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What it took to build me, wasn't enough to kill me.

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:: 2007 27 June :: 6.36 pm
:: Mood: i don't know how i feel.

it's never ending..
its a never ending cycle.
i just want one day where nothing goes wrong.
i spill my heart of for this man. and it hurts so much when he talks down to me, i never ask for anything but him to chill out or just love me. and sometimes i don't think he loves me by the way he acts, he'll respond to me all meanly even if i was being a sweetheart to him. and then if we argue i feel so small and i'm always fit out to be wrong. why can't we be fine? he says from day one i supposively fucked shit up. like for him and his friends, girls and whatever else. well you did this to me, i'm pregnant with your kid, and all i want is for you to be considerate for my feelings and be there for the new life form.
i love lance with all my heart, i just wish everything would be okay and i'm so emotional anymore it just makes it worse and i sicken myself so bad, i'm gettin fat i'm getting insecure i'm getting sick of myself. all i want to do is massive amount of drugs, i wish i could have my medicines because it seems like this shit is taking over; and i can't take any of them i just want to feel okay and be happy. and if thats impossible i atleast don't wanna feel anything... no pain... i mean is it so wrong to ask of favors from the one you love? and they aren't really favors just things to make our family go well and be happy. my dad was never there and i don't want my child to have to go through all the bullshit and despair that i had to endure, its the worst thing in the world and i always felt bad for my mother who was a great mom and had to do everything on her own just to make sure i had food, clothes and a roof over my head. it hurts to just think about it.. i just hate all this fighting its starting to go down and i don't want that to happen, i love Lance more than anything and everything and i would do fucking absolutley EVERYTHING/ANYTHING for him. he's my world. i'd seriously be lost without him. i'm just scared sometimes that when the baby comes i'll be all alone, cause thats what it feels like now.. i don't have friends, i dont have anybody to talk to really and i'm just so depressed and i'm breaking down so badly. i have nowhere to turn besides my mom, and i already know shes there for me but not always when i need her, she has her own life too now, i was the one who moved out and got my life situated and i understand;; i just want a friend. a good friend i can trust, sure i can talk to lance but i just feel so small sometimes because you can tell he gets mad or i make him mad.. and i never mean to do that,.. i'm so fucking upset right now.. i honestly don't know how to put anything.. i feel so wrong. am in the wrong? for wanting everything to be peachy and have a great family? a loving one? IS IT SO FUCKING WRONG? i have a doctors apt tomorrow to hear the babys heartbeat.. and i don't have anyone to go, i'm just about to cancel it because this whole thing is scary but exciting at the same time.

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:: 2007 25 June :: 9.34 am

sorry everyone who reads what i post
i haven't really been able to type on here.
but now i can! =)

nothing really has been going on besides cleaning and what not for inspection the other day, and they didn't even come back to fix anything.. and i want my cat back! i'm just scared they'll come when it comes home and i'll be like wtf..
been like 4 days geez.
i've been emotional lately. like very emotional. sometimes i can't STAND myself. i let everything get to me, even if it's stupid.. and i just think everyones inconsiderate of my feelings.
like i always think Lance is yelling at me, when really he's just talking or sometimes he does come off mean, and i don't know why, i'm nothing but nice to him. but then he gets all cute again and everythings okay.. i don't understand i just think it's alllll meeeeeeeee.
i'm trying to come around with all the family, like his mom and brother n them, but theres so much family on his dads side i have yet to met ya know? and he still has to meet some of mine, even though i don't really want him to meet my dad's side or him.. LoL .
anyways i've been bumming it lately, my pants are gettin tighter.
im broke.
and im lonely sometimes cuz lance goes to work.
i would work but i plan on doin it after the baby, so hopefully i can get like unemployement or something? gaahhhh

but like i said, nothing new, no not now not ever! LoL.

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:: 2007 8 June :: 11.33 pm
:: Mood: content
:: Music: dead presidents - hip hop

11:33pm and i think i have some names in mind.
If it's a boy; Kaden.
If it's a girl; Chanel.

now those aren't forsure but it's been lingering among me. so we will see.
anyways, it's friday and i'm bored as fuck and hungry as hell, i might eat a bowl of reeses puff's cereal, YUMmm! :)

nothing went on today it stormed all crazy though, kinda scared me! i thought the power was gonna go out, but it turned out to be a blow over really and just effects from other areas where they were gettin' hit. sucked though, but atleast it rained.
then doug came and chilled for a min with my boo* he took off and now hes just playin socom and i'm on here like a loser, cuz i'm alil stoned *eekk* and tired and boredddddddddd. someone help me? LoL
my mother gave me a few bucks today.. i needed a few grocerys cause my cubberts are bare. lol well not all the way but enough to where you cant put anything together; but were fine now thats to her. thank heavens.
i could go for some icecream right about now. or tomorrow, so jena wanna go? :)

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:: 2007 5 June :: 5.20 pm
:: Mood: tired.

alot of things have changed in my life.
i'm on my own now, and yes i do miss my mothers house alon with my sister... i basically dropped outta school and i'm going to get my G.E.D and hopefully get a job in the near future. i live with my boyfriend. and where going to have a baby.. i'm like 3 months.
hopefully it's a boy. hehe, i do need help picking out names though, i can't seem to find one at all and i can't find a girls name either. moneys of course.. TIGHT. but we live and survive to the fullest. i'll deff be updating my journal now since i finally got the net today, SHIBBY! LoL ANYWHO. i'll attend tomorrow. <3much love.

