you know what i mean.

sophomore year has been amazing so far...i can't believe that we're already more than two months into it!! it seems like even though last year flew by, the weeks and months went by slower. who knows. season is going by really fast, and before we know it we'll be training in puerto rico! that is rad.

hmmm what else. i need to figure out what i want to do with my life. how is a 19 year old supposed to know what she wants to do for the next 40 years? i just can't imagine choosing there are no jobs that are really appealing to me. i mean, i'm not afraid of hard work, but i don't want to sit behind a desk, i don't like math/business/science/engineering/medicine/econ. i want to make money, but i want to have fun doing it. is that too much to ask? i feel like i don't know about all the jobs that are out there. i need someone to sit me down and give me some good choices. i know that i'm good at writing, public speaking, spanish, working with other people, solving problems, all that stuff....but what does that even mean? i don't want to be a teacher, so what should i do? i'm currently taking suggestions.

i also feel like i really need to get back into creative writing. i know i'm a dork, but i feel sad when i go a long time without writing a poem or a short story or doing something nerdy and creative. even writing a song or painting a picture would be good. i have no artistic talent whatsoever when it comes to painting or drawing or anything, but i still like doing it. i guess when i do something creative it sort of helps solidify my current mood and lay it in front of me. i seriously sound like the biggest dork of my life right now, but i don't really care. i'm also rambling. when i start talking about creative endeavors like this, i get really into it. i get really excited just thinking what i can make with my mind, my hands, my body....just so much possibility. now, if i could somehow harness this excitement into something productive it would be good. maybe i can find a job in the creative field. the only problem is, i'm not actually good enough at any of that stuff to be really successful in that area. i mean, i'm okay, but i want to do something that will make a lasting impression on my sphere of existence. either i want to be remembered for the things i have done, be inspirational in some way to others, or really change my field of work. who knows.

okay i'm done confusing myself for now.

give me some lovin!

:: 2005 6 October :: 8.37 pm
:: Mood: bored
:: Music: afroman-colt 45

i haven't written anything in soooooooooooo long. i guess it's cause i've been really busy lately since i came back to school. swimming's been going on for about five weeks, and it's not too horrible. practices are hard, esp dryland, but i'm not completely dying yet.....i haven't procrastinated a lot yet (yeah baby!!!!) and i'm goin for the 4 point this year!!!!!
parties during welcome week were pretty sweet, esp since teeny and i have our own apt now. parties on weekends haven't been all that great, but they're enough to satisfy me i guess.
i went to state this weekend for the michigan-msu game. state was pretty fun, i don't remember some of the night.
this saturday night i'm goin home for the first time, cause it's kyle's first homecoming!!!! he's gonna look soooooooooooo cute in his little suit! also news heralds is saturday, and of course i'm gonna be there if i'm already in town. i miss the fun and easiness of hs
this saturday is our intrasquad meet (where our team divides in half and we swim against each other) and the maize team is takin the blue team doowwwwn! i like the intrasquad meet cause there's not as much pressure involved.....although i can't wait to get back into real competition. cal and georgia better look out! hehee
speaking of which, we are gonna be amazing this year. our returners are really fast, and our freshman are awesome. we are going to own at big tens and nc's. i can't wait for the season to really get going...i know i'll be dying at practice, but it's worth it to be in the best shape of my life and swim with a bunch of awesome girls.

anyways, i felt an update was in order since it had been forever, so i guess that's it!

give me some lovin!

