A mind forever voyaging through strange seas of thought

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A mind forever voyaging through strange seas of thought

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:: 2009 11 May :: 9.26 pm

Its the risk that I'm taking.

I miss doing things for myself.
I like to have an hour at night to myself to get ready for bed, brush my teeth, wash my face have a bath, relax go on the computer, do whatever.
I like time in the morning to exercise lift weights and stuff like that.
I like time to sleep in.
As much as I hate it, I want a second job so that I can have more money. I want to be able to afford the things I want, and be able to do the things I like to do.
But it seems like whenever I have the money I don't have the time, but if I want the time I have no money.
I want to do things like yoga and horseback riding and figure skating and I want to learn pole dancing.
I also want more time to exercise. And more time to look after myself.
I know I'm really selfish, but I just honestly want time for myself.
I've never been able to do the things I want because we could never afford it and I feel like I'm just missing out on life. And I don't want that.

It's complicated and stupid

:: 2009 6 May :: 9.54 pm

Bang bang.

Counselling was good today, we did a really cool activity to analyze relationships.
I was busy busy today, did a lot of running around but I don't feel like I accomplished much.

I went for dinner with Jesse tonight, it was really nice to hang out with him again, I haven't seen him in so long.

I hate when the foodnetwork is on it makes me sooooo hungry

Theres lots I could write about but I'm kinda lazy. I need a good sleep tonight.

:: 2009 3 May :: 9.24 pm

Surrender

I'm not happy. I miss the way things use to be. Not that things now are all that bad. I'm really happy with Greg. I just miss grade 9, that was the best year, I had friends and no worries.

The past two weeks have been pretty shitty.
I could go into detail but I'll just sum it up.
Greg got fired.
He has a huge huge huge dental bill to pay off.
Are car is having a lot of problems, which will probably be expensive to fix.
All that doesn't sound to bad, but the details of it all make it worse.

I really don't like my job, it's boring and I make such shitty money. But atleast its money.

I'm thinking of going to summer school in July, it's only a month and then i'd be able to get my dogwood and go to college. The thought of all that really excites me.

I'm still having a really hard time with liking myself. It's getting worse.
I hate summer, everyone looks so good in all there clothes. And I hate going shopping because I'm so fat and look gross in everything.

Counselling has been going good, its nice to finally have help.
I'm just worried sometimes that nothing or no amount of help will fix me.

I miss having friends. True friends are so hard to find.

:: 2009 6 April :: 9.48 pm

You spin my head right round, right round.

CANUCKS WAS SOOOOOOOOOOO GOOD!

First off we caught the 11:00 ferry to Vancouver, we went to the buffet and I loaded up on this cake stuff which clearly had dairy in it so I was of course puking the whole way there, but other than that I enjoyed the ride. Once we got there we checked into our hotel. Then Greg and I went to GM Place so he could buy a new Jersey, he got Burrows #14 who is my favorite, we also bought big #1 hands and I got flashy Canuck beads :) Our hotel was literally right across the street from GM Place which was so dope!
Then we went and got some food, then went back to the hotel and had a quick nap. After that we got ready, put our Canuck tattoos, jerseys and beads on and I did my make up. Billy and mom came down and gave Greg a beer for his birthday and then they went to the bar and we went to the arena. Unfortunatly we couldn't get in until 6 but we just walked around and took pictures and stuff, it was a lot of fun :) Then after what seemed like forever we got to line up at the doors! And! I was the first one in line :) Once we got in I just took off running not knowing which way I was going and Greg got us succesfully down to where the Canucks come out. We stood there for a good half an hour and I don't think i've ever been so anxious/excited in my life. Finally they all started coming out and I just flipped I was soooo stoked to be that close to the Canucks I thought I was going to cry. We got a video of them walking out and how close we were to which is so badass. Then we got pictures and watched them warm up and on there way back in we got high fives from all of them which was like the highlight of my life. Except Henrik Sedin and Demitra which was kinda rude but oh well. After that we went and got our seats which were really decent, they were up on the balcony, first row in the very middle. The game itself wasn't all that great, only one fight near the end and we only scored one goal as opposed to Colorado's 4, and we scored in like the last 3 or so minutes of the 3rd period. But I'm glad Colorado didn't get a shut out. Plus Greg's parents arranged for the scoreboard to say Happy 22nd Birthday Greg Peterson. Which was really cool :) It obviously would have been way more dope if they won but I didn't want it to ruin my night. I had sooooooo much fun!
And I got a souvenier popcorn bucket and drink cup... so now I can watch games at home and just fill my souvenier bucket and cup with popcorn and drank and I can wear my jersey and other stuff and just pretend im at the game :) I'm rambling so much but its cause im sooooo tired and I don't want to leave anything out but its all coming out hella jumbled.
Of course after the game we just went back to the hotel, I was pretty tired by then. The bed in the hotel was soooooo uncomfortable so I had a pretty shitty sleep and I was up at like 7:30 and we left the hotel at 9 to catch the 11:00 ferry, which ended up being way to early because we had an hour and a half wait but we poked around the ferry terminal and Greg bought me another one of my favorite perfumes because they sell them there for real cheap. And its real perfume, I wouldn't buy the fake shit. Ramble ramble ramble.
The ferry ride back was good, Greg and I played the penny game and we both got pennies on the black bottom part of the boat which is really hard to do! And we saw a clan of seals, there was ten or so which was cool. All in all it was a wonderful trip.

