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"the important things in life aren't always things"

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:: 2005 29 April :: 11.51 pm
:: Mood: aggravated

well i did it. i got up he nerve to break up with peter. my primary concern was trying to not hurt his feelings even tho everyone told me that it would be inevitable. but i felt like shit cuz he cried. i think that the poor kid actually really liked me. but he was moving way too fast - we had only been together for 1 1/2 months. he wanted to convert me to mormon(ism?) and wanted to get marryed and have kids. im sorry, but im 18 years old and the thought of having a future with anyone at this point of time is totally out of the question. plus, there's no way that i will raise my kids mormon. im sorry, but it's not happening. its been two days, and he called while i was working. he wants to get together and talk this over. but im thinking that he wants to get back together. the answer is no. i love the kid as a friend and really not much more. there is no future between the two of us. i dont know how to relay this to him without furthering squanching his feelings. im very much perturbed. if only i had realized this a lot sooner, it would have saved both of us the pain (me the pain of having to hurt someone, him the pain of getting hurt.) it's thoroughly perplexing. so here i sit, with my half gallon of turtle rock ice cream trying to figure out what to say to him. it's stupid boys to blame for makin us fat. pssh.

1 people love life | do u love life?

:: 2005 26 April :: 1.41 pm
:: Mood: blah

im very perplexed.

the whole religion issue thoroughly pisses me off. i believe in the existence of god. why must i attend a church every sunday just to prove to everyone that i am going? it's bullshit. if only i could find a church that is accepting of everyone, that wont condemn me for who i am. but no, that wont happen until i move out. which i cant afford to do.

riley's visitation was yesterday. i couldnt go because i had to work. he wasnt a "permenent" ts guy, but he showed up a lot. fremont is absolutely torn apart. but when tragedys like this occur, we all come together as one. still, he will be sorely missed.

even tho i can technically get my license back on june 24, i probably wont. id have to pay between $150-200 to the govt jus to get it back and then turn around and drop $2031 for insurance. i cant afford - well i can but i dont want to drop four grand a year on plpd. it aint worth it. and plus, if i wait til at least jan, i wont have to be on restricted for 6 months. i just dont know.

i hate relationships. they suck. and as usual, it's me. not them, me. im the one who loses interest and gets bored and tired of it all. i mean, sure petey's a nice guy and all, but im just tired of it. i dunno. i guess im jus ready to move on. but he actually really likes me. he practically adores the ground i walk on. but i jus cant bear to hurt him. but by not telling him how i feel, im hurting him anyways.its a lose-lose situation. i should just become a nun so i wont have this problem.

on a more pleasant note, i did fairly well on my exams, i had a really good shave and i get to spend the day with my mommy and hailey!

1 people love life | do u love life?

:: 2005 20 April :: 8.24 am

oyea - another random comment. as most of you know, there is a new pope. has anyone noticed that he has an uncanny resemblence to uncle fester?

do u love life?

:: 2005 20 April :: 8.06 am
:: Mood: somewhat tired, but otherwise chipper
:: Music: damn circus song

i decided that me and peter are extremely good for each other. he is helping me with my downfalls. hes convinced that he can turn me into a better person. now that can be viewed negatively i suppose, but it offers me some hope. my self respect is increasing as is my self esteem. ive given up drinking. my nicotine intake is slowly dwindling. and when i get my license back, i decided that im going to actually attempt to drive between my designated hours. i only need about 50 more credit hours before i can become a probie officer and keep other delinquents in line. my life is shaping up. it's a nice change.

65 days till i have the opportunity to bless the roads with my wonderful driving!

hailey is the most beautiful girl in the whole wide world...and i might get to meet her joel today!

jessa - when are you due?

granted everyone should care about how they physically look, but i decided that im not going to really care much anymore. i will continue to shower and such, its jus the whole weight issue that really bugs me about girls. they think that theyre way to frickin fat, regardless how anorexically thin they are. we stay warm in the winter - there's nothing wrong with that.

today is 4/20. this has absolutely no meaning to me anymore. it just reminds me of the stupidity of my younger years.

i dont have class for another 5 hours so i think im gunna go back to sleep. nite kids.

1 people love life | do u love life?

:: 2005 11 April :: 11.31 pm
:: Mood: thoughtful

WHENEVER Richard Cory went down town,
We people on the pavement looked at him:
He was a gentleman from sole to crown,
Clean favored, and imperially slim.

And he was always quietly arrayed,
And he was always human when he talked;
But still he fluttered pulses when he said,
“Good-morning,” and he glittered when he walked.

And he was rich—yes, richer than a king—
And admirably schooled in every grace:
In fine, we thought that he was everything
To make us wish that we were in his place.

So on we worked, and waited for the light,
And went without the meat, and cursed the bread;
And Richard Cory, one calm summer night,
Went home and put a bullet through his head.

**this is one of the most thought-provoking poems i have ever read. every single one of us can relate to it. we all hide behind masks, and then when something causes us to blow up as a result of all the built up pressure, everyone acts surprised. its crazy. what a damn good poem. this might actually be a fun paper to write. thanks justin!**

1 people love life | do u love life?

:: 2005 5 April :: 12.12 pm
:: Mood: thoughtful

isnt it ironic how something drastic has to happen, for everything to come into focus?

do u love life?

:: 2005 14 March :: 8.32 am
:: Mood: chipper

i like petey!!!

What Is Your Best Sexual Skill?
Flirting Skill Level - 64%
Kissing Skill Level - 55%
Cudding Skill Level - 44%
Sex Skill Level - 91%
Why They Love You You know exactly what they want.
Why They Hate You You kiss better than them.
This QuickKwiz by lady_wintermoon - Taken 1830726 Times.
New - COOL Dating Tips and Romance Advice!

do u love life?

