2004 17 July :: 1.34 pm
:: Mood: nauseated
:: Music: The Weakerthans - Left and Leaving
So I've been having trouble sleeping like whoa! One night I didn't sleep until 6am. I was just laying in my bed trying to sleep. Then yesterday, I went to bed around 1am and slept until 4:14am. I finally went back to sleep at 6am and woke up at 9am.
Well, that means I slept twice. Meaning I was able to have two dreams. Wait. Did I just call them dreams? I meant nightmares. OMG! I've never been so nauseated with one of my dreams. Actually, there was that one when I was 5 and my dress was caught in the toilet and I ended up being flushed. Haha. But that's a different story.
Nightmare #1 (1am-4am): So, I'm with Christina, Scott, and John and we are out having lunch. We decided to go to Moe's and whatever. Then for some reason, Christina has to leave and she takes John and Scott with her...leaving me all alone. Anyway, so Sean is working there and he offers to take me home. So he took me home then he tried to lean in to kiss me and I laughed and said, "I just ate a burrito!!" So for some reason I told him to wait and I ran out of the car and came back and pulled a Virgin Suicides kiss. Then I went back inside.
Virgin Suicides kiss: When Kirsten Dunst gets out of Josh Hartnett's car. Then runs back and jumps on top of him to kiss him.
Nightmare #2 (6am-9am): I went to the Thursday concert and Scotty bumped into me. He asked me if I wanted to go to the movies and I said okay. We went into one of the theatres and no one was there, but us. So we started making out and he made me touch his bone! We made out for an hour and a half...or until the movie ended.
So that was my nightmare. I don't now which one is worse.
21 &hearts |
2004 29 June :: 9.10 am
:: Mood: full
:: Music: Silverstein - Red Light Pledge
So you know how Sean would take lines from my profile and put it in his...well, my sister asked me if I had ever asked him about it and I told her no.
The last time I talked to him was like last Wednesdsay and it was very brief. I was even thinking...I should take him off my buddy list. He's always away or I'm always away and it's like playing away tag. But whatever. So, yesterday I talked to him. I was going to bring up the whole profile situation, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it.
I mean, what would I say. Hey, buddy, you stealin' my profile? I don't know. I don't really care anymore. It doesn't matter.
I don't know, whatever. I just found it really funny about that one line being from a song that isn't in his category of music that he listens to. :/
27 &hearts |
2004 1 June :: 5.27 pm
:: Mood: creative
:: Music: Copeland - Priceless
What up kids?! Well, I'd just like to say congratu-f&$*in-lations to Kayla and her new found heart throb! And there she was...worried that she would never find a nice guy to hang out with...
Mad props to Christina for puttin' her game on. Woot Woot! Haha. What's the low down? Hmm, you're comfortable eating around him...what's next? Hmm...
Kudos to you and yours.
And might I add that I am OFFICIALLY OVER Scott!!!! I think I came to that realization on Sunday. Like an epiphany of some sort...don't really know how though.
Keep it in your shirt, groupie.
16 &hearts |
2004 28 May :: 5.06 pm
:: Mood: done!
:: Music: every fucking emo song in my collection
fuck what i said, it don't mean shit now
Bound to say something, eyes closed. It's cold, and I'm home. I feel like nothing again. Pretending not to care, but I care. And I care, don't say another word. Our time was worthless, but I tried. We started over and over again, as we let go. Held each other, held hands, Held standards and grudges. That's when I let you know, I guess that goes to show.
Just what I've been going through, More nights of hugging my pillow, oh. Replaying memories.
Sing this song for me; Tell me how you値l never leave my side. And I'll meet you at 7, And I miss you already, goodbye to you.
Time was worthless, but I tried We started over and over again, as we let go Held each other, held hands, held standards and rudges That's when I let you know, I guess that goes to show
Sing this song for me; Tell me how you値l never leave my side. And I'll meet you at 7, And I miss you already, goodbye to you.
And I tried so hard, And I've done my part, And not to mention most of all of yours. Try and feel, Try and listen, Try and think of what you're missing, Try to look into my eyes. TRY
Sing this song for me; Tell me how you値l never leave my side. And I'll meet you at 7, And I miss you already, goodbye to you. Last goodbye I'll ever say to you. You'll never leave my side.
