2004 28 November :: 11.27 pm
:: Music: green day
i'm getting bored. i want to move... i want to get my life started, i feel like i'm stuck in neutral.. just going blindly. i'm ready to swith into 5th gear. i want to go to cali, or ny, or seattle.... i want to be somewhere where i don't know a soul.. a fresh start. just some excitment.
but i'm chickenshit..chickenshit who's in love
1 halla |
2004 26 November :: 4.53 pm
:: Mood: tired
Floorboard's filled with baby toys,
An' empty coke bottles an' coffee cups.
Drivin' through the rain with no radio,
Tryin' not to wake her up.
Cell phone says "low battery",
God, what if I break down?
I'm just lookin' for an exit with a lotta lights,
A safe little interstate town.
Just a cheap hotel,
With a single bed,
And cable TV:
Is good enough for me an' Emily.
Some day, when she's old enough,
She's gonna start askin' questions about him.
Some kid at school brings his Dad for show an' tell,
An' it gets her little mind a-wonderin':
"WHERE'S MY DADDY?DO I HAVE ONE?
DOES HE NOT LOVE ME LIKE YOU DO?"
Oh, maybe I'll find someone to love the both of us, now
An' I'll tell her when she's old enough to know the truth.
WILL IT BREAK HER HEART?
WILL SHE UNDERSTAND
THAT I HAD TO LEAVE?
That's what was best for me an' Emily.
That house was never clean enough; his dinner never warm enough.
Nothing I did was ever good enough to make him happy.
So I guess he gave me what he thought I deserved,
But it would kill me if he ever raised his hand to her.
Big rigs are throwin' rain on my windshield, now
An' I feel like they're laughin' at me.
Fin'lly the storm is lettin' up
An' the mornin' is breakin' free.
It's a brand new day,
It's a second chance.
Yesterday is just a memory,
For me an' Emily.
Floorboard is filled with baby toys,
An' empty coke bottles an' coffee cups.
Least there's one good thing that he gave me,
An' she's startin' to wake up.
my sister played this song for me on our way up to orlando, because she thought it would describe the way things were when i was little because i am the only one who doesn't remember HIM and my mother had the same fears when leaving HIM. 18 years... fuck HIM, i just hope one day i'll get the balls to actually say that face to face.
okay, i'm done being emo. i'm hardcore.. ha. heather, lets go to san diego!!!!
4 hallas |
2004 3 September :: 12.40 pm
so, this is the first time since the 1950's that Florida has been hit twice by a hurricane in the same season. This hurricane is predicted to cause the most expensive clean-up in american history, says the red cross. This is fucking scary. these things never bother me, we get hurricane warning and threats and whatever every year. but the news is hinting very strongly that this is the worst hurricane in a WHILE. GREATTTT. my roof is going to fly off, my yard is a corner lot with a sewer drain so the whole blocks water ends up in my yard... my house is the first to flood because that drain overflows in just everyday rainfall, what about this?? eeek
2004 31 August :: 3.45 pm
i started work today at fridays... i used to work there and left in january, i'm glad that i'm back. i forgot how much i love that job. it just sucks because my favorite manager (the one who hired me) left today for a different store, it sucks ass. i hope the new guy is cool. i'm excited to be back to working with julia, she kicks ass.
i got my tatoo on friday, it's so gross and scabby now.. eek. like i don't even want to show anyone because of how it looks.
2004 29 August :: 6.53 pm
i just wish he realized that i can't pretend to be happy all the time and i can't always bite my tongue. every once in a while i want to say how i feel, even if he doesn't like it.
1 halla |
2004 24 August :: 5.22 pm
:: Mood: calm
:: Music: yellowcard
i wonder where i am going. you know, the long track. i feel like i am walking through a marathon and i'm not going to catch up to everyone else. all my friends are enrolled at one college or another, and classes started this week. i have been hanging out with lauren a little bit at the FAU campus down the street from my house, and i'm so jealous. it all seems so exciting. high school is over, it's supposed to be my time to step up and try to make it in the big world. i'm just being a bum.
i don't even know what i want to do- i have so many wants. i want to be a high school teacher. i want to be a social worker and save the world one kid at a time. then, my risky side dares to dream of being a model/ actress. i want to be known. it would be awesome for people to turn on the tv and hear my name. and if i was rich, then i could help other people better. when i get to thinking like that, i just want to slap myself. i am from humble roots and could never make it big- i know this, but it's still kinda nice to want.
