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We Were Meant To Live for So Much More

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:: 2006 3 November :: 12.47 am

God I'm a nerd.
US Geography: 150 of 150
Africa: 141 of 162
Asia: 84 of 87
Australia: 22 of 24
Canada: 35 of 39
Caribbean: 42 of 66
Central America: 41 of 42
China: 40 of 93
Europe: 107 of 111 (damn former states of Yugoslavia)
Mexico: 29 of 96
Middle East: 85 of 87
Oceania: 57 of 96
South America: 39 of 39
World: 33 of 33

What is your life meant to be?

:: 2006 15 October :: 2.01 am

After 22 years of waiting.


1 Meaning | What is your life meant to be?

:: 2006 3 October :: 9.39 am

I don't care is we win the division or not. If we would have made it to the ALCS, everyone would still be picking the Yankees. I am now starting to gain more respect for what Red Sox fans have to endure.

The Yankees are a bunch of over-pampered overpaid jerks. The onyl thing they have to worry about is if there MVP thridbaseman has a mental issue with throwing.

The national media ignored us for the first three months of the season. They said we would blow it. Well, guess what, we didn't blow. Sure, we lost the division by one friggin' game to the Twins. So What!! No one even picked us to win 90 games, let alone lead the division for the majority of the season.

The experts be damned. I saw one where the Tigers were ranked dead last in starting pitching and bullpen out of the four teams in the American League. Who lead all of baseball in starting pitching this year? That was us. Not the damned Yankees, not the Twins who have nothing behind Santana. Who's bullpen has better guys in it than ours (we've had our moments, but you can't tell me that Scott Proctor is better than Joel Zumaya)? I saw one that had Robinson Cano being a better second baseman than Placido Polanco. There is a blatant piece of east coast biased bull I've ever seen.

We had to prove ourselves during the season, now everyone is going to make us prove it again in the postseason. And we will.

DS Tigers over Yankees 3-1 A's over Twins 3-2 Padres over Cardinals 3-0 Dodgers over Mets 3-2

CS Tigers over A's 4-2 Dodgers over Padres 4-1

WS Tigers over Dodgers 4-3

What is your life meant to be?

:: 2006 19 September :: 10.23 am

After spending a significant amount of time this morning reconnecting with my network (catching up on friends page and going to facebook), I realize how relatively important that all of this was to me nearly a year ago. I put my life back together online. I hate to admit it, but Mica and I would never had even started talking had I had to meet her in real life to begin with. And look how fantastically that has turned out.

But now, now my life on here does not seem so important. Maybe it's because I've fallen back into my old habits, as far as just using it to maintain knowledge of all of you. Yes, I do, I read, very detailed entries, so just remember that when you keep going on about things. But I really think the reason is that I have a life outside of this. I can keep up with my friends, but I don't need to be intimately involved anymore because I have a life outside of this. I wonder if there is any research on this as far as people retreating to the internet in times of depression or lonliness. Hmmmm.............

But anywho. I've decided to try an make this a long entry, just to punish you all.

Stress is starting to get to me, but I don't want to talk about it because I just have to get perspective on work. Once I do that and realize that they are not paying me enough to stress out over little things like the stuff I get upset about, I'll be fine. It's kind of like those nights that I used to come home from Monday night practice, extremely tired, but also still wound up from rehearsal. I used to fall into a half-sleep state where I was in a dream, but back on the field. Until I could actually get some good sleep I would have to convince myself in this dream state to put down my Tuba and lay down at the back of the field and fall asleep. Then I would be fine. It's just a matter of perspective.

I got a weird call last week. Thursday night at work my dad called me and said that he had gotten a rather strange phone call from a guy who was looking for a bass player. This guy was a completely stranger and he got my name from a guy that I haven't seen in about three years. Anyways, his bass player had quit on him and he had a party to play this weekend. He wanted me to come play with his band cold. I'd never met the guy, never played with anyone in his band. I didn't even know what kind of music they played. We talked a couple of times on the phone, he told me where the party was and I showed up. Kind of a weird circumstance. I've had weird things happen all because of music, but this was the strangest. We played, at the end of the second set (I didn't know many of their songs, and I faked it, some good others really bad), my amp started to cut out. They had to go get another amp for me to play through. I felt really bad. One of the things you don't wanted to happen when you're playing with a bunch of new people is for your equipment to not work. They got me another amp and by that time it was around 11:30pm. They, the rest of the guys in the band, had given up on playing anything that they had on their song list. WHich is good, because some of the stuff was a little complex, not the kind of music you want to play on the fly. So we tossed around ideas and started playing some of the simplest songs that they knew. That set ended up rocking. Up to that point I didn't really have a good feeling about the night. I started to think that maybe i was just out of it. I hadn't played in awhile, I might just have lost what I had. But I didn't. We played stuff that I knew and that was easy and we really fell into a groove. It was awesome. I haven't had that experience all summer. So it was a good time.

