::
2005 18 August :: 8.13 pm
Today always sucks when your yesterday never ended. Staying up all night until the sun reared its ugly head to welcome me into a new day of sufferance and delusion. I'm growing tired of my stagnant state. I'm afraid im becoming acustom to the feeling of pain in my stomach. I hate coming home, Yet im afraid to leave it. I'm still waiting for your word Derrik. and im off when i hear it.
IN OTHER NEWS. i packed up everything i own. except my computer ...it sits on the floor conneceted to nothing but the wall and my fingers. the desk is gone. the tv gone the everything gone. the clicking of the keys is so loud against the walls without posters....no sound....barely any light....and it feels good... im supposed to feel sickened by the fact that im done packing up everything i own and realizing that im really leaving. (MAYBE REALLY LEAVING) but god damn it feels good...and my dad is acting really nervous around me. I think hes starting to catch my drift....and thats a good thing. Im going straight to your christan hell for this but...i want nothing more than to hurt my father when i move. i want my leaving him to shatter his useless and terribly bruised heart...maybe if he used it a little more it wouldnt break so fucking easily...my ranting is done for the day and night my kids. i hate work. i hate dad. i hate the sunrise that never came today *smiles* rainy days are like shooting herion right into my brain...without the whole really bad addiction and withdrawl and fucked up mental function thing...love and hugs
~Tails
2 Beat(s) Stopped |
Stop My Beating Heart |
::
2005 16 August :: 8.31 pm
so under stacys reasuraing eyes...im packing up everything i own....so far its making me feel good cause i know it will hurt my fathers heart...and it makes me a little sad cause i keep rembering all the thigns that surround each item i pack away...but once im done...ill know if im truly old enough to leave or if i have to stay a while longer....im ready to find out. so here we go *turns around and looks at the blank walls* wow its loud in here now. ill post again once im done....new emotion.
1 Beat(s) Stopped |
Stop My Beating Heart |
::
2005 15 August :: 1.15 am
I'll try my hardest not to die alone. thats the only thing i think i really can promise anyone anymore. i cant even trust my own....wait now.....i .....i cant trust anyone but 3 friends. and i cant trust any members of my family. at all not one damn family member at all.i feel sick to my stomach all the time. ive been throwing up for the past 5 days. and i dont feel like i have a cold i just get sick to my stomach constantly. and i cant sleep. ever. i worked a ten hour day today...and i didnt care. i had no where to go. i didnt want to go home so i stayed an extra 3 hours and helped to close tonight...i just cant call this place home.its not home when you feel nervous just being home. thats my problem. i just feel nervous being here. isnt that stupid as fuck? as soon as i come home i feel nervous. i think its cause of my fucking father....and my brother. my brother worships that peice of shit called my dad. he fucking defends him everytime i am mean right back. and my brother called me liberal. and i am i suppose but he couldnt even tell me the deffiniton of what he called me....hes a fuck tart. they both are. god damnit i just need to pick the right day to leave. im stahling.....and i dont know why. i mean i can just go...just fucking go....and im waiting. waiting around for something...i dont know what. fucking help me.
7 Beat(s) Stopped |
Stop My Beating Heart |
::
2005 11 August :: 2.18 am
:: Music: Less Than Jake - Look What Happend.
I'm Gonna Miss Ya Gurl
I've made up my mind...Matt Whetzel Is Moving to detroit...gone.....forever...if this phases anyone please let me know. ill make sure ill say goodbye to everyone before i go. i wont be leaving for a least another week or so. do dont get antsy. i still have to figure out a way to explain this to dad....(thats the hard part). you may be asking yourself "why dear god whats wrong with that super hottie matt whetzel...is he sick in the head. has his perfect hair seeped into his brain and rotted a hole?" no kids. its hasnt. and thanks for noticing im hott. i didnt notice...at all. HA. i just need a huge shock to my system. and a brand new life in a brand new city is a great hell of change. starting all over again without any worrys from my father...no more shadow looming over me watching my every move. no more dark force making me do his bidding as i waste away the first year of my adult life. fuck if im not mentally stable enough for this. fuck if i get shot in the gut by some random gangster...i dont care. im ready to live MY life.
10 Beat(s) Stopped |
Stop My Beating Heart |
::
2005 10 August :: 3.46 am
GOD DAMMIT IM FUCKED UP SOMEONE HELP ME DECIDE>
stop wanting what you hate just cause its safe and comfy...start wanting the true freedom you know you want. it wont hurt to leave that bad. he wont die without you. and you hate him anyway. hell get his money back so he cant bitch about that. if he wont let you buy the car youll find another way there. take it you fucking idoit. take it. fucking stop thinking and fucking go...
Stop My Beating Heart |
::
2005 9 August :: 9.50 pm
to stay or go. id miss a few. id grow a new. to stay or to go. im thinking go...
