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2006 17 January :: 12.22 am
i went with gered and his brother today job searching.. well they did not me and then we went back to there house to chill. i had a nice relaxing time..
then i get on AIM and me and jason get into it. and i mean like hardcore. what an ass. i was called a whore and pathetich and stupid and etc.. i dont feel like whipping out the convo, ive cried enough.
fuck it; fuck you.
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2006 15 January :: 10.35 pm
:: Mood: tired
Orgy - eva
me and lai woke up at like 11:30am.. got ready went driving around then went to see her dad for a bit.. then to wendys for food. yummmm.. i was supposed to see jason today but that didnt fall through. i hope to see him soon =\. alaina also let me drive alittle, WHOA WATCH OUT! LMAO. no but it was cool =). but ya thats my exciting day.
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2006 14 January :: 2.20 pm
wtf wtf wtf
i hate finding things out..
I was being a bit nebby today and i came acrossed jasons myspace account.. so you know i happened to look in his inbox and sent messages.. and theres this CUTE LITTLE ASIAN GIRL with hardly any clothes on saying 'hey baby, i think your really cute..i came acrossed your myspace and i would like to talk to you so heres my AIM .......' and etc i dunno, wtf? and he REPLIED! saying something like ' ya i think your cute to heres my AIM ........ and hope to hear from you soon' OMFG im so pissed im supposed to go see him sunday and i dont wanna tell him bout the message i had seen..cause he will get so mad at me. but yea wtf? not like my hearts already broken.. i mean its just been thrown on a cutting board and stabbed a few times.. but I WILL BE OKAY! UGH.
it would have been ok if she just sent that and he didnt reply or he did reply and just say ok? hi. BUT NO HE MADE IT LIKE HE WAS INTERESTED!!!!!
:(:(:(
UPDATE
Just got home alittle bit ago.. me and lai went driving around :). thursday and friday nite i stayed at her house and now shes stayin at mine til monday, woo woo. we went to get Jr. Bacon Cheeseburgers. like everyday :P and then we stopped up at my friend gereds house there was supposed to be alcohol lol but u no how it is when parents and friends wont buy it. so we stayed for awhile and left.. man i didnt no people could be so drunk. haha. then we took a cruise through b-ville. and got a drink at subway cause were cool and it was freeeee. but ya good nite!!!! :):):) tomorrow im SUPPOSED to see jason but hes being a queer so i dont no if it will fall through, i just MAY hang out with someone else. so yeah go me?
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2006 12 January :: 2.56 pm
You're so predictable no shadow of doubt
when you are suffering know who sold you out
Fuck your opinions
Fuck your lack of spine
When you are miserable
Know that I'm just fine
You go solo
your faggot rainbow
your junkie ego
won't save you this time
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2006 11 January :: 10.41 pm
dont stop get it get it. LoL
welp today when i came home from school; i layed down because i have a migrain.. i wasnt so smart today in school, so since i have been down in the dumps alittle i took a break off of my xanx bars and decided to take some vicodine along with aderol (sp?) so yeah, i wasnt the sharpest tool in the shed.. i felt awful. but alaina and mike showed up and they got me out of bed to go with them to drive around and what not.. we smoked alittle and drank a beer or 2. so we just chilled.. i didnt eat anything ALL DAY. so i was sick to my stomach.. after we hung out i came home and i felt like i was going to litterly collaspe. but i guess i will survive HAH! anyways. yeah me and lai are chillin like villians on penicillin cause i dont have school fri or mon. YES GO ME WOOO. so who knows what the dickens we will be up to; im also supposed to see <3jason. but i wanna see jon also. heh i dunnnnnno
everything is so NOT EXPLAINABLE!.
i seriously dont know how to feel anymore.
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2006 10 January :: 6.40 pm
:: Mood: Blah
I realized odds and science are against me
I wish I could give you what you're looking for, but I don't know what it is. There's a part of you that you keep closed off from everyone, including me. It's as if I'm not the one you're really with. Your mind is on someone else.
I'm figureing out that i must not be the material that you need; and i'm not up to your level, honestly it hurts.. but i guess it's how it has to be and something i have to deal with.
I really do miss you..
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2006 9 January :: 4.15 pm
:: Mood: melancholy
I get knocked down; but i get up again.
you know i seriously dont care anymore.. but its funny cause i say i dont but i really do.. cause just a few things bother me. but oh well i guess its a part of life. im just tired of hurting anymore with friends, family, lovers, haters.. wtf whatever; anything. i just wanna be smiling. all i do is sleep anymore; noone ever wants to do anything and thats fine.. i got used to not doing so much of anything anymore so all i like to do is lay around and sleep. jasons not here so i have nothing to do and it bothers me to see him not with me. i dunno mabey i should let go or stay up and put up with this fight and try. but im not willing to let go yet; and i dont tend on wanting to. he told me if something better comes along, take it rochelle well what the piss, i dont think anything is going to come along and it isnt like i want it to. i just dont know EVERYTHING and i mean EVERYTHING is so fucked anymore. i just want it to be the way i feel it should be
My Goals after high school..
