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:: 2004 28 December :: 11.24 pm

why can I never find the words to what I really need to say?
why do I ask that question when I know the answer?

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:: 2004 28 December :: 2.45 pm
:: Music: Pixies

my blood tests came back good
so I guess it's just my nadalol that's making my blood pressure spike so spuratically
I guess this means I have to get into better shape, I can already take cyler down using only my legs, what more do they want?
so I'll take up running, starting in 15 minutes, do some more crunches, push ups? eat more raw citrus, got myself a crock pot so I can make some stews, get healthy, this is my new years thing
got some great cds
saw the life aquatic last night with eric, it was pretty good
maybe I'll start to generally do better now, maybe if I get out more, take up running and cook myself better, regular meals my blood pressure will balance out and I'll do better generally
anyone want to join me in this little thing?

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:: 2004 24 December :: 10.52 pm

The Little Christmas Mericles
I got all my shopping done, all the gifts sorted and wrapped and delivered in a discreet manner except those I had to send, they'll take longer, no one saw me, no hitches, things were good
the tree fell over, on me, but I'm fine, we redocerated it in time and it's held up by a string
I made it down to spokane for the traditional dinner, had a good time with Eric and Peter, found out for sure that I'll be off to the UK this summer, Lee cooked wonderfully as per each year we do this
Eric's doing better, and things are healing over, the scratches on my hands are fading and m blood pressure's not so bad
we're scraping by on not so much cash ... trust me, it's really not pretty sometimes, and still managed to throw together some feast for Mo and Peter O. and to make the neighbors happy and loved, somehow we'll manage to keep the electricity and food until the new year
and my personal favorites
we made it from Deer Park back home, that's about 30 miles, on empty, we were worried about having to walk all the way to Chewelah to get Mo because nothing's open from here to Deer Park now, bbut we made it ... the car was a wreck
and I'm doing ok mentally, friends are good, things are going all right
I'm still staying away from anti-depressants and doing well with myself
... I think ... for now ... my life's been for a while ... a little christmas mericle

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:: 2004 20 December :: 6.08 pm

disclaimer of life
I'm human too
not just cold or stone
I might not recoild when you bite me, I might take your insults, I might handel your problems, I might seem intelligent
but I'm human, I fuck up, I make mistakes, I suffer from emotion, sometimes I don't know what to say or do
and it's the times when I don't do things well that the quips of man find an entterance
it hurts to fuck up
pain makes me colder
it's a vicious circle
I think I'm out and they pull me back in

why am I who I am?

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:: 2004 17 December :: 9.16 pm
:: Music: random thoughts on current events

well, I'm single again
got some christmas shopping done
loving jen for giving me these awsome esspresso beans "since I've been known to down shots of ginsing"
saw paul at hastings, talked a bit
thinking of a way to get pat up here

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:: 2004 14 December :: 7.53 pm

they said they don't know yet what's going on with me
one thinks it might be alot of small things, one thinks it's something big, one thinks I at least have migrains and one thinks I'm at least having panic attacks, but they made another appointment to look at me
but I'm brace free
depressed, anxious
not doing a ok

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:: 2004 13 December :: 10.16 pm

I am really depressed right now
I'll be gone tomarrow for many appointments, I decided I'm not taking any chances, general physical, shrink appointment, make an appointment with the neurologist, and then I've got the ortho and dental, it's a full day of medical narcotics everyone
I need to get away from ... everything for a while
I think what I really need in life right now is, idealy, a stiff drink and a good round of isolation, or just to know something's going right, either way I'll cope, I always cope with it

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:: 2004 11 December :: 8.34 pm

I'll miss Skyler, the lost boy
I know how I feel, so I won't post it all here

I cried
and wear the black ribbon

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:: 2004 10 December :: 10.27 pm

fuck it

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:: 2004 7 December :: 10.12 pm