Okay, well now I think I've bored you enough with the mindless details of my life. So now that you've read all that pointless crap, I will say good bye.

Good Bye.

What is your life meant to be?

:: 2006 15 August :: 3.22 pm

Something I realized today driving home. I was listening to NPR (yes, I'm a nerd, get over it), and they were talking about Cuban-Americans and the way that the Cuban-American community feels about Castro's illness. Anyway, none of that is important other than to say that the new Cuban Americans, the children of the original population, the ones who were wronged (or righted depending on your perspective) by the new regime, are somewhat apathetic and non-political. It made me realize the penance of our generation. The obesity, the sloth, the lack of work ethic, I realized where it all came from.

The penance of our generation is that we have lost all interest. We have given into the machinations of man, the construction of society. Without knowing anything else other than freedom, with no direct oppression to fight, we choose apathy in a society where no choice is a choice. When choosing not to participate is just as valid as participation. If we only do what we have to in order to get by, we'll be just fine mentality. No inspiration, just talking puppets. Now how to fix that? How do you inspire the uninspirable? How do we take control of our own destiny? It's a question that every generation has to address, we can't let the answer be silent like so many of our voices still remain.

What is your life meant to be?

:: 2006 15 August :: 3.08 pm
:: Music: "Save Yourself" Sense Field

I've written factually. I've written from my heart. I've also written the crap of everyday life. But I've never written just to write. Just for the pure joy of putting thoughts on paper. For illustrating the great illusions (or delusions) of my mind. For once I'd like to do that, but I don't know how.

Sometimes I realize how much I've grown as a person over these five long years. Why five years? Well, it's easy for my to quantify. For almost five years now I have had the same job. What makes me so reflective you ask? (well, actually I ask, not because I want to know, I already know, but because I want you to know). No, a girl who I used to work with has reapplied for her job. So long ago it was. More than three years ago she left. Three years!!! Beyond making me shudder because I hate having worked there for so long, it is a reason to pause and think. I just think about how much I've grown in that five years.

Let's see. Five years ago, who was I? I know most of you know who I was. Have I changed? I'd like to think I have. Not in any of the important ways. I feel like I am remarkably more aware of the world. I feel more sure about myself now, but that is only momentary. That is a relatively new occurrence. I feel more breadth in my knowledge. I feel I know the system much better (what system you ask? The whole system, that thing underneath all of society that we call adulthood, I know the system much better). I feel more compassionate, but also more powerless. I have more faith in myself, but less faith in others. I have more faith in ordinary things than extraordinary things than I did five years ago. I feel less guilty, but I have more guilt. I know things that I shouldn't and don't know things that I should. Enough about me.

What is your life meant to be?

:: 2006 9 August :: 4.58 pm

Updating is fun.

Okay, so we set a date. I'm not going to post it because if you want to know you'll have to work very hard to track me down. Admit it, I'm a difficult person to get a hold of.

I also now have a cell phone. A phone that I am not allowed to use. My number is also secret. So your all going to have to work to find out my secrets.

More updates later, I hope.

1 Meaning | What is your life meant to be?

:: 2006 24 July :: 10.00 pm

So I'm sitting here at Mica's and we're looking for wedding music.

Today she listened to some of the classic songs, and she didn't like them. I too think the traditional stuff is just a little too stuffy for us. Does anyone have any good ideas on wedding music for the cermemony itself. We will be good on reception music, due to our unique and diverse musical taste.

2 Meanings | What is your life meant to be?

:: 2006 22 July :: 12.27 am

So, I got rejected on that State Department exam thingy. Oh well. I thought it would be cool but I wasn't really counting on it.

On a happier note, I got a five out of five on my assignment for SS300. That's five percent because the prof works on a strict 100 point scale. I also got 21 out of 25 on my midterm. Not bad, expecially considering the calss average was a full letter grade worse (18 of 25). I guess that's all, now just one more job option closed.

Did I mention I was looking for a job? Oh yeah, I am, despite the fact I already have one. Want mine? Trust me, you don't want it.

What is your life meant to be?

:: 2006 16 July :: 3.05 am
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: "Swamp Music" Skynyrd

So, I'm very tired right now. Jessa can attest to the rambling discourse that comes out of my fingertips tonight. It make take the form of fully formed sentences, punctuated in strange ways, or short choppy sentences. Ones which really aren't, not should they be............. and lots of ......'s

Anywho. When looking at places for receptions today. With Mica, my fiancee. Her sister and her friend Johanna (friend, not sister).

Then Mica went dress shopping. I almost cried when she left. Even the thought of her being in a wedding dress makes me all taery eyed. It makes me think of what that day is going to be like (don't worry, long ways off, in normal terms). But I just can't think of what it will be like when I see her for real. I don't know how I am going to make it. I guess I'll just have to do my best.

