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:: 2004 5 October :: 11.43 pm
:: Mood: sad
:: Music: Broken

Dude, im lost. I didnt even realize how "gone" i was untill my teachers brought it up. Other ppl realized something was wrong before me, im just now getting it. Some ppl are calling it post traumatic stress.... i guess thats possible. I dont know. All i know is, is that im at a really low point.

I have never truely felt lonely. I feel like ive lost some of the closest ppl i have. I lost my two best friends in a matter of weeks, my guy pillars are practically gone.....i have no really close chick friends, my group is gone, fun is gone, my confidence that came from my group is gone, i have ppl at school but i need more. My family is here, but there are troubles there too. Is this was depression feels like? The feeling of wondering why you wake up everyday, go to school, come home, do hw, and go to bed. There is stuff here and there but thats basically it.

I guess what i lost most was Jer. He held me up and made everything ok. Thats gone, the on person that made life seems simple is gone, and i know in my heart im not getting him back. Its over.

The fun I speak of seems to have disappeared and ive slipped into an amiss. Im so low right now, and why isnt anyone breaking my fall? Is it my fault that no one really knows how deep down im hurt? Is it my fault no one knows that its not that "im tired" its that ive been crying.

I guess it all started w/ my parents getting separated, then together, then cheating, then mt grandmother dying slowly, then total mess w/ a guy friend, a "best friend" hurting me so fuckin much i cant even describe, the hurricane creating a complete and utter mess, the lose of the ppl i love, and soooo much more im not including. And now here i am, bottled up and so low.

Im not writing this for sympathy or replies or anything, id actually rather you not say anything if you do happen to read this. Just let it be.

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:: 2004 1 September :: 2.55 pm
:: Mood: Fine


Well...a hurricane hit almost two weeks ago and we didnt have power or internet and we still dont and we lost our lani....after that i did some stupid stuff that left me practically deformed.....then one of my closest friends and a dude friend that i was trying to work on blew up and i will never speak to her house just got hit by lightening which started an electrical fire so 5 or 6 fire trucks came along w/ the police and put it out last night, i was just standing there in the rain in finally ended and we have about 15,000 in damages.....i am now at my aunts and uncles house and another hurricane is on the way


Well a couple weeks ago my mother and I survived the hurricane practically unscathed, i did some shit that was pretty funny and is now a huge joke, school is great, my fight w/ the guy and girl just made me stronger and now i know who my true friends are,luckily we caught the fire because if we hadn't it would have hit our propane tank and my whole family and i would be dead right now, the hurricane isnt headed for us and i got a day off of school..not to mention i spent the night w/ some hot firemen! woohoo!

i guess its all in how you look at it!

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:: 2004 8 August :: 3.57 pm
:: Mood: accomplished
:: Music: Ashlee Simpson- Pieces of Me

Lmao I am so bipolar! After I wrote journal entry last night and I was all mad and upset, I talked to someone you all practically lothe! Anyway, normally he is the bad guy and the guy pushing me to bad things well......he is freakin reformed! YES! I knew he could! My project worked!!! He was amazing!!! He was sooo sweet and great! I can't even tell you the sweet things that occured but.....for the longest time he pushed me to do "bad" things. Now, he keeps me in line (because i was totally in the mood to do reckless things ) even though it was against what he really wanted. No odd remarks (like he is notorious for) and he was totally great! I dunno if i got through to him or what but........damn he is like perfect! YES!!!!! YES!!!!! Yay!!

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:: 2004 8 August :: 2.28 am
:: Mood: bitchy
:: Music: Nirvana

Fuck All
Im pissed man! Dont you hate it when you are on a lil track right? And everything is going peachy and then all of a sudden your best train gets totally derailed and its a son of a bitch to clean up and it really hurts your tracks for some reason and its not supposed to because your made of steel right? But it still has some major scratches! I hardly doubt anyone will get this considering its a weird analogy but whatever, probably for the better.

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:: 2004 5 August :: 5.51 pm
:: Mood: confused
:: Music: Creepy music from The Secret Window

Young ppl relationships change so quickly, why is this? Is it good or bad? Why can't we ever make up our minds and stick w/ that? Why is it that once your ok w/ a sitiation it does a 180 on you? Its frustrating and tiresome. Is this everyones issues currently or just mine? ....just throwing some questions in the air.

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:: 2004 3 August :: 5.24 pm
:: Mood: angry
:: Music: NOT NOFX

All of my relationships are going to hell dammit!

