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:: 2005 16 June :: 12.00 am
:: Mood: mellow
:: Music: For My Pain -- Autumn Harmony

Together Sleeping The Endless Dream. . .
This will be the first night I spent at home since June 3rd. I don't spend a lot of time here -- plenty of reasons. Not wanting to be involved in or witness those 'family problems' you hear so much about, not wanting to have to look around at my bleak room walls -- a reminder of how unmotivated I am, not wanting to be pestered or annoyed (which lately, I have had the shortest temper but only at home)... right now, the only plus of being here is that this girl who strictly spends time with me just to use my phone has no reason to use said privilege when I am at home. It's cool.

I saw several missed calls from her earlier, along with one from my sister, and had assumed they were hanging out and wanted me to join their little get-together. No thank you. Later she called half an hour 'til midnight and asked if she could speak to so-and-so. Well, so-and-so isn't here, HAH. She sounded pretty sad, and if I didn't give much of a damn I may have felt bad. Hm.

Naw, I'm actually ok and pretty caring right now.. err.. sort of. I've had the habit of seriously losing concern about many things when I get online to write something, or enter a chat place, or email.. wherever communication is concerned I lose the spark in me that says I'm alive and I care. Just those online moods... I'll get myself psyched up to play Counter-Strike later... mmmmm DEATHMATCH. Addictive little server.

Here.. we are.. in the maelstrom of love, waiting for the calm to soothe our hearts. Here.. we are.. and don't know how to stop.. waiting for the war to end it all. Love is insane and, baby, we are too.

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:: 2005 10 June :: 9.08 pm

Birthdays Come And Birthdays Go...
So, yea, it was my birthday yesterday. Coolcool. Jonathan went all out and truly created a night to remember -- more of the things that only confirm why we're going to get married. Everything's pretty picture-perfect with us.

Counter-Strike, Counter-Strike! I'm getting good.

Went to Players restaurant. Funfun. Today has gone slow and I feel sick but it's cool, because I'm old.

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:: 2005 28 May :: 5.54 pm
:: Music: Korn -- Here it Comes Again

Pounding, it starts again.. hurting, oh where do I begin?
My boyfriend is up in Utah as I write this. Right now I feel pretty lonely, but I really shouldn't think about it much.. hum hum.

So, I've been downloading some of the songs he listens to. Great to see I'm keeping my mind off him. I told him not to call me so he can have as much fun as possible there (without minimal distractions, like myself). But everything is awesome between us. I am just overly sad right now. This has to be the way he felt when I took all my possessions from his house to mine. I told him, "It's not like we're breaking up." And that's precisely what he told me today, but I still couldn't get around my emotions. It was kind of odd.

Work is stagnant right now, until whenever someone decides to call me in. Which, also, is no problem for me. I'm pretty set financially, or at least to a place where I feel comfortable for now, so money isn't a major worry on my mind. A lot of co-workers pitched in for lottery tickets and everyone seemed too optimistic. It was as though they were convinced that they were the one-in-a-million. Who knows. If they win, congratulations, good for them. All of the ones that talked to me said they would quit if they won the money. Had I pitched in, and if I won some lottery money, I think I'd stay. On top of that, I'd like to work in a bookstore, too, which pays pretty poorly but it would be nice. I always wanted to work in a bookstore.

I bought two shirts off eBay, and they came in the other day. I was very pleased with them both, but the shipping was pretty lame. I paid $10 and on the package it said shipping was a mere $1.52. Anyway..

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:: 2005 20 April :: 10.41 pm
:: Music: Fatamarse - Bump To The Music

Sweet Liberty.. OOOOH
Finally found this song and downloaded it, although it has been remixed and is not-as-good. Whatever works.

