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A Colorful Merry-Go-Round Of Death

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:: 2006 11 March :: 11.55am
:: Music: Elvis Presley

You're all so fake. It kills me. It should kill you too.


:: 2006 4 March :: 6.44pm
:: Music: James Blunt - Goodbye My Lover

Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun.
Yes, I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So, I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over, but it won't stop there.
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart, you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
my heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your head.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.

Goodbye, my lover.
Goodbye, my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I am a dreamer, but when I wake
you can't break my spirit, it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me.
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the [mother] of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts, but now we're fine.
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.


And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine, when I'm asleep.
And I will bear my soul in time,
when I'm kneeling at your feet.


I'm so hollow, baby. I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.


:: 2006 24 February :: 6.38am
:: Music: Ani Difranco - Angry Anymore

On the outs.
I always expect too much and get my hopes up for nothing.

Don't try to fix this, it'd show you actually cared.


:: 2006 23 February :: 7.27pm
:: Music: E.P. - If i can dream


4 bullets | Load my gun


:: 2006 23 February :: 7.13pm

Nothing ever works. I shouldn't convince myself otherwise.


:: 2006 23 February :: 5.44pm

I officially hate our Senior class. Everyone is so immature. No one can simply shut up for two minutes and just listen. No one takes anything seriously. People just don't care. I figured people would want to be in the Yearbook. Especially since it's their Senior year, but obviously they don't. I love how people bitch and moan about not being in it or how it's all the same people every year. Well, if you're not willing to give us a quote or anything you have no reason to be whining. When the only people willing to say something not half retarded are in the class that's who is going to be in the majority of the Yearbook. Don't complain to us when you're the one being an idiot.

Now people are bitching about how Erika and I apparently "rigged" the Mock Elections to win. Riiiight. Because, oh my God..if two whole people that are in the class win an award it means we just decided to add extra votes to our name, even though three other people helped us count them. Hmm.. that sure is strange. And I really want to convince my Senior class that I am funny. Maybe if you took the time to vote, I would have had more competition and one of your popular friends would have won. It's just because you didn't win anything. Get over it.

Ugghhh. You all just bother me so much. I am so glad I am graduating. I hate who you've all become. Sure, I'm not perfect, but at least I have matured somewhat since 8th grade.

I have no idea how you're all going to make it in this world. Honestly.

18 bullets | Load my gun


:: 2006 19 February :: 9.22am

I have something to look forward to now.



:: 2006 18 February :: 9.09pm

It's two degrees man and everything is still covered in ice, weak.
I got some wicked pictures of all the trees though. Here's my favorite.. [ I made my mom stop on the side of the road to get it, so I am glad it turned out! ]

Read more..

Anyway, I am so glad the power is back. It was truly miserable. Sammie and I were cracking out man. I'm not even going to get into details. All I have to say about not having power is...LAME.

I've hung out with Sammie for four days now. It's awesome, because she is so much like me that I don't get annoyed with her. She's bahmb dig and we're getting married. But, really...she's my best friend and I wish she could walk with me for Graduation. Too bad she's a sucky sophomore.

I saw Brokeback Mountain today. It was soooo good. I cried for the last ten minutes of the movie. I suggest seeing it, unless you're one of those homophobes that is closed-minded and needs to suck it up and get some balls. Yeah, that's right.

Break has actually been a lot of fun for doing nothing. I don't want it to end.

Well, I need to get going. I've got things to do.
(Like call you)

17 bullets | Load my gun


:: 2006 18 February :: 12.28pm

Sammie is pretty cool and so are you.

(I love being able to call you at any given moment again)


:: 2006 16 February :: 1.19pm
:: Mood: renewed
:: Music: Elvis - Gospel

"There's a heaven somewhere"
(So Valentines Day was completely unexpected. It was very nice for a change. I have no regrets. And I'm very happy to see a change in the writings I read.)

So things are good now, i'm happy. Work is fine, although we're moving the store which is going to suck, mainly because it's going to be moved into a tiny little store a forth the size of what we have now. Oh well.

I learned a few new songs on my guitar, one being a song that two lovers once shared, an Elvis song.

Must go and get ready for work, later.


(I miss you)

Load my gun


:: 2006 15 February :: 8.08pm

(I miss you all ready)
I am so happy. I can't get the smile off of my face ever since last night.

This is just what I needed.


:: 2006 13 February :: 2.06pm

You're my distraction.


:: 2006 12 February :: 4.40pm
:: Music: Bob Dylan

Today was such a weird/emotional day.

First, I went to church. I try to avoid it as much as possible. Not because I am Agnostic, but because it brings back bad memories. I stand there knowing that the person who used to stand next to me will never stand next to me there again. Or anywhere for that matter. The person I loved is gone and we'll never step into that place together like we used to. Growing and learning as one. Then I looked at my brother's wife, singing in the choir and my brother facing her singing in the crowd. They are such an amazing couple. They are so incredibly strong and in love. And they'll never divorce, cheat, or lie. They truly don't care about negative things or make them a part of their life. Yeah, they do bother me with their God stuff sometimes, but at least it works for them. At least they're happy. At least they are in love, and neither of them ever have to worry about lying between them. They are so strong, it's insane really.

I am happy for them, they're going to live a life I wish I could have.
Maybe I will some day.