:: 2005 24 August :: 8.52 pm
:: Mood: relieved
:: Music: eric clapton-layla

soooo i'm done working at the kpool for the rest of the summer. you have no idea how happy that makes me. i seriously spent so much time there that i thought i would go crazy soon.

it's always sad saying goodbye to everyone at the pool, though. it's weird because this is only my second year being one of the people who leaves everyone. before that, i was one of the people saying goodbye to the "big kids". that's one thing i noticed about the dynamic of the pool this summer. i feel like an old person every time i walk in there and see five freshmen who i've never seen before. the kpool has become like a second home since i've started working there. not necessarily a home because i like it....i don't usually like being there....but at least i'm comfortable in my surroundings there.

i'll probably end up working there for another summer or two. it's the perfect job when i include the swimming situation...not many other places would be willing to work around my training and coaching schedule.

so, everyone's leaving for school again. it's so weird that the next couple of years are basically full of saying goodbye and reuniting. first, i said goodbye to my best friends last year, then met a ton of people i didn't know. by the time i was totally comfortable around them, it was time to say goodbye again and reunite with my old friends. now we're separating again, and i'm reuniting with the school people. what a weird cycle. i guess it's good because i never get bored.

i leave for school on saturday. i am soooo excited but soooo not ready. i pretty much haven't packed anything, and my room looks like a clothes bomb exploded in it. tomorrow and friday are basically going to be hardcore cleaning nazi days.

there's this guy who i think likes me, but i really can't see it going past the friendship phase. we've known each other for a long time, but the thought of taking the next step weirds me out like no other. plus i have too many other guys bowing at my feet. haha.

i never thought i would hear myself say this, but i can't wait to get started on some hardcore training again. i mean, i've trained all summer, but not very seriously because i have so little time, so going back to school is going to be a good thing. i loved being in the best shape of my life all last winter, and no matter how sore i am after a workout, nothing can beat that on top of the world feeling that i get when i finish one.

anyways, i just got home from work and i'm starving, so i'm gonna go.

:) sam

1 hug | give me some lovin!

:: 2005 16 August :: 1.56 pm
:: Music: dashboard-hands down

hmmmm, where should i begin. i guess i just made some mental observations about my decision to become agnostic. if you read my journal, then you know that a few months ago i researched agnosticism and decided that agnostic principles pretty much match up with the way i think/feel. so, since then, i've been openly agnostic. i've noticed that there are some major pros and cons with the decision i made. not that any of these are of importance to the people who are reading my journal, but i feel like putting them down in writing.

first of all, life is WAY easier when i don't have to stand around and pretend to be christian or still claim some attatchment to any of those ideas, and i guess i just like having some group that i can identify with....although i will point out one negative....telling people that you don't really believe in a god gets some pretty negative reactions out of others. for instance, when i had a conversation with my mom and dad about it, they seemed almost angry at me or disappointed, which i would never have expected. they are two of the least religious people you will ever meet, but they still managed to try and bully me into believing in God. i can tell everyone right now, bullying me into a belief is the quickest route to making me straight up hate religion. i still haven't told most people about it...i mean, if they ask, i'd be sure to answer truthfully, but i feel like walking up to my grandma and telling her that i'm agnostic is like asking to be punched in the face. both would pretty much suck. i have enough to worry about without worrying that my grandmother is afraid i'll go to hell. she would be so incredibly sad and disappointed in me, and she loves me so much that i could never bring myself to tell her that. it's just not worth it to me.

one thing that's bad about being an agnostic is that i don't have anyone to pray to. not that i ever prayed before, but there have been a few points in the past couple of months that i've felt pretty helpless about certain bad situations, and there's really not much i can hope for with the exception of my own actions. i can see why a lot of atheists and agnostics are a little on the pessimistic side. i mean, if you believe that nothing can stop all the bad shit in the world from happening, then your outlook has to be pretty grim, right? i, for one, refuse to adopt a pessimistic view of the world just because i'm not positive that God exists.

being agnostic has also made me a little scared. i mean, what if there really is a God? i have never put that possibility down, but what if i die, and on judgement day i'm sentenced to an eternity in hell because i spent my life as a nonbeliever? obviously, that would suck. i guess i either need to be a brave nonbeliever or a wimp who pretends to believe. i'd rather be brave. if there is a god(ess), wouldn't he/she be smart enough to realize that because humans have free will, they are not so stupid that they should just accept everything written in this mysterious book? i don't know where i'm going with this. i guess it's just that religion is shoved down my throat so often, and in every aspect of society, that it's easy to think you really will go to hell if you don't believe in god(ess).