I was invited last night to head back to my sister's place and hang with her roomies. Particularly, I'm looking forward to hanging out with the cool guy I mentioned in the last entry -- who's name is so glorious I refuse to drop it. There will also be a guy named Joey, who was looking forward to seeing me. Hum. Seven months ago I might have been interested. This is the good looking, hat-wearing Irish guy I told my boyfriend about before we even started dating. The same one he was losing confidence over to ask me out. The same one I no longer have a fascination or even a slight interest in now. Hum. It's just the thought that he still likes me that bothers me heading over there, with the knowledge that he will be present. I told my boyfriend about the awesome-named guy though. I don't know if it's healthy in relationships to mention new friends of the opposite sex, but I feel better when he knows who I hang around with. Even though most of the people at my sister's place make a poor habit at being clean, which I also confessed.

I recently went through a terrible misunderstanding involving my boyfriend's family, which I have subsequently avoided these past few days -- after being in their presence for almost two straight weeks. Today I told my boyfriend exactly what was bothering me, which I should've said from the start to avoid all this confusion. Had I known he'd question his family about my problems I definitely would not have spoken up. Now I hear they're asking for me to visit or else they'll all feel bad -- but truthfully I'm still too stressed about all of it to even want to go back there. I was invited to a Royal's game with the family, undoubtedly as an apology and another invitation to be more interactive with the family, which I had to decline.

I've been so stressed and upset lately I swear it's not healthy in the standard sense of healthy -- which I typically consider normal. I haven't been getting much sleep (can't say that I have a desire to), I've lost my appetite, I'm hating everything a pinch more than usual, and I'm avoiding people I know I care about. The only highlight I recall this week was a large paycheck and getting to spend it on things that cheer me up: books.

Thinking of it now.. during this time I have improved as a person. Despite all that I have mentioned in the previous paragraph, I have been arriving to work on time and usually earlier, taking my breaks a few minutes late and shorter, working harder instead of the usual half-assing and finishing earlier, and some days leaving earlier. Yesterday I left five minutes early. There was no real reason to it, I just didn't want to be there. That's about $1.10 more I could have had, but don't care for. Ridiculous, isn't it?

And last night, after a few days of not touching Counter-Strike, I went to a clan server I spend a lot of time on and somehow everything made sense to me. I was aiming better, reacting faster, and overall being a more efficient terrorist, heh. My score was 20/9, I was leading the team score and the Counter-Terrorist score. My mind was boggled. One moment I recall, the bomber was camping by a doorway and was saying something in their mic -- which I usually don't listen to. When I realized they were talking to me, they had already given up and began to make fun of me for not listening. Whatever, I thought, and so I escort them to the bomb site for they seemed to have trouble making it there under no-fire. That's when I see a CT camping behind a corner, and I hear a warning of his position in the mic. My first reaction? Well, shoot him. I killed him and the bomber stopped and said, "Oh, well ok." and then proceeded to plant the bomb. They didn't make fun of me anymore after that, pfft. When I asked my boyfriend to join the server he reminded me that the clan had banned him, and so I left. He was banned for putting his mouse sensitivity really high and was spinning around in circles firing at the ceiling -- dieing in the process because he had no aim. That apparently was classified as hacking, for only hackers can move that fast. Stupidasses.

You know what? I am cynical.

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:: 2005 19 April :: 10.24 pm

What great names great people do have.
Last night I met a guy, whose name I wouldn't know until later the next day (or, now). It was at my sister's place, and this would happen to be the brother of one of her roomies. She told me to bring some of my artwork to show this guy, but I never took a second to think he might be.. well, awesome. In fact, he is the coolest person I've met and connected with so quickly. I felt drawn towards his unusual charisma. I can't seem to explain my thoughts very well, but he's someone I'd love to hang out with more. Many of his deep thoughts parralled mine, and so much more seemed to be that simple answer I've been searching for and needing to hear. Answers I could not manage to find on my own -- and answers I seemed to have given in return for his uncertainties.

I just received a message from him now extending an invitation from the other roommates and himself for my siblings and I to come visit again. I feel pretty enthused. I find it even more admirable that this guy, unlike other 'friends' I've known for years, will still be interested in a friendship even if I mention my boyfriend several times in a conversation. Awesome. I felt it was important for any new person I befriend, especially of the opposite gender, to know from the start that I am not single, and I am happy. It seems to make things more easygoing.

