2004 20 February :: 4.49 pm
:: Mood: happy
:: Music: David playing a video game
Do You Dream
The only thing that I dream of...is that you dream of me.
If you don't, the I already know, it may not be meant to be.
But I'll keep thinking that one day you will, and maybe one day I'll see,
That perhaps your dreams do wander and find their wy to me.
Of all the things I think of, I think the most of you,
And I wonder what you're wondering and if it could be true,
That as much as I think about you, you think about me too.
But for now I'll dream and revel, losing my thoughts on you.
I'm curious how far I should let you get into my heart
If we'll have a future, and if so how will it start?
Will drift together or slowly drift apart?
And I question if I have a place waiting in your heart.
Do I look for love in all the worng places-
Other guys from my past seem to leave only traces,
But as I close my eyes - you're there, there are no other faces
I remember days with you, spending hours in the most beautiful of places.
You're in my thoughts and I see that smile and your shining eyes,
It's no wonder I can't stop thinking about you, regardles of how I try.
And my thoughts and dreams lead me to where out future lies,
But that's too soon and I'm smart enough to know, but I can't forget you're eyes.
The way they squint and turn down at the sides when you find your smile
When I think about kissing you, but all I get denial.
I find myself hoping and dreaming that you're dreaming of me too,
But never the less I'll stay contented, in simply knowing that I've met you.
2004 19 February :: 8.31 am
:: Mood: chipper
:: Music: people talking and the typing of keys
Hello! I'm in U.S. History right now researching for a project. I'm doing Women's Sufferage and the current issue of Gay Marriage. I am for both but it's hard to find any articles that adcovate Gay Marriage. Most of them are anit-gay marriage. DAMN AMERICA!!! Now I remember why I am Anit-America. Anyway I better get going. I'll update later today.
2 Rusty Razors |
2004 15 February :: 9.41 pm
:: Mood: very happy and loved
I've been thinking a lot lately. Mostly about people I miss. Ok, well, it's really about one person that I miss. Ben. No, I don't long for him anymore, but I do wonder how he is doing. I never hear from him anymore so I'm pretty much clueless on how things are with him. *sigh* I guess I'll just have to hope that one day I'll get a call or e-mail or letter or something from him letting me know how things are going. I hate being so busy and losing contact with people. Especially people I care about. Well, I have to get going. maybe I'll post later.
4 Rusty Razors |
2004 24 January :: 6.49 pm
:: Mood: thirst, a thirst that cannot be satisfied
Driving me insane
I thirst. I have the Need. That is all I can say for now.
1 Rusty Razor |
2004 18 January :: 5.25 pm
:: Music: AFI- The Leaving Song
Parting Is Such Sweet Sorrow (wow the song im listening to fits my subject....wierd)
I feel the need to leave Woohu. It brings me back too many memories. Although many of
them are wonderful, there are so many that I would like to forget. I love you guys, I really
do. To whomever reads this thing as well as who read my old journal thanks for the
support and for just being a friend. Even if it was only through a computer screen. I donít
know how many of you will really miss me but I will miss many of you. I know some of
you donít want to see me go but I need to. It was great being here for the time that I was but now I must depart. If it is any comfort to any of you I will drop by randomly and post here. I will miss this place and all of my friends here. If you would like to contact me outside of Woohu my AIM screen name is Suzisport and my e-mail address is
Suzisport@aol.com. Hope to hear from some of you. Much love.
2 Rusty Razors |
2004 13 January :: 6.31 pm
:: Mood: crappy
:: Music: The ring of my cell since someone is calling me
It would really help if you wouldn't yell at me when I ask a simple question. Even if I should know the answer you could answer without yelling at me. Sorry if I frustrated you but still you could be somewhat more patient with me.
2004 4 January :: 7.25 pm
:: Mood: happy
Praying for a Snow Day
I'm bored and happy. I'm also praying for a snow day. Probably won't get one though. DAMN!!! Not much to write about though. So I'll catch ya'll later.
1 Rusty Razor |
2004 4 January :: 7.20 pm
:: Mood: happy
Bad Breath Poem...I guess
You need a Tic Tac!
I'm sorry to be mean,
But you need some Listerean.
Not a sip,
Not a swallow,
But the whole damn bottle!
