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illusionofgaia

:: 2017 11 October :: 10.00am
:: Mood: content
:: Music: none

Better
I feel like I've been doing better lately. My depression comes less often than it used to. I miss smoking though. Also, I've been reading The Southern Reach Trilogy aka Area X and I'm enjoying the hell out of it. Hope it stays good as I get further into the book.

1 said that we will never part | and you will always have my heart


illusionofgaia

:: 2017 4 October :: 10.02pm
:: Music: Brand New - Same Logic/Teeth

Clay
As man, you rose from dirt.
As man, you are a wad of clay.

Unmolded, unsclupted.
Unbranded, unmade.

Just build. Piece by piece.
Step by step. Day by day.

As clay, you may crash and break.
But as clay, you are what you make.

-Aaron

"Goddamnit you look so lovely, but you sound, you sound, you sound so ugly."

2 said that we will never part | and you will always have my heart


illusionofgaia

:: 2017 1 October :: 11.37pm
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: Finch - Play Dead

Family
Sometimes I wonder, am I a terrible person for having so much disdain for members of my family? It isn't like I'm constantly bickering with them, or even treating them with malcontent. If anything I'm more than accommodating, constantly providing for them when they are in need and what not. However, I find myself feeling angry that I can't be selfish even when I would prefer to be. I want to leave and disconnect. To drop off their radar. It would be easy for me to find work anywhere in this country, considering my profession is in decent demand. Keep what I earn for myself, be where I want to be. Have all that I've ever wanted. But I can't. I'm too cowardly to be alone, despite always wanting to be. Maybe it isn't my family I'm angry towards, maybe I'm angry at myself and I'm projecting. I hinder my own progress because I'm weak and afraid. Always be stuck in the past, worrying about the present, fearing the future. Fuck.

and you will always have my heart


illusionofgaia

:: 2017 9 May :: 1.00am
:: Music: Le Butcherettes - Normal You Were

Vice
I've been smoking a lot again. It's becoming a habit I'm ashamed of. Before, I didn't feel too guilty. Now, I feel that if I would channel the time and money into something more productive I would feel more accomplished with my days. I spend maybe $200 a month and an hour a day on this ugly habit. That's 7 hours a week I could channel into painting, drawing, or writing. That's $1200 a year I could use to pay off some of my debt or invest into something. Let's get real though, I'm not going to. I'm a demon left to his vice. Why? Because it feels nice to ignore the world for while everyday.

2 said that we will never part | and you will always have my heart


illusionofgaia

:: 2017 6 May :: 6.53am
:: Music: At The Drive-In - Incetardis

Help, I'm Alive.
Hello woohu. Aaron here. It's been quite a while. Practically 10 years or so. Update? I'm still Asian. I'm still with Cristina. I still get frustrated with family. I continue to self loathe. What's new? Ricky and I are no longer close friends. Long hair, long gone. I don't write anymore. All I do is work.

I hope you don't mind, but I hope to write entries again. I enjoy the fact that no one knows this exists. Fuck social media.

and you will always have my heart


insomniac

:: 2006 22 October :: 11.22am

maybe i'm doing this journal thing again?
...
all the cool kids are doing it...

11, 12 days?
can meyouwe evfsdkj

i need. to stop thinking some stupid things. but it sucks to be always waiting.
lack of speaking
leads to thinking.
and how almost everything i do reminds me of othergirl who's involved.

i think a huge creature was just outside my window.

i'm using a new facewash just recently, it turns my face icy if i leave it on, and makes me think of snow and winter. i miss winter chill. even if it's always been lonely, i fell in love in(with) winter chill.

why should i be vague here, or even here at all? my thoughts aren't presented in a bow. they're fucked here.


so they are perfect. just like you. fucked and perfect.

god damn it.

i dont know what tabbs looks like. not at all.


you promised we'd talk today. but you just fell asleep.
even little things, when will you start keeping your promises?

this journal is probably pointless.

yeah. wuteva.