You know what? I was going to wait until later this summer when he'd have his birthday, but I think I'll go ahead and bring my Element deck, truck and wheels, for him to have. I'd love to see him skate.

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:: 2005 11 April :: 10.59 pm

Jones Soda Fortune of the Day: Your luck will completely change today.
I had an entry time-consumingly written out in all it's pessimistic splendour, and lost it just as quick when my laptop decided it needed to restart. However, I'm actually glad it happened because the very thing I was writing about was resolved soon after. I got the chance to talk with a great friend of mine that I've been painfully missing the past several months. Even though we didn't say a whole lot it was refreshing and wonderful, and I'd love to talk to him again soon.

Tonight I was feeling pretty accomplished as well. I finally got off my lazy ass (and walked three feet across my room) to set up my printer/scanner/copier that I purchased in November. I recall not setting it up the night I bought it because of a technical difficulty, which amuses me because it took less than five minutes to set up tonight. I printed and scanned a few things, which I am very happy with, even though the quality sucks major ass. I only bought it to print sketches to revise (being the perfectionist) so I wouldn't ruin the original drawings, and this shite product does just enough and especially nothing more.

Next thing on my agenda (what.. an agenda?) is to catch up on HTML, JScript, and strangely enough: LPC. Especially now that I set up my shitprinter I can draw images for websites and just shitscan them onto my computer. That will give me an excuse to work with PhotoShop 7 some more.

Well, I'm cutting this entry short so I can take a well-deserved shower.

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:: 2005 10 April :: 12.53 am

I've got nothing better to do right now ARRRRG
Played Counter-Strike for some consecutive hours now and I'm feeling.. well.. lifeless. I spent over a hundred dollars on munchies and soda for this weekend, I'm not even joking. But it's all good, I'm pretty happy with it, it'll definitely last a long time.. and it was all for Counter-Strike binges. Heh. What a loser..

I didn't even think I was becoming better until I played the career mode and easily went through the bots. I was satisfied.

I keep making mental plans to start practicing sewing, but then I end up not sewing because of something else. I just want to experiment and see how much custom clothes makes on eBay, because from what I see it makes a lot. Heh.

Well.... yea.

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:: 2005 6 April :: 1.36 am

Perhaps a new layout is in order.
As the subject boldly states, ahem, I probably should improve the look of this layout. These days the appearance is more important to me than the content. It's the appearance that keeps me entertained. Probably, because I no longer enter anything of value in this journal.

After this entry, I'll have you know, I intend to play Counter-Strike and see what my ping will be like now that I'm home. The past few days I've been camping elsewhere and mooching of said-elsewhere's wireless. That wasn't too bad. I'd call it free but, while I'm using theirs, I'm still paying for the unused internet at home. And, while theirs is decent, mine is twice as fast.

Caught up with an old English buddy today. Even seems I got a special proposal when and if I ever decide to buy a silly little Ford Escort Cosworth. Which I won't. But if I did, I'd only buy it to give to this person. It apparently means a whole hell of a lot to them and a whole hell of nothing to me.

Despite being incredibly late for work and running out of gas in my car (two separate events), my day has been pretty well off. I am strangely happy to be home and sitting here, now, typing when I should be sleeping. I need to be up for work in five hours. I need to wash my uniform. I still need to fill my tank up with gas. Right now I'm running on four and a half gallons that a friend graciously filled for me. It's been a long time since I ever felt that nice feeling inside.. you may know of it.. when you need a hand and someone is there for you without hesitation; without question, other than where you are and what you need. And the funny thing is, I hadn't considered this friend to be a good friend. We were just buddies, really, nothing solid. But, today I definitely felt otherwise, and I'll really be more appreciative of them in the future. Or try to. We still are both assholes to each other in good jest.

We planned to play Counter-Strike today, but I went to Taco Bell instead. Yea, what an ass..

