L'amour...

:: 2023 1 March :: 10.35am

I am just a piece of shitty trash in the Pacific ocean garbage patch

:: 2023 21 January :: 6.57am
:: Music: "Only the Lonely Survive" by Marianas Trench

We can still climb enough to save our souls...
Urghhhh.
That is all.

Okay, I lied.
That isn't all.

I just feel silly ranting about the little unimportant things. xD

That said... UGHHH. Jay is really annoying me lately. Like... I get that we're only talking at this point and that he doesn't owe me anything, but he's so unresponsive so much of the time that it's like... bruh. Are you really THAT busy that you can't return my messages? >.>

We had tentatively planned to go out tonight, which means finally meeting in person for the first time. That's mostly why I'm irritated.

We were supposed to have a date last month. I even got all dressed up and did my hair and makeup and everything. But he ended up running late because of work... and that eventually turned into cancelled plans. He said he felt terrible about it. I gave him outs, but he insisted that he really wanted to be there and wanted to make it up...

Since then, we've talked every day, even when he was on a trip overseas. Fast forward to this week. We had never set plans in stone, but we did agree that Saturday should work for both of us. A couple days later, at random, he asked me what my favorite drink and flower were... and at the risk of disappointment, I let myself get a little excited, thinking about how sweet it would be of him to bring flowers.

Then, I messaged him yesterday to try to figure the details out, or to see if tonight would even still work out, and so far... silence. I genuinely don't think he's not responding to be a dick, or that he's ghosting me or anything. It's just annoying... >.<

Oh well. I guess we'll see. Worst case, he's another fuckboi, and if so, fuck him. But realistically, if I know anything of his patterns so far, he'll probably message me any minute now. xD

Regardless, at least today should be interesting~

:: 2023 18 January :: 8.25am
:: Mood: relaxed
:: Music: "Use My Voice" by Evanescence

I am an island.
I came to that conclusion today.
And I think life will be better for it.

Growing up, aside from a rather healthy dose of dysfunction, my family was rather traditional. My dad did hard blue-collar work, and for the most part, my mom stayed at home, doing the cooking, cleaning, and taking care of the kids. Having them as role models, it's no wonder that my biggest dream as a kid was to grow up, fall in love, get married, and have a family of my own. For so many years, all I looked forward to was the day I would be a mom.

Fast forward more years than I care to count. xD

Here I sit, 33 years wise, and that dream has still yet to come to fruition. If I told my childhood self that I still wouldn't be a mom at 33, I would have laughed. No way. By then, I'd DEFINITELY have my shit together. I'd have a happy and fulfilling marriage to the man of my dreams, a perfect cozy home together, and I'd finally have some idea what I want to do with the rest of my life. Instead, I just have body aches, debt, and anxiety. >.> But also blue hair, so... small victories. ^^;;

Okay, in all seriousness, I do have SOME of those things figured out. At the very least, I've made HUGE strides in mental and emotional growth. I learned a lot of life lessons the hard way. I've struggled with some of the lowest pits of depression and substance abuse. I've been messy, I've been ugly, I've been downright toxic. I was a girl with little self-worth, and even less self-love. Now, I'm a woman with grace... well, except in the physical sense. xD I'm patient with myself, I forgive myself, I treat myself with compassion. I finally love myself.

I honestly don't know why I started life off with so much self-hatred... and it's really sad to think about and remember... I'm sure it comes down to some form of childhood trauma or learned behaviors, but really, all I know is that I never felt good enough being myself. I always felt the need to strive to be more or better. And, being the perfectionist I am... I could never meet my own impossible standards... and I thought that EVERYONE else noticed that I was falling short too. In reality, it was mostly just me.

Anyway, back to the point at hand... Yes, I am married, happily for the most part. Yes, I do have a home, even if it is shared with family for the foreseeable future. And... well, I'm still working on the whole "what I'm doing with my life" part, but 2-ish out of 3 isn't bad, right?