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:: 2004 31 July :: 1.34 pm
:: Mood: blank

Shitty night, enough said.

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:: 2004 29 July :: 8.43 pm
:: Mood: pissed off
:: Music: Fuck it

Ummm mad
A word of advice to all men, dont go drinking to the point that you cant drive your damn date! It kinda pisses us off!

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:: 2004 29 July :: 12.57 am
:: Mood: blah
:: Music: Twisted

Im back and tonight
Im back in town, yay! if you wanna know about my night....go to its easier than me retyping it again. L8r

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:: 2004 24 July :: 11.02 pm
:: Mood: Peachy
:: Music: Country!!!

Few days ago I hung out w/ the group and that was ok, ya'll were there so there is no use in getting into it. I flew into San Fran like 2 days ago, hung around and had an amazing dinner. San Fran has changed alot! Then yesterday we drove to Reno which wasnt so bad because I was reading a damn good book, Lance Amstrog's 1st book which is actually making me think aboutdoing a triatholon! Shocker i kno! Today was our memorial/family reunion where we basically sat around, told some stories, ate alot, no fights, a lil bordem but thats excpected, i went on a harly, fun stuff! Tomarrow we are hanging around here and then we are going back to San Fran to catch a flight! By the way, if you guys think floridas hot, THINK AGAIN! It scorching out here! Miss ya xoxoxoxo byes (if spelling and shit is wrong its this weird computer thingy, ill explain later) Byes!!

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:: 2004 21 July :: 2.38 pm
:: Mood: amused
:: Music: Bright Eyes

Last Night
Hello all !!! Last night included Ali, Michelle, Ginny, Nick (Ginny's cousin), and I. We all went out to this uber fun place that Michelle and Ginny had previouly found. The "dark room" is the most kickass place I've ever been, I love it there! I'm going to like recreate it in my room! It started out w/ Michelle, Ali, I, and some Senior. The Senior ended up leaving and ginny came in. LoL Michelle and I, and I'm sure Ali was hungry so we convinced them(Michelle and Ginny) to go get us food (that was a mistake!!!) Anyway Nick came him and we talked w/ him for a while, he seemed to be a pretty neato guy. :-) Anyway they returned w/ our food and we were "ready" to go so we went down and ate.

There was damn tomatos on my burger so that alone w/ many other items that were placed on Ali's and my bugers were splattered around us lol! Ginny had uber problems w/ that and walked all the way around the other side of the car to get her drink! lmao! Not to mention I was left w/out ice after attempting to throw it all down Ali's shirt, it was just too tempting! At this point Michelle and Nick read my lil...."story" for the first time which leads to a conversation about clits lol. Nontheless, it was getting late because our parents were being weird so we dropped off Ali and when I went in to use the restroom they drove around the block and didn't come back to pick me up for like 2 minutes, lol I just stood there, I don't know what they were doing! Anyways Michelle was the next to be dropped off and Ginny was probably happy because Michelle was the ringleader of yelling at her about how slow she was going and changing lanes, which obviously got me started! LoL we love you Ginny! I was then dropped off and Ginny spent the night at her grandma's house w/ Nick. That was just about it......xoxoxo love ya byes mwah!

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:: 2004 17 July :: 4.22 pm
:: Mood: tired

The past 24 hours...
Last night fuckin rocked, everbody was one pissed me off....everyone looked good and it just all feel into place which is rare(except for the fact i got open mic night and jazz night messed up but it turned out ok)! Well I drank too much cafieen (sp?) and was up till at least 4 and kept Ali up w/ me lol! Sorry babe im a bitch! Anway we get up at 7 oclock to get ready go around town for shiz and get to Auto Zone and it raining and the ppl in my car were like "we should still do it because the rain will stop in a really short period of time (suprise suprise its florida!) and when the rain dyes everyones cars will have weird looking water spots and the rain is going to make it muddy!(and it will make things cooler for us)" ....NOT TO MENTION i came back and talked to ppl that were like "omg i needed my car washed so bad" and all i could do was cringe. So nonethless the band that we were doing it for didnt want to do it in the rain, because it didnt make since and that we were just wasting our we called it off or rather "postponed" it.

Anyway....chatting w/ an unknown guy that is a cousin of a friend, im just asking for trouble all over again arent i? He is black. Talks it and definatly seems to act it so yea.....and he is my age and i dont like that, i like a lil older preferably.....gimmie advice before i start gettin into this guy!

