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:: 2014 25 August :: 9.07 pm

She's standing in the ashes at the end of the world;

I never elaborated on my hospital trip last November, maybe I was never really ready, but it’s almost been a year now, so better late than never. In so many ways I feel I have changed and so many ways I still struggle daily.
Last November I went through a really rough time. I always tell people even though I get extremely upset, sad, hopeless, etc. at times, as long as I'm feeling I will be okay. About two weeks before
I got committed I was feeling just that, upset, sad; hopeless… this comes and goes to varying degrees. But it was significantly worse this time. I went to my mom for help and we figured it was best to go to the hospital, which we did. This was on a Tuesday night, I spent the night in the hospital, spoke with a doctor and psychiatrist, they set me up with an appointment the following week at USTAT “urgent short term treatment and assessment”, and I was sent home. Unfortunately a week was to long; I couldn’t go to work, I couldn’t get out of bed, and my feelings started to disappear. I spent the next 5 days in a state of nothingness, such unbearable emotional discontent that I disconnected from everything and everyone around me. I just didn’t care. I didn’t feel safe. I didn’t feel like there was anywhere to turn to or go. Not to mention this was taking quite the toll on my mom.
Sunday night came around and my mom and sister had gone to the store. When they came home I was in my bed with a bag around my head drifting in and out, this was not a conscious attempt to commit suicide or anything of sorts, at the time I just wanted to know what it felt like to suffocate physically, as I already knew what suffocating emotionally was like. Regardless, the paramedics were called as well as the police and I managed to take off before any of them arrived. Even I recognize at this point I was a completely separate person. I ran to the person I felt safest with (Greg) my best friend. Eventually he convinced me to go home. When I arrived I was escorted to the hospital by the police for further assessment. At the hospital I was further admitted and detained under the “Mental Health Act” (which I had no idea existed until that point”. This basically stated I was being involuntarily admitted for my/others safety. Now, I get that we only have limited resources here but forward to my “worse than jail” accommodations… Archie Courtnall or PES (Protective emergency services). A place I wouldn’t wish on anyone. It’s a set up with only a few beds, left mainly for the drug addicts and super crazies, two washrooms (not men or women’s, just communal) and an open area with several fold out chair beds and a handful of recliners. This is where people come and go at all hours of the night to be assessed, wait for a bed on one of the wards. I, by some stroke of luck, was able to sleep on a roller bed in the hallway. For others, they slept on the roll out chairs crammed next to strangers. Forget about privacy, dignity, etc. Your basically stripped of all that when you go in. Anyways… I don’t need to elaborate on that, I will never forget it, the people, the (uncaring, uncompassionate) staff, the lack of basic necessities (The single male/female shower had no curtain and urine on the floor), being force fed drugs… I could go on.
After three exhausting, terrifying, enraging sleep deprived days, I got a bed on a ward, 2 North, where I spent two weeks. The ward wasn’t so bad, except for some of the staff and lack of adequate mental help of any kind. The food was good, Monday-Friday they had a craft session for 1 hour and activity group for 1 hour. My family and friends were able to visit and take me out for 20 minute fresh air breaks… eventually I got the privilege to go on my own, but that was later revoked due to a meltdown that wasn’t really my fault (but that is neither here nor there). For the first while I felt like I was only going deeper and deeper into the abyss, I attribute that to PES. As well as a lack of counselling, coping skills, etc. I got more help talking to other patients than I did to any of the staff. I met with a psychiatrist for about twenty minutes during weekdays, whom I never did really talk to, for the simple fact he was a stranger who I could in no way, shape or form relate to, but was expected to tell my life story to. After a week or so I began to “stabilize” and while I wouldn’t say things went good, I was back to my regular emotions (depressed, sad, etc.) at least I was feeling again. Feeling means I’m not crazy apparently.
After two weeks I was able to do a weekend visit home, and boy was I ever happy to sleep in my bed and see my cats. After that I was discharged and was set up with twelve session at USTAT, where I saw a counsellor and psychiatrist weekly. I also was enrolled in an 8 week cognitive behavior therapy for depression and anxiety group. Well I don’t really think I gained much from the group , because I was still so emotionally borderline, it did give me some focus, if only briefly. As far as counselling goes, by no means can I achieve much in twelve session, especially when it was mainly focused on my hospital stay. But I was thankful for it nonetheless.
It saddens and scares me that our mental health system has such a lack of resources (and yes, people may argue at least there is something… but it doesn’t discount the fact that I have feelings and they are real, just as real as someone who has less than me). Not only was I turned away when I reached out for help, but when it got to the point that they couldn’t turn me away I was treated with less privilege than a convicted felon. Here is something I wrote after being force fed Ativan (I refused to take it and was told either you take it or we inject it in to you) I wasn’t being unreasonable, I just don’t like how I feel on drugs, Ativan makes my anxiety worse and I’d rather calm myself down then take it.
Written November 11th 2013
I have never felt more helpless and alone than I do now, here in this place. My entire sense of self and being stripped away, forget any pride, dignity or self-respect. Check that at the door. This place o depravity and sickness that encourages and enforces self “no self” medication and deterioration.
Thoughts, feelings, soul, mind dissipate. This place is a sick joke. Immoral and disgusting, gripped by a silent grief that is horrifyingly real. Sitting, waiting for nothing, the less instilled in helpless and hopeless. Contradictions daily, yet I’m the one not “mentally capable”. Drugs, drugs, drugs start this one, stop that one, take this, take that. Stop, start, stop. You are choice less and voiceless. Because nothing is better than something. How thankful I am to not be able to physically harm myself, but this place has broken every ounce, aspect and entity of my being. None of this will matter though, because I’m sick in the head.