i don't really claim to believe or not believe in anything. i mean, there are scientific explanations for everything, and i believe it all, pretty much straight down to the big bang, when everything supposedly started. but how did it all really begin? why are scientific truths true at all? there has to be some aspect of miracle residing in everything. i look at a newborn baby, so tiny, and so full of possibility at the same time, having started at just a miniscule egg, and although i understand and believe all of the scientific principles behind the formation of this child, i also believe that there has to be a reason for everything. and i really mean everything, from the first microorganism to the frickin dinosaurs. science explains how it happens, and i do not deny that those processes occurred, but why do those happen the way they do, and what caused them. i guess what i'm trying to say is that even though i don't necessarily believe in a god(ess), i believe that there has to be some power higher than just science. the universe just wouldn't make any sense to me if there wasn't. i guess my goal now would be to decide what i think that power or existence or magic actually is. maybe i don't have to know. maybe i should just be content in existing. i think that's a good way to think of it.

i'm happy now...i always make good philosophical progress when i'm writing in my journal.

give me some lovin!

:: 2005 9 August :: 10.21 am
:: Music: some song by some guy

end of summa summa summa time
well, it's getting to be the end of summer. i'm sad because it means that i have to go back to class soon, but i'm pumped because it means i get to go back to ann arbor soon! i am soooo sick of living in this house it's not even funny. only about three more weeks of the annoying people.

the only thing i'm worried about when i go back to school is money. since i have to pay my own rent and my parents won't be able to help me out that much, i'm just crossing my fingers that i'll have enough to make rent every month.

i get my wisdom teeth out on friday. i'm kinda freaked out about it. the idea of me being unconscious while some guy takes a knife to my mouth scares me a little bit. plus, the idea of having blood in my mouth all day makes me nauseous.

yesterday was the most disgusting day ever at the kpool. two kids pooped in it, another one was gushing blood into it, and another one threw up in it. it was quite the eventful day. we had to close twice. i've been lifeguarding there like every single day, which is sooooo boring i want to gauge my eyes out. i need to find a better job for next summer. preferrably something that pays me like 50 bucks an hour.

anyways, i can't wait to go back to school. 1313 state street is gonna be awesome! practices will probably suck, but they sucked last year and i didn't die, so i'm not too worried about it. plus, starting this monday i'll be doing doubles six days a week until i leave to go to school, so i should be in at least pretty decent shape when iget back.

hmmm i can't think of anything else to write about, so that's it.

give me some lovin!

:: 2005 27 July :: 9.27 pm
:: Mood: confused
:: Music: dane cook - harmful if swallowed

just thinking...
here's a synopsis of my feelings...i couldn't put them into complete poetic form.

you're in a bad place, but you make me feel good. this dangerous attraction makes me shiver. . . with longing or with fear, i'm not sure. you terrify me and make me smile. my compatibility with your inherent nature makes me quick to see a halo on your head, but looking at the space around you wakes me up. i can see the broken glass and daggers fresh with glinting blood, jagged edges waiting to pierce my skin, waiting to hurt me and make me share your scars. i know you didn't lay this waste around you, and you want out as badly as you want me in. it was someone else who pressed pain into your soul, indifferent as they placed you inside an inescapable sphere where you could only run into walls. i want to pull you out and introduce you to my world, but here's the question: is taking a chance on you worth the mess i'll have to clean up along the way?

give me some lovin!