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:: 2005 31 March :: 7.55 pm

Musical Clean-Up
Decided to delete songs and also decided to post their lyrics up when they have been removed from my computer. First one:

Emm Gryner

Fetching Decay
Reason For Download
Searching for sad songs

Need you to be the cancer that swallows me
All my mates decided drowning was much better than me
Fuck it all I say
They'll be sorry in the end, in the end
So help me vanish
Help me get myself out of here, out of here

Wait, I wouldn't leave without celebrating
Your birthday in the middle of July
Can't believe you wanna have me
Been wading through this bucket of lies

Fuck 'em all I say
They'll be sorry when the star buries the girl
So help me vanish
Help me get myself out of here, out of here

It might be a good vacation
I don't know.. out of here, out of here

Other deletions came to a total of fifty plus songs, giving back .2 GB.

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:: 2005 22 March :: 1.05 am

Insomnia invites a deep sense of hallucinogenic security.
Ah, yes, the only times I seem to post updates here are either completely inconvenient or at untimely hours of the lonely night. In this case, I'd say the reason to be both -- I have work in a few hours and it's just past my hour of birth. Had I spent more hours being educated in sociology I'd suggest being up at this time to be a social deviance; however, I personally don't feel insomnia can single-handedly rule out people in a crowd to be said deviants for said sole reason.

And why am I still up? Insomnia, right? Yes. But, also the troubles of the sane mind are at work, at this time, as usual. There are so many insignificant little problems circling my mind, tracing my resolves with sardonic grins and a greatest annoyance uncalled for. A tailgater in particular has caused me some grief. Two friends are currently causing another. My comfort level with myself is dwindling, subsequently making my social comfort level deteriorating just as troublesomely. And no one notices, as usual. Not even the one person I am the most close to. Tonight I had to inform this friend what has been bothering me these past few days, and they never even suspected a thing was wrong the whole time. It's not as though I try to hide a problem, so I really can't figure out why no one ever knows.

I feel like I'm breaking down. Sometimes I wish, perhaps, my exterior would show a little of my pain so that some one will take notice, and maybe even care. Isn't that a sad thought? It's hard to come to terms with how I can feel this way, like everything is falling apart, when I have someone to trust who will trust me back. I do have someone who cares for me, and they mean a whole hell of a lot to me. So why do I feel this way?

Would having one more person who honestly cares about me make me feel relieved? No. I practically groan like a banshee at the question of why I don't own simpler emotions. I often tell people straight-forward advice, and many times they will tell me, "It's not that simple." I wish I could have their problems, in that case. Everyone elses' problems always seem a whole lot easier to figure out than your own, hasn't anyone else noticed that? Pretty sure it's that factor called sentiment, or even emotion. Because I care about a friend, I can't ask them to give me space to sort out my headaches. Because two friends are making a mistake, I can't tell them what's what lest they might see me as not a friend at all. And normally that's not even a problem, but I work with one and see the other almost on a daily basis. Then there's my sister, who my relationship recently has dwindled to more of an acquaintanceship for stupid remarks, but it was the type of snide comments that do hit me pretty hard. I honestly can't look at her the same again, she's less than a sister to me now. My other sister is also losing favor with me by hurting her unborn child, and preaching the whole time that what she does has no effect on the child's health. I often wonder why I was placed in this family. There is no love here. Just a few strangers in a broken house, that's all we are. In the past few months I've stayed at a friend's house most of the time. My weekends are always spent there, and now half of my week on top of that. Is it sad that I feel more loved in this friend's home? Because I do.

I don't know where I was going with this post, but I'm tired now. And Counter-Strike calls.

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:: 2005 17 March :: 9.46 pm

Happy St. Patrick's Day!
Today is wonderful, because it's my favorite holiday. My stripey green socks concur.

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:: 2005 20 February :: 7.46 pm

Face the world outside my safe shell, I must face reality for once. I've never felt the passion of a warm life..
I've got great news for those interested: After an hour of dedication and instruction-reading I have set up my very first wireless router. Yea, big achievement, I know.

Anyway, this means I'll be online more and catching up with friends I presumedly left hanging. It'll also mean I'll probably be spending money on online purchases.

While writing this I ashamedly was also browsing movies on and found this line to be rather amusing.