It is still hard to read that. It brings up so much emotion, and even though I am by no means “fixed” or even close to “better” I can without a doubt say that I am nowhere near where I was that day.

2 Bullets in my heads | Save my sanity

:: 2014 25 August :: 8.56 pm


"Success is not final, failure is not fatal"
~Winston Churchill

"Boundaries & Vaseline"

"A mind forever voyaging through strange seas of thought"
~ William Wordsworth

"Life only demands the strength that you possess"
~ Dag Hammarskjöld

"The biggest human temptation is to settle for to little"
~ Thomas Merton

"Full of faults but not without its splendors."

"Keep your crayons sharp, your sticky tape untangled, and always put the tops back on your markers."
~ Ernie Coombs, Mr.Dressup

"Intimate Zone: 2-6 fists."

Sam: "20?" (pointing to the timer on the treadmill, referring to how long to spend on it) Hollie: "I don't know, I prefer older guys"

"If you compare yourself to others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself."
~ Max Ehrmann

"You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should."
~ Max Ehrmann

"It is often when wandering through the emotional carnage left by the worst of humankind that we find the best of humanity as well."
~Bruce Perry

"Though the radiance that was once so bright,
Be now forever taken from my sight.
Though nothing can bring back the hour of splendor in the grass,
of glory in the flower;
We will grieve not, rather find strength in what remains behind."
~ William Wordsworth

"Love is our true destiny. We do not find the meaning of life by ourselves alone; we find it with another."
~ Thomas Merton

"A question that sometimes drives me hazy, am I or the others crazy?"
~ Albert Einstein

"What you'll never remember, I'll never forget"
I love you Annie ♥

Save my sanity

:: 2014 9 April :: 10.56 pm

"Not in the state of Canada unfortunately"... Oh drug reps.

Save my sanity

:: 2013 30 November :: 8.58 pm

Hollie: "I've been dealing with this since I was born" Mom: "And I think that's where a lot of your depression stems from" Hollie: "What? Being born!?" Mom: "Nooooo, that's not what I meant"

In the few hours since I've met her she has told me about her horrible diarhea (we share a bathroom), asked why we needed a curtain between our beds (privacy...), told me about her worker and how she comes every night to tuck her in/sing her a song (thankful didn't witness that), splayed her many clothes and belongings around the room, then had a meltdown because they took away her donuts because she's a diabetic (She kept saying "why are you doing this to me")... I feel bad for her, but I really don't think this is the right place for her... not to mention slightly detrimental to my own fragile sanity. Thank god for a weekend pass

Save my sanity

:: 2013 13 July :: 10.30 pm

I'm not sure of what I should do.
When every thought I'm thinking of is you.

Save my sanity

:: 2012 1 September :: 10.01 am

Brittney: "You still have the same unicorn?"

Fuckstick, (fuhk-stik) Noun: A word used in place of penis.

