<center><font color=white>Leagan .08<br>'Masquerade'</center></font>

:: 2008 22 November :: 6.09pm
:: Mood: bored

anything goin on tonight? i'm sooooo bored

:: 2008 18 November :: 2.55pm
:: Music: none

Feeling like remembering
For some reason I smell something that brings up memories. It's the smell of camp fire, and dirt, and marshmallows. It reminds me of camping up north. Those were some fun times. But now, when you go there, it's almost like a ghost town. Trailers are falling apart, old buildings up there are tore down. The jeep we used to ride in is sitting and collecting dust. The fire pits are almost nonexistent. And the place where me, my mom, dad, and siblings used to put our tent is now covered with grass and other things. The last time I went up there was July. It was for Chase's Birthday Party. Which, by the way, was awesome. But it is just so different now. I don't know what triggered the smell or the thought, because it's the middle of November, it's snowing outside, and there are no fires going on anywhere around me. I remember riding quads down the hills to the beach. i remember spending The Fourth of July of there. I remember Grandpa Pyne driving the Jeep to the beach. I remember fireworks, and snakes, and quads, and cold mornings, and learning how to drive a quad for the first time....almost throwing my dad off the back. Things were alot simpler back then. Families were still together, tragedies had not arose yet, and everyone seemed happier. Some of us were divided, but, not so much. I also remember making fun of Angela. Oh god. We picked on her so bad. I remember me and Kayliegh riding around and saying the quad was our ship, which we named "Chips Ahoy". I remember all of the bikes, and the tree forts, and the tarped in area where people did "plays". I remember going tubing with Uncle Jamie and Shanarr fell off the tube. Uncle Jamie kept going on the Boat, just to mess with Shanarr. But, that's all.

:: 2008 18 November :: 2.43pm
:: Mood: content
:: Music: "No matter what" By: T.I.

Great song.
Yeah, I say still i stand
Ay, shawty here i am
hey

(Verse 1)
Never have you seen in ya lifetime
A more divine southern rapper with a swag like mine
Facin all kinda time but smile like I'm fine
Brag with such passion and shine without tryin
Believe me, pains a small thing to a giant
I was born without a dime
Out the gutter I climbed
spoke my mind and didn't stutter one time
Ali said "even the greatest gotta suffer sometimes"
So I huff and puff rhymes
Lyrics so sick wit it
Set the standard in Atlanta how to get get get it
So you up and coming rappers wanna diss, just kill it
I'm officially the realest...point, blank, period
Whether I still live in the hood or just visit
Whatever you can do in the hood I done did it
That's why the dope boys and the misfits feel it
This still his city long as TIP living, listen

(Hook)
I ain't dead (nah) I ain't done(nah)
I ain't scared(of what?), I ain't run(from Who?)
But still I stand (yeah)
No matter what pimpin here I am(Yeah)
No matter What

Remember I ain't break(never), I ain't fold(never)
They hate me more(so?)
Yeah I know(Ha, Ha)
Here I go(Yeah)
No matter what shawty, here I go
No matter what shawty

(Verse 2)
Let the blog sites and the magazines tell it
I'm sure to be in jail till 2027
Rather see me in the cell then
Instead of this new McLaren
God will take you through hell, just to get you to heaven
So even tho it's heavy, the load I will carry
Grin and still bear it, win and still share it
Apologies to the fans, I hope you can understand it
Life can change ya direction, even when you ain't planned it
All you can do it handle it, worst thing you can do is panic
Use it to your advantage, avoid insanity manage
To conquer, every obstacle, make impossible possible
Even when winning illogical, losing still far from optional
And, Yea they wanna see you shot up in the hospital
But, when life throw punches, block and counter like a boxer do
Been locked inside mi casa too long, I did a song
To make it known that the king lives on pimpin

(Hook)
I ain't dead (nah) I ain't done(nah)
I ain't scared(of what?), I ain't run(from Who?)
But still I stand (yeah)
No matter what pimpin here I am(Yeah)
No matter What

Remember I ain't break(never), I ain't fold(never)
They hate me more(so?)
Yeah I know(Ha, Ha)
Here I go(Yeah)
No matter what shawty, here I go
No matter what shawty

