The Time Spent Here, Is the Time Wasted elsewhere.
I was asked to say what's on my mind at any given moment.
Below is the excerpts of raw brain power being wasted twisting knots and going in circles.


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This thing called life

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:: 2012 27 January :: 11.30 pm

Well here we are again. 23 Minutes in Brussels.

Difficult as always.

She doesnt make it easy. I know when she seems 'off'. She seems that way tonight. I feel like she hides it by praising me or praising my ability to overlook her strange ways.

Its not really easy to deal with this. I want to not offend her, especially if she has been drinking, that wont end well. She will resent me and not even know why or what was the problem(s).

"Sometimes I think that you don't like me as much as you did before."

How does one properly respond to that? Im nervous to answer it. Its loaded.

I do like you. I liked you more, yes. I want to like you as much, and try hard to do so. Its easy to do so. Whats not easy is how to deal with you acting stranger at times than others. The wait you put me through for a chance to try this thing out has hurt things. I see it and know it. Id like to think I overlook it 95% of the time too.

Drop off a thought

:: 2012 27 January :: 11.30 pm

Well here we are again. 23 Minutes in Brussels.

Difficult as always.

She doesnt make it easy. I know when she seems 'off'. She seems that way tonight. I feel like she hides it by praising me or praising my ability to overlook her strange ways.

Its not really easy to deal with this. I want to not offend her, especially if she has been drinking, that wont end well. She will resent me and not even know why or what was the problem(s).

Drop off a thought

:: 2011 13 December :: 5.18 pm

Holidays are depressing.

Im sinking into oblivion again this winter. As per usual. Alone.

Drop off a thought

:: 2011 26 November :: 1.01 am

Wow. This totally just broadsided me.

I hate fb so much at times. Most the time.
This is one of them.

A picture of the person I like(read: Im trying not to like) with someone who was a friend online entitled "ha".

Hows that for a big "Fuck you" moment? I feel insulted, jealous, irate, and put-off. How can I not?

Im angry that the plan changed, that things between us changed, and now this...

"Nails in the coffin" of the issue is how I feel about the you and these issues. I get riled up about this whole thing very easy because of my current mental state. Its very low fyi. Though in my defense being alone all the time can do this do a person.

Im so cynical all the time and thinking every ones out to cut me down. Today Im right. Today I am being cut down and someone is trying to push my buttons.

Can I curl up in a ball now? Id love to do that about now.

6months ago, I pictured this going so much differently. Now that Im here I want to rewind the tape, give the middle finger to it all, and just move on.

:: 2011 24 November :: 10.59 am

Fuck holidays.

Im mad that you havent come to vie for my attention! Grr! I hate it.

I need to fix this, but I cant myself to have the words on how to do that.

Whats worse is that even if I do fix this, will it be fixed so I dont keep wallowing in that strange territory that you put me into.

Do you even understand my side of things in the slightest? Do you even try to understand my side?

:: 2011 21 November :: 7.18 am
:: Music: Margrot & The Nuclear So and So's- Broadripple is Burning

Patient realizes hes stupid. This was a dumb decision. How could I ever have you think this is more than just me being dumb?

But how else can I get you to show me that you actually cared? At all.

I wish I had cameras everywhere all the time, so I know how you reacted after I left. This would be easier if I knew that.

:: 2011 20 November :: 10.53 pm
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: The Xx - Crystalized

Here we are. 24 hours later. I felt like shit all damn day. My phone is filling up with saved drafts of text messages I want to send.

Now that Ive made the choice I feel I made the wrong one.

I feel like I should have taken the skype, msn, and computer problems as a better sign. 30minutes of skype video crashing my system and then moving to another computer only to have the same problem.

Its eating at me like a cancer. I feel like Ive just thrown away the only good friend I had left. I want to break something, shout, go nuts, and just generally make it feel better.

To top it off I never got to say half of what I wanted. Which is that if she can show me what I am, what I mean to her...Id be so much more at ease. Or so I hope.

So Marley, if you happen by this place. Show me you care. Show me why. Help me understand things. I miss you. I need you.

I feel like shit and I only have 1 day of work between me and at least a weeks worth of days off. Im going to be sinking to depths I havent seen before without her.

I litterally have no one to lean on.