But the thing is... I'm realizing that my childhood dreams don't necessarily fit me anymore. And that's been a lot to process. Sure, I'm married, but I'm also poly. That in and of itself is a HUGE shock to the system. How can I have the white picket fence All-American dream if I'm in love with more than one person? What does that kind of future even look like? It's not something we ever really saw growing up. Even in today's world, it's pretty uncommon, misunderstood, and often looked down on.

I find my inner child sometimes retreating back to that old dream, getting scared of the unsure future I'll face if I keep going down this road. I doubt myself, wondering if I'm making a mistake by living the way I am, and if I'd be happier just going back to living a monogamous lifestyle. But then I look at Michael and think about how much love he's brought into my life, and at Kristin, who has made Aaron so happy... and it reaffirms what I already know in my heart. I'm not meant for that white picket fence kind of life.

But that's okay. I've always preferred wrought-iron fences anyway. <3

Still... it's been hard not to feel just a tad bit anxious thinking about the future and what this lifestyle DOES mean for me. I have two serious partners, and honestly, I don't see that changing anytime soon. So then... How will living arrangements work out? A poly household sounds pretty great, but what if living all together isn't as wonderful as we imagine? What about children? I know that both my husband and boyfriend want kids eventually... but I'm already 33, and I STILL don't feel like we're ready... Mayhaps once we cross the living arrangements bridge, that one will feel more natural, but who knows?

And what happens if I meet someone incredible and fall in love again? Two relationships are already hard enough to manage. Am I supposed to just shut off all new romantic possibilities going forward? Sure, there's always the options to keep new connections more casual, but... I honestly don't really think that's for me. I'm not interested in purely physical connections. When I fall for someone, it's just for who they are as a person. I become fascinated with their entire being. I want to get to know all about them, learn what makes them tick, what they're passionate about, their hopes and fears, their secrets, their dreams... I like it deep. Okay, that sounded more perverted than I meant it to. xD

So then I had a bit of a revelation. I was out running errands yesterday, and completely at random, I decided to stop at the park across the street from the apartments I grew up in. My own little nostalgic safe haven. I took a walk through the woods, my boots crunching the snow beneath me. I took in the fresh air, brushed my fingers against the trees, took pictures beside the creek, and thought back on plenty of sweet memories. I was alone, but I was at peace.

I remembered then... I quite enjoy being alone. In fact, I'd honestly say that I kind of THRIVE being alone. It's when I can really reflect on things and figure things out. When I can piece together what it is I want, and what steps I should take going forward. It's when I find my old creative soul peeking out into the world again.

The only problem has been my anxiety... Ever since the panic attack that landed me in the hospital back in 2021, it's taken a lot of work to getting back to that place of feeling SAFE being alone... For the longest time, I couldn't be alone, especially at night. I always found myself trying to find people to talk to, even if it meant engaging with people I wasn't really all that thrilled to talk to. But little by little, I've been pushing myself to be alone again. And I'm remembering how much I enjoy my own company.

I know, I'm getting a little long-winded. ("Getting?" she thinks to herself... xD) But I promise, we're about to wrap this up with a neat little bow. ;P

So, thinking about all these things tonight... Another realization hit me. As much as I had always loved my alone time, going all the way back to late nights online as a teenager (probably writing all my thoughts down in my old online journal, much as I'm doing now x3), I always lacked the confidence to truly be emotionally independent. When I was in a relationship, it wasn't "my" life/future anymore, it was "our" life/future. I wasn't "me", we were "we".

Bringing this back home to the whole "what does my poly future look like?" matter... The reason it's so hard to wrap my head around is because, up until now... I had never really just thought about what I want in life going forward. I never thought of my future as solely my own. It's always been a matter of "me and [insert partner here]"... So of course that would make things difficult when you have more than one partner to consider in your future.

That said... that kind of thinking no longer does me any favors. I am an island, and I honestly think I'll lead a happier life in the long run keeping that in mind. So rather than thinking "I already have two partners filling up my relationship 'slots', I can't handle more than that, I have to limit myself, etc.", I'm choosing to see it differently.

"I have myself, and I am free. Free to feel however I feel, free to choose who I give my time and energy to, free to set boundaries and limitations, free to decide who deserves me in their lives and who doesn't, free to make mistakes, free to change my mind, free to grow and evolve, free to choose me."

