2008 26 February :: 4.46 pm
:: Mood: heartbroken
I will be with you again.
On Saturday February 23,2008 at 5:30pm we put down my dog Amber. My precious sweet girl. I miss her so much. I'm having such a hard time letting her go. I don't want to move on without her. She's been there for me my whole life, well since about the time I can remember any of my life. Whenever I was having a difficult time or a problem, or when I was upset, she was there and she always cheered me up. She loved me unconditionally and could never judge me. She was my best friend. She was more than a dog, she was like my child. I was the one to take care of her, I was the one she looked after. Life has less meaning to me now. Theres no purpose without her. I feel more alone than ever. I thought maybe if I could just let it all out I would somehow feel better, or be able to move on. I don't know how to live with myself. I'm suppose to protect her. She trusted me. I feel like I let her down somehow. I hope she understands. She was such a big part of my heart and I didn't even realize I would take this so hard. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with. She was the love of my life, I care for her so much. I wish I had more time with her. Sometimes I took for granted the time I did have with her. I can't stop thinking about her. I hope she is ok. One day I will see her again. She will always be in my heart and I will miss her everyday.
Amber, my sweet baby girl. I love you with all my heart.
2007 30 September :: 4.00 pm
:: Mood: sad
He only thinks about himself.
He might as well date himself.
2007 30 April :: 7.08 pm
:: Mood: hurt
He doesn't even know
How I feel about him. I guess he thinks he knows, or thinks what he wants to think. Maybe he doesnt believe how strongly I feel for him. I want so much with him. I wish he could see it. I wish he cared to. I am so crazy in love with him and I think about how much he has grow a part of me everyday. Everyday I think about how much I care for him, and how no matter what he does he gives me that feeling that is the best feeling. The most indescribable feeling. I will never stop loving him this way. I wish he understood how he really hurts me sometimes. I get so frustrated that maybe he really doesnt feel like I feel. I feel lead on. I feel like Im hoping and waiting. For what? Im not even sure. I want to know for sure what he wants. Maybe hes afraid to grow up, afraid of responsibility, afraid of commitment. Which if it is true, im a fool. If he even knows. I want to know if I am wasting my time waiting for him to want to care. I dont even know what he wants with me anymore. He cant even answer me. Well he could answer me but it'd just be words. I dont even know if he means anything he saids because he never acts like hes says he feels, shows me how he feels. Theres never any effort or desire for how he says he "feels". I don't know where to go from here. Its not fair to me, I want him to be honest, whether he ends up hurting me or whether we do belong together.
Does he care about how I feel? Does he want more with me? Is he still attracted to me? Does he still want me? Does he want to make me happy anymore? Does he want to experience new things with me? See the world with me? Does he care?
I am in love but does he know it?
2006 25 November :: 12.36 am
:: Mood: heart broken
How is it you are there, but still a part of me is missing? and i don't have you. I have nothing.
will it be okay? will I be okay?
My last entry : Oct 1, 2006 ...
and still until this date.
WHERE ARE YOU?
i miss us.
2006 1 October :: 5.35 pm
:: Mood: upset
I MISS YOU
I miss your arms.
I miss your words.
and your touch.
All of you.
where are you?
Something is missing.
I can't feel you.
Has it finally changed?
Do I still have you?
Do I still have your love?
Do I still have your heart?
2006 20 September :: 9.25 pm
:: Mood: confused
i wish you would write again.
and i also wish you would take me seriously.
listen to me.
i sware i could sit there and say nothing and you wouldn't even notice.
you think you still know me.
2006 31 August :: 11.48 pm
:: Mood: hurt
Another day. Another fight.
I wish for one day things would change.
I'm sorry, I didn't know I was such a pain.
But don't let me get you down.
I won't let me get you down.
Everything these days has come between us.
You are slipping away from me.
Our eyes no longer meet.
I am no longer your Juliet.
I am not your dreams and desires.
I am not the air you breathe.
I am a memory of what is lost.
A reminder of three words that have become unspoken by you.
Don't be afraid to let your heart speak.
Let it teach me your ways of passion and mystery.
If I am your fate, and you are mine.
Then I will wait, and hope that you will find your way back to me.
Or our love will fade.
Please don't let it.
1 going |
2005 28 September :: 2.41 pm
I will never sin again
Not like that, no not to you
The one that holds my future
Never will we hurt again
O Mary mother of God pray for us sinners
Give us the life that we desire
Let us show the love we have for one another
And with it we are stronger than ever before
Our bond will crush anyone to trespass
I will never sin again
2005 18 May :: 12.57 am
In one month from now I turn 18. I'm so excited for this summer to come. beachbeachbeach. all the time. Baltimore, NYC. gotta love it. and the best part, no work. Eve and Matt are moving to Baltimore. And Taylor is going to North Carolina. I'll miss them so. I've also finally picked my major. Chem. I'm really looking forward to see what happens next.
2005 1 April :: 1.25 pm
:: Mood: crazy
I have a split personality
I've gone insane. You make me so. You make me feel these things I wish I've never felt. Nothing compared to how you've felt. Yet I wish to give you all the best in the world and I want to treat you like gold. I want you to make me feel rich. But nothings compared to how you've made me feel. Like second best. It wont change. It can't. I lost first place to a cheat. And well, I'll still always wish I was better than that. That I deserve better than that. You deserve better than this. So what are we doing? Lovers are those that comfort. So a lover I shall become. And a lover I will be.
2005 2 March :: 12.24 am
cold hearted bitch
Shmay. Fake ass Bray.
What a bunch of lard. (Literally)
You don't stand in my way.
I have nothing to hide.
You'll never have what I've got.
I know where my heart is.
You're just a cold hearted bitch with nappy hair.
Devil, give me all you've got.
1 going |
2005 9 February :: 12.22 am
today is a wonderful day.
Goodmorning babe !! <3
2005 11 January :: 12.39 am
you and i . US. thats what we are. thats what we always will be. yesturday and tomorrow. ALWAYS. but for today life wont be how it used to. it will be an adventure. it started when some bad weather blew in. our plans got messed up. but instead of letting it ruin our day, we're going to make the best of it and change them. it's not what we wanted, but its better then being disappointed and letting it get the best of us. tomorrow will eventually come. and it will be the best morning of my life.
babe, I Love You. nothing is any match for us. look what we've been through and what we're going through. nothing will keep us apart. if you believe that then theres nothing to worry about. you know i dont have bad intentions. i know youre trying and it means so much to me. trust your crazy heart and mine.
2004 13 December :: 7.33 am
:: Mood: hurt
THIS SHIT IS OVER
i can't think anymore. fuck tomorrow. i'm living my life in today. fuck you.
2004 9 November :: 11.37 pm
:: Mood: crazy
so dinner tonight was fun.
i dont know where this is going. i wont sit here anymore letting him make me feel this way. i dont deserve it. im tired of things being one way. im over it.
you dont tell me things anymore. you act like you dont know what you want.
dont expect me to call. i wont wait around. go ahead now, live all you want. it wont be anything new for you.
i saw holly's baby yesturday. he's the cutest baby ever. i love him.
today i found puffer's dead body. it was the saddest thing.
tomorrow i sign up for classes. i think i might take five this time instead. we'll see.