4 &hearts |
2004 24 May :: 9.10 am
:: Mood: bored
:: Music: The Farewell News - Make Yourself At Home Because You Make Me Sick
your ass is a spaceship i want to ride
Damn yo. I am so bored and surprisingly not horny! Just tired...like whoa...I just typed in my screen name and it gives links to my pita. Damn. I hate the internet sometimes.
2004 16 May :: 10.24 am
:: Music: Straylight Run - It's for the best
I need a boy
Don't worry Christina. The conversation I gave you under nufan was all that happened. The pirate one was a fake. But it seemed true at first didn't it? This was fake:
s: you're so hot i'm going to write a song about you
s: you don't believe me. then i'll write one how christina is obsessed with me
j: she ain't obsessed she just thinks you're gorgeous and wants to jump your bones
s: even better
j: do it do it
s: wow this is getting exciting. i guess the next time i c you i'll say soemthing to her
s: she really thinks im gorgeous
j: did i stutter? she'll blush if you come by, but inside she'll adore you even more
Haha. Hmm, maybe a conversation like that will take place. That was fun.
Okay, real reason I'm here. Homecoming, sure...I'll go. Cause you're right...it's a friends thing. Prom...nah. I won't go. Because 1)I won't have a boyfriend. (don't want a boyfriend though.) 2)can I say expensive? Do you know how many cds you can buy with that?!
It's the last week of school, so you all better watch out! Jen's being a horn dog and I don't think she can keep it in her pants much longer. Let me warn you...there will be some serious butt grabbing going on. A lot of shoddy pick up lines...do you want a raisin? How about a date?
6 &hearts |
2004 14 May :: 10.16 pm
:: Mood: horny
:: Music: Thursday - Concealer
I need a fix cause I'm going down...
Damn yo! I don't know why or how, but I am!!! Psh, yo I've got tuh have sex tuh-night!! I'm bored. Sex anyone?. Good God. And it's a Friday night and I'm all alone. :( Where's a guy when you need him?
Seriously though. Do you have any idea how long it's been since I've grabbed a guy's butt? September. Last victim: Kyle. I miss that thrill with a passion. Like just totally going in for the kill. I got my radar on lock, yo. Like that sudden rush you get right before you grab. It's like you don't even remember the grab, you just remember the sensation that you get when you're doing it. Not just that though. I don't know. I'm going to rape Adam the next time I see him. No more humping the air. This time it's the real thing. hxc. (I've been saying that A LOT lately!)
And what the fuck am I saying?
I am so high right now.
Sa-weet. I shall grow balls this weekend so that I may attempt to grab at random boys' butts. Adam's especially. Maybe a couple of random guys here and there. Like that one freshman swimmer kid. He's a looker.
Any other suggestions?
Dude, comment! That's what it's there for queerschmacks!
6 &hearts |
2004 14 May :: 9.07 pm
:: Mood: bored
:: Music: Northstar - Rocket City
I'm not one for school functions. Pep rally, homecoming, prom, and all that good stuff. Well, senior year is a pretty big year. I should have something to remember my high school year with.
I was talking with my sister about how many of my friends want to go with dates to homecoming/prom. So, she's like, well, find a date. And I'm thinking...is there crack in your big mac?! Then she said, mom and dad said that Jackie could get a date. (For some reason she didn't have one...or at least she didn't show him to my parents) Anyway, so I'm like...yeah, I don't think so. Mom and Dad would never let me have a date until I'm thirty something.
I don't know. My parents don't trust me. And they shouldn't. I guess they think I might make out and have sex or something instead of going to prom. Wrong. I'd go to prom. Haha.
Lately I've been asked, "are you going to prom?" and I've said, not this year, but probably next year. And I had high hopes. But now it's like...wow, I'd have so much fun being a wallflower, eh? In the event that my parents do let me have a date for prom, I don't think I'd get one. Sadly. Yes, I know. I lack self-confidence. I don't have that many guy friends anyway. Matt, I think you're the only one. Haha. And INCEST ISN'T BEST!!!
I don't know. I think even if I did go to prom with a boy. I'd feel so weird. I know I'd regret not going to prom, but really, why waste $50 on a ticket to a place where I'm going to have a crappy experience. I don't mean to sound so down and out, but I'm just thinking negatively.
I have no balls.