2004 14 August :: 3.10 pm
:: Mood: chipper
:: Music: as i lay dying
it's a pretty good day. i slept in a little bit, drove 45 minutes to spend 30 minutes with matt on his lunch break just to turn around and drive another 45 minutes home. i do it at least once a week, but it is worth it. i love that bitch. now i am hanging out at my house until 4ish when i am going to the dolphin game. although they don't have many good players and are probably going to loose. oh well, it's the first sold out pre-season game in 17 years....70, 000 people watching a bunch of third string players, people are dumb... go home and BBQ, it's cheaper. i got free tickets so i'm taking the little brother.
my parents are going out of town next saturday for a week... PARTAYYY. i can't wait.
i went to a strip club for the first time on wednesday night. platinum showgirls.. yum, i went with matt and jon and joe and kerry. it was cool, me and 4 guys hitting the strip club. i thought it was cool that i could go with my boyfriend to a place liek that. i didn't freak or get jealosu or anything. he can't touch the girls and the whole thing just made him wnat ME more because his hormones were runing wild. lol. i got a lap dance from Natalia....all the guys thought she was the hottest. to be honest, i didn't want matt getting a dance from her, too hot. but he got alexis, she was a hottie too. we both have the same taste in chicks. not that i am a lesbian or anything, i mean OBVIOUSLY i like boys, i would just much rather see a girl dancing around naked then a guy. girls just have such nicer bodies then men. it was awesome, but kinda a waste of money, 20 bucks for a 3 minute dance, man they have the best job in the world. hehe. umm minus the getting naked and trying to act hot in front of a bunch of old dirty drunk men. i could never do that, matt's the only guy that's ever even see me totally naked, i couldn't imagine showing a hundred guys a night. eek, not my thing.
2 hallas |
2004 11 August :: 1.08 am
matt is lying in my bed... i probably should be with him, but i can't sleep. she sent him a freinds thing on myspace.. she deleted him a while back and now wants to be friends again. i am a little worried, i know it's dumb, but i am. i'm with him now.. he's got me. but that also means that she'll always be his "what if". i'm not sure what is better, being with him, or the one he'd always wonder what it would have been
2004 2 August :: 5.17 pm
last night was the cutest thing ever... i walk out of wrk, and guess who is parked next to me?? matt drove all the way from home to my work (45 min) to give me an i love you card. awww i wanted to ball, it was the nicest/ cutest thing anyone has ever done for me. it meant so much. i can't get over how great it feels having someone there for you, someone who gets you, someone who loves you..it's an amazing feeling. i <3 him
2004 27 July :: 1.54 pm
:: Mood: discontent
i NEED a new effin car! i'm on my way home today and about a mile from my house, i notice a LOT of smoke coming from my lovely peice of shit. i get about 3 blocks from my house when i decided i had to pull over. but, to my surprise, my radiator back-up was full. so... guess who needs a new water pump?? yeah, guess who needs a whole new car. it's so depressing, i work 40 hours a week, making pretty damn good money, and i can't even afford a nicer car. of well. in two months i'm 18, and maybe i can get a new car. this suckssssss.. i am really bummed out. why can't anything ever fucking work for me. every day i find something else wrong that i need to fix, i can't spend money on it, i won't be able to sell it for that much as it is. arggggg
2004 20 July :: 2.24 am
tonight was another one of my firsts... but a verbal one.. i think scarier then the physical
3 hallas |
2004 17 July :: 2.52 am
i went to spanky's tonight for evergreen terrace, i killed the prom queen (from australia), hearts over rome and scars of tomarrow...all very good fucking bands. too bad it rained so they had to move the show inside and it was packed. oh man, evergreen is amazing..i think i am in love..with their sounds.
1 halla |
2004 14 July :: 1.06 am
i went to the kelsy club tonight for nonpoint, sevendust, and skindred... pretty good show, but the shound was kinda shitty. the highlight of my night was some buff ass drunk dude asking me if i think he has a hot body and then whipping his dick out and trying to molest me about 5 or 6 times in the middle of the floor.. why are guys so gross?? oo and someone else gave me a free shirt, that rocks. i'm all about free stuff, so send me some!!!
i'm starting to get less emo, but more emo at the same time, does that make sense?
2004 6 July :: 2.17 am
:: Mood: contemplative
there has been so much on my mind lately..it hurts. i am sick of caring and worrying about every little damn thing. and i am sick of my heart hurting all the time because i am so stressed out. and i don't mean emotional pain, but yes, my heart kills physically ALL the time. i think i need drugs..lol lots of drugs. but anyways...
i am getting sick of work..i sit in a cubicle for 8 hours a day just counting down the minutes from the clock on the bottom of my computer screen until the clock reaches 9pm. today i even had to put tape over the clock to help time go by faster. i do the same thing everyday. i need some sparks. i go to work, i go hang out at the warehouse or with the warehouse people..i go home and sleep and then i do the same shit again.
i want to go away...vacation sounds nice. i want to meet my dad...i want to meet a boy who will be emo over me... i want to tell my dad/technically step dad to go fuck himself and tell myself that everything is goign to be okay. that is what i want out of life.
2 hallas |
2004 3 July :: 4.08 pm
i wish i could hold your hand
without remembering the past
everytime you say something sweet
but just for a while
because while my heart believes the words you say
my brain remembers the words you once said
i know sometimes you've just got to have faith
but it's so hard while your broken heart is still not mended
for months, every tear i shed put a crack i my heart
i currently have thousands of splinters
and you're pulling them out with rusty tweezers
all i want is some reassurance
to have some pressure put onto my wound
everyday that goes by without that
the infection grows
i'm sick of letting it spread
please, heal me
2 hallas |