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:: 2004 13 July :: 3.42 am
:: Mood: grateful
:: Music: silence

well.....its 3 in th morn and im home, it was a good trip but im very grateful to be home again! i missed everything! :-) xoxox love you guys byes

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:: 2004 8 July :: 11.25 pm
:: Mood: curious
:: Music: Smile Empty Soul......and alot of it

Okay....well Chicago was Arts Institute or something (my cousin's choice). Great food! I compared Northwestern and Madison and shockingly I like Madison soooo much more!! But then again Madison was shown to me by family and i got inside storied about streaking,egging, frat houses, what buildings to climb, best places to drink, best parties, best places to eat, and stuff like that. For Northwestern no one was there and it was very pretty but it felt.......cold. I just didnt like the feel of it, which is odd. Anyway thats my lil update, alot more occured but i care about you guys and i dont want to bore you TOO too late i know :-) Love you guys! Ill be back Monday! Hopefully we can all get together before everyone leaves again. XoxXoXo byes

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:: 2004 7 July :: 1.00 am
:: Mood: content
:: Music: 12 Stones

ok quickly (one computer and a cousin that needs it too!). Ok......saw 12 stones and they kicked ass and Three Days Grace was pretty good, we met some pretty cool ppl but ya know nothing could progress because we dont live there. Anyway my cousin and i played soccer which was fun, i went to Madison today and i want to go to college there(more on that later). Im talking to April again which is interesting. The James shit is kinda continueing but not really...thank gawd. Im going to Chicago tomorrow which is frickin awesome, college hunting and shopping, my two fav things! :-) G2G love you all xoxoxo byes!

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:: 2004 3 July :: 11.50 pm
:: Music: Aphasia and Trapt

Well party today and concerts last night and tomorrow night! Ok lets start w/ last night, i saw Aphasia( totally loved them! My cousin and i went to see them because they were on before Trapt and they were pretty damn good! Really hot bass plaier!So ya go to their site and listen to their music, their cd comes out really soon. Then we moved up after listening to them and got to like the 7th row and listened to Trapt which was fucking amazing! They are one of my favs now which is slightly suprising. Lead singer is the only hot one though. But there was two really trashed guys that someone let in towards the end of the show and they kept falling off the bleachers and making everyone around them fall. At the very end they threw the drum sticks and my cousin almost got it! She touched it and the guy in front of her grabbed it! Dammit! Anyway we got home pretty early( 1 ish) and we had gone w/ my aunt and uncle so they gave us a ride home. Next, today my grandparents had their 70th B-day party and ppl were all around and i didnt wake up till it started lol! Anyway, the high points were getting along w/ my cousins and my cousins kinda hot friend which i was contimplating messing around w/ but he was too young. Anyway, it was a good bonding time lol. Then tomorrow my cousin and i are going to see Three Days Grace which should be pretty damn fun considering its the last day of Summerfest (meaning its going to be crazy) so yea.....ill update it once i see them of course. Nothing else too special, kinda errr about the car wash being moved all around but oh well, i cant do to much about it now. Love you guys! Cant wait to see you guys! I still haev to get another week of Madison and Chicago lol! Lots of shopping and so perfect hehe! Mwah xoxoxoxox byes

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:: 2004 30 June :: 12.05 pm
:: Mood: chipper
:: Music: Madonna

LaLaLaLa (lol so amanda)
Well here is my cookies and baked goods by day and going to Summerfest and doing a lil partying at night. My cousin and i just went to see Flaw and Smile Empty Soul, they kicked ass! The only bad thing was that they had the crowd stand on like bleachers (all at the same height) so we couldnt be in a mosh pit but thats fine. My cousin Becky and i were standing in the Something Corporate crowd waiting for them to start and my mum called saying her plane was in early so we had to go before they started, but on the way we got to hear Drowning Pool a lil before we left! They were pretty fuckin good, too bad we didnt get to see the whole show! Anyway, as we were walking inbetween shows i ran into Heidi( one of two friends i have in WI) and it was fucking amazing! Summerfest is like a million ppl on a 2 week span of time and that was the only day she was going and we happened to be at the same concert! We chatted very quickly and unfortunatly got split up but thats ok, i can probably talk to her later. So we are going back on Friday to see either The Used, Trapt, or Dashboard Confessional. I think we are leaning towards Trapt and we will possibly go to Marron 5 before that. We will be w/ my uncle and aunt and you know what that means, free beer!!!! :-) And then we wil be there on the fourth of July, crazyist day by far, and see Three Days Grace. Anyway, hope the car wash works out.........and miss you guys alot! XoXoXoXo Mwah byes!

