Lists
Didn't you know? We can't marry for love, and we can't marry for money.
All I want now is to wake up alone in my own bed with all of my things around me with my loving dog squinting at me.
Being alone this Valentines day was pretty much the best gift I could have gotten.
Well.
Other than the Strawberry chocolate heart that Kelsey gave me.
Day one bazillion.
Lately I've been having really vivid dreams, in very real locations. For a long time I was having alot of Sandland dreams, but in the last week or so it's all been Borah, the Hillside house, the cabin, backyards of so many people so long ago... and it's all very... romantic.
And video game related?
It's getting depressing I guess.
Haven't heard hide nor hair of Joe or my things. I'm just going to go up to Emmett soon if he is really just going to be a theif.
I wish I could convince my body to be normal for like ONE WEEK, ohmuhgeeze. XD
Coley is staying with us I guess. She's a cute dog, but way more trouble than she's worth. It's obvious that she'd had no training, and to top it off she's overwheight so he "love glomps" turn into pancake pounds. She's still fun to hug though. NOT GUNNA LIE, BRUH.
I've been having really romantic dreams lately, other than that nightmare/horror adventure one on Monday, it's been pretty funny. How do you be in love with someone who never talks to you? You create a world where they are different than they really are. Girls are so unrealistic, and stupid.
Dumb girls, that's why I hate them.
5 more pounds and I'll hit my first goal. I'm not so much excited as exhausted.
Joe un-friended me, after telling me that he intended to come bring me my things... but he never did. How infuriating, stop telling me you're going to do something if you're not going to. Why the hell does he need a shiney sequiny dress? More cross-dressing? Are you with Violet now? Bffs forever?
Bull shit.
I am debating if I want to keep seeing my shrink, I am tired of him. He never talks to me, all he ever does is have me sit quietly in his office and take written tests. He gave me a HUGE workbook for homework this week, I am fucking tired of it.
He just pawns me off on papers and checks his bank statements. For the entire hour. WHAT AM I PAYING FOR?! Fuck, I am so angry right now.
Not to mention, Joe's just told me he's HAD MY THINGS IN HIS CAR, just hasn't given them to me. Um, excuse me, give me my things Jon- I MEAN JOE. God-damnit. I just want to finish all of this so that when he goes back to never talking to me I can do it without worrying that I'll never get my things back, again.
Nothing good has happened today. I hope that tonight is better.
Everything is so fuzzyy lately. These meds are so disorienting... I don't like it at all, I can't understand even the simplest things half the time. I feel sick.
Feist of the heart.
Wednesday night, my mother and I went to Lauri's house. We sat while she cried, sobbed, threatened to hurt herself, did in fact hurt herelf, and begged us not to take her.
Her boss had set up a detox session for her earlier in the day, she had to be checked in by midnight or her work wouldn't cover it. By 1030 we couldn't give her anymore time. As a team effort we dragged her into the car, mom running to start it and me swatting her hands away from the doors and windows.
Together we all drove to Intermountain, and she screamed at us, saying she would jump out of the car. I yelled at her, my breaking point having been shattered three months ago. She said if we could get her there alive she would stay for the whole treatment, and then hit my mother with the seatbelt while reaching for the door lock. I caught her by the shoulders and pulled her into a locked position from behind the seat.
Upon arrival we got her into the building, to be told that she couldn't be admitted until she was sober. She was blowing 2.somthings at that point. Explaining the situation they sent us to the ER where she was told to sit until she could blow sober. Hours and hours later that happened, she was exhausted, like all of us. We finally got her into the detox center, and mother cried outside the building for another hour. Her guilt plowing into her, both for being the one that BOUGHT Lauri beer three times a day and for being the person who had to take her into the clinic.
She'd forgotten I was there.
Eventually we got home, and grandma assigned me the job of cleaning Lauri's house from top to bottom so that when she is let out on Monday it will be comfortable.
I finally got to sleep at 5 this morning.
Then I woke up early today so I could come to the library, walking. My bike tires had exploded on Tuesday.
I cried in the shower for hours, long after the water had run cold. I cried myself to sleep, and woke up to a phone call.
My aunt spoke to me in the drunken stupor for 3 hours calling me a worthless cunt, and I sat there and cried because family is supposed to be important. Family is there for eachother, so I was there for her and I let her tell me the things I couldn't admit to myself.
Bloop.
I thought what was happening was strep, but I'm starting to think that I have gotten the flu instead. Either way, my willpower to be in the library is solid fucking steel. Who says I can't handle pressure?
(ba-dump-sheen!)
I haven no idea. I am so freaking drugged up right now.
(about an hour later)
I can't do this. I am about to pass out. I was hoping to be able to connect to people for like 2 hours but no-one worthwhile is online and I feel like shit. I'm supposed to be going to Kelsey's birthday party tonight but I can't imagine being able to. I have the chills, the body aches, the nose that is an endless faustet... my throat is killing me and my ear infection isn't getting dented.
I just want a damn hug, but I can't even get that.
dsfuhsiufhy KEDFJSIOFUHYSDUFHSFI.
Truth time.
I work my ass off everyday to make sure that my opinions and feelings about the world and its people stay how I want them. I am never still or bored because in the end I know what I want and even if it takes 20 lifetimes I won't give up.