Life.....just sucks. Still in a rut that I'm trying to pull out of. I've changed so much in so many ways since a little over a year ago. I don't even remember the person I used to be. But I AM getting better, and I'm becoming a better person and I suppose that's just the way I should take it.
For some stupid reason, I find myself in love with nothing other than sadness. Trust me, I'm not proud.
It is so cold today, has been all week. Usually October still holds the heat of the setting sun of summer. It's usually a disappointment from when i was a kid and seasons were definite. But this one is right. It feels much later in the year. and the smells...
I open the windows and I'm fifteen again.
not ashamed of who I am
but maybe a little sorry for
who I was before I stopped the
facade, hiding in who you wanted
me to be, that porcelain image in
your bed, in your head, in your beautiful eyes...
I was something else before
I realized that I'm not waiting
for someone to rescue me,
I'm just waiting for me to
sometimes, I feel claustrophobic inside my own body.
sometimes, I wish I could open the door to find myself standing there,
have a drink,
hear what I'm thinking from my point of view.
open the door, "hey, been trying to meet you.
there must be
a devil between us."
it's funny how
into a thousand tiny pieces
can feel so good.
a chapter finished,
to start a new line.
2009 22 July :: 12.27am
:: Mood: cheerful
:: Music: I Alone - Anouk
work and work. And, soon enough, school as well.
I'm excited to start my psych degree. Not so much on finishing my business one.
Coke is a hard addiction to kick.
Cherry that is... My drug.
Yeah. I have too much time on my hands usually. Yet I can still never find the time to hang up my clothes.
Funny how those things work.
Totally moved out of the house with Ashley and Lacey. Lacey met a guy from North Dakota and he moved down a few weeks ago. At that time I moved into a house with Renkoski. It's pretty boss, not gonna lie.
I got a raise at work... a wopping $0.40, but still. I also put in for a management postion. I don't know if I'll get it, of course I have my hopes up, but not too high. That would be another pay raise, but idk. At least they'll know I'm interested in a management position for future knowledge, should I not get this one.
Um... yeah. I'm doing super, old-injury wise. No more surgeries, I think. Well, I might have to get an anthroscopy on my knee, but like... that's further off in the future, I think.
It sucks balls when the weather changes, and it's hard to sleep, but I just knock myself out with benadryl on those nights.
Hmm. Yeah. I'm single, of course. Don't think that's going to change any time soon. Like, seriously, I limp and I have scars. Big, obvious ones. Guys my age are too caught up on shit like that to look past it and get to know me.
So I'll get over the loneliness and not worry about it for the next like friggin five years, I guess.
I'm thinking of tattoos, still. It's so hard. I know where I want it, I just need to know what "it" is. I'm torn between a penguin and some script.
I know not what I want.
2009 19 June :: 11.15pm
:: Mood: complacent
:: Music: Raven's Land - Voltair
Me oh my it has been awhile, hmm?
I'm single. I'm back to working. Some days I do great, others I want to cry my eyes out from pain.
Some days I walk awesomely, others I limp around like my grandmother. I hate walking from the back to the front of the store, and back again. When people see me limping, I always think that they think I'm mocking someone, so I feel bad. Therefore I work really hard on not limping. Sometimes it's rather impossible.
I signed up for classes again.
I decided to get another degree, besides my business one, in psychology. I think I want to teach. But I think I want to like... do businessishy things.
The decisions kill me!
I had a recent surgery on my knee, marking the fifth. A wire had broken and was doing bad things to my tendons, but like... they took it out. And it's still doing the same thing that we had the surgery to fix.
So my surgeon/doctor gave me a shot of cortisone in my knee [which hurt far too bad to want that to make things better, for I want no more. ever.]
We're giving that a month to work. If not, we're going to see what else we can take out and rearrange. Joyous.
Ashley and Lacey ran away to South Dakota. Lacey met this guy off of Speeddate on Facebook. They hit it off rather well, I guess. They had known each other for a week, maybe two, and he came down. Now it's her turn to go up. He put his two weeks in last friday, and then he's moving down as soon as he gets things together. I guess he's probably moving in here, though our house is far too little for four people.