An old poem from childhood and it's still funny.
2003 31 December :: 8.13 pm
:: Mood: lonely
:: Music: The Leaving Song Part 2- AFI
The year is yet coming to another turn. As friends, families, and couples celebrate. I am left alone in my home with my mother, father, and Fawzie to celebrate the New Year. My love is off at a party. Which is more than fine because I want him to do what he wants to and to have a good time. I hold him back from nothing, unless itís personal harm or
harming of others, but thatís another story. Even though the holiday is lonely, Iíll be fine.
Soon this hell filled rest of the week will pass and I will be able to see him and spend time
with him on Monday.
I have nothing else to say really. I may put some new stuff on here later but who knows. Well, I Ďll catch yaíll later. I love you David.
2003 26 December :: 6.29 pm
:: Mood: good
:: Music: the tv
As Christmas has come and past I have found out a few things. I have discovered how much I truly and deeply love David. I knew it would be a lot but I never imagined it to be like this. Do you really know how much you truly loe someone until they have been away for awhile or until you have almost lost them? I don't think you do. No one knows this but everynight I talk to David. (I know we talk for an hour or two before we fall asleep, but I stay awake after the conversation has ended). I stay awake and talk to him even though he can't hear. I tell him everynight, with greta inadaquecy, how much I love him, how much I want to spend the rest of my life by his side, and even though David nor whoever reads this may not want to know this I am going to tell you this anyway, when I am finished telling him this....Icry myself to sleep. I cry because I am away from the love of my life but also because the thought of living without him is unbearable. I also cry because the wait I will have to bear will probably be long before I actually get to have him as my husband in everyones eyes. I love you with everything I have, i wish I could give you the world but I can't so I give you myself, every last bit of me, in hopes that, that is enough.
That wasn't the only thing I have discovered. i have also found that I have truly let go of Ben. No part of me, not one, wants him. Before i would have given anything to be just his and only his, but now things have changed. I only keep his notes and pictures of us for memories of what was good. There are so many that are very wonderful, I'll hang on to those. Even though they do show our relationship and reveal how much we did love each other, that love is only memory. That is all it will ver be..... a memory. It is a good memory that I will hang on to. I hang on to it because it gives me hope that there is love and even though relationships do fail we can move on, we can let go, and even, love again. So with that I must say this....
Ben, I forgive you. Even though you hurt me so badly I do forgive you. You taught me a lot. Don't let the fact that you hurt me get to you. If you do that you will only bring yourself down. Don't remember the bad things...well, yes, remember them but let the good overcome the bad. I have healed, moved on, am happy, and let myself love again without fear. Now it's your turn to do the same.
Discovery is a beautiful thing and in my time away from David I allowed myself to discover and I'm glad that I did. No David wasn't holding me back. Well, he kind of was because this took time, a lot of time alone, and a lot of thinking. With him around I wouldn't have been able to ask for so much space.
4 Rusty Razors |
2003 21 December :: 12.26 pm
:: Mood: happy
:: Music: AFI
We held hands on the last night on earth. Our mouths filled with dust, we kissed in the fields and under the trees, screaming like dogs, bleeding dark into the leaves. It was empty on the edge of town but we knew everyone floated along the bottom of the river. So we walked through the waste where the road curved into the sea and the shattered seasons lay, and the bitter smell of burning was on you like a disease. In our cancer of passion you said, "Death is a midnight runner." The sky had come crashing down like the news of an intimate suicide. We picked up the shards and formed them into shapes of stars that wore like an antique wedding dress. The echoes of the past broek the hearts of the unborn as the ferris wheel silently slowed to a stop. The few insects skitterd away in hopes of a better pastime. I kissed you at the apex of the maelstrom and asked if you would accompany me in a quick fall, but you made me realize that my ticket wasn't good for two. I rode alone. You said, "The cinders are falling like snow." There is poetry in despair, and we sang with unrivaled beauty, bitter elegies of savagery and eloquence. Of blue and grey. Strange, we ran down desperate streets and carved our names in the flesh of the city. The sun has stagnated somewhere beyond the rim of the horizon and the darkness is a mystery of curves and lines. Still, we lay under the emptiness and drifted slowly outward and somewhere in the wilderness we found salvation scratched into the earth like a message.