1 Beat(s) Stopped |
Stop My Beating Heart |
::
2005 7 August :: 9.09 pm
...im falling asleep and my stomach is sick. but its all in my head. good line. relates to fucking ever day of my life. i lay awake at night with a head full of images and random thoughts and problems big or small....i dont know. i need more sleep. i need more soliace.
2 Beat(s) Stopped |
Stop My Beating Heart |
::
2005 6 August :: 2.15 am
Bull fucking bull shit
Cedar Springs- The case against a Cedar Springs student who brought mercury to school is dismissed.
In May, 18-year-old Ryan Gorter brought a small amount of liquid mercury to school to show his friend.
Police say he then dropped it in the carpet and rubbed it in with his foot.
Gorter was in Kent County Court today for his preliminary hearing, when instead a deal was made.
Gorter apologized to the court and agreed to pay for the clean-up at the school that wasn't covered by insurance. That is about $2,000.
Originally, Gorter was charged with malicious destruction of property and possession of a harmful substance. He potentially faced 10 years in prison.
Can you say fucking bullshit. apoligize to every student individually on your way to jail. that sounds a little better...i cant fucking beilive this and we thought he was actually going to suffer. why do the useless dicks always win.
13 Beat(s) Stopped |
Stop My Beating Heart |
::
2005 5 August :: 8.56 pm
bfs concert is tommrow. and its gonna rizock some hard core cizock. im so fucking amped about it am going to have so much fun with liz and josie and kelly and myself...o and that other kid (kidding i love you *hugs*) god its gonna be awsome. bought my ticket today. and its sitting there waiting to be used for hardcore rocking action.
1 Beat(s) Stopped |
Stop My Beating Heart |
::
2005 4 August :: 4.52 pm
LIZ ARTECKI!!! call my fucking cell phone now ive got great fucking news. 616-890-7655.
3 Beat(s) Stopped |
Stop My Beating Heart |
::
2005 3 August :: 3.22 am
11 hours and ... 48 mins till my hair make over. woot woot bitches. anyone else scared for me ...im peeing myself right now. check it ouwwt!. anyway maybe its time for a whole me make over. new hair new body new heart new voice. get my hair changed up, lose weight, change my veiws on the world. and speak sweeter. what do you think?
4 Beat(s) Stopped |
Stop My Beating Heart |
::
2005 2 August :: 4.23 pm
wed. complete hair make over.... get ready.
Stop My Beating Heart |
::
2005 1 August :: 4.00 am
:: Music: Romance
Odd...Like A Movie
So im looking for an extention cord in the basement. dad says "look behind all those boxes and things that were in the cupboard when we moved in" so i go down there and take all these boxes out and start looking...i come across a smaller sized box and i open it. inside is just a peice of cardboard. i pick it up and theres nothing there, but underneath it is a peice of cardboard with a black and white photo of a small baby in a dress sitting in a wicker chair. the picture is all crinkled and appears to have been spilled on at some point in time by something like a water pipe or someting cause all the cardboard holding it together is warped and cracked. this felt so werid so i picke it up and flipped it over. on the back is some cursive that appears to be a name i cant read. an underline and then some more cursive and a couple series of numbers written across the back...i dont know what it all means but it feels kinda like a movie. like i stumbled onto something of a vault code or a hidden memory from someones child hood. i ask dad if he knows what this thing is... he stares at it and says hes never seen it before and cant say it looks like anyone he knows. so i put it in my room. its sitting there. and it makes me feel really odd. i want to know why its here. why was it left. why alone in a box. why stained. why did i find it. and on my 18th birthday...is it an odd sign of something.?
4 Beat(s) Stopped |
Stop My Beating Heart |
::
2005 31 July :: 9.05 pm
.... yay im alive. im here and thats about it. go me and my amazing inability to be loved by another human being as more than a friend ! Plastic surgery might be the answer? maybe bariatric surgery for my fat fucking ass.... i dont know or i could just be completely inept when it comes to women. either way. im not really bitching cause id do something about it if it really bothered me. so yay useless post once again. wow for being indie i bitch like an emo kid. *writes sad poem* HAHA bitches.
3 Beat(s) Stopped |
Stop My Beating Heart |
::
2005 31 July :: 12.38 am
what a stupid fucking waste of my time....18 and useless. every one who is supposed to love me more than anything else are the ones that make me wanna shoot myself. i dont even want to be alive right now i really hate being this...fucking stop pushing this forward. stop. stop stop....its a good thing that all 3 of the friends i actualyl have who care to listen. are either too absorbed in someone else or too far to ever touch...it falls apart slowly..but it does it with ease.
6 Beat(s) Stopped |
Stop My Beating Heart |
|