Hollie: "Wow it looks like a skating outfit"
Jodi: "I dunno do you think I could do something to make it look better?"
Hollie: "Put on a pair of figure skates..."

Reading my firearms safety book: "Never fire at a movement, a color, a sound, or a shape."
Which basically means never fire at anything, ever, for any reason, ever.

Save my sanity

:: 2012 15 August :: 8.10 am

Push me up against the wall.

My life has been a whirlwind the past month.
I've made some bad choices, some very good choices and some questionable ones.
Not sure if I want to spill it all on here, so perhaps another time.

Save my sanity

:: 2012 15 August :: 8.08 am

Shit my grans says...

Grans talking about women going into old people homes... "I think its harder for women than men because for women your home is your kitchen and when you go into an old folks home you don't have a kitchen so its like you don't have a home" LOLOLOL

Save my sanity

:: 2012 19 June :: 8.12 pm

Hollie: *Cooking in the kitchen*
Jodi: "Dude wtf why aren't you wearing pants?!"
Hollie: "I dunno I was wearing my house coat but its to hard to cook in and I didn't want to go upstairs to put pants on"
Jodi: "Ugh, I wanted to eat some of your mac and cheese"
Hollie: "But now you don't, because I'm not wearing pants?"

Jodi: "How do you know a horse likes when people ride it? Like from my personal experience I don't think I'd like it"
Hollie: "From your personal experience...? as a horse...?"

Save my sanity

:: 2012 25 May :: 10.19 pm

Annie: "here I licked this piece of paper for you so it would stay closed"
Hollie: "... okkk, its not an envelope but alright... :\"

Just ran into little T.B...
Tristan: "Uhmm you know that gum, with the layers?"
Hollie: "Yes"
Tristan: "Well I had some just now but I swallowed it walking down here... uhhmm do you know if its digestible?"
So cute!

Save my sanity

:: 2012 11 April :: 10.30 pm

Future Pet Names - Canuck's themed:
Cat: Pavel Purrrrrre
Dog: Bark Messier

Gawd I'm witty.

Save my sanity

:: 2012 30 March :: 1.29 pm

My week so far...

Hollie: "Were having a roast beef dinner for my grans birthday next Friday if you wanna come"
Greg: "Yeah, sure"
Hollie: "What is roast beef?" Long pause "Oh... right, beef, duh"

Successfully changed the filter in my car :) Unfortunately mixed up the windshield washer fluid and coolant... fml.

Little girl at work: "What does that sign say?"
Me: "Uhhh an email was sent out because someone has scabies"
Little girl: "Oh my god someone died!?"

Sammy: "I think everything in life is spicy"
"Woah Woah Woah Woah.. where the fuck are we?!"
"I like old nuggets"

Save my sanity

:: 2011 6 December :: 9.51 pm

Shit Greg's Gran says:

Greg: "My Grandma says she hopes to see us get married"
Hollie: "I thought she knew we broke up?"
Greg: "She did.. but she forgot"

Soooooooo cute

Save my sanity

:: 2011 6 December :: 9.50 pm

Hollie: "I wonder why some eggs are brown and some are white"
Greg: "Well chickens lay white eggs and roosters lay brown."
Hollie: "Oh cool, I did not know that."
Greg: *Pauses & stares at Hollie for a minute* Then... "hahahaha. Roosters dont lay eggs silly. Roosters are male!"
Hollie: "Oh my god your an asshole!"

Save my sanity

:: 2011 6 December :: 9.47 pm

Shit B says:

Watching Greg's hockey with my 3 year old goddaughter... Annie: "Why do they sit on the bench" Hollie: "Because they take turns so they don't get tired"... (20 a rather large guy takes the face off) Annie: "Why is he so large?" Hollie: "I don't know maybe he doesn't eat well or exercise enough" Annie: "Or maybe he takes to many turns on the bench"

One day I took Annie to lunch with my friend Sammy. Annie got bored quickly and I had just finished eating while Sammy was still finishing. B turned to me and said "Do we have to wait for that one to finish?"

We had just sat down to a family dinner and B points at my rather large aunt and says "Is that a fat lady?" I burst out laughing and try to sush her quietly but she just points and says it louder. I rushed her into the bathroom in hysterical laughter and explained to her why that was inappropraite. I couldn't keep a straight face at the dinner table after.

Save my sanity | Random Journal