1 &hearts |
2004 14 May :: 8.04 pm
:: Mood: amused
:: Music: Thursday - Cross Out the Eyes
Wow. I don't know how long Drew has known, but he sure does know. You see, I think it was yesterday, or maybe...I don't know...Dori told me that she knew something about me. I really wanted to know what it was. Yeah, so I'm finding out right now. Both of them know about Scott. Like things I didn't even know about until I thought long and hard about it. Craziness. Good God. This conversation is straight up crazy! Holy hell...and it just got even crazier!
What the fack.
2004 14 May :: 4.37 pm
:: Mood: dirty
:: Music: The Shins - Kissing the Lipless
I guess I never answered the question
Yeah, so I guess I never answered the question. Would I have sex with someone I didn't love? My answer. No. I wouldn't. Although, I do believe that I'll end up having sex before I'm married. Maybe it won't be true love, but I look at the question as, would you have sex with someone you had no feelings for...like basically have sex with anything that has a twig and berries. So that's what I think.
That was fun.
2004 12 May :: 7.32 pm
:: Mood: contemplative
:: Music: The Farewell News - Your Words
It's been a while. 10 days to be exact. Anyway, I don't know why I'm writing in here instead of in jencey. I guess this is the place where I write about boys and sex and all that good stuff. So, what am I here to write about? So, I saw this random question...Would you have sex with someone that you didn't love?.
Call it what you will. Sex, making love, fucking, whoopy, doing "it"...the list goes on and on. Question: Would I have sex with someone if I didn't love them? Wow, something I've been thinking about for the longest time. For those of you who know me really well, you know that in the past that it was an ambition of mine to become a nun. I figured, good God, what's the use in sex. When you're a nun, that should be the last thing on your mind. Nuns are the empitome of holyness. (So, I should be the first one to break that theory...KIDDING!) But anyway, then, I thought about it and figured, I could do a lot of things in life if I tried. So, being a nun was out of the picture...but maybe it will come back if I feel like it.
Back to my story. I'm probably the most horniest girl ever...it just doesn't show on the exterior. I appear to be very innocent and quiet and over protected (werd). But for the past few years, my sex drive has been outrageous. (Britney Spears...like woah!)
For as long as I could remember, I have wanted to keep my virginty and give it to the man that I would marry. So that in hopes, I could have something special to give to him. Besides, it seems that being a virgin while you're still in your teens shows you're not willing to give in to the pressures. How many times have we been told that you should have intercourse with someone you love?
But in this day and age, so many people are having sex. Just recently, I found out that a lot of people AREN'T VIRGINS! I'm not trying to say that I feel like I'm an outsider for being a virgin and that I'm going to have sex with the next guy I see, it just surprises me. It's like, I learned that you should keep your virginity until it's with someone you love and care deeply for. Say that you love someone. Then you end up having sex with them and then later on, you don't love them anymore. Then it's on your neck that you had sex with someone without really loving them. All it was was just lust. And that's what aches so many people.
No one really knows what love is.
And that's what I'm talking about. If I do end up a virgin until I'm married, will it be special? It kind of makes me think. Will the person I do it with also be a virgin? Do I really want to be inexperienced on my wedding night? Do I want to be a virgin when I'm in my late 20s...out of college, good career, and all of that?
But if I do engage in sex before I get married, how will I be perceived? No one can keep a secret these days. But that's not what I'm worried about. I guess I'm just worried about a couple of things. Like breaking my abstinence promise (yeah, I signed it in the 8th grade!!), what if I get pregnant, what if it's bad. HAHAHA. I don't know. It makes you think. Hmm, that's the first guy I had sex with. It could be a good thought or a bad thought. I don't know. It's something that will always be remembered. No matter how hard you try to forget.
Would I have sex with someone that I didn't love? I guess it depends on who the person is and what the circumstances are...like you're in the heat of the moment.
2004 2 May :: 6.59 pm
:: Mood: mixed feelings
:: Music: The Cure - Love Song
when it's over, i mean it's over.
That's it. It's official. It's all over. Done. No need to give him the note. I had to type the damn thing out. He pretty much said that I was making it weird first. And that I shouldn't waste my time on him.
No more Scott. Nothing. No heys, no talking, no thinking about it. Gone. Over and done with.
2004 2 May :: 2.47 pm
:: Mood: grateful
:: Music: Death Cab For Cutie - Lightness
I finished the note. Two pages, front and back...and I write crazy small. I'm making a few revisions though because I want it to be perfect...just like Scott. Kidding.