I have plenty of people I can talk to. Online gamer "friends", mtg "friends", coworkers I get along with...short list...
None of which want to hear my woes or have advice to enrich my life. None to actually be there for me.
I need friends. No. I need good friends. Friends who would go out of there way for me. And me for them.

No wonder Im alone.

Which brings me to the best(worst) part of all this. I still have my id/ego/superego issue looming over my head. I have self perspective on the situation like I live in third person.
Ya, I talk to myself.
Im crazy.
Can you blame me for being this way if all Ive ever had in life is people pick on me?
Yup I blame others.
I wont say I do not have short comings, but holy shit I was given a raw deal here.

No goals.
No friends.
No love.

Happy Holidays, am I right?

Drop off a thought

:: 2011 20 November :: 12.12 am

The deed is done. Ive laid out my story. I said I need a break. How long this lasts I dont know.

What I glean from the conversation on her end is nothing. She has zero understanding of where Im coming from.

I feel like shit.
Because I cant communicate better.
Because I couldnt help her understand my viewpoint
Because I cant be more thorough in my efforts
Because Im not stronger

I want to know how this effects you. I want to know how your dealing with this now that were done talking tonight. I want to know that you show remorse, that you show any emotion. I want to know that you think I meant something.

What was it that I mean? Tell me.

Drop off a thought

:: 2011 19 November :: 4.12 pm

We havent spoke in the last 40 hours. Shes called 3 times. Once after I left, just before the last post, and then again 2 times this morning. I didnt answer any one of the calls. I want her to to reach out more. If she cares, if she understands what shes doing to me then she will try harder.

When we talk next I plan to take the issue up with her. Ill be asking her what I mean to her. What I am to her. Ill be making sure she understands how hard this is. She needs to show me these things. If she truly cares, she will do that too.

I cant just be a friend whos there when its convenient. I cant be that guy who you throw comments that lead me on at. I dont and wont do that. Stop doing this to me! Gah!

Ive said it once, Ill say it again. Im at a certain place in my life where I need something more than a friend.

Drop off a thought

:: 2011 18 November :: 12.22 am

Story time?
You want a story? How will that help you do homework? I wont.

You straight up tell me I dont know you. You straight up say you feel bitchy. At what point am I supposed to talk to you then? Because I wont.
You insult me again and again. Do you not notice this? So naive or just irresponsible?

Heres a story for you.

Once upon a time there were two people who met online in a the usual time internet way. They talked more and more as time passed. Eventually they started skyping all the time, hours of time a day. One is a boy. One is a girl. The boy helped the girl through rough patches of her life while going through hard times in his own. The boy helped the girl pick a school over a summer long project to choose one.
Eventually the girl graduated and spent the summer talking to the boy more before going off to the school.
At the school the girl grew distant. At the school the girl got way too deep into the situations around her.
Before going to the school the boy liked the girl, and told her this. The girl liked the boy. Then the girl went to school and decided to not like the boy in that way anymore without being clear and forth coming. The boy was strung along for months.
Eventually the boy grev very angry with the situation. The boy tried so hard to not just kick her to the curb in favor of releasing lots of woe, stress, and other emotional issues.
As time passed with this situation looming, the boy became more and more berated by the girl. She grew callous to no end.

The boy told the girl off in hopes that the girl gained some perspective and came back when/if she was ready.

She probably didnt/wont.

The boy was ready and needing certain things in his life the girl could not give or would not give. The girl was just looking to play games with the boy in hopes of finding herself more. The boy couldnt handle that bullshit.

The end.

:: 2011 16 November :: 12.00 am
:: Mood: annoyed

Im confused.

I thought I had clicked. Finally been able to give it up and be ready to not deal with it anymore.

Yet Im still here, wavering in the wind on what to do here.

Im trying so hard to find a way to just fuck it and give it up. Tell her off. She needs to understand how my end of the situation came about and how its going. How its got to go if I can ever move on to being "just friends."

Regardless of what anyone else thinks, everyone wants something from someone else. No matter what the relation. Tangible or otherwise there is something the other person gains from your relationship. Friends, family, coworkers, neighbors, etc.

The question is, do you understand what it is the other person wants from you?

In my situation I wanted friendship. It then became wanting companionship. Then it became wanting out of this problem.

For her it was friendship, then it started to become wanting a relationship and with the snap of a finger that ended. Now its friendship but wanting companionship just not in this way.