I love you exponentially.

and you will always have my heart


insomniac

:: 2005 9 December :: 3.43pm
:: Mood: touched

Lucky. Lucky. Lucky!
Last night Lucky invited me to go to the band holiday concert with her. We sat in the back and after a while she held out for my hand since two nights ago we acidentally fingerlocked when she was trying to blindly touch me while talking to an old lady. Lucky smells good.
She held my hand in both of hers over her lap, running her fingers over mine. I interact a little but for the most part I'm not sure of what to do. Then later her hand somehow come over to my side and I put to use what she had said earlier to her friend [her fingertips are very sensitive]. She's so into it that her arm's shaking and she's trying to keep a straight face, which amuses me.

-lucky leans over- are you laughing?
oh? no. -smile- Are you shivering?
..no.

This goes on for a while, and I found it sort of uncomfortable to be sunk down in my chair, staring at the stage and concentrating on her hand. So I sit up a bit a look down to her hand more. They responded so easily, especially when I ran my finger down her sleeve a little, then up to the tips of her fingers and back over, barely touching her. Once in a while she leans her head down on my shoulder, and asks if I minded if she kissed my cheek. I must have seemed insensive, because I just said it was 'alright'. Oh my gosh, her lips were so soft and just a little moist. So lovely. The hand menstrations continue and once again lucky kisses my cheek. Near the end of the concert she rests her head on my shoulder, then brushes her noise against my shoulder and neck. It drives me wild. I squeeze her hand a little and she moves away, then back again. Her nose moves against my cheek and I turn my head towards her's. I kinda can't see straight and my cheeks and other parts are extremely hot.

We were so close to kissing, but I can't make first moves. But if someone gets the momentum going I can dig it. I believe I'm blushing just thinking about last night. A friend of her's, Patrick, was sitting next to her, and he kept touching her leg or messing with her another way. She looked torn and chanted 'keep your mind on the girls.. no nazis' She's so silly.

I haven't gotten a chance to see/speak to her since last night, good thing it's Friday.

Lucky has a girlfriend and a tool. Then there's me, whatever I am.

I leaked at school today and had to get a change from home. I ended up staying home. School gets out in a few minutes.

and you will always have my heart


insomniac

:: 2005 21 March :: 6.11pm
:: Music: Sleeping In - Postal Service

My Sesame Street calendar says that yesterday was Big Bird's birthday, I can't believe I missed the festivities!

So a few days ago I ordered these three shirts that were on sale at threadless.com, JC Was A Streaker, He Lives By The Ocean and God Hates Techo. They're so neat, I can't wait until they come in.

So on Saturday I saw outside for a long time, drawing and doing my algebra homework while I listened to music, which I do with about everything I do. So, while I was sitting there for an hour or more, my left shoulder ends up getting burned badly along with my right shoulder. And this large patch on my upper left thigh also got burned that looks odd since it has a sharp burn line, then fades back to white after about six inches. Hopefully it won't peel and get nasty since I've been putting Solarcaine on it every few hours. Good stuff.

Today, in Ms Blanco's class, we had to write a five paragraph narrative using the fifteen rudimentery vocabulary words that she makes up copy the deffinition of. So Hope, Mogn, DJ and I were going to be in a group, but she says that it's three to a group even though all of the desks are moved into groups of four. So she moves DJ. Ididoth. Anyway, our story ends up being about this crazy guy named Morgan who goes into fruit-rehab because he stole some diced peaches from this five year old on a field trip. Then he breaks out and assimilates a rag-tag group of 'ittle tykes to cause anarchy and whatnot. Then the D-O-L-E Dole corperate boss-man gets mad at the rioters and chaos ensues. But Morgan starts this, like, fruit company comparable to Willy Wonka's. But Mr. Green Giant doesn't like that, but Morgan hands out golden foil fruit cups and everything ends in a warm and squishy way.
Ben, Rachel and Travis' group did something about a Lolli-pop king named Shelby. Ha.