(Verse 3)
Even in solitude, there's still no hotter dude
I show you how to do, what you do, you ain't gotta clue
All you do is follow dudes
Sound like a lotta dudes
I'll weather whatever storm
Make it out without a bruise
I understand why, ya'll when my hands tied
They take shots, cause if I'm out there it's a landslide
But revenge is best served as a cold dish
And suckas will get served nigga no shit
Guess it was understood, for me it was over with
But I don't quit, if you ain't noticed yet
They couldn't wait to say goodnight shawty
So they can try to rhyme, act and look like shwaty
Go get a beat from Toomp, and make a hook like shawty
Before ya know it I'm back what it look like shawty
I lost my partner and my daughter in the same year
Somehow I rise above my problems and remain here
Yeah, and I hope the picture painted clear
If your heart filled with faith then you can't fear
Wonder how I face years and I'm still chillin
Easy, let go and let GOD deal with it (Ay!!)

(Hook)
I ain't dead (nah) I ain't done(nah)
I ain't scared(of what?), I ain't run(from Who?)
But still I stand (yeah)
No matter what pimpin here I am(Yeah)
No matter What

Remember I ain't break(never), I ain't fold(never)
They hate me more(so?)
Yeah I know(Ha, Ha)
Here I go(Yeah)
No matter what shawty, here I go
No matter what shawty

:: 2008 16 November :: 9.46pm
:: Mood: numb
:: Music: "Alright" by: Pilot Speed.

And tonight I lack the strength to even move.
The information given to me last night about Adam and Aubri hurt then, but now it's starting to sink in more. I do have the friends that are telling me not to worry, because he doesn't even like her. No, he has no obligation to me what-so-ever. It's not necessarily him I'm mad at. It's Aubri. We've been "BFF's" since about 6 years ago, and she goes behind my back and fools around with the guy she knows I like. That's a shitty move right there. I would never do something like that to a person I was friends with. I think last night Adam could tell I knew. When I walked past him, he opened is mouth as if to say something to me, and almost reached out and grabbed my arm. I would scoot passed him like he wasn't even there. I would scan the crowded room and pretend I didn't see his face looking at me. I would talk amongst friends like he couldn't hear me. Not talking about him of course. But, just made it seem like "I'm busy, so, don't talk to me". I was relieved when he left finally. I felt like I could finally breathe, and maybe...feel how I really felt. I put on my happy face in front of him and everyone else, but really, it was a lie. I was not happy. I was confused, hurt, betrayed, stabbed in the back, furious, and strangely I was also numb. It was an act. Oh yes, those laughs, smiles, and shy looks were for you. Tried to be like nothing ever happened. Like I said, I'm not really mad at Adam, he has no strings to me. In fact, I don't think he even knew I liked him when it happened. But he does now. I'm upset with Aubri. And she's trying to say that if I want her to stop talking to him, she will. HaHa. What am I?... His girlfriend? No. Yeah, because that's not creepy and something a psycho jealous girl would do. I told her she could talk to him if she wants, I don't give a shit. I'm not going to try to control her actions. I don't want to control her actions. I just wish she wasn't so easy. Chase says I should talk to Adam, but, I have no idea what I would say. "Hey, what's up? Yeah, I like you, do you like me back?". HA! No. A part of me feels like I shouldn't even feel this way about the situation. Oh well. Can't help it.

The rest of the night at Chase's house was pretty good though. It was just me and Kayliegh in the house, until she went to bed. I got online and talked to my good friend Eric. Talked for a couple hours and then I hear a knock on the door. I went out and answered it and it was Brendon. YAY! My male friend that I can vent to, and he actually listens. So we just talked to his friends online, watched funny youtube stuff, watched SuperBad, ate, smoked, and talked the rest of the night. Until my tired ass passed the hell out.

So right now, there's beautiful snow on the roofs of homes and cars. That was the highlight of that night. The snow. It made me feel like something new and better could be starting. And right now, I will put on my mask of contentment, because let's face it, I have family to take care of. And I don't need them wondering what's wrong.
I'm done rambling now. Thanks for reading to those that did.

-Samm d'Massacre.

5 comments | say whaaa?