4 Meanings | What is your life meant to be?

:: 2006 23 June :: 11.05 am

So, I'm engaged.

5 Meanings | What is your life meant to be?

:: 2006 4 May :: 12.29 am
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: "Ballad of Curtis Lowe" - Lynyrd Skynyrd

Being tired
I don't know what it is anymore. This week I have ben so extremely tired. It may be recovering from Saturday night still, but I doubt it.

It was nice to let loose on Saturday night. It had been awhile. It's nice to go out, have some fun with some friends and not have to worry about anything. To know that everything is going to be taken care of and what tomorrow brings will just have to wait. That's part of what I feel that I will miss this summer that I had last summer. I discovered a different part of me last summer. The part that was mulled in a three month stretch of depression, but also someone who would show his pain, and wasn't afraid to act out. Someone who didn't have to be absolutely perfect all the time.

I guess that's the way I feel now. That I have to be perfect all the time. I didn't last summer. I didn't have all these concerns that I have now. All I had to worry about was trying to keep my mind off of what was giong on with Kim, what time I was playing that weekend, and making it to softball practice on time. I had class too, but it wasn't until after much of the summer had passed. Now, I feel like I have to be perfect, and that is going to lead to the inevitable crash that I experience because I don't feel like I'm doing anything good enough.

I've gotten much better about those times. They happen every so often and Ijust feel like it's coming. It's going to be one of those days that I just breakdown, cry myself to sleep, and then feel better afterwards. But the it just feels like the balance isn't there anymore. I had to miss a softball game today, for the first time in two years. I'm having serious doubts about my ability to go back to school after taking a semester off. Last summer, school was such a big part of redifining who I was. It was something that I drew confidence from. I hope it is now too. I just worry aobut it because there are other things I have to support me now. I guess I'll figure it all out and ina few days it won't be confusing anymore. I just wish it didn't have to be confusing in the first place.

P.s. I heard a rumor about a certain ex-girlfriend of mind trying out at a certain place's amateur night. Not sure if it's entirely true, but I definitely wouldn't doubt it.

1 Meaning | What is your life meant to be?

:: 2006 6 March :: 6.11 pm

So we're looking at stuff for my vacation in June. We plan on going to Beaver Island and I am really excited, but kind of scared at the same time. I'm worried that she's not goin to love it. I'm worried that it won't be the same to me now that it was when I was younger. The island was always a place to get away for me and I would spend hour after hour dreaming about living on the island.

Which brings me to the strange mood that I've been in most of the day. I think everything has been contributing to it all day. It kind of started with the Tyra Banks Show. Yes, I was flipping and I saw LL Cool J, so I stopped. But he was talking about learning to value yourself. Learning to ask for that promotion at work, or thinking that your not smart enough to take a certain class. He said that you have to realize your worth as ahuman being. I think sometimes I underestimate that. Plus, I was listening to Switchfoot today and the lyrics just hit me. We were meant to live for so much more. Am I living each day the way I want to live it? And everytime I ask myself that question I say no. But does everyone say no? It's not that I'm not happy, but my life is not where it is.

Sometimes I believe that my dreams for my life are a little impractical. I look at other people and they have solid career goals and they have practical professions in mind. I don't. I am the master of being practical, but when it comes to my dreams, I am not practical in the least.

And to all these questions and doubts, only time will answer my questions.

What is your life meant to be?

:: 2006 22 January :: 6.34 pm

Kim got married last week. I guess that's the end of that.

So I was on the way home from Mica's grandparents house tonight and I had several thoughts, but there was one that particularly bothered.

It was, Am I doomed to live life like the little boy that I used to be? Not understanding social situations, therefore avoiding them because I don't feel comfortable?

2 Meanings | What is your life meant to be?

:: 2005 8 December :: 3.20 pm

So the line for the computer lab has been unusually long for the last three weeks. So I'm sitting in an empty classroom.

I am extremely hesitant about the future right now. None of the classes I need fit together for next semester, not to mentioned the severely strained financial state that another semester's tution payment would put me in right now. I think I'm going to have to wait until the spring/summer semester to get the classes I need.
That puts me in a difficult position at work. Mostly because I know if I am not going to school that they are going to expect me to work full time. Despite the fact that a tution payment would set me back a good bit, I really am not in dire financial straits. I really would prefer to keep working around thrity hours a week and find something useful to do with my time and maintain the status I have now, which is essentially that I get any time I ask for off. Plus, when it comes to softball season, I'm going to need that extra time.

To refrain from getting too sappy in my entry, but I love her so much. Mica, I knw that no one else reads your journal on a regular basis but me, but people do read mine. And I want them to know that I have never been happier in a relationship in my entire life. I love you and I looked forward to waking up in the morning knowing that you are mine.

2 Meanings | What is your life meant to be? | Random Journal