Now that I think about it, I don't know if I want to give him the note. I think we both see each other as friends, just minus the benefits now. Everytime I read the note, I realize that I'm slowly getting over him. So if I gave him the note, it would probably scare him off or something. But my entire purpose of writing the note is not to get back together with him, but to get my point across and wanting him to know how I feel...but until he unblocks me, I guess he'll never know how I feel. (call me crazy/stupid/insane/LOCO! for saying this, but I'd come back to him)
Maybe this all was a big mistake and it shouldn't have happened because look where we are now. I guess all I can say is that I'm grateful that Scott took a chance with me. The whole friends with benefits deal was fun while it lasted and something that I won't ever forget about.
I never hated Scott. Nope, not at all. Sure I was mad at him, but nothing hardcore. I guess what I'm trying to say is that all I can say are good things. Since day one he's been a really great guy and from this day on, he'll still be a great guy. It just wasn't meant to be.
I don't think I need all of this hoopla on me right now. My mind needs to be on other things, like focusing on my AP exams, and tests and all of that stuff. Scott and I were there to fulfill each other's horny needs. I guess I was in my moods because I was so damn horny. Ha ha.
So that now leads me with the burning question...who's going to cure me of my horniness?
There's always Sean. Kidding.
2004 30 April :: 5.12 pm
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: Incubus - I Miss You
it's about time...
5:12pm. My eyes have gone shed a tear over Scott. I had been thinking. Wow, I'm handling all of this pretty well. Sure I'm emotional inside and yeah, it appears on the outside sometimes, but like not to a point where tears have come rolling down my face. But now they are just crashing down like non-stop. I started crying when I was reading over a conversation that I had with Scott. You know, that 14 page conversation, where I talked to him for like 4 hours when we started to plan our first meeting. It brought back so many mixed emotions. Because it's like, wow, those were the good times. I just don't know what I'm going to do. All I need to do is talk to him for a second, like just tell him that I want to meet him and then give him the note. I want to watch him read it. I hope he doesn't throw it out. I haven't finished writing it out on paper, so far it's a page and a half. I just want some kind of answer or something. I can't have this on my head when I'm taking my APs. It's going to kill me while I'm taking it. This is like the worst possible time to be concerned about all of this. But I can't help myself. Scott is so irresistable. He treats me like shit, but I can't get over him until he hears me out.
2004 30 April :: 4.47 pm
:: Mood: rejected
:: Music: Sparta - Collapse
the note i'm going to give to scott because i'm still blocked
Do what you want with this note. I think I have a pretty good idea about how you feel about what you're about to read. (You probably have no desire to bring up the past, but I just want to let you know how I feel.) I would have to told you days ago, but I don't see you online too much (I don't think I would say all of this through a computer anyway.) And I don't see you around school anymore to tell you face to face, so I guess my last resort is to write it in pen and paper. I figure it's the only way for you to hear me out.
I miss your company. I miss being able to meet you at 7am. I miss being so secretive about the whole thing. I miss your hugs and how my head could only reach around your ribcage. I miss your kisses. I miss the way your cologne rubbed off on my shirt. I miss having your hands in mine. I miss the way you rubbed the small of my back. I miss the way you'd put your hands in my hair. I miss the way you leaned on me. I miss how you would talk about my shoes. I miss the way you would try to get frisky each day. But most of all, I miss the way you made me happy. I mean, not that I'm depressed or anything, it's just that when I was with you, I could just be with you. Since we've gone our separate ways, I feel like you took a piece of me with you. Sometimes I think, why did I have to go ahead and get into all of this? I asked you if this was going to royally screw our friendship or in anyway make it weird and you said that it wouldn't, so I took your word for it. And now, I mean, I still consider us friends, but you have to admit things are a bit weird between us.
Not only am I sad/lonely, but I'm also confused. I tried to make myself not like you in the way where you were the only thing I could think about. I'm wondering why I haven't gotten over you for the way you've treated me. Avoiding/ignoring me, trying to piss me off, etc. Why do I want to be with you if all I think you want to do is ignore me? Maybe it's because you were my first everything. My first make out, my first friend with benefits, the first guy I could just let myself go with. It's like, when I was with you, so many things were going smoothly. You made everything that was ugly---beautiful. But then everything just went downhill after we stopped talking. My grades started to drop, I got sick, my home life was too much for me to handle...it was like, once you shot me down, everything was a downward spiral. And I'm mad at you for that. It kills me just to think about you, Scott. It's like somehow, everything reminds me of you. Like, if someone talks about you, like Sean or Christina, or if I see anything that reminds me of you like if I listen to Coheed and Cambria or something; it makes me remember the times I had with you, they were the best. You never gave me any kind of warning or anything. You just let things be unresolved and by doing that, you expected everything to be fixed...for you at least. I'm probably just setting myself up for a broken heart, but I'd rather have you break my heart. It's silly because I don't really know how you feel. I'm sure this is the last thing you want to be thinking about.
