My Own Little World

The curtains close on a kiss, god knows, we can tell the end is near

Wed, 26 Mar 2008 12:07:22 EST

Negative: -didn't get as much cleaning done as I wanted to -didn't shoot for view camera last night -not liking ac final -not doing well in pj -i get paid close to nothing -the boy's internship might fall through -my social awkwardness is getting worse and harder to deal with -i only get one day of actual 'break type fun' this spring break -i kind of want to go home and see moo -i have cavities and avoiding the dentist is only making my anxiety about it worse -one year until i graduate and realize i have no idea what to do with my life Positive: -no school or work! -a summer with no school coming up -the boy is coming home today! -mr. f is pooping in his litter box -buffy is amazingly distracting -the ferrets don't smell anymore -the boy still loves me even though he knows my big bad secrets -i love buffy -i love harry potter -one year until europe! I guess I'm trying to look at both and realize that the positive should outweigh the negative. They don't really. I think something might be wrong with my brain. I wish I wasn't so negative, but I really think I can't control it half the time. I don't know...maybe I'm just stressed. ::shrugs:: These endless days are finally ending in a blaze

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Wed, 20 Feb 2008 10:50:02 EST

Hi. I'm pretty tired. Pretty much done with life. I had to shoot portraits for my class today. I'm terrible at portraits. Like, so terrible that I might as well not go to class today. That and I still have to go to Calumet to buy paper to print these portraits and then get to school by noon to print then get to the art institute by 1 to meet my class. Afterwards, I'm coming home and eating a tasty salad, which will be my only food all day other than a slim fast. And then it's time to make 7 web pages. Then, somewhere between there, I have to get 5 shots for photojournalism. Yeah. Then I plan on dying. But only after Thursday. Because that's when a lot of stuff is due. Only good news- buying my new iMac tomorrow. Yay. Tomorrow is the day I officially sell out and give into the world of mac. Sorry, I know everyone is stressed out, but that's why I'm whining here so no one will read it. ;-) Aight, I have to go wake Ryan up so he can get ready and drive me to Calumet. Because he's awesome like that. I wish I lived in Buffy world. And I could be best friends with them and fight demons and talk all witty and stuff. Or I wish it was summer already so I could dye my hair red and pretend I'm Willow. Poop- definitely in a mood today.

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Mon, 28 Jan 2008 02:21:32 EST

I just made a huge batch of uber chocolatey brownies. Which, of course, screws up my whole diet. I also did not work out today. Which is also very against what I am trying to do. I also did not do any laundry and did not clean the litter box or Sun's tank. All of these things should make me feel like a complete and total failure. They don't. I am enjoying the chocolatey goodness of my brownies and the amazing feeling that you get after spending an entire day on your ass watching television. Anyways, I start school tomorrow. And I asked them to bump up my hours at work. Meaning after today, I will have no sit on my ass days left. Sad. Very very sad. That and my feet hurt really bad. And my shoulders and back and legs. God damn freaking working out. Actually, I am very proud of the fact that three times last week I worked myself as hard as I could. It feels good. I mean, it was only 20 minutes each time. And I'm still a total fat ass. Still need to lose 20-30 pounds. But I'm three workout sessions closer, yes?....I guess. Blech. Waiting for Ryan to get home so I can see him for 30 seconds before he takes a shower and goes to bed. Fun.

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Tue, 10 Jul 2007 09:18:10 EDT

So. I haven't updated this in basically forever. Which means that at 7:45am when I'm supposed to be getting ready for school is the perfect time to do so. I've been exhausted for the past three weeks. No amount of sleep is really helping either. Last week I got like...10 hours? of sleep. Still exhausted. Only three days of school left though....ashdljasfhjkdssf. Which I honestly am kind of not excited about. I'm glad the work will be gone, but now the only people I'll have to talk to during the day will be me. Ryan is at school everyday until 5 and I work everyday except Monday and Wednesday at 6. Meaning I'm going to see even less of him than when I was just in school. Another huge source of frustration is Harry Potter. Sounds dumb, I know. But I have these traditions, yeah? And I look forward to these things all year only to have to miss the midnight showing and go to the book release in whatever bumblefuck town we're in the night it comes out. I really want to go to OBX, but I want to go the VH midnight book party with my friends. And I want to see Harry Potter tonight. And I hate responsibilities. I hate growing up and not being able to have my life revolve around Harry Potter anymore. :-( And I have to go back to work tonight. After a week off. I hate work. I hate commuting. I hate serving. I hate people thinking I can't think for myself. Because, apparently, I need to be told every ten seconds what I need to do by someone who has served a total of zero times. Because they are the "brain" and I am the "hands". I don't need to think, really. How awesome is that? Finally a job where people realize how much of an idiot I really am!!! I'm just so bored with it. Any chance they give me to do another position for a second I grab. But for some reason they think the only thing I can do well is have other people think for me and to pick up other people's garbage. I want a quiet job. In a bookstore or library or something. I hate having a job. It's lame and stupid and gsadkncmcxvdsflkd. Oh and I have to finish my book tonight. On top of work and missing Harry Potter. Oh man, I'm a huge mess today. I ruined two of my prints last night when I was cutting them down. And I realized I didn't have enough paper. I know. I'm a fucking genius. Yeah. My book isn't going to be the greatest. Which sucks. I really wanted this to look good. Oh, and my apartment is a total fucking mess. Complete. And I have to time to clean it. Or any desire to really. But it's frustrating me how dirty it is. It annoys the hell out of me, but I don't feel like changing it. See? I'm nuts. Ok...time to get clothes on and go to class....asfjklsdfkero. Wish me luck. Hopefully I finish my final for digital today. :-p

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Tue, 08 May 2007 23:01:02 EDT

STRESSSSSSSSSS Gahr. Times ten.