:: 2009 24 March :: 10.57 am

Sunday, I was on the wharf and I fed this seal and then it jumped up and kissed me on the cheek. It was so cute

:: 2009 9 March :: 11.16 pm

<<40>> | | ; S a m ; | | - says:

As one of my favorite quotes go:

"Nothing worth having comes with out some kind of fight. Gotta kick it to darkness till it bleeds daylight"

:: 2009 3 March :: 11.32 pm

I'm getting so fed up..

I miss eating.
I'm sure my stomach is like the size of a grape considering I eat, at the most probably half a cup to a cup of food per day.
Nothing tastes good and everything upsets my stomach.
Not to mention it takes like half an hour to clean my mouth out after.
It's even worse now that I have a dry socket. He has to fill it 4 times. So I went today, have to go back on Thursday, next Tuesday and next Thursday.
And he fills it with this stuff that has clove oil and then packs it with a piece of cloth soaked in clove oil. So EVERYTHING tastes and smells like cloves. Even when I'm not eating I have that hint of clove taste in my mouth.
I'm pretty sure I wont ever want to smell cloves again after this.
And the worst part is it doesn't even help with the pain.

:: 2009 1 March :: 9.32 pm

I had to get my wisdom teeth out the other day. IT FUCKING SUCKS.
I can't type it out again so here are entries from my blog:

I had like the worst fucking night last night.
I had a bad reaction to my medicine and I had the worst headache and I felt pretty dizzy so I like went to try and go back to sleep and then I had to pee so Greg helped me up and i just like almost passed out and i started shaking so bad and went into shock and they had to call the ambulance and it just like sucked so bad. I sat in the hospital for like 4 hours and I couldn't stop throwing up cause of the drug so I basically just had to wait till it was out of my system. It was a really heavy duty narcotic so obviously I wont be taking it anymore. But I'm really sketch to even take anymore pills cause i just feel like such shit.
And yesterday i had to get 4 freakin needles. And I hate needles.

So when I got to the hospital they took me out of the bed thing and put me in a wheel chair and my wheel chair was beside the bed and they dropped my IV bag and started wheeling me away and pushing the bed the opposite way so the needle started to drag out of my arm and I couldn't talk very loud but I was like "OW, OW, OW" and everyone was looking at me. It was funny though.

So right now I'm still in a lot of pain I just want this to be done with.

:: 2009 12 February :: 12.54 am
:: Mood: aggravated

When I see you, I run out of words to say.

I'm getting frustrated with people trying to tell me what to do.
Or how I feel.
There my feelings, and yes I may not know how I feel but that gives you no right to tell me how I feel.
And stop trying to tell me what to do its annoying and just makes me like you less.

Life is never smooth sailing. I'm not expecting an amazing day at the beach but could the waves stop sinking my ship atleast?

I don't wanna try now.