:: 2008 16 November :: 3.40pm
:: Music: "I will love you" by: Fisher

music heals
Til my body is dust
til my soul is no more
I will love you, love you

Til the sun starts to cry
and the moon turns to rust
I will love you, love you

But I need to know
will you stay for all time
forever and a day
Then I'll give my heart
'til the end of all time
forever and a day

And I need to know
will you stay for all time
forever and a day
Then I'll give my heart
'til the end of all time
forever and a day

'Til the storms fill my eyes
and we touch the last time
I will love you, love you

I will love you, love you....
I will love you, love you, love you...

:: 2008 15 November :: 5.46pm

i can hear what you're thinkin', all your doubts and fears.
and if you look in my eyes, in time, you'll find the reason i'm here.
in time all things shall pass away.
in time, you may come back some day - to live once more, or die once more.

but in time, your time will be no more.

you know your days are numbered. count 'em one by one
like notches in the handle of an outlaw's gun.
you can outrun the devil - if you try.
but you will never outrun the hands of time.

in time there will surely come a day,
in time all things shall pass away.
in time, you may come back some say.
to live once more, or die once more.

but in time, your time will be no more.

i can hear what you're thinkin'...

mate, it's easy to be angry. but to be angry at the right person, at the right time, for the right reason - that's the real challenge.

love wins.
always.

:: 2008 14 November :: 3.08pm
:: Mood: contemplative

Ah yes. Teenage Girls Dilemmas.
You haven't called in 2 days. You haven't come over for your usual lunch break hang out. So, I'm only hoping she didn't get inside your head.
Hoping she didn't twist and contort your thoughts on me. She's the kind of girl that lives, breathes, and even ingests drama.

"I can't believe you ditched him! He was hurt and disappointed and upset".....Yes, well, that stung a little bit I have to say. But after I talked to you and you assured me she was blowing smoke out of her ass, I felt a bit better. The burn was gone. I hate it when she says "Well, he didn't say that. But you could tell he was thinking it".

That was last month, but her drama just brings stress and irritability into my world. I don't need anymore of that. My days lately have been waking up early, getting the kids off to school, showering Ava, dressing Ava, getting Ava onto her bus, waking my mom up, getting Ava back off of the bus, watching Ava, cleaning, chores, sometimes I talk to my friends, go to bed, and start the same thing all over again. One reason I loved the movie "Dream Catcher". It brought me a saying for my life. S.S.D.D. Same Shit, Different Day. Love it. Live it.

It seems the only thing that excites me anymore is "Alright" by: Pilot Speed. Yes, sad to say, a song is the thing that excites me most. HaHa.

But, Mom, Doug, and Ava will probably be home soon. I should start on more laundry. Yes, that's me.... House wife in training. HaHa.

-Samm d'Massacre

:: 2008 12 November :: 11.14pm
:: Mood: amused

I HAVE MOVED!
I am now located at my new journal so my bff Samm d'Massacre can blog it up, Cedar style.

Give her a warm welcome, everyone!

Yeah, I'm done. Over and out, my dear.

So drive yourself insane tonight.
It's not that far away, and I
just filled up your tank earlier today.

[edit :: 3:46am]

Yeah I'm back, and I'm stronger than ever.

I love who I love.
I spend my time doing things I enjoy.
I 'waste my gas' driving around the places I like.
I laugh at things I find funny, offensive to you or not.
I hurt your feelings because I'm honest and I don't believe in sugarcoating anything.
Yes, sometimes I antagonize and push. I have my moods. So do you.

But! UNLIKE YOU, I'm carrying out my life in the aftermath of the decisions I made, not anyone else. My morals were chiseled in me from tried-and-learned experiences in my actual life, not handed down to me from my grandparents' bible.

Fuck you for almost making me believe I was less of a person for it.

Does it really matter what kind of vodka I drink - or that I drink at all? No. And yeah, I smoke, so fucking what? At least I can sleep in the bed I've made for myself, wake up every morning and be content with the life that greets me.

My parents don't love me based on what I choose to show them and what I keep hidden away under my bed so's not to 'disappoint.' No, my dad knows about my (gasp!) premarital sex and pregnancies. My mom can come sit on the porch with me and talk about our days over a cigarette. My grandparents have seen every tattoo on my body, and my little sisters aren't surprised at anything I say.

I don't keep secrets and my honest thoughts are the first in my mouth and through my barely-parted lips.

My family and (true) friends love me not because I'm perfect, but because I'm real.

At first I was going to abstain from all social websites, but decided to keep my woohu and facebook. However, MySpace, Trig, ModelMayhem, etc - are all dead and ground into the dust.