Then we went to their apartment and my mom started talking about my dad and how he had some sort of attack the other day. He's dying and she said she's actually going to miss him. For so long she wanted him to die and now that he is, she wants him to live. She started crying and it made me feel horrible. After all the things he's done to her, us, and the entire family she still loves him and doesn't want to live without him. She loves that man so much and I have no idea why. Actually, I do...because once you love someone you can't stop. It doesn't matter what they've done or who they have become. You just love them. Just because.

I know, because I am there now.

The church service today was sad enough as it was. It was all about how to be good to your partner and how to get back to love if you're not in it now. Everything really hurt to hear, because I know our relationship could have lasted if only we did those things. If only I tried harder and he didn't do the shit he did. If only he wasn't who he truly is.

That's the only thing keeping me strong to not ever be with him again (not that I have a choice. He decided that for me a while ago). He cheated on me, he lied to me, and hurt me all of the time. And that's just who is he. He loves things too much that I can so easily live without. And that's where we differ. That's where I finally see that we would never make it. We're too different to ever exist as us.

That makes me want to cry.
But, at least I know now there has to be someone else. I can't stay stuck on someone like that. I will for a while, but my mind is too strong to go back to it.

If I knew he would never lie or cheat on me again I'd go back to him. I'd move to wherever the hell he ever ends up. But, I don't know and I'll never know anything. So, it's over and that's sad.

But, that's just me; sad.


:: 2006 11 February :: 11.34pm

Shake that laffy taffy!
Swirl was fun. I'm glad I went, but my feet are in agonizing pain right now.

"I get fast really ready."
"This sad is so song."

I could not talk today..

[Oh, and pictures from Swirl and Spring Hill are soon to come]

Night ya'll.

9 bullets | Load my gun


:: 2006 11 February :: 4.14pm
:: Mood: unexpected

20 years old.

9 bullets | Load my gun


:: 2006 9 February :: 7.39pm

Every line makes me cry, 'cause every word was a lie.
There I go again, reading old journal entries.

I don't suggest doing that.


:: 2006 9 February :: 7.07pm

You drive me up the fucking wall. Ugghh.

Just be with me. Drive here, pick me up, tell me you miss me and that you'll never let me go again.

It's that easy. That's all you have to do.

It's just money. Realize that, please. It won't make you happy. I can't fucking believe you think that's the answer. It's just paper. Yeah, you need it to survive and the world revolves around money. Blah, blah... who gives a fuck.

It's not what you need. I am what you need. You're what I need.

When will you see that?

Sooner or later I will be moving on, because as much as I want to I can't wait around forever. I just can't.


:: 2006 6 February :: 9.18pm

What an awesome night.

The show went great. I am so proud of everyone. You guys are all amazing, seriously. For the amount of time we had to do this and all the stress we all went through.. I just can't believe we pulled it together. But, we did and I am so happy.

Yeah, I messed up a line. I was completely beating myself up over it. But, ya know what? For having a two page monolgoue and only messing up one line, I should be thankful. And when a few other people sort've messed up like I did, I didn't care and it didn't stick out in my mind. It was just normal and ok, so that helped me a lot. Some people said they noticed, but I picked it up so fast that it didn't matter. Others completely didn't notice, so whatever.

After the show a lady came up to me and told me that my scene made her cry and it was one of her favorites. That made me so happy.

Thanks for all the other compliments as well. Whoever showed up to support me/us: thanks. [Thank you Matt and Jake for coming. It's good to see some old friends]

One more night. I hope I don't mess up that line again, haha.

Oh, and H apologized and said that he was very proud of me. So, that helped.

I am good now. And not to sound full of myself in any way, but I am proud of myself, because from the start I didn't think I could do this. I didn't think I could memorize more than a line. I didn't think I could get up in front of all those people being only a few feet away.

But, I did.

3 bullets | Load my gun


:: 2006 6 February :: 6.51am
:: Music: Tom Petty - Learning to Fly

What an amazing dream.
[Too bad I had to wake up]

Oh, and I have to stop tricking myself. I haven't met anyone worth my time yet. I am trying too hard to move on and that's stupid. Eventually I will and it will be with the right person at the right time. Until then I have to accept that there's no one and it's ok that there isn't.

I'm trying.


:: 2006 5 February :: 6.05pm
:: Music: Cliff Ritchey

Something that struck me as interesting was when my group leader from Spring Hill came up to me and told me she was impressed with how well I knew myself. She said that it was awesome, because most girls have no idea and can't answer those kind of questions that fast. And I am going in the right direction. It made me realize how much I really do think and how much I pick myself apart. I was asked what the three things I would change about myself were. I said unmotivation, being too dependent on other people, and how I am always mad about something/can't relax. Another question was what my biggest fear was and I said making the wrong choices. We were also asked what truth was. When you think about that, it's actually extremely hard to answer. I think there's only one kind of truth and those are solid facts. But, the truth we live by isn't always true, because solid truth is lost. People choose their own truths (even though logic is ruled out). Everything is turned into something else. I don't know, it's hard to explain. We talked about other things as well, but I won't bother boring you any longer.

I know none of this matters to you. She just made me see something in myself. I know exactly who I am and that's comforting, because no one else does and I didn't think I knew either.

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