:: 2009 8 January :: 11.06 pm

So my new years has started off to a pretty shitty start.
As of yesterday I am unemployed.
I was suppose to work at 3 on Wednesday and I had been throwing up all day, I couldn't keep any food or water down and I wasn't going to be able to go in. I figured they wouldn't mind because I haven't called in the whole 7 months that i've worked there. So I phone for about half an hour and just couldn't get through no one picked up so I ended up having to go down there to tell them I couldn't work.
I get there and theres nothing there. They took all the movies off the shelves and they took the computer but they didn't take the screen, they took the phone. But they also left lots of the movies in the t.v section as well as a bunch of stuff in the back.
I saw them there Monday and from what I've heard Tuesday morning they had a truck and they were packing everything into it in a hurry.
Now this is the video store i've been going to since I was 9.
As well as I got a better paying job and I gave it up, but if I hadn't it would have fucked them over. And then they do this.
Not to mention they are extremly good at avoiding people.
I've called there house and they just don't answer. The other employee there doesn't know anything either. My boss' cell phone voicemail box is full. And I also still have keys to the place so I went in and left a note and I'm assuming they still haven't came back and read it because its in the exact same spot and nothing else has changed.
They also owe me all my vaccation pay, which has accumulated to quiet a bit. And I'm so pissed because I have expenses and now I am out frantically hunting for a job. Not to mention just after christmas is the worst possible time to be looking for a job, and especially with the economy these days it sucks.
Theres so much I could type about it.
I'm so stressed and angry.
I'm assuming something pretty bad has happend for them to just leave like that. I know they have had problems financially but nothing that would cause that. They could have atleast given me some notice or told me to not bother showing up anymore.
Personally I just think they are fucking pathetic cowards.
And I wish them all the worst because they fucked me over hardcore.

In other news...
I kicked ass at the gym today which was really tough but good :)
And I was driving home, it was dark and I was going down the highway and what do I see in the middle of my lane? A fucking christmas tree. Good thing there wasn't any other cars other than the bus.

Anyways off to bed. I need to be up early to continue my hunt for a job.

:: 2009 1 January :: 2.25 am

Happy 2009!

2008 wasnt all bad. The first part of the year was shit, but the rest was pretty decent.
I'm really looking forward to 2009, theres a lot of changes I'm ready to make (WEIGHT) being the biggest (no pun intended) one. Change for me isn't really a resolution, it kinda just felt this way since my birthday. But the new year is a good time to start off fresh.

Anyways I didn't party or get stupidly drunk or anything. I hung out with my bestest friend Kisa and my boyfriend Greg and we play pictonary, bingo and monopoly and it was probably one of the best new years I've had =) We also watched the ball drop in new york on tv and that ball doesn't really look to big.
Everyone probably thinks that sounds really boring.
After that Greg left and me and Kisa danced and had a nice new years bath. I actually think if we ever lived together we would probably just bath together all the time.
We decided were going to be 70 and probably still taking baths together. We'll have one of those giant walk in baths and Kisa will have to sit on my lap and well be really old and frail. Or the nurses in the nursing home will have to lift us into the bath together. And if they don't let us bath together we'll get really mad and shit our beds and refuse to bath and then smell really bad so that they will have to bath us cause they wont be able to stand the stench.

Anyways HAPPY NEW YEAR. Hope this ones a gooder. =)

:: 2008 24 December :: 11.14 pm

Feel the adrenaline movin' through my veins.

Christmas tomorrow. So beings the christmas depression.. even though it started awhile ago.
I'm not a big fan of family get togethers. I love my family very very much so I'm not sure what it is but I just get really depressed.
Christmas is probably the worst but oh well.

Went for sushi with dad tonight. My treat :) Part of his present. I also bought him his favorite man perfume. Then we went home and watch the House Bunny together it was pretty funny. I like hanging out with my dad.

Tomorrow I'm going to try and sleep in, then go let the dogs out, maybe take them for a bit of a walk but probably not. Then open presents and have breakfast and go to dads then come back here and head to aunty Connies for dinner.

I hate this part.

:: 2008 21 December :: 10.02 pm

Do you care about all the little things or anything at all?

I want to disappear.I want to disappear.I want to disappear.

:: 2008 20 December :: 5.06 pm

Save me. I've been feeling so alone.

:: 2008 19 December :: 1.21 pm

I want to disappear.

I really want things to change. But I'm so scared of what the future holds.
I'm so full of confusion that I'm losing sleep over it.
Nothing makes sense and I feel so lost.
AHHHHHHHH FUCK.

I need to change things. I need big change. I need to figure out what I want, where I want to go, who I want in my life. I need to figure out life. And I need to do this on my own...

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