:: 2005 28 June :: 9.08 pm
:: Mood: content
:: Music: sex and the city theme song

welcome back, welcome back, welcome back
i haven't written anything in sooooo long. i had a virus on my computer...i felt like i was missing a limb. didn't think i needed a computer that badly, but it turns out i was wronnng. i don't know what i need it for exactly, but i do.

anyways, i've begun the two and a half month period where kennedy aquatic center owns my soul. i worked 60 hours last week, plus the ten or so hours i spent swimming there in the mornings. fun times. at least i'll have the cash to pay for my apartment next year. speaking of which, i haven't talked to anyone in ann arbor in soooooo long. i feel detatched from them. i'm gonna give them a call and go out in a weekend or two, cause i miss them.

it's so weird how completely different the two halves of my life are. there is not one aspect of my life now that is similar to the way it is when i'm at school. i like both parts, but they're just so different i can't choose which one i like better.

so i have bronchitis. it f-ing sucks, man. i coach kids four hours a day, and i'm always yelling, so basically that doesn't work. i can't stop coughing, i have no voice, and i'm congested. bret let me go home from work today so that i could go see the doctor, who put me on a z-pak. hopefully i'll be feeling better soon so i can get back into the swing of things. the doctor told me that i'll get pneumonia if i keep going to practice. i'm pissed. i need to work out. i'm gonna go tomorrow and if it gets too hard, i'll just slow down and swim some easy stuff.

everything with tsc's going smoothly. i've only been bitched out by like three crazy overprotective parents, and the kids are swimming pretty well. coaching 25 hours a week isn't exactly my idea of a fun time, but i feel like there could be worse jobs.

like lifeguarding. it's so damn boring. i can't stand still for eight hours a day. it pretty much makes me have ADD that i never had before. on the good side, i'm getting a good tan. three people complimented me on it at the doctor's office today.

wellll i'm gonna go back to sex and the city, sooo that's it for now.

give me some lovin!

:: 2005 27 May :: 2.16 am
:: Mood: confused
:: Music: eagles-desperado

i've been really slacking on the journal writing lately. and i've found that i've been a little less happy in general. i think the two are correlated. i don't usually talk about anything too deep or private on here, but i feel like by putting all of my little useless thoughts down, i have more room for the bigger ones. i've been having major anxiety lately. i think it's just because i have so many thoughts running through my head. who knows.

i've been on a major health kick. i used to eat late at night all the time...junk food and stuff. now i don't at all, and i've been going to practice, doing abs, and running pretty much every day. gotta get ready for that triathlon, baby! i really need to work on the running, though. right now i'm at about 3.5 miles a day, and the triathlon i'm doing ends with a five mile run. the 3.5 is quite enough for me to handle, but i'm pretty confident that by july i'll be a lean, mean, triathlon-owning machine.

i really need to get a bike. since i've never done this triathlon before, i'm not sure if it's gonna be crazy hardcore topple-headfirst-over-a-cliff mountain biking or just one of those rigorous-type rides with a couple hills and whatnot. we'll see what happens.

i've been coaching tsc every day, which is kind of fun. it's weird having a higher place in the tsc heirarchy. not that that entails much power or anything, but i like the responsibility. this weekend is memorial day weekend, and you know what that means, kids: the k-pool opens! for the fifth year in a row, memorial day weekend marks the beginning of summer and the end of my life.

once everyone's outta school and the pool is open everyday, i'm gonna be there like 87 hours a day. starting at like 5 in the morning. fuck.