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Thu, 25 Jan 2007 13:58:17 EST

Coffee makes me very jittery. Yay for four cups of coffee today!!!!!!!!!! In other news, I'm basically a terrible person because I just suck at being a friend! Yay! 10 points to me for sucking at life! Kiwi is being a crazy woman today. Actually, she's a CAT. Not a woman. Not at all.

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Thu, 18 Jan 2007 19:09:52 EST

I want to go home so badly right now. I don't want to live on my own. I feel like I'm a little kid pretending to be independant and realizing that I really don't want to be. Only I can't stop. I can't do this anymore. I'm sorry.

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Sat, 06 Jan 2007 10:28:28 EST

:-P R.H. is gone. :-( I'm exhausted and poopy and now I have to clean. May I also mention that I've gained way too much weight in the past two weeks? What's wrong with me? I think I would gain weight even if I stopped eating. -.- argh. Anyhoo. Bye chicitas. I think I might skip cleaning and go straight to bed.

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Sun, 24 Dec 2006 21:51:52 EST

Merry Christmas, all. I haven't been this crappy in a long time. I'm honestly now good enough. Nothing about me is good enough. I'm sick of trying.

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Thu, 01 Jun 2006 10:16:15 EDT

So, my world forest final. The one he said will be a short paper wrapping up the year. 8 fucking pages. Death. I'm not too happy about this, to be honest. I'm uber tired right now. I drove with Ryan to the airport last night. He got to sleep on the way back, but me being short got me stuck in the middle seat with no head rest and no way to rest my poor tired eyes. I had to fight to keep my eyes open. It was bad. I'm here now with 5 hours of sleep under my belt. Ryan got to sleep in today. What a poo-head. And I don't think he knows how to walk me to the door when he drops me off or wait for me to get inside my house before he drives off. Urgh. Most times I don't mind it. But when I'm falling asleep while standing up and I can't find the key my mom left out for ten minutes, I do kind of mind. I don't know. I'm a nerd. Anyhoooo, I have to go start this paper now. I have uber journal entries to do as well. O.o;; I am so done with this shiznit. 2.5 days left. 2.5. 2.5. lakjfkjsldfkjheruladf'39'sdfjklsdf.

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Tue, 30 May 2006 14:11:56 EDT

Ahem. Done with my english paper. Just revise it and bibliography. ::sigh of relief times ten infinity:: I can do this week, I think. Here's my schedule....just to keep me in line and thinking... Tuesday: Chapter summaries [done], Blues presentation[done] Wednesday: English paper [done.] Thursday: Religion paper [85.6% done.] Friday: English paper [done], 20 journal entries [0%done] Tuesday: Religion Final Thursday: Blues paper due [80% done] I think I might have another english and a world forest paper somewhere in there somewhere. Oh well. I can do this. All of the big things are mostly done. Eh? ::nods:: I can do this. Oh yeah...3 more [regular] school days! Three more times taking the metra by myself for three hours a day. ::sigh:: Then I'll start running and by the end of the summer, I'll be pretty. Shit. Completly forgot about Columbia. Hm. I should really send my transcripts in. And get that letter. Eeeeeep. More stress. Oh well. I am a beast, no?

Birthday

Sun, 07 May 2006 11:05:49 EDT

First birthday party since forever last night. It was fun. Everyone shows up two hours late...not so fun. But that's okay. Because I got a nice fatty dinner followed by nasty marshmallows. And there were only a few awkward silences! Which is nice. Those are always quite horrid. I'm good at creating those. It was awesome seeing people though. And I'm glad John was invited last minute. Definitly my favorite friend of Ryan's there. And Hul and Kyle showed up, which I didn't expect at all. Very cool. Anyhoo, I got a free massage and money to get more cool shorts from old navy. :-) Awesome. Uber excited for both. Birthday dinner with the 'rents tonight. Amanda just invited her scum of a boyfriend, which pisses me off. This is his first family dinner and it's my birthday. Meaning it's not gonna be my birthday. It's gonna be "so, Tony, tell us about yourself....." >.< Urgh. Alas, we are going to Pappadeaux. Mmmmm...excited. Shower time. Then estate sale. Then clean out garage. Wooo? Bye fools. And thanks time ten infinity for attending my par-tay last night if you could. :-)

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Thu, 04 May 2006 00:14:39 EDT

Birthday in 2 days! Woooo! Excited?! Yessiiir. I like parties. Hate getting old. Uber excited to see peoples though. Woooo.

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Sun, 23 Apr 2006 23:13:08 EDT

Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. I'm...not. No more, please. Guilt, stress, guilt, sick, stress, lost, stress, guilt. klajffsnvjerpadlsdfjsghgklasdghksjksghjkjla;sdfhjksdgdaklfjcfla;ksdfjk Seriously.

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Wed, 19 Apr 2006 10:25:26 EDT

I have to leave for class soon. I leave 20 mins early from the library. Which is pointless. Whatever. I'm weird about always having to have the same exact seat in my classes. I got to religion uber early yesterday and this girl had already taken my seat. >.< I swear, they're all out for me. Not cool. I want to go to Caribou and talk. Not to myself, with someone. Not with someone I usually talk to either. I want something different. I want sleep. I want motivation. I want organization (?? I don't know either) I want to....I don't know. I want to eat without feeling like I should go puke. I want to be hungry and not worry about how much I've already eaten. I want to do homework and not have it take me two hours when it really only needs 30 mins. It's not worth it, really. That's not a healthy thought, but I know that's how I look at it. I don't even know why I'm doing this. I've discovered that the way I think is not normal. All is folks that.