:: 2005 7 March :: 8.27 am
:: Mood: sick

well, ive been inflicted with the virus that everyone has been fighting this past week. sore throat, runny nose - jus abso-flippin wonderful!

i love the accafellas!!!!!

i gave plasma last week. i needed the money. It's almost kinda selfish that they have to pay people to help save lives. o well. im going to continue to do so...the extra cash is nice.

justin - i requested off march 19th. is that the weekend that you come home? i couldnt remember.

off to cj i go! i really hope he gives us more extra credit. i cant afford to fail this class. cya!

do u love life?

:: 2005 1 March :: 8.40 am
:: Mood: okay

good morning.

~today is my amanda's 19th birthday.
~i went to the casino with $5 and brought home $85. the girls did good. melissa came with $40 and brought home $100; morgan came with $20 and brought home $750(!!!); and ashley made $1. the guys were pissed cuz they decided to play tables instead of slots and they all lost between $40-$60. o well, it was a lot of fun. but i most definately can see how somebody can get addicted to it. it was kinda sad too to see how some ppl are so determined. i mean, the place was packed the entire time we were there - and we were there from 2am-5am. and it was packed.
~i work 31 hours this week
~im going to donate plasma today

i think thats all for my random thoughts. i hope everyone has a nice day. drive safe!

1 people love life | do u love life?

:: 2005 22 February :: 10.03 am
:: Mood: blah

life seems so pointless right now. it's so routine. go to school. go to work. go home. throw in a weekly get-together at missy and davey's and thats about it. what do i relly live for? another day of driving priveleges? it jus seems as though nothing is really worth it at this time...either that, or i jus dont have the balls to do anything. like my guys - 4 of them are getting shipped off to the marines from march to sept. i need to hang out with them again because it may be the last time i see them. aaron - i truely care about the kid. i love being around him. talking to him. i know that i dont have to "look good" for him. he likes me for who i am. he doesnt judge me. he truely cares about my well being and wont hesitate to tell me if im doing something stupid. but im torn as to whether i should go hang out with him again because i dont want it to turn into a purely physical relationship again. i jus dont know. life is confusing; very complexing. and is it really worth it - to sit here questioning. i dont know.

2 people love life. | do u love life?

:: 2005 6 February :: 10.51 pm
:: Mood: sad

you never really stop and think about the detrimental affects of drunk driving...until something happens to someone you care about.

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:: 2005 21 January :: 9.42 am
:: Mood: lalalalala

well jus a general update. i feel fabulous because of the prednisone - which i have begun to acquire a taste for. the doc is gunna try to ween me off of it. now for the bad news: i cant go back to work til feb 1st!!! which really sux because that'll be over $350 lost wages - thanks to aaron - that bastard.

but anyways hailey is beautiful and i love her to death. byes!

1 people love life | do u love life?

:: 2005 18 January :: 3.56 pm
:: Mood: disgusted

yea so this prednisone stuff is absolutely horrid. we're talkin that its really bad. it tastes like a combination of fermented vodka and peppermint schnapse. its horrible. i cryed and sobbed like a frickin baby. thats how bad it is. never before has 3 tsp been so hard to consume. o how i wish i could be able to swallow a pill. i will never be able to look at vodka the same way again.

3 people love life. | do u love life?

:: 2005 17 January :: 9.35 pm
:: Mood: tired

well it;s been an absolutely exhilerating weekend. I've been having a headache for about a week. and later on last week, my tonsils started to swell up. i diagnosed myself with tonsilitis because it hasnt been the first time ive had it. anyways, my ma made me a doctors appt friday afternoon. when i went, the doc gave me a strep test (not a rapid strep test - he claims that he doesnt believe in them) and made me give blood for some sort of mono test. he said that i would know my results some time this week. until then i was put on penicillan. if the results came back positive for strep, i was to keep taking the penicillan for 10 days. if it wasnt strep, then i was to stop taking penicillan immidiately. well, needless to say i got worse over the weekend. the penicillan didnt touch it at all, and my tonsils completely closed up my throat. (oyea and i couldnt work). so to make a long story short, i have mono - and one of the worst cases he;s ever seen. so im on a diet of water and prednizone (some kind of steroid) until thursday, and then we'll see how they look then and go from there. needless to say, i feel like shit. i cant work or go to school until at least the 24th. im stuck on this i-cant-eat-delicious-food-even-tho-im-extremely-hungry diet, and i cant work. which means no income. ahhh. and i feel really bad cuz jami's getting sick too. i just hope i didnt give her anything - even tho i wouldnt be surprised if i did seeing as we spend all our time together. argh. but even after my mono goes away, theyre still contemplating taking the tonsils out. how exhilerating. have a lovely day.

2 people love life. | do u love life?

:: 2005 9 January :: 11.17 pm
:: Mood: contemplative

scottie shared a story in his journal that made me really look down deep at my life. i try to make my life as busy as possible, between work and school and partying and hanging out with friends, but realistically, im just trying to hide the fact that my life lacks any substance whatsoever. my life is one of kajillians in this tiny little atmosphere, and instead of attempting to better the world we live in, i selfishly think only of myself. im like the younger man and his heart. i take pride in my perfect little heart, rather than sharing parts of it with others as the older man did. maybe that should be my new year's resolution: to somehow impact the world, or at least someone's life. and i dont need recognition - no, i dont want recognition - i just want to possess some sort of meaning in my life. i dunno. its hard tho cuz its one of those things that you cant look for, nor prepare for. *sigh* i dunno. maybe someday my purpose will be made clear to me.

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