"...Samuel L. Jackson: is there another action in America today who curses as well as this guy? Every time he swears it comes across as character development rather than profanity..." --Lawrance M. Bernabo

Up until reading that line and finding it said-amusing, I didn't care much for the actor at all.

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:: 2005 30 January :: 5.31 pm

We are like the living dead, craving for deliverance.. with a frozen heart and a soul on fire.
I haven't had luck with internet the last few weeks. Those few who know my cell phone number are welcome to send a message or two, BUT NO MORE OR DEATH SHALL BE SLOW AND SADISTIC.

Unless you're important, then I'll accept any insurmountable sum of messages. But you're not. Important people don't read online journals.


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:: 2005 3 January :: 12.53 pm

Searching for reasons why time passes by..
Just another post it seems, but this time around there is much more content harboring in my mind. Content I don't feel necessary to mention to get across the way that I feel now -- pretty good. And, yet, mildly perturbed at recent events.

However, to try to explain my slight happiness: Christmas gifts included a television, DVD player, mobile desk for my laptop, samurai sword set with rack, and Celtic tarot cards, among so much more. I have yet to set up, or open any of those gifts. They are all lying on my room floor. Untouched. I even received one of those nifty body pillows (as a joke to substitute the lack of boyfriends in my life), which came with a velvety pillow case. Yet, even that, I have only slept with twice since Christmas.

Suffice to say: I have been that happy. I'm hardly home these days, my mother complains about missing my face.. which I have yet to believe. A lady at work has been persistent about having me live with her in her newly paid for and relatively expensive apartment. Which is about a three minute drive, or a twenty minute walk away from my current residence. To that I say, Hellllll no.

Sure, I'll get privacy that I can't say I'll find at home. But, being that I've hardly been home much at all these days, I don't see that as a problem anymore. And so I am content. And so I've been saving up a good sum of money since working for my new-ish job of three months. I'll probably sign up for college in the spring, or fall if I spent too much money by then. Then signing up for college means I am placed under my father's insurance, which will be quite alright with me.

I'm going to finish up a wallpaper, look for some first aid, and then snatch the Counter Strike disc in front of me and install it onto my computer. Heh... even though the computer right next to me is all set to go. But it's not mine. ;)

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:: 2004 28 August :: 8.28 pm

If happiness were a two-foot thorn in my side I'd wear it with a grin.
I am almost surprised at my eagerness to detail this long lost happiness, that I call good music. Yesterday the two most now-officially amazing people showed me an absurdly incredible view into the most entrancing music I have ever heard. This shit ruins Audioslave's shit, I'm so sorry to say.

I felt pretty worthless to society when I found out Epica's female vocalist, Simone Simons, is actually younger than I. Damnness. I keep wondering what she'll sound like in a few more years, surely she'll still be singing.

With good music not much else seems to matter. It keeps me in a good, slow mood. And I was beginning to have a good, slow time, especially for being up so early in the day and my headphones being fucked up. Then a girl on MSN starts small conversation with me, she's someone I met over at Lost Legends. I told her I'd be leaving soon to head towards the "city" with my family (somewhere I don't go often, living in a city-less town) and she types in a frown. Thinking she was upset because I was leaving so soon and last night didn't go well, I apologized, and she types in, "you can't help it that you have a better family than i". If words could bitch slap I was looking for them.

I woke up very unpleasantly this morning for reasons out of my control. I wanted to verbally throttle this girl for making such a fucking dumb comment. It's not even about what's wrong with me. I'm more unnerved that she'd somehow assume that any family that goes anywhere together is your average, cookie-cutter Partridge family. And that because her family doesn't invite her to a four hour trip once every three months that she's somehow being overly mistreated.

Now that irks me.

The more I think of it the more it angers me. I shouldn't have even let that get to me the way it did, I know it wasn't worth it.

So, as you may have forgotten by now, I did go to the "city" and would it be surprising to know I had moderate fun? I went to an oriental food store and found the funniest shit.. let me go fetch a camera.

About half an hour later and I'm sitting here with only one good picture of the three products I tried capturing well enough to show. Aye.... but enjoy.

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