my family is driving me insane. i'll break down each member and what they are doing to annoy the hell out of me. well....not counting my dad. he's the only one i haven't wanted to kill since i've been home. we'll start with my mom. you'd think that after living with me for 18 years she'd realize that i'm a sarcastic person. i make fun of other people for being idiots. i make fun of myself for being an idiot. i say things that i don't mean, with an obviously sarcastic and not serious tone. i don't know. i like to joke around. my mom seems to think that i'm all of a sudden being mean to her. and then she gets pissed. yells at me.'s just not worth my time to argue back. i feel much less the subject of my parents' authority, too. something about being away from them for the past year makes it very hard to take anything they say seriously. anyways, moving on. kyle. god, he is stupid. and so are his friends. just total dumbasses. immature. i am sick of having hormonally raging teenage boys sitting in my living room, eating all my food, farting and talking about getting wasted. ugh. they are just dumb and annoying. haha. i love my brother, but sometimes the things that come out of his mouth are ridiculous. finally, max. the newly turned seven-year-old has decided to adopt a new voice. actually he has just turned his whining voice into his all the time voice. it's so fucking annoying i want to hurt someone. he literally whines constantly. nothing can make him stop. ever. and god forbid he doesn't get exactly what he wants. then he'll just cry. basically the same whiny tone just with tears. i think my parents have become immuned to it over the past year, because they don't say anything about it. all i know is, if my kid ever whines at me like that, he's gonna get NOTHING that he asks for. NOTHING. once again, i love my family, but i cannot stand living with them anymore.

which brings me to my major point. i hate trenton. i hate the high school gossip, i hate the parents who take part in it, i hate the spoiled, ignorant kids who think they know everything cause they're in high school, and that means you know everything. i hate that there is nothing to fricking do around here besides sitting around with the same five people and getting wasted. not to say that i don't drink or party, cause i did all the time while i was at school, but if you're just gonna sit in a room and drink beers to get drunk with your two friends, it's retarded.

it's funny, because i want to get out of trenton so badly and go back to ann arbor, but i also really don't want to go back to ann arbor. for some reason, i can kick the crap out of myself when i work out alone, but when i have to do it, twice a day, every day, i get really depressed and my body breaks down. last year was an intro for me, and i'd never trained like that before, so it was really hard on me. this year's gonna be just as difficult, if not harder, and a lot more competitive. not that i was ever able to compete much with most of the girls anyways, but i'm not sure how much more intensity i can take. if it's the same as last year was, then fine, i can do it. i just don't know how hard it has to be before i'll fall apart. last year at this time, i was having a similar mental conversation, wondering whether or not i would be able to handle what lied ahead of me, and i could. so, i guess i should just keep my head up and know that i can do it.

but i don't want the stress of swimming and school at the same time. i wish i could drop out. in europe, kids take a "gap year" after graduation, where they travel, or do missionary work, or whatever it is that helps them find themselves. i wish we had that. i could really use a break. my head is exploding with thoughts, and i go from hardcore self-motivation to totally unmotivated within minutes. i dunno what's going on with me.

so, i'm supposed to get my wisdom teeth pulled next friday, but i doubt it's gonna happen. why? because my consultation with dr. bliss revealed that the removal of these teeth would cost a nice, tidy 1300 dollars. screw that. i cannot afford that, my parents cannot afford that. we cannot afford that. it's at times like these that i wish i was filthy rich. then 1300 dollars wouldn't even matter.

speaking of money, i need to make some. a lot of it. this summer. hopefully by the end of the summer i'll have earned around 5000 bucks. hopefully. and if i make more, that would be even better. my life seems to be dominated by the threat of poverty, or maybe to put it better, by the prospect of wealth. i want so badly not to have to worry about money. it would just make everything so much simpler.

anyways, i think i've gotten enough out of my brain for one night. i feel better already.

<3 samantha

2 hugs | give me some lovin!

:: 2005 6 May :: 2.10 am
:: Mood: sleepy
:: Music: steve miller band- space cowboy

i dunno
i don't know exactly what i'm writing about. i guess i feel like i should since i haven't written anything in a while. i have a lot of thoughts swimming around in my head whenever i don't write.

i've been home almost two weeks now. it was really boring at first, because there was nothing to do, but this week was a little busier. i started working and swimming, which was definitely a good thing, because i needed to get my lazy booty up and do something productive. i'm gonna go for my first run tomorrow morning...we'll see how that goes.