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:: 2004 28 June :: 12.51 am
:: Mood: crushed
:: Music: Smile Empty Soul

End of an Era
Mark it down in your planners and journals, the "James" era is over. It has taken... 1..2..3..4..5..6..7..8..9.. months for someone very close and special to me(my best friend actually) to finally say "he is a scumbag/asshole and you deserve so much better, its time to cut your losses and get the hell out of the situation". well this time that person actaully made sence, so here i am, almost a year of my life....spent on something i have a dead feeling for now. it makes me contimplate all the movies ive watched saying "ive wasted years of my life on this person" and i can almost understand what they are talking about now. i never understood what they were speaking of, and now i do and i feel so terrible for all those pain-in-the-ass situations. this message isnt sent out for sympathy or empathy in some situations, its for all the people who begged me to move on months ago and said he wasnt anything special, and for all the people who had to hear ever inch of the story. thank you and im sorry i didnt listen a long time ago! i love you all and miss you guys ttyl xoxoxoxo bye

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:: 2004 26 June :: 8.16 pm
:: Mood: happy
:: Music: Summerfest music

Grandma's house
Ok made it to WI in one piece! Nothing TOO interesting is occuring....all things that include long stories that im not really willing to type. Sorry its been so long but yea know....messed up computers and all. I hope everyone is having fun in their individual places and I hope they get there safe! I love you all and can't wait to see ypu guys again, its been too long. Ill talk to you all individully later anyway. XoXoXo love you guys! byes!

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:: 2004 8 June :: 3.48 pm
:: Mood: cheerful
:: Music: My whole frickin playlist

Ali's house
Ok...its been a long while since ive written....meaning my computer is very much broken therefore i must wait till i stay at ali's to get anything done! LoL anyway school is over obviously, alot of talking to close friends which is good. all problems are across the atlantic so......i wont have to think about them for 3 months (yay) anyways im trying to be a good girl and not get myself into too much trouble! i leave on the 26th or something and im only gone for 2 weeks so yuperz! ttyl mwah xoxoxoxo :-)

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:: 2004 19 May :: 4.17 pm
:: Mood: contemplative
:: Music: Your Winter: Sister Hazel

Finals and summer
Well, Im going through my normal "omg im loosing everyone and myself" at the end of summer as usual. im waiting for it to pass. and a question, what is a really good conversation starter?? please answer lol its needed! :-) i cant talk about it in 2 weeks lol xoxoxoxoxo byes!!

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:: 2004 15 May :: 3.04 pm
:: Mood: cheerful
:: Music: hehe lots

Okay, if anyone happens to be in Milwakee from June 24-July 4 like I'm going to be, I would highly suggest going to Summer Fest, it is freakin amazing! Here are my personal favorities for each day!

June 24-The Darkness
June 25-KId Rock w/ Puddle of Mudd,Chevelle
June 26-Sister Hazel
June 27-Fountains of Wayne, Jason Mraz
June 28-Blink 182! Smile Empty Soul, The Donnas, Drowning Pool
June 30- Nickelback w/ 3 Doors Down,Pat Benatar, Kool & the Gang
July 1- The Ataris
July 2- John Mayer/Marron5, the Used, Dashboard Confessional, Switchfoot, trapt
July 3-311
July 4- Fuel, Three Days Grace, Jet

Ill definatly be there on the 2nd but i might fly up early to catch a few of those acts. Oh and it turns out im going to Cali this summer. Ill be in the northern part. Hopefully i can check out a few schools there along w/ the ones in WI and IL. Ok 12 days of schols left! Byes xoxoxo

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:: 2004 28 April :: 8.36 pm
:: Mood: cheerful
:: Music: Silence