I want to know what it was that I did that was so wrong. I don't know what you want! I wish I could just read your mind and find out what is (or was) that is making you turn away.
I don't know what it is that gets me head over heels over you. I think I know why you broke all ties with me. I guess you thought that I was an emotional kind of girl. And I'm the biggest emo baby you'll ever get to know. But I could never really show my emotions of like tears, hate, sadness, etc. because you didn't make me feel like that. If anything, I was happy around you. That's like the only emotion I could show towards you. I couldn't show any feelings of affection...you know, I guess you brought more of the cuddling into the whole thing. I felt like if I did then you would think I was getting too close or clingy. It's not like I was trying to make it seem like we were a couple when we would hang out. I always figured we were friends when we were doing this because it was fun, rebellious, and gave us something to do. Now that it's over, I miss it like crazy. I don't think you got the chance to know me. This ended so suddenly and I think we just have the wrong idea about each other and I just don't want things to be that way.
When I saw you a couple of days ago, I was like, wow, he said hey. I guess he doesn't hate me. But when I got into my 2nd period class I just wanted to breakdown. For it me it's like, you don't know what you've got till it's gone.
I don't know what your reaction will be to all of this because this is what wasn't supposed to happen...where someone gets their feelings hurt and comes out with a broken heart. I don稚 think I知 necessarily heart-broken, I知 just deeply hurt. When you asked me if I'd kiss you and I said yes, I was serious when I said that because I felt like, "Wow, I'm really getting to know Scott. He's a great guy and why not my first experience be with someone who I can trust and that I'm interested in and that I want to get to know better." I felt like we wanted the same thing...We didn't want to be tied down or anything...We wanted to have fun, so that's why we started to make out. I think we both liked each other going into this, but just through attraction. I'm not saying that making out with you was the worst thing that happened; it just made my feelings for you stronger, but I didn't realize it at the time. Spending those mornings with you is probably the highlight of my entire high school year. But never in a million years did I think that I would have been the one to fall for you. Maybe I'm just horny. Haha. I know that's the last thing you wanted to happen, for me to have strong feelings for you because you love Diana so much and you said that you felt like you were cheating on her and I totally understood where you were coming from. That made me like you even more when you said that because it's like, "God, he is so devoted to her. It has to be so hard for them to live miles away from each other and they like each other so much." But I still wanted to kiss you in how you stated, "a more hornier way." Haha. But I was getting different vibes from you afterwards. I don't think we were open enough with each other. I wasn't sure what you wanted anymore and I should have asked you. We were there to cuddle and kiss, but I didn't know what you considered too much cuddling and that there were so many different ways for a kiss to be interpreted. Passionate kisses, satisfaction kisses, goodbye kisses...It's so ambiguous, a kiss can mean so many things.
I don't want you to think of me as a girl who you taught how to make out. I don't think of this as a mistake either because it was fun. It's like I had something to look forward to each day. To me it was like, "I get to see Scott today." I didn't matter if it was for fifteen minutes or one minute, because it was like bliss being around you.
I totally respect that you didn't go off saying to your buddies, "I'm going to make out with some girl." Most guys would probably say that, but you're not most guys. You're different and that's what made me say yes to kiss you. I can't think of any other person I would have rather have had as the first guy I made out with. I think a person will always remember the first time they made out with someone. I don't want to erase all the memories I had of you. I figured that you can only find a guy like you only in my dreams. You just have this affect on me that keeps me lingering on to you.
Whatever it is that you decide to do; I hope it works out for the best. I just want you to be happy. I'm sorry if it seemed like I was trying to cure you of your problems the other day. You know yourself better than anyone else and it was wrong of me to tell you what to do. I don't even know if I'm one of the reasons for your "depression", but this is just my form of release, and what's been bothering me lately. I feel like writing this is getting me through everything that has been bothering me. I don't want to be miserable over something that made me feel the complete opposite.
I hope we can patch things up because I don't like not talking to you. I'll see you around.