i leave tomorrow afternoon to babysit my aunt suzy's kids for five days. i'm sort of looking forward to a little getaway from trenton, but on the same note, all my friends are starting to come home from school, so i want to see them. oh well. there'll be time for that.

while i'm babysitting, i pretty much won't have access to a pool, which sort of bums me out. that's the first time i've been able to say that in a while. i really enjoyed training this week. granted, i'm out of shape and my stroke definitely looks like garbage, but i feel really good about myself when i get out of the pool after a workout. plus, these are pretty much a piece of cake compared to what i did up at school all year, so i get a little lift in self confidence.

i've also decided that i'm over the "does he or doesn't he like me?" crap. it's so juvenile. basically i'm going to tell people how i feel about them, including friends and family, because i want to be able to be honest all the time. i wish other people wouldn't tiptoe around their feelings so much or put up this cocky front, because it doesn't make anything any easier for anyone. i'm over caring what people think of me. i think this year of school really helped me to realize that as long as i have the people i love and my goals, i don't need anything else. sooooo i'm back to the basics. i like clean slates.

give me some lovin!

:: 2005 26 April :: 2.25 am
:: Mood: sleepy
:: Music: billy joel-the longest time

lotsa stuff
so i guess i have a lot to talk about...considering i haven't written much lately. i'm just gonna post a bunch of random thoughts of mine.

i moved back home yesterday. well, not completely, but i brought most of my stuff back and am now residing in good ole t-town. it's weird sleeping in my own bed. taking into consideration the fact that my room has been relocated in the basement, i'd say that it's not much better than the dorms. it's always chilly down there and i have to sleep with like ten ginormous blankets to prevent freezing. i guess i won't have to worry about that once summer comes, though.

i already miss my ann arbor friends. normally i can find people who want to go out on a monday night, but at home there's absolutely nothing to do. not to mention the fact that practically the only people here right now are still in high school and have bedtimes. what are those? i don't know.

i really really really don't want to start work for the summer. i feel like it's never going to end, and until i realize what i want to do with my life, it's going to suck as well. i have my choice of academic possibilities, but nothing academia-related is interesting to me. i would do well as peter gibbons from office space. when asked what he'd do if he had a couple million dollars, he said he'd do nothing. that's what i would do, too. i mean, i'd socialize with my friends and everything, but no job interests me, regardless of salary. i just don't want to do one. i sound like such a spoiled brat, but i've been working a lot since i was 14, and i'm already sick of it. i need to find something that i'm passionate about so that i can stop worrying about my major. it seemed like i had to much time to choose, but now it's getting closer and closer, and i really feel like i should know by now. ugh.

weather lately has been crazy. it was in the 80's on tuesday, yesterday there were 4 inches of snow, and today it's all melted and 65 degrees. michigan is the only place i know of that i can wear a bikini and a winter jacket in the same week. nuts.

i am soooooooo excited for everyone to come home. i miss everyone so much, and i just want to see them a couple of times before i sell my soul to employment.

i'm about to start training my butt off tomorrow. it's not gonna be pretty, but by the time i do a triathlon, i want to be in amazing shape. hopefully it'll work out.

schoooooool is over, and i might have gotten all a's this semester!!!!! yay. that would be amazing, and i would be so proud of myself.

i either need to find something to keep me from boredom when it's late at night, or something that makes me go to sleep earlier, because this sitting at the computer thing isn't much fun.

speaking of which, it's way late, so i'm going to bed.

give me some lovin!

:: 2005 18 April :: 3.30 pm
:: Mood: cheerful
:: Music: maroon5- shiver


yes, you read it right. tomorrow. this is my last week in ann arbor. a little sad, but exciting at the same time. can't wait to see all my old friends from home! :)

give me some lovin!