Natural Highs
IT DOES MAKE YOU FEEL GOOD, especially the thought at the end.
1. Falling in love.
2. Laughing so hard your face hurts.
3. A hot shower.
4. No lines at the supermarket
5. A special glance.
6. Getting mail
7. Taking a drive on a pretty road.
8. Hearing your favorite song on the radio.
9. Lying in bed listening to the rain outside.
10. Hot towels fresh out of the dryer.
11. Chocolate milkshake. (or vanilla or strawberry)!
12. A bubble bath.
13. Giggling.
14. A good conversation.
15. The beach
16. Finding a 20 dollar bill in your coat from last winter.
17. Laughing at yourself.
18. Midnight phone calls that last for hours.
19. Running through sprinklers.
20. Laughing for absolutely no reason at all.
21. Having someone tell you that you're beautiful.
22. Laughing at an inside joke.
23. Friends.
24. Accidentally overhearing someone say something nice about you
25. Waking up and realizing you still have a few hours left to sleep.
26. Your first kiss (either the very first or with a new partner).
27. Making new friends or spending time with old ones.
28. Playing with a new puppy.
29. Having someone play with your hair.
30. Sweet dreams. Or hot ones!
31. Hot chocolate.
32. Road trips with friends.
33. Swinging on swings.
34. Making eye contact with a cute stranger.
35. Making chocolate chip cookies.
36. Having your friends send you home-made cookies.
37. Holding hands with someone you care about.
38. Running into an old friend and realizing that some things (good or bad) never change.
39. Watching the expression on someone's face as they open a much desired present from you.
40. Watching the sunrise.
41. Getting out of bed every morning and being grateful for another beautiful day.
42. Knowing that somebody misses you.
43. Getting a hug from someone you care about deeply.
44. Knowing you've done the right thing, no matter what other people think.

"Friends are angels who lift us to our
feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly."

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:: 2004 26 April :: 9.24 pm
:: Mood: cheerful
:: Music: We Dont Care

Ok the cutest song i have heard in a long time is Kayne West's We Dont Care. Someone played it at BYOM (bring your own music) day and i love it! Download it! So cute!

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:: 2004 25 April :: 10.26 pm
:: Mood: chipper
:: Music: DMX: Who We Be

ok here we go! lol to andi, cali, gimpy, sunbum, yellowchicki and me! Friday, the beach near my house, 7 o'clock. Sunbum already has a yes and is bringing lots of fruit, i can and ill bring the whipped cream and peanut butter. I can only have one person sleep over and thats sunbum so if everyone else could get rides( yellowchick please!!!) that would be awesome!! ok call or IM me or reply to tell me if you guys can go. Hope ya can it will be fun! Byes!! XoXoXoXo

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:: 2004 25 April :: 8.06 pm
:: Mood: amused
:: Music: Prince:1999

Ok in addition to the are long as you dont get off to them. Talking but no touching at all i guess.Guys that you talk to must first be approved by other member's of The Guy Diet. Also...if no one else minds.....since this is strictly a GUY diet that means i get girls(lmao dont ask please!). ok thats it for now

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:: 2004 24 April :: 4.56 pm
:: Mood: enthralled
:: Music: Britany Spears: Toxic

Guy diet!
Okay, in honor of all the guys that have broken hearts....i am beginning my guy diet! Kelsey has agreed to join me and if would would like to joing to send me a reply! ok here are the rules...
1) no talking about previous guys( especially me)
2) no boyfriends in the next 2 month period
3) no sexual interaction UNLESS it doesnt mean ANYTHING (lol i know its weird but it works)
4)no flirting with ASSHOLES, or any that get an attitude!
5) no girls either (for me)
ok if anyone has better rules tell me lol
this is about growing and thinking about yourself and getting rid of all the crap that goes along w/ guys. lmao ok! im done

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:: 2004 21 April :: 9.35 pm
:: Mood: confused
:: Music: Cure: lovesong

i wish
i wish i just didnt care, i wish i was cold hearted, i wish i could move on even though things arent finished, i wish i could move on even though i didnt get what i wanted, i wish... i could take the last 6 months back(but not valentines), i wish if i hadnt taken the last 6 months back that i would have gotten to him first or something, i wish i found a guy that made me want to move on, i just wish that i knew what to do, i wish he didnt make me soooo happy or soooo sad, i wish he couldnt control my emotions w/ a flip of a switch, i just wish

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:: 2004 19 April :: 5.58 pm
:: Mood: ecstatic

So happy!
Im fucking glowing! I havent been this happy in like......i dont know how many YEARS! damn.....i dont know what to do w/ myself im so happy! lmao! ttyl byes XoXoXoXoXo mwah!!

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:: 2004 17 April :: 8.03 pm
:: Mood: sick
:: Music: silence

Ok had a great time last night, but if you want to hear about it go to either Yellowchicki or Cali to hear about it! HeHe im not typing it :-) HAPPY B-DAY and it sooo great about Brandon! Luv YAz! Byes

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