If he gets a job around here, he'll stay. If not, he and Lacey are moving away.
If he stays, I'm moving out with Jacob. If he and she move, Jacob is moving in here. I'm pretty excited, either way.
I found out today I get a forty cent raise, starting August fifth =]
That's exciting; I was happy.
I got "far exceeds expectations" on my evaluation papers. Because I'm awesome like that.
Hmm. Dusty and I dated for like... less than a month. That just... was weird. It was all new and exciting at first, but then I was like, "Dusty... meh." He was very much my friend, as opposed to my boyfriend. It hit awkward land really fast.
So... been single since April 30th. (Yes. We broke up the day after my birthday. It was sad.)
I have definitely hit the tired-of-being-alone status.
"I, Patrick Jay French, do solemnly swear that I will support and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic; that I will bear true faith and allegiance to the same; and that I will obey the orders of the President of the United States and the orders of the officers appointed over me, according to regulations and the Uniform Code of Military Justice. So help me God."
Thats what I was saying yesterday at about 2PM for the Navy. I've got a 6 year contract active, 2 reserve, currently shipping on April 5 2010, however ill be submitting a form saying id like to roll it up a ways if possible to sometime in late July.
I went to Lansing MI Thursday, and took the ASVAB that night, (a score of 36 is passing, 99 is the best you can do), and by the grace of god, I managed to score an 88, which came as a huge shock to me. At the same time, however, it opened up almost every job the Navy had to offer to me, but ill get to that in a moment. My current job is in the Advanced Electronics / Computer Field which has the 9 weeks of basic training in Great Lakes, IL, and then 12, or 17 weeks further training based on which of the two subclasses you get into. This job guarantees the rank of E4 (petty officer 3rd class) upon completion of training, which is pretty huge, since it would take quite a while to get there otherwise. However, since I did so well on the ASVAB, and since some of my more specific scores worked out, I may be eligible to take the Navy Advanced Programs Test, which, if I pass, would allow me to get into their jobs in the Nuclear field, which would be absolutely phenomenal. The Nuclear job fields carry a 25k enlistment bonus, and a 60k re-enlistment bonus as it was described to me. Passing this is obviously my goal, since when I got out, I'd be making 100k easy in a civilian job. The test however, is very algebra, geometry and trigonometry based, and math has always been my weak point, so we'll see what happens there. The nuke program is 9 weeks of basic, and something like a year and a half of training elsewhere, (SC I think), and carries an 8 year commitment, which i'm WAY more then ok with.
I seem to like... always fuck shit up. I don't mean too, but I guess I'm just too good at it to quit??
I thought I was ready... I thought I wanted this. It felt so right... but then that feeling faded and my stomach was churning and my heart ached. It was as if it was saying, "seriously? you're putting me through this pain and struggle yet again?"
So I listened to it and backed out.
I didn't want to hurt him if I did... I just need to get my shit straight.
And I'm hesitant to start something again with me here and him there. But moving would be ridiculous. And I'm not going to move. For the first time in a really long time I'm happy with my friends and my family... I couldn't make myself move, ever.
That's just the way it is.
And I'm sorry for that.
More fun surgery >.<'
To defy my therapist [because I'm badass like that] I fucking snapped the metal plate screwed to my ulna in half.
He said it couldn't be done, so take that, I showed you bitch.
Actually, the only reason it broke is because the other shit that needs healed [Read: everything] is taking precedence over the two breaks in the forearm for some reason. Like, the ulna is snapped in half and the two ends don't even touch. Add lots of use and pressure... this makes the plate screwed over the gaping hole bow. And it finally gave out.
Soo... surgery on Tuesday. They will remove the broken plate and replace it with an even larger plate with more screws holding it in.
To make this shit not happen again, I increase my calcium dosage and they give me a device to wear on my arm at night that sends signals to the bone cells, making them work harder and faster to form new bone.
Mt. Dew + Pepsi = Delicious.
So I fucked up my left arm. No idea how, but it hurts super bad and I have an appointment with my surgeon wednesday at 2:45. I have to keep my arm in a sling and not use it "at all." Really not looking forward to that. I might have to have surgery on it again... fail.
Fuck my life.