So the bitches with the drama can get a new hobby, because I'm perfectly content to manage my life without he-said-she-said.

Thanks.

* ps, I apologize if this lacks my usual prowess with words and prose. I'm better but STILL (a bit) bitter and so am ranting with my fingertips. Who the hell am I kidding? You guys understand ;]

5 comments | say whaaa?

:: 2008 12 November :: 1.41pm
:: Mood: bouncy
:: Music: fall out boy - i don't care

but in the alley, it ain't that cheap.
i hate drama, but i hate having to be one of the stand-bys of a dramatic situation. it's nearly impossible to stay friends with both parties. i'm trying though. it's even more difficult when one won't tell you where they're gonna be that week and the other refuses to give you a means of communication with them.

i know how upset YOU are. i know how sorry YOU are. i'm just not allowed to open my mouth about it to the other person. wtf. i'm going insane.

oh and now i can't get ahold of either of these fuckers.

i swear they say one thing and turn around and change their minds within 5 sec. but i'd honestly rather deal with him than her now. sounds shitty to say but it's true and i have my reasons and you'll never know them.
unless you ask. in which case i'll tell you no. or yes. but probably no.

it's one of those situations where you know they love each other more than anything and you just KNOW you're supposed to be crashing the afterparty of their wedding, but they're both the most stubborn people i know. ever in the whole world. i've never seen either person more pathetic and fucked up when they are away from the other. but do they see any of this? nope.

they won't ever get over each other and will probably drink themselves into oblivion because neither of them can man-up and say what they need to.

OMG

:: 2008 10 November :: 10.56pm

I did blame others for my faults. I took others above the ones that mattered. I say this with the miniscule thing in my chest that keeps me alive, that i am so sorry. So so sorry......
I gave you my heart, i hope with all of me that it works for you......
I hope someday, maybe just maybe i will be forgiven.

6 comments | say whaaa?

:: 2008 10 November :: 8.44pm

it's all just part of the fairytale
i hate the people i live with and i'm pretty sure the people i want to live with just might hate me.

in other news, my knees feel like they are breaking.

back to you!

the weather is forecasted to be really dramatic with showers of china, glass, and peoples hurt feelings. dress appropriately.
also give your vehicle ample time to warm in the mornings

i hate responsibility
but love being cryptic

:: 2008 4 November :: 11.55pm
:: Music: Flaw

Another day goes by....
Long.
I`ve Been Running away for far too long
Afraid of what
Afraid of what I know is soon to come
I may not be much of an example right now
But I can give you all of my knowledge on how
to get along in this place
right now all I can say

Is that I will do the best that I can
to be a good example of man
I know one day that You`ll understand
you deserve the best that I am
you deserve the best that I am

It`s So hard
so hard to think about when I was child
so angry at life
I blamed the world for such a long long time
But Things happened so quickly
some people just go
I needed answers to heal me
I wanted to know how to get by
and now its my turn to say

Is that I will do the best that I can
to be a good example of man
I know one day that You`ll understand
you deserve the best that I am
you deserve the best that I am

This is all for you
everything in this world
everything in my world
everything in your world
things wont always go right in this life
theres always changes
we`ll make it
"Flaw: Best I Am" Lyrics to live up to

6 comments | say whaaa?

:: 2008 2 November :: 11.48am

Everyone assumes this is easy for me. While i may whine (so they say) it gets annoying and actually rough for everyone to think this is so easy. I have to deal with what i thought were my friends talking shit about me and to have her think this is easy on me. I have few friends left and i will do anything to hang on to them. I'm about to just lay down for the count. I am to the point in my life to where something as little as a dropped ipod or something so minute can just mess my head to where i will drop everything to just be alone. It is easiest to just get away from everyone so i dont say or do anything drastic or stupid. Enough rambling from me. Have a good one.

:: 2008 31 October :: 6.44pm
:: Mood: bored

sleepy and nothing to do on halloween. oh well cant wait for tomorrow

:: 2008 13 October :: 8.32pm

everything sucks.

:: 2008 3 October :: 7.19pm

party at my house tomorrow night. be there!

:: 2008 8 September :: 5.38pm
:: Mood: blank
:: Music: leaving

goin to mississippi tomorrow morning. should be there a week. maybe longer

:: 2008 4 September :: 11.08pm

Girls night
Sooo girls night with Mel was awesome.