: Moving out
: Attending a school in Colorado
: Getting a job
: Finding my own place
: Meeting new people
: Graduate from the school
: Come back home for alittle while
: Get Engaged/Married (mabey)
: Have 1 or 2 rugrats (mabey)
: Get a better job
: Have Nicer things
thats all i think about
i dunno mabey im crazy; mabey the whole school thing isnt me. i mean the only reason why i stick around in HS is so i can get into that school in CO. and make my mother proud. bleh i dunno. er
:
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2006 8 January :: 1.09 pm
lastnite i went out on a date with this kid jon. i dunno it was ok i suppose. i just thought about jason the whole time and thats all that ran through my mind. i dunno im pathetic. but ya me and alaina just hung out and shit. just goofed around & had a good time..haha
i love it how my 'friends' like always have something better to do than do anything with me.. its like im not being a baby but forreal i ask em' all the time HEY! u wanna do something? and there like no i cant or some bullshit and then they go out with someone else or something.. wtf, whatever
GOSH, EVERYTHING IS SO FUCKED ANYMORE i cant take it, im seriously about to crack.
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2006 6 January :: 3.10 pm
Yeah everything fucking sucks.
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2006 3 January :: 10.26 pm
:: Music: 30 seconds to mars - beautiful lie
Lie awake in bed at night
And think about your life
Do you want to be different?
Try to let go of the truth
The battles of your youth
Cuz this is just a game
It's a beautiful lie
It's the perfect denial
Such a beautiful lie to believe in
So beautiful, beautiful it makes me
It's time to forget about the past
To wash away what happened last
Hide behind an empty face
Don't ask too much, just say
That this is just a game
today was boring as always.
i slept like all day in school.
and i had some guys tell me they wanted to see my 'tatas'
nothing new.
but ya..
anyways. im tired; and i miss jason. i miss alot of things. haha im so dumb!
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2006 2 January :: 4.04 am
:: Mood: Sad/Tired
:: Music: Sr71- in my mind
Happy new years
My new years was alright. i didnt get to drunk lmao. but i was feeeeling good!. i went to alainas and had fun; i needed to try and get my mind off jason. didnt really work though, i balled my eyes out but ya.. so i talked to him today and i told him i needed to see him; i think alaina is takin me to see him this weekend; cause if i dont im going to go fucking insane. im to upset to do anything, i never been this choked up. but to top that all off i started to think back in the past and shit so that wasnt to good. but what a way to start off the new year right? hah. its BS i know. but i have to get to bed its 4am omfg. and i have to get up at 10 to go with alaina to bentleyville. so ya RISE AND SHINEEE! errr
i miss him so much, boy oh boy am i outta place anymore. yikes. :(
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2005 30 December :: 11.42 am
Yeah..
Jason: well regardless of what happens i still want us to be close and i still want to be around you i meen if its decided not to be together that doesnt mean me and you are going to end. id fucking go through hell before you were taken out of my life
Yeah me and him had a long convo about us.. and i dont really wanna talk about it but yeah just know im not in the best of shape. =( he just means so much to me..
Update i was reading this girl emily's xanga (the one who keeps trying to ruin things for me) and shes basically obessed with jason. so yeah i want to to kill the bitch; and not just that but she will IM me and ask me dumb shit (like its any of her buisness?) and tells me things about him that she knows (LIKE I FUCKING CARE U STUPID WHORE!!) i really dont care. just leave me alone. k?
update he said he isnt done with me.. but were not together anymore
:(:(:(
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2005 29 December :: 3.43 pm
teehee
im having a good break. my baby came over tuesday but left today (so im saddd) but we had a nice time.. a very nice time ;). we went to the mall/movies with jena and kelly yesterday to see the new jim carrey movie called fun with dick and jane, we all liked it. Saturday im going to jasons house to stay then sunday were all going out to the movies (me, him, his mom, his brother and his gf). so this should be fun. lol im all nnneerrrvvvoouuuss. but yeah so excited!
i adore this kid so much! xoxo.
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2005 27 December :: 12.17 pm
:: Music: la la la
TODAY IS THE BESTEST DAY EVER!!
my bbbaaaabbby is coming over today; i'm so excited!!!
so i mostlikely wont be online. lol so i will update later. hes staying until thursday and im so HAPPPPY! hehehe..:):)
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2005 26 December :: 2.01 am
:: Mood: okay
:: Music: nickelback- because of you
12.26.05
my christmas was alright. i got everything i wanted anyways. and i decided to call my real father just to say merry xmas. even though i dont talk to him. but hes still my dad but it didnt blow over to well. i thought i would be the right thing to do.. but i guess i was wrong he basically asked me why the fuck i called him and said i thought we agreed we were done with another.. i didnt no what to say so i sat in silence he said some harsh things to me like im not his daughter and i fucked up and i mess up everything i said i was sorry.. and he said go waste your time on someone else and hung up. so ya i know im never calling him again. so im not going to ramble on about it.. just really got to me. i guess thats what i get for trying to be nice. but anyways my baby is coming over tuesday and im so excited. i dont even know how i will react lol. but ya. goodnite everyone!
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