If you think about it, why should it be any different than friendships? Some friends I talk to all the time. Others I hardly talk to, but then we get together and it's like no time has passed. Some friends I only hang out with for certain shared interests and hobbies. Some I go out with, others I stay in with. Sure, some friends get more of my time and energy than others, but does that mean I love my other friends any less? Of course not.

My point is... I'm done trying to live my life in a box, and trying to fit all the people I know and care for into other little boxes. Why not let love grow organically, in whatever way it chooses to bloom? Whether it's platonic or romantic, it's still beautiful, and it should be free to blossom naturally.

Even outside of relationships, I feel like this "island" kind of thinking is so much better suited for me. For example, how many nights have I put off working on passion projects because I felt required to spend time with a partner? I can only imagine where I might be if I had really let my heart and soul take me where it wanted to all those times. What words would I have written? What songs would I have sung? Would I be closer to achieving any of my dreams?

I'm not here to mourn those nights. I'm purely here now to embrace the future. A future where, yes, I will enjoy plenty of nights spent with my loved ones, but I also won't be afraid to choose myself, in whatever capacity that means. Whether it's taking a night to myself for creative outlets, or choosing to embrace a new connection with someone, or just having the courage to go stag to a party. It also means respecting myself and my boundaries, and making sure everyone else respects them too.

So yes. I am an island.
My loved ones are my favored destinations, but only I am me.
And I honor myself best when I choose me.
<3

:: 2023 9 January :: 4.09am
:: Mood: geeky
:: Music: "To Zanarkand" by Nobuo Uematsu

Oh, and uh...
... enjoy the 'new' playlist, btw~
And the throwback 'snowflakes'!
What can I say?
I was feeling nostalgic.
<3

Now, if you need me... I'll just be over here mourning the loss of MySpace and AIM and longing for the days when all that mattered was coming home from school to make AMVs with terribly pixelated video game footage and roleplay all my fandoms with online friends I've STILL never met.

Okay, technically that's a lie. I DID eventually meet Nny, and that counts for something, considering he was one of my BEST online friends back in middle school. <3

Still waiting to meet my Nikki though! x3

Ugh... just SAYING that took me back... Gods, I'm old... x_____x;

:: 2023 9 January :: 4.03am
:: Mood: bouncy
:: Music: "Ocean Avenue" by Yellowcard

"I gotta go get my fish sticks..."
Whaaaaaaat is UP Woohu?! Damn, it's been a minute, huh? I've meant to come back and write in here more times than I can count, but every time I would inevitably get distracted by something and--SQUIRREL!! O_O

... What was I saying? .___. Oh yeah! So I've come to realize that, over the years, I've kind of forgotten how to just... purge. To just come to a blank space on the interwebs and spew whatever thoughts or feelings that I'm currently dealing with. Hell, even in handwritten journals that I have, I find myself struggling to come up with what I should write about.

At times, it's hard not to think that it's because I'm just so depressed these days that I don't feel things NEARLY as much as I used to. And if I don't feel things like I used to... should I? Am I breaking down or evolving? I can see it both ways. On one hand, perhaps it's just that I've finally hit that age where not everything is a dramatic, life or death situation. But on the other hand, am I losing the passionate side of myself that I identified so strongly with? I know it's still there, but... I'm not necessarily the raging inferno I used to be. Mayhaps I'm more of... Idk... A tiki torch? xD

I'm munching on coal. Not the real stuff. The chocolate stuff. It's like... 2:15 in the morning, and I have to work in a little bit, but I figured that I owed it to myself to sit down and actually try to do the thing that's been eluding me for... over two years now? Whewww, time flies. Sometimes I'm glad for that, but other times, it's just another step closer to the grave. Morbid, I know, but I've had a lot of those thoughts in the past two years.

Damn, did this entry change tones fast! xD I promise you, I'm fine, and not all is doom and gloom. I think it was just important to really confront those things so that I could move forward with living my best life. Honestly, I've been doing a lot of confronting lately.