We got married...

and had a love child...

Coors MacIce... Coors after what we were drinking, "Mac" after the dinner I made her (mac and cheese), and Ice after the ice cream we ran to the store and bought.

We talked about hanging out tomorrow so Beaver will just have to deal. :D

:: 2008 2 September :: 9.07pm

Birthday
It was alot better then I thought it would be.

:: 2008 31 August :: 12.05pm

Bleh
I am going back to bed untill I wake up...

:: 2008 29 August :: 10.35pm

I really really really really really really really dislike the company of most children. Even more so when they are left in my care.

When I was younger I always wondered why my grandmother always yelled so much at the children watched in her daycare.... Now I realize that when dealing with small children almost everyday, expecialy when you dont want to, the frustration never ends. The only way that frustration can be expressed when having to tell a child to lay down 15 times every minute during nap time or not to spit or hit, is to loose all control of the volume of your voice.... to yell.

I dont think that its possible for me to even "talk" some children anymore (mainly my youngest brother and my moms boyfriend's grandson)... I just yell.

:: 2008 25 August :: 11.36am
:: Mood: aggravated

Fuck this, I am getting a job.
You know those morning thats make you wish you hadn't woken up? Guess who is having one.

My mom stoped by just now... She is suposed to be up north with her boyfriend till tomorrow night. That was the plan, soooo I let the cleaning slide. She walks in the door (I was just woke up by a call from her boyfriend asking where she is.) and yells at me, insults me, and then assumes I will watch 3 kids for her while she takes a shower... Then she just takes off.

Gooooooooooood morning... I can see how the rest of this day will go... I will be cleaning my ass off to try and make her happy so she can not notice a thing when she gets home. (reason #42 why I feel like a house wife)

:: 2008 21 August :: 9.34am

New number.
I have a new phone number.

696 0784

Im telling all of you and posting it here because IIIII will never remember it.

:: 2008 20 July :: 7.55pm
:: Mood: giddy

so havent updated this in forever. not much goin on. ok thats a lie. haha
house sittin for my parents. they are gettin a divorce. dad said he will keep the house if i stay here. which i planned on staying anyways. i just cant wait till all this is over with cuz my mom keeps puttin me in the middle of everything. she pretty much hates me right now cuz my dad turned off her credit cards and somehow its my fault..i'm glad i have some awesome friends that help me out when i need it. my dad is tryin to get me to come down to mississippi for a while. havent made up my mind on that. not sure if i want to.

other then all that things have been fine. good week =]

:: 2008 5 May :: 10.54pm
:: Mood: bored

Do you know?

Know something about me? Tell me.
Get your own ThingsAboutME.com page

:: 2008 26 April :: 4.47pm
:: Mood: excited

Party!
party at my house tonight! 7 or 8ish be there!

:: 2008 18 April :: 2.07pm
:: Mood: cheerful

diet
well i start my diet today. i'm excited ^_^ i think i can really lose what i want in a month. maybe less. i gained quite a bit over the winter. i found this website that makes a meal and fitness plan for you according to height, weight, and the goals you want to achieve. wish me luck.

oh and i think the toughest part of this is that i'm gonna try to stop drinkin soda. haha

this ends 5-30-08

:: 2008 15 April :: 10.34pm
:: Mood: content
:: Music: Guns N Roses- Rocket Queen

Like I have stated before, I am not a very interesting writer. My life may be interesting, yet I am not very good at translating into text. As I write, Paul, our kitten is curled up on my neck. It is actually strangely alright with me. Jess and I watched one of the "8 films to die for" a little while ago, and frankly it was creepy, but by no means that scary. that is about that, although i am starving again. Damnit........

:: 2008 14 April :: 12.20am
:: Mood: tired

first entry
This is my first entry and i have no idea what to say. I am having severe cravings for waffles and i am getting driven crazy for the need of strawberry eggos. I am in also in love and going to bed. I am definately not the most interesting person to read about and for that, yeah goodnight.

7 comments | say whaaa?

:: 2008 14 April :: 12.12am
:: Mood: bitchy

and so i lied
we are back to this now but for this time, i mean it.
cause alex has one now so i guess i kinda am obligated to - you know - write.

and keep him in line.

and i miss you all