everything in this world that a girl could want
okay so i now have a job. about time right? been there like a lil over a month now. its a far drive, thats the only down side. but they started me at 8 bucks an hour so that makes up for it. defintely need to get a diff job though. this is not enough money. but then again, prob never in my life gonna have enough money. this country is so expensive.. ahwell whatever, cant do shit about itttt. still dont kno what im doin school wise. cars, crazy as it sounds, id love to do that. have to look into it though. im not really worried about it right now though. im just tryin to save up some money, but its been impossible with all these bills on top of my car breaking every week. lol, thats what i get for 200 bills though. that bitch has lasted over a year though so fuck it! prob only spent like a grand on it tops. lemme just say insurance rates suck, and fuckin gas is outrageous. its at like 3.85 and shit! whack as hell. um, the fourth of july this year was bangin. went down to wildwood and had the most random crazy night. and winged it the whole time. yeah you knoww, lol .. tahts about it. until next time

i dont wanna be a lonely fool
i believe its been over a year since i updated this jawn. so hows life these days. well i dont have a job which makes me broke. i still some how manage to keep enough gas in my car to go do stuff during the week. but this life is getting old. i want stuff and i cant get stuff with no money. boys, ohh howd id love to have one. but i dont like what i see so it can waitt. school. im trying that one. i have no idea what i wanna do though. ive had so many career ideas run threw my head in the past month. yeah i definitely have no clue what i wanna do. now im into this idea of beauty school. it seems logical and possible. but my opinion will most likely change before next week. im so up and down. but i have to get my shit together and start over again. ef the bullshit.

and i was living a lie.
..but i wont fall for it next time.



yeah so obviously schools been in session. its pretty much been a month. alot of good stuff has happend so far. alottt of bad. i know i cant change things. and dont get me wrong, i love the way things are with the good stuff nowadays. but i miss everything. i just dont see how it can be the same, so much has changed. fixing it seems near impossible. and is that even enough? i think its to the point where you cant go back. like, if i look at it and base my decision on memories alone, id be broken. that stupid reality that its not changing any time soon, if at all, would murder me. but then theres whats gone on since that night. and its just, overwhelming. i never pictured myself on this end of the deal. yeah, i could see it if i did do the things. id be like apologizing until my face turned blue. idk. it sucks. but that doesnt make a difference. i wrote her a note. a while ago. but considering stuff is still going on, or being said rather, im not handing it to her. cause its like if she can hate me that much then how can i expect things to turn around. some things in this entire thing just are not being realized. on both ends i suppose. maybe cause of lack of communication. or care. im not quite sure anymore. i thought it was the first one but things have happend to make me think otherwise. ive accepted that shes gone and probably will never be there for me again. but its soo hard to believe if i think about things weve done. or times weve had. its sooo hard. and i dont know. sometimes i get anxious and just want it to be fixed. or to at least give that note up. but then im reminded of why i didnt give it to her yet. and im just like, its too late. i really cant believe how much hate shes built up against me. its like im just some random bitch she didnt even know. and yeah, people get mad and are bothered by things because they care, but i really dont think its like that anymore. cause i dont see me getting a chance to talk to her any time soon. and this year is going to be very gay if i have her wanting to fight be hanging over my head, and the whole factor of not being her friend anymore. or talking to her or hanging out. any of it. everything that comes in the friend territory. i know ive been dealing with that this whole time, but still. i mean, i really thought that maybe my note could shed some light on things, and help things. and i had hope enough for the whole thing to just give it to her. but all of that was shot down. i was thinkin maybe thats the trigger to starting to end the situation. but i have no clue whats left to do now. i think its safe to say its past caring that things are like this between us. or its sure as hell strongly suggested.




dont leave me alone. dont leave me alone.
i cant stand the way the world feels when im walkng alone
love seems like a mess when it wont let go of me
when its gone i dont feel. when its gone i dont feel alive.
when its gone i dont see you.




and you cant pretend now that
you thought id forget to notice you were gone


♥♥


but the truth is: its pointless. you dont care.