*grabs a handful of m&ms* ... These aren't even m&ms... They're Hershey's wannabe m&ms. I am disappoint. I can trust nothing. x_x;

Anyway, yes, confronting. One thing that I've really learned in therapy (yes, I'm in therapy now - huzzah!) is that I can't simply avoid the things that trigger me or what I'm afraid of. I think I already knew that, but hearing it told to me so directly really made it sink in.

It's scary, I won't lie. Anxiety is a bitch, and some days, triggers are relentless. But the more I face them, the more I learn to trust myself, and the more I really do start to believe that I can handle whatever comes my way. So whatever doesn't kill me best be prepared. :P

Enough of the heavy shit though. Let's get to more fun topics!

When last I left you, my dear, beautiful Woohu, I was newly dating a guy named Zach in my very first ENM relationship. And let me tell you, that experience was a WHIRLWIND. First off, after a bit of soul searching and self-discovery, Zach is now Percy, short for Persephone, and I couldn't be more proud of her! ^_^ Unfortunately, things didn't work out between us due to external factors, but we're still very close and have nothing but love for each other. <3

That said, that break up, which happened around this time last year, was definitely a tough one. I had found a soulmate in her, and although I knew the important thing, the love itself, was still there, I also knew that it meant I was losing something beautiful. It put me into a rabbit hole of trying to distract myself by talking to new people, but I quickly found out that a lot of people are unfortunately disappointing.

Thus, I, Squallet, began the quest of dodging fuckbois. xD Most of the time, they made it pretty easy. An unsolicited dick pic here, a "you busy tonight?" there... and of course, the ever so charming "I'd probably fuck you". Oh, yes. That last one was actually a message I received. Like "... thaaaaanks?" I might have been pissed off if it hadn't been so brain-numbingly stupid that I was GENUINELY amused. XD

Enter Sam, AKA Irish fuckboi~ I honestly don't have much of anything to say about Sam, because in hindsight, he had next to no personality whatsoever, and I couldn't give a fuck less about him at this point in my life. XD But for whatever reason, I was in such an emotional, low self-esteem place that I got REALLY hung up when he ghosted me. I laugh at it now because it really was a nothing connection, but I felt stupid that he slipped past my radar (I blame the accent) and disheartened because he was the first person I felt a connection with post-Percy, when I honestly thought that I'd never fall in love again.

Well... spoiler alert... I fell in love again. <3 Fuckbois and other disappointments aside, I actually have met some pretty great people over the past year. One in particular is pretty fantastic... His name is Michael, and we've been together for just over 9 months now. Of course, the name gave me PTSD at first because we all know my track record with Mikes. xD

What can I say about Michael? He's a bit of a hurricane. When we first met, I honestly wrote him off as another fuckboi, which we've laughed about since. I'm happy to say that I was wrong, and there's been a whole beautiful world of a person underneath that I've gotten to know. He's a Pisces, because of course he is. We all know that they've always been my weakness. He's tall, dork, and handsome. ;3 He's funny, energetic, passionate, and I could stare into his eyes forever. <3 Sometimes he reminds me of me when I was younger - very emotional, and sometimes very defensive. Some of our earlier struggles definitely felt like someone was holding up a mirror of my past. We've come a long way since then though, and honestly, I already feel like we've been together for years. I joke that he's not my boyfriend, he's my second husband. And you best bet that I'll be putting a ring on it one of these days. <3

Oh, SPEAKING of huge life-altering decisions... I came out as poly! It can still be scary talking about it so openly and I always worry that people will judge what they don't understand, but it's been more than worth it. It's not a fun feeling loving somebody so much and feeling like you have to keep them a secret, or that you're being kept a secret on their end. But now, I can talk about my partners, I can post pictures of us together, and best of all, I can enjoy the important moments together with them. Just a little over a week ago, I was able to celebrate New Year's with both Aaron and Michael by my side, and it was incredible. ^_^