:: 2005 9 April :: 2.09 am
:: Mood: bouncy
:: Music: tally hall- good day

just screwin around
yes, boredom. at 2 in the morning on a friday. you might be asking why i'm not completely lit right now, and the answer, my friends, is life. yes, my life is interfering with my partying.

first of all, i have practice in the morning. not that i've let that interfere too much in the past, but whatev. second, mommy's coming tomorrow to take me to get my cell phone fixed, and she's also taking home some of my stuff before i actually move back home for the summer. this means that i actually have to pack stuff. soooo i figured i might not want to be feeling the effects of a 151 binge from tonight.

third, and finally, is the list. yes, the list of crap that will ruin the next week of my life:

Monday: Philosophy homework and Spanish homework due, academic achievement banquet.
Tuesday: 7 page english paper rough draft due, 1 page english reading response due. 3:15 philosophy meeting with professor, 4:00 spanish movie in the mlb.
Wednesday: 6:30 am meeting with jim, 15 minute presentation for women's studies due, 5-6 page summative paper for women's studies due.
Thursday: english test, english homework due.
Friday: 7 page philosophy paper due, 4 page spanish paper rough draft due. swimming banquet.
Monday: final draft of spanish paper due, philosophy exam.
Wednesday: final draft of english paper due.

ask me which of these i have started. my response will surely be a four-letter word that starts with 'z' and ends with 'ero'. all of the stuff i just listed is on top of the fact that i have to go to practice (which will be my first week really getting into workouts since feb), eat meals, and sleep. oh, and by the way, it's two days before all of these due dates begin, and my mom will be here for the day tomorrow, i'm going to a baseball game with the recruit on sunday early, and sunday night i'm going to danielle's for dinner. so my time is limited to tomorrow night and sunday morning for now. fat chance of me actually doing anything in that span of time.

pretty much the next week is going to suck giant balls, but i figure it's gonna be sweet when i get to go home, get my tattoo, and do absolutely nothing for about two weeks. i need a short vacation. and who knows, maybe it'll be hot during that time so i can work on my tan. god knows i need to.

in the meantime, i need to get some rest, because i have a busy day of stuff and a busy night of beer pong tournaments ahead of me.


give me some lovin!

:: 2005 7 April :: 6.58 pm
:: Mood: optimistic
:: Music: usher-caught up

annnnd it hits me!

holy crap, i'm going home in a week and a half! i cannot believe that we're a quarter of the way through college already. it's insane. no matter how much i said i hated the dorms, i'm gonna miss my little room! i can't believe i won't ever come in here again! i feel bad for katie, cause she has to live in here by herself after i leave. bummer. exams and stuff like that are coming up...i actually only have one exam, which is awesome, but i have about fifty papers to write and projects to do instead, which is not awesome. i'm kinda glad that at least i won't have to study.

i've been trying to get back in the flow of training. i do like 35 minutes of cardio pretty much every day, and i've been pushing a massive 2000 meters in the pool most days. yeah, i know you're intimidated. it's gonna be sweet next week when i have to swim 6000 a day with CW. basically i'm going to drown. it's okay though, cause i only have to tolerate it for a week.

a week. every time i think about that phrase it blows my mind. there were so many points during season, esp in january, when i thought time was dragging onnnn and on and on. then i blink, and it's four months later. i'm proud of myself for making it through the first year. if i can just figure out what i want to do with my life or at least what i want to study, the next few years should be a piece of cake.

the weather lately has been AMAZING. it's funny how in michigan, one month can mean an 80 degree difference in temperature. literally. at the beginning of march, it was below zero some days, and yesterday it was pushing 80. it was the first time in a lonnnng while that i've been hot enough to complain about it. i love summer.

speaking of which, i can't wait to go home. i get a couple of weeks to relax before i start working a bazillion hours a week, so i'm excited about that. sometimes i do wish that i was staying for spring or summer term though. i'm gonna miss my ann arbor friends while i'm in t town. fortunately enough for me, i only live 40 minutes away, so i know i'll be making several saturday night trips up here. can't wait for summer vaycay to start!

give me some lovin! | Random Journal