in school
whoa havent updated this ish in mad long.
who does these anymore anyway? its pretty pointless.
i guess i should do this when i get home cause im in the middle of fourth and we get out in a few minutes. id rather not get into something thats worth updating in here. idk when the last time i updated was but im sure it was a while ago. i took a glance at it the other day when i was in here but not the date. im sure nobody is planning on reading it but me or someone i tell to so it doesnt really matter when i get to it. if i do at all..
so lifes been pretty um.. eventful? in the least, this past month. a lot of things have happend and its added up. but like i sad id rather not get into it at the moment so im just gonna ramble on to pass time.
i remember when these were being used regularly people put their schedules so here goes:
first: health then gym j118? taylor
homeroom e1O6 meltzer
second: math d1O1 steel
third: fashion design =/ b2O2? densten
fourth: forensic psych a1OO shaw
fifth: history e1O3 walker
sixth: lunch
seventh: english f1O5 lee
eighth: physical science j116? brosios

so im done. ill yeah ill do something about this later.
bye

i♥my best friends.
jgepab hahaha. you knoww.

last update was gayyy
hm. im at danielles<3
and we had a ..tiring but fun weekend. left my house around 6 to drive down to wildwood. got there, found it entirely too awkward to ask my uncle to stay on the spot. so we just asked to leave our stuff on the porch. then um.. went on the boards till like 1O. called zach, who was supposed to come down but was too tired. so we just ended up chillen at this pizza place on the corner from the shore house until like mad late and then goin back to the porch. slept outside on the deck with no blankets or pillows. just the cold and hard wood. =( .. woke up mad early. went around back to ask to use the bathroom and my uncles new wife decided to tell us that we couldnt use it. she thought we were just some random people. then we were walkin down the street to go to the diner or something and my uncle whistled for us. so he let us in. they fed us. and we all left. went on the boards. maddddd bike riders. haha. there were people ridin there bikes around there alllll throughout the nite. then we went to the beach after figuring out how to change into our bathing suits with no bathroom. corey was a sissy and didnt want to take off his shirt or w.e so we went in without him. walked the 5 mile hike back to the boards. then ended up walkin around. finallyyy found the 99 cent pizza and 99 cent burger place. we looked for it for soo long. we got picked up around like 4 somethin by danielels parents. cus zach didnt feel like comin down in the morning either. went back to my house. went to the mall. then back to my house and everyone left. and i came back here. and thats where we leave off. today we just chilled here.

i have to assist. goodbye

in schoool
yeOo homies lol .. uh im in school.. yea havent been around in lightyears but the comps busted. AH it sucks. but ive gotten used to sittin around watchin tv and gettin fat. and im not just saying that bc i def gained cus i was 1O3 now im 111. haha yessss B). anywhoo were supposed to be writin our research papers but um i deff have no idea what to do cus im not even done readin my book. ohwell. hmm whats new? .. nott much really just been chillaxin haha. peoples are comin over friday nite. yeah but everyones gotta come after 1O cus my dad doesnt know im havin this little 'shin dig' and he should be out of the house by 9:3O or 1O at the latest. i hope. cus if not im gettin caught for sure. haha. uh i dont know.. i should get off here before someone catches me and i end up typing this shizz for nothin. hello to all i dont see .. aim [broken heart] ..



vee is no longer THEhairybeast. . .. you figure it out. haha

if you read this comment =) .. tootles haha

i know its not easy to tell you goodbye
im bored....so i did a survey and shit.

Your Beauty lies
in Plain Sight. Plain, simple and the girl next
door. People tend overlook you as you are the
"normal girl", but you're actually
very beautiful. And you have plenty about you to
set you apart, but more that
lets you blend. People love the stability you have
because as others may come
and go, you will always be there and you may always
be the same. You like simple
things and that's what people like about you. You
most likely enjoy things most
consider normal, like movies, shopping, that sort
of thing and are very friendly
and probably have many friends. You are sweet and
kind and that shows on you,
but you're also strong and not very naive. You're a
rather well-rounded
individual. Even though some people pass you off as
just another girl, shrug it
off because they don't know what they're
missing.