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:: 2006 14 June :: 12.42 am
:: Mood: Confused

sitting all alone inside your head.

delusional1fish: Sunday i got a texted from you sayin "hey roach".. it was weird..
absent x dreams: hmm.. odd! i dont recall texting you! sorry
delusional1fish: yeah you were probably drunk
delusional1fish: would never have crossed my mind to think that
delusional1fish: always
absent x dreams: always!?
delusional1fish: fucking drunk
delusional1fish: most of the time
absent x dreams: no im not!
delusional1fish: seems like it
absent x dreams: err im not always drunk.
absent x dreams: but whatever.

Yeah.. i don't know anymore
i guess my friend is trying to tell me something
i need to slow down..


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:: 2006 2 June :: 6.40 pm
:: Mood: all mixed up.
:: Music: marilyn manson - lunchbox

kill me.....
everything sucks anymore
i try so hard for people but nothing ever turns out right.
we fight, we love..we hate.. its just a fucking cycle.
theres just alot of shit going on that i cant quite explain.
i just want everything to be alright.. and it never will be.
i want to be happy. for the 43903 time!!! im so done.

i.. i dont know

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:: 2006 14 May :: 10.54 pm

welp today since it was mothers day i made my mom dinner, got her flowers and a card.. and called it a day lol
friday and saturday i had massive amounts of alcohol in my system. woo wee! anyways. it was a goodddddd weekend.
very good weekend.

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:: 2006 12 May :: 2.29 pm

i haven't added an entry in forever on here..
sorry people
but WHATever i say anymore.. doesn't matter.. because it's never entertaining its all boring and what not on the same routine. hah! seriously.. but overall i've been alright had to go to the doctors a few times because of a few minor complications. and My gram has been real sick lately; just sucks i can't go get her.. oh well. my friends have been acting weird.. i miss alot of them! and i've been doing the same thing everyday.. i'm single because men tend to suck ass LoL. yeah...and schools almost out and i'm sooOo fucking excited!! omfg. YES! woooo hoo..


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:: 2006 6 May :: 4.15 pm

well everything has been fuckign shit lately.
i dont do anything besides drink, smoke, and other things..
my life is sucky.
i do the saem thing everyday
and i dont have a job

oh yippiieee!


im sick of this fucking SHIT!

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:: 2006 23 April :: 3.18 pm
:: Mood: blank
:: Music: atreyu - x's and oh's
wow lots of shit have been going on besides me being depressed all the time..

my friend selenas dad got shot do i had to bare with her and go with her to the hospital to see him; so therefor i missed jenas party.. ONCE AGAIN!.. :(
cousin is in rehab while the other had passed on.. ugh
i've lost alot of things, and alot of friends.
i have.. no job
i have.. NO money errr
i wanna be happy..

all i want is to be happily ever after; like asap!!!!!!!!

im such a complainer.

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:: 2006 17 April :: 8.50 pm
:: Music: Twiztid- afraid of me

i wish i could tell you how i feel.
but its so fucking hard; and it hurts like crazy
But i have developed a strong likeing to you....

i just wish u could see that i could do so much more what she can, and i would give you everything that i possibly could


cause i never get a shot at anything!

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:: 2006 15 April :: 4.51 pm

nothing fucking matters anymore
fucking seriously....

im pretty sure theres something going on between my bestfriend and our one friend... and if so that is not good and its pretty low. UGH! its kinda sickening and its pathetic; but i have no room to talk.

and how about i love being used
its always going to happen to me


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:: 2006 28 March :: 9.51 pm

fucked up shit right here
i went to the family doctor today.. i have to go for therapy.. for my back and my head trauma i don't remember things because i have short term memory loss.. :(

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:: 2006 26 March :: 2.17 am
:: Mood: sore/scared/tired/hurttttinngggg
:: Music: blue october - hate me

scary shit

car accidents suck

i should be in bed but i hurt so bad.
stacey and me were in the front passengers and she was driving
ben and jordan were in the back
soem asshole was on our side of the road on a back narrow road
and he hit us
we got pretty fucked up and had to go to the emergancy room
but we survived. just the car.. is done
i swear i have a guardian angel and i am so thankful that were alright and that im alright..
but we were going 35 and on OUR OWN SIDE OF THE ROAD. fuckign ass was on ours.. ugh it makes me so sick
i never wanna get into a moving device again..err
my head hurts, i have a concusion, i'm bruised and cut everywhere from the windshield bustin all over the fuckin place.., and i have a bad back yeah i'm very sore!!!
but ya im happy everyones okay...

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:: 2006 23 March :: 3.46 pm
:: Mood: whatever
:: Music: 30 seconds to mars - the fantasy

um. yeah
Past couple days i've been helping Gered and everyone with the kitchen hes remodeling. you know tryin to be a good sport and all. haha. he acts so weird anymore.. but mabey its just me!!. but oh well.. and im still suspended i have 7 more days left LOL YAY!! SO FUCKING HAPPY. WOOOOWEE. of course nothing exciting has been happening its basically the same shit over again and me getting fucked over. but such as life! ♥

Tell you what
truth is<3
Sometimes I miss you so bad
I can hardly stand it

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