I've just been so damn tired lately
well ... Kenlein was amazed by my insight today .... yay ... but I hate it when these people say I'm bright, when they say I'll go somewhere, I hate it when they build me up because I fail, as a student and as a person ... I do my best but we all fuck up, and the higher they put me the harder I'll fall ... the more it hurts us all when I fail ... I don't want that to happen
notes on life ... morgan, was pissed at me, now feeling much better
SOTV practice tomarrow
Kayla called, interesting
A little party coming up, need to find a massive amount of Mountain Dew
Emily Lou and I will now be systematically taking over the world, today America, tomarrow the middle east ... and then ... Indonesia!!!
People love my last name way to much
Nick is an interesting person
I think I need a vacation
I can't get little clips of music out of my head
I need sleep

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:: 2004 3 December :: 12.01 am

well ... some stuff's new

I'm strung out over three classes, and maintianing my good status within these, that chem test was hell, and I'm not really so worried about English, but Math ... never liked it

so tori and gabe, good good, I'm very happy bout that, Jordan however... is not making me too happy, but I see where he's coming from

had a snowball fight at the bus stop the other day, just a fun memory I thought I'd bring up, pegged theo in the head twice

tomarrow I can rest ... kinda, I'm goin salsa dancing with Michal, Jordan, Taylor and company, then saturday I'm doing something odd
for a few of my single and depressed friends of the female persuasion I've organized a day where we are all getting together to drown our sarrows in ice cream and chick flicks, they have dubbed me an official girl ... so ... that's cool ... but I care about these people, they're sad ... so why not get them to have a bit of fun

next week the sixtet has practice, I wonder if we can still call it Sewage of the Vatican, it is a great name, and I'm thinking of forming a duo ... maybe with Saiki or Travis, possibly Tim ... anyone who thinks they can play the first violin part of the concerto for two violins

and then there's that party I got invited too, the masqurade one, that'll be great, wear a mask and fedora all night, go in and have a good time, there'll be a keg of mountain dew and we'll drink it with a beer bong

my week is filling up and I have to much work, it feels like I'm balancing too much, I feel tired, but I feel like I don't do enough
what's wrong with this picture?

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:: 2004 27 November :: 10.23 pm

there's the right and there's the left
... but
Imagine there's no heaven
It's easy if you try
No hell below us
Above us only sky
Imagine all the people
Living for today

Imagine there's no countries,
It isn't hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion too
Imagine all the people
Living life in peace may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope some day you'll join us
And the world will be as one

Imagine no possessions
I wonder if you can
No need for greed or hunger
A brotherhood of man
Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope some day you'll join us
And the world will live as one

I think people are one and we really are, if you think I'm going to hell becuase I'm a buddhist, fine just don't talk to me about it, I'm happy with what I am, so don't try to change me (trust me all you converters, it's really a turn off from the religion) I'm fine with who you are but if you attack me or my ideas I'll fight like hell, try to bend me I won't stand for it
face it people, not matter who you are what you prescribe too you always have 5 billion or more people with different ideas, yes even the Christians and the Muslims

well here's life, we're on this earth, if there's something bigger going on we shouldn't fight here, becuase we're all working to express our beliefs and ideas, let's face it, many things have been warped over the years ... but imagin ...think ... that we're just ... us, so stop the moral superiority, stop conformity, stop supression and face world issues, face common ideas
that's my zen

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:: 2004 26 November :: 5.26 pm

They're falling apart, the family I know once so well, so happy, they're turning to the same dust mine has
And the way people say when they meet me, you're going somewhere, makes me want to cry, because I'm nothing special, not even compared to these people I used to know .... I'll let them all down

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:: 2004 22 November :: 11.13 pm

well, did the rehersal thing, 8 hours of practice, that was hell
things haven't been the best, I'm a little worried
last night I started bleeding from my ear, and I've been geeting light headed again, lauren convinced me to see a doctor
I've got a seven hour rehersal and a concert tomarrow, leading sectionals on wednesday, and then I'm gone, oh joy

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:: 2004 19 November :: 1.33 am

good night, saw the play with morgan, it was great
after the show met up with Jen, went back to talk to the cast, some skin from vivi, a hug from katy (I think she really appreciated that we showed up) and all's well in the world
it was good to go, not only was it a good show but the actors rarely get to hear direct praise from you and you never get to hear their appreciation, that was a good night ... now sleep

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