Some Things
That Represent You:

Element:
Earth, Light Animal: Cat Color:
Pinks, Blues, Browns Song:
Girl Next Door by Pilot Expression: Simple
Smile

Gemstone:
Alexandrite Mythological Creature: Fox
Demon, Hobbit Planet: Jupiter Hair
Color: Light Brown Eye Color:
Brown

Quote:
"To the world you may be one person, but to
one person you may be the world."

i need someone who will be my friend
i have so much shit on my mind.. like way much. its to the point where if i sit here and think for long enough, ill get so frustrated with how much more shit comes up when i start thinkin about one thing.. that i just want to cry. to be honest .. im considering getting away for a little bit. cus my mom offered. like i dont know.. i dont want to leave .. but if i stay here my heads like.. gonna explode! .. its so weird. i havent felt this powerless since like...idk .. all the shit with my aunt was goin on a few years ago. and like, it doesnt help that im not even at the 'talking level' with my best friend. or my ex best friend? .. i dont even know what to call her. but w.e .. that was my choice this time. i dont know, im so back and forth with stuff right now. i cant even finish one thought. like part of me wants to get away and blow it off .. another part of me just wants to make things right .. which cant be done with some people. and another part of me just wants to make things easier..just worry about school so i dont have to be bothered with my dads disapointment and shit. i dont know, but this summer - and thats quite a ways away - but, im so going anywhere my dad will let me. and im hopin i get a job soon so i have money. i know were broke and all and that doesnt change me wanting new things. so i should start getting money for myself and the new things instead of makin my dad pay when he coudl be usin it for better things. like a house..and i have no clue where we are on the moving thing. i think its like were good for now. but we could have to up and move any day. it all depends on when the guy wakes up and feels like pushin us out, you know? .. w.e im not even worryin about that. thats pretty far down on the list of things thats on my mind. its so bad my god... i dont even KNOW whats bothering me and makin me like this. i just feel.....confused. its so much stress. damn. and lately ive just been like.. fuck it idc .. and not even wonderin why things arent bein fixed with whoever and what ever.. i just want to go chill somewhere with people that i can have a good time with and laugh and just...idk ... do w.e. and i know thats guarenteed if one of them 'someones' is sam.. but idk .. we cant just pick up and start talkin .. cus i still dont feel like fixing anything.. and we havent talked in so long. and things are goin good with my dad.. we got along all break. so thats good. and the whole new years crap.. ew. thats just rude to anyone. so much shit is bothering me i feel like my head is full. i cant think about any other bs but this crap. ahhh go awayy

it doesnt matter
christmas is so close. it came way fast. i just hope i get what i need and that im surprised. thats the best thing about christmas and it hasnt happend in years. me .. surprised. im never surprised. i mean, even in general. i always see shit comin. and youd think id have it easier bc id know what i had coming. but eh, .. it doesnt work that way. like this crap with sam. i figured shed get mad - well i saw me telling her and her getting mad. so i kept my mouth shut. and it happend anyway. and now were not friends. im not saying i had nothing to say in that decision or whatever - but one thing came and the other blind sided the entire thing. everything is blown out of porportion these days. but it doesnt matter. i hope things are cool for her and eric now. and i know what she really wanted to happen - i heard it happend. good job sam. lol.. hmmm -- i chilled with miss danielle on friday. well, last minute like plan but it worked. i was talking to her, telling her i had to decorate my tree but wasnt up to it. and she suggested she should come over and help. and she actually did. lol. i had fun =). made teaaa and tuna fish sandwiches haha. so anyway, im down to $5O bucks. i have no clue what itll be spent on. HOPEFULLY myself - but yea, my first plan of spending $115 on jeans that i wanted.. then the rest for everyones presents...went down the drain when i was free in walmart yesterday. sooo lol.. $5O for me i hopeee. i got my list for my moms figured out and sent off. and my dads, i gave him the model no. for my camera and he's 'checking it out' .. but thats pointless bc its one of them 'online only' products. soo get it ordered tonite i hope man! i really want it!! lol.. i gotta mention that shoes are on my list for him too - and ive had these shoes for so long - all other shoes are ugly to me! im about to get the same kind just bigger haha. no i want some gangster shoes still. and good shoes. ..idk though. the camera is a bit costly but hey.. i really want it. im in a really good mood - and im contemplating making sam a little christmas card before vaca -- but then again after friday's shit.. ehh that deff points more to no fuckin way. but maybe. idk yet. man people are way funny today haha. fuckin craig and even mike wilcox made me laugh again lol. sorry mike! your stuff wasnt funny anymore for a whileee.. =\ lol. well i dont know - the tree is up. its crap, but its up. lol danielle. haha. i hate my treee. i got some stufff. everythings goin cool. .. ew man we have school tomorrow. now that is gay. im lookin forward to havin off. i think im still tryin to have a new years thing - im gonna talk to my dad tonite or tomorrow. if i could find him tonite i will.. i dont know where he went. and tomorrow could work too.. lol. ok im gonna go.. im rambling - peacee peace nigga