Will she ever realize how her words are taken by other people? Will she understand face value is a stupid term. Reading into a situation is key. More than key.

I need her to understand how maddened I become every time I think I sense a change in her demeanor. "I miss you" means more than it says. If you think otherwise you are a fool and should just learn to hold your tongue. You cant tell me you miss me constantly, know you have the option to see me and then NOT make use of it only to keep saying it. That drives me up the wall.

Fucking take a leap of faith if you want me. If you want to say you want me only to just be friends. Im going to make a decision that you wont like. Because Ive talked to numerous people who agree. It needs to end. Its not healthy and it definitely not healthy to think that keeping what this is going like it is.

I need to end it soon. No talking. No texting. No messages on fb. Nothing. I need to just say "hey I cant do this, its driving me insane. Your confusion on the issue leaves me with no other option than to do what I need to do to keep me going. if you think you deserve a place in that then you need to speak up or Ill talk to you someday down the line."

Im in a place in my life where I want a companion. Not a mess. Not dating. Not being overly good friends. A companion. You clearly arent being that, so I should move on. You can come and let me know that youre ready for such a thing, if you truly are. Otherwise, Ill talk to you when I talk to you. Good luck, but for now its goodbye.

:: 2011 12 November :: 11.32 pm
:: Mood: irritated

Straight up stupid.
Women are stupid. Seriously. Youre all wrapped up in yourself to the point of cutting off blood flow causing confusion. Something. Jeebus!

How can women know what they want from a career or future so easily and then on the other hand be totally confused with men?

You all want a giant list of things that a man should have. You want that list checked off on the first fucking second too. Annoying. Perfect isnt out there. Humans are imperfect beings. Stop it. Seriously.

You want to say men are stupid and assholes, why? because we know what we want from women before we go about future planning?

When did this line of thinking start? where did it become ok? Things should be this damn fucking hard.


Moving on

You cant turn me into your of the moment man. I dont work that way. Im not going to be there for you when you think its convientent. Thats not ok. You either want me all the time or never. Not halfway. No.

Fuck me. I just need a healthy relationship for a change of pace. I miss those.

:: 2011 7 November :: 1.56 am

I think its happened. Ive clicked. Im over it. Its weird.

:: 2011 31 October :: 4.17 am

Im not being mean when you talk about your plan for college. Im being realistic.

Common problem 4yr plan students face:
-money(loans or cash for needs during student years)
-finishing on time
-finishing with leads to jobs

Common needs:
-job(part time/summer/seasonal)
-money(loans or other finance)

You cant just brush that off. You cant tell me no, because your successful. Successful people might finish on time sure, but are you saying everyone Ive known is not? You dont really get to declare that. lol Thats unfair and pompous.

You dont even know what your planning to go for. How can you finish on time if youve not decided anything? What if youve already missed classes that file under things to make it out on time? Cmon now.

Oiy. You had me so happy earlier. Now you leave me on sour notes.

Just like Rachel. I dont like where this path leads. Need a better fork in the road.

1 Thought | Drop off a thought

:: 2011 28 October :: 12.53 am
:: Mood: depressed

Im trying so hard not to dip into the sea of depression again right at this moment.

Do you know how hard it is to want something so bad?
Do you know how hard it is to have everyone who knows what you want say its not worth your time? How you should just drop it now?

Do you know how hard is it when this is the second time around on this journey? The names and faces may have changed. The emotions are still ready to grieve.

I have the next 3 days off to dwell on this. 3 days to sit in the shower and sulk. 3 days with no plans. 3 days.

I need an outlet. I need a better one that is. I need someone to talk to. I dont have the person I trust and can voice my concerns to.

Oh wait. That persons the person whos causing me half my trouble.
The other option is now on disconnect because of a better situation.

I need medication. I need consultation. I need someone. Im prideful, but not so prideful that Ill let myself not admit to these facts. I just cant get myself to take the steps alone. It kills me that much more that I can openly reflect to myself on these situations. My innermost monologue is like a pet owner with a rolled up newpaper slapping me over the head as if Im puppy whos just done something wrong.

Im like that satalite a month back that was supposed to come crashing down to earth. No one knows my path or where Ill land. Ill skid off the atmosphere a few times and build into a fireball. Evaporate over a radius thats big and leave no traces once Ive landed. Ill sink into the ocean never to be needed again. | Random Journal