I plan on finishing Mossflower before Sunday is over with. I mean, if I had the time it could be finished in a day or two.. but everyone knows ima hypocrite.

No school on Friday, which means that's the beginning of meh spring break. Which I will make sure to get off of my ass and do stuff. Gramma said she might take me on an online shopping spree, since I find the Duval stores pretty redundant and repulsive.

"...And his fruit cravings are sensationalized!"- Mogn

and you will always have my heart


insomniac

:: 2005 15 March :: 7.16pm
:: Mood: ehh
:: Music: Tiny Vessels - DCFC

Last Friday was a half-day, I walked towards my mum's shop with Hope, DJ and Mogn. DJ parted after a block since his house is there, then Mogn followed Hope and I into my mum's store. After a few minutes she said good-bye and continued forth to her grandma's.

Oh. and we frolic-d.

Then Hope and I got some sodas because we were thirsty [aren't we clever?] then blazed the trail towards Hope's house. We passed a dirty Mexican on the way who eye-raped us and a half-drunk man wanting the number for a cab.
This isn't the quaint little town you see in the postcards.

When we finally made it to Hope's aparment building [she was exsausted] we sat by the pool and dunked our feet in and slammed our hands down on the surface like the fools we are. Then Hope retrieved some toy dolphin and orca water pistols from her room and we played around and had loads of fun. We couldn't find the large-headed, steak-eating fluff kittens that Hope was telling be about before, but a good time was still had.

Then we went to her house and played Kakio Drum Master for like an hour or something and watched a little bit of the first episode of Arested Development.

Scott's younger brother Nick and his girlfriend Ashley stayed for the pior week and they were great. So that Friday night was their last day here so we all, including Hope, went to Benihana. The food was alright as usual, but Hope was fuming the whole time. Apparently Japanese salads are not made with Romain lettuce. And the jokes they make there are ignorant and insulting even to me, a totally non-Japanese person.
The fried rice was made right and we ate our ice cream with our chopsticks [omigee, i totally forgot the japanese word for it! >< sorry!] , for those who wished to know.

I have a new computer wallpaper, it's real pretty.

I deleted my PSP7 since Hope got me a copy of her like fotoshop-something. But I haven't gotten to install it yet, so the new layout that I'm inspired to create will have to wait.

And while she stayed at my house we pretty much just played DDR, Katamari Damacy and complained about how much my computer fucking blows.

She might give me one of her's, since she has like five sitting in her room. <33333333

and you will always have my heart


insomniac

:: 2005 10 March :: 8.53pm
:: Music: VH1's 100 Most Wanted Bodies

stole from someone
Oy, you all better fill this out and reply! D:<

What Would You Do If:
< I died from natural causes:
< I said I liked you:
< I kissed you:
< I lived next door to you:
< I started smoking:
< I stole something:
< I was hospitalized:
< I ran away from home:
< I got into a fight and you weren't there:
What Do You Think About My:
< Personality:
< Eyes:
< Hair:
< Family:
Would You:
< Be my friend?:
< Keep a secret if I told you one?:
< Hold my hand?:
< Take a bullet for me?:
< Keep in touch?:
< Try and solve my problems?:
< Love me?:
< Date me?:
Have You Ever
< Lied to make me feel better?:
< Wanted to kiss me?:
< Wanted to kill me?:
< Broke my heart?:
< Kept something important from me?:
< Thought I was unbearably annoying?:
And More:
< Who are you?
< Are we friends?
< When and how did we meet?
< Describe me in one word.
< What was your first impression?
< Do you still think that way about me now?
< What reminds you of me?
< If you could give me anything what would it be?
< How well do you know me?
< When's the last time you saw me?
< Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
< Are you gonna put this on yours to see what I say about you?

1 said that we will never part | and you will always have my heart

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