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Musings of a crossdresser named Violet.

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:: 2008 26 May :: 10.04 am
:: Mood: annoyed

All hail Stalin!
Except not. I cannot stand being wthout the internet. It's like I moved behind the Iron Curtain... I knew moving back in with my parents was going to be like this, but it still frustrates me to no end. I came out to them about my crossdressing ways and while they reacted a hell of a lot better than I thought they would have, it's still not all peaches and cream. I need to get my finances in order so I can get a place of my own, but I'd still need a roommate to make it work. Here's hoping things work out with Sara and she does end up moving up here.

Wow, that felt good. I needed that.

On the plus side: I'm back with most everyone who respects and befriends me, I'm mostly over my most recent relationship and happy to hear that she's happy(and only a little down(though not that she's happy, but that I can't seem to find that same love) about it), and I'm back in the D&D world that I missed so much when I was in Idaho.

Cheers from Utah, the most narrow-minded place I know.

Oh, and that McDonald's analogy pretty much sums it all up.

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:: 2008 27 April :: 7.18 pm
:: Mood: narcissistic
:: Music: Least Complicated by Indigo Girls

Yay for gay bars!
I love how open people are at The Balcony. It's great, even though I'm completely straight, I'm so flattered that other guys are checking me out when I'm walking around in my beautiful white gown. Everyone accepted me and it was great. And even though I was one of the only cross-dressers there, I didn't feel awkward at all. In fact being around the one that was there made me feel strange. I think it's due to this simple fact: There are cross-dressers and there are drag queens, and they are completely different.

I could never be a drag queen. They seem to be for the most part excessively flamboyant. I prefer to be more simple in dress. I love it when people feel me up when I'm all pretty. I love the confidence this sort of thing brings. I love who I am and hope to someday find someone who loves me and my cross-dressing ways as much as I do. People pull me close to dance with them, people I don't even know. Sure that's what happens at clubs, but it's the first time that's happened to me. Dressing up makes me feel and act like an entirely different person, it's wonderful. I'm so open and free and confident. It's great, I love me.

Love me too?

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:: 2008 25 April :: 1.35 am
:: Mood: bitchy
:: Music: Asheville by They Might Be Giants

I'm the Orange Peel
Please allow me to introduce myself, I'm the orange peel. You don't remember, but I was once part of your orange. I'm the peel that you left on the floor, you took the good part and walked out the door, and I hate you for that. I hate you for that.

But that's only half of me. Maybe more, but I'm not sure. It is one of two parts of me, that's for sure, so I guess you could call it half, technically. Whether or not it's a 50/50 split is another matter altogether.

So yeah, one part of me wishes you would rot in hell. Part of me wishes you all the unhappiness in the world. It's the part you didn't want to see or hear. It's the part that hopes you regret your decision. It's the part that wants to say so many more hurtful things. Things like, "I relocated my whole fucking life for you, how is that not living free enough to do so?", "I'm sorry I look better in clothes than you, but this is who I am, I thought you liked it.", "How else am I going to please you when you reject my offers to buy you things and then get mad when I buy things for myself that you hint will look good on me?", and "Oh, and don't worry about leaving me for a 'stupid' reason, I'm used to it as every relationship I've had has been like this. I get told I'm wonderful, beautiful, and perfect yet they leave me. I even had someone say once, 'I'm crazy to leave you like this as girls would kill for a guy like you, but...' Makes me wonder if there's something I'm doing wrong."

Then the other part of me thinks about things and wants you to be happy. It's the part that loves you enough to want you to be with someone you actually want so you'll be glad. It's the part that you saw last night. The part that is glad he could help you realize where your true feelings are.


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:: 2008 29 March :: 2.31 am
:: Mood: Asshole-ish
:: Music: Tonight is the Night I Fell Asleep at the Wheel by Barenaked Ladies

Why the fuck am I so goddamn tactless at the worst possible times? It's a wonder I even get people who like me. I wonder why. I never say anything right when it truly matters. Sure it may not be all that big of a deal most of the time, but this time I totally offended the person I care absolutely most about.

It doesn't help matters much that I had an absolutely craptastic day. I wake up seemingly more tired than I was when I went to bed, can't function at all well at work, get terrible service at one of my favorite places to go to after work, get home and have to pack/sort through my room which just depresses me for the most part, get ignored by everyone, and to top it all off, I say things to Nee that probably made me seem like a superficial ass which I'm totally not. Damn my mouth when I'm tired/pissy.

I truly am sorry Nee. I hope you believe me.

Cheers to another sleepless night.


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:: 2008 24 March :: 3.50 pm
:: Mood: ecstatic
:: Music: Something by the beatles

I'm moooooving!!!
Things have started really falling into place and I'm moving in something like 2 weeks.


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:: 2008 23 March :: 3.08 am
:: Mood: uncomfortable

So I don't really like feeling this way, and it really sucks. I'm far too paranoid for my own good. I don't want to be this way anymore, but it just tends to happen with me. I need to just work past my suspicions and accept things at face value. I thought I was doing so well with this, but once I start developing feelings for someone, I get hit. Blah, I need to change this part of me. I get told that I'm rather confident so often nowadays, but I usually feel entirely opposite to that. Inside I'm just a scared child, both afraid of reaching out and potentially getting burned, and also being alone. I wonder if I'll ever break the cycle. I wish things were different. I wish I knew how to deal with this. Most of all, I wish I knew what the future holds for me. I really need to get over this feeling. It's what fucked up basically all my past relationships. I won't let it fuck up any more.

Sorry, just ignore the emo as it's not typically me. I just need to know there are people out there who know what I'm going through. People who care. People who'll accept all of me for who I am.

Why am I so dependent?

Argh, good night.

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:: 2008 21 March :: 8.48 pm
:: Mood: lethargic
:: Music: Little Babies by Sleater-Kinney

So I really should be cleaning my room...
I just don't want to. I know I won't even make a dent in this trash heap I call a room. I really do need to clean though. It'll make it that much easier to pack things up, let alone simply move about without worrying I'm going to break something. I'm just far too lazy right now. Good thing I have a day off tomorrow. Wish I could be spending it with Nee, but that's kind of slightly impossible. Well, not really impossible, just...driving 7+ hours total to see her for maybe 3 hours if I'm lucky just doesn't really seem like that wonderful of an investment given my current financial situation. I need an actual weekend of 2+ days and some spare cash for it to be good value for my pants and the wallet in them.

I just hope she knows how much I want to be with her.

I think that's good for today. Luff me?

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:: 2008 20 March :: 9.26 pm
:: Mood: complacent
:: Music: Spark by Tori Amos

First post?
Yeah, it most definitely is. Never really been to keen on these online journal thingymabobs, but it's a good outlet to be writing my current feelings and thoughts.

So I'm thinking rather seriously about moving away from my home town and even state. Events at AO have helped my decision to do so. Not only did I have a great time with several friends there, I also met new people, kissed new people, and altogether want to be with one of them. Thinking about this has been rather tough. I have friends and family here, and I know I'd miss them, but I have just been feeling that I need a change. Something big.

Here's hoping this is the change I've been needing for quite some time.


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