And SPEAKING of Aaron... (I see a pattern emerging xD) he has a girlfriend now too. Her name is Kristin, and she's AMAZING!! :D Unfortunately, she lives out of state, so he's only gotten to visit her a few times, but I'm looking forward to the day that she can live closer to us. Hell, we're already all talking about having a big, happy, poly household, and honestly, I would love that! <3 She and I would craft up a storm, share our cute gaming worlds with each other, and decorate for the holidays like no one's business! >:3

But SPEAKING of no one's business! ... Okay, I'm done. XD

Aaaaand then there's Jay... What do we have to say about Jay? I'm not quite sure yet... ;P He's an interesting guy. He's smart, well-spoken, motivated, adventurous, sweet... and he's definitely cute... But I'm not really looking for anything serious at the moment. Two partners is already a LOT to handle. Plus, partners aren't like Pokemon - you can't just try to catch them all. xD It's important to make sure you have the time and energy to give to them to make them feel loved and valued. Anyhow, so far we've only been talking, but I can't help but be intrigued... Idk, my intuition started spiking when this one came around, so I guess we'll see. o.o

Aside from him, I've decided that my dating doors are closed for the foreseeable future. Flirting is fun and all, and yes, it was a confidence boost to suddenly get a bunch of attention from men again, but honestly... I'm kind of over that kind of attention. I just want to meet cool people. I want to talk about life and where we've been, what we've learned, how we've grown. And I want to get out and LIVE life, hopefully with some new, interesting faces. I want to feel valued as a person and make genuine friends, rather than feeling like just an object of desire. That shit gets old FAST.

Did I really need to post about ANY of this? Not really. But you know what? I'm glad that I am! xP My goal now is make it a habit to come back to this journal like I did back in the good old days. You know, when I was a young whippersnapper! XD

So going forward, don't expect me to give you the full plot of what's going on in my life, because now you know! This is going to be a place to vent again. To rant to my heart's content and just scream at the void when I need to. Because, really, there is something healing about just getting it out. Even if it IS embarrassing, or problematic, or pointless.

Sure, I don't want to be the bitch who posted all that cringe shit on my Facebook 15 years ago... But I do admire her for the fact that at least she HAD something to say. And I know that I still have plenty to say, deep down, even if I will feel cringe for spilling it all to a bunch of strangers. After all, you don't know me, and I don't know you.

So at the end of the day, I can worry about what I say, or I can just say fuck it and say it anyway. Who knows? Maybe it'll help someone out there. Or maybe I'll make someone think differently about something. Or maybe it's nearly 4 AM and you're just hungry and bored like I am.

Regardless... I'm really rambling now, but my point is... Prepare for more random posts about seemingly unimportant shit~ xD But just know that, in ten years, I'll probably look back on it, like I sometimes do with my old posts, and I might cringe, but I'll also smile, and I'll laugh. Because it's nice to look back, and to remember "holy fuck, I was such a random weirdo... good to know that some things never change!" :3

And one last somewhat somber note on things that will never change... My love for my Yam - my cat, my furbaby, and my familiar. After nearly 19 years of life, over 17 of which were spent taking care of me, she passed away this past Thanksgiving. She passed at home, surrounded by love, and I was there with her until her last breath, assuring her that it was okay to go, and that we'd be okay... Adjusting to life without her, after a life blessed for so long with her, has been extremely difficult. I broke down. My heart was shattered. I couldn't eat. I had terrible anxiety and depression and honestly wasn't sure if I would be able to handle the pain.

But little by little, with the help of therapy and a support system that I'm incredibly lucky to have, I've regained my strength, and I'm able to look forward to the future again. I know that she's still with me, and I know that love never dies. Our bond hasn't been severed, it's merely transformed. And one day, I'll see her again. Momma loves you with all her heart Yam, and I miss you every single day. <3 And of course, daddy too. And everyone else in the world because dear GODS, you were the sweetest little girl in the world. :)

I don't know how exactly to wrap this up after getting so emotional. I'm usually full of witty banter and snappy remarks. But I guess that's just it, huh? We're all more three-dimensional than we probably give ourselves credit for. You might THINK it's three raccoons in a trench coat over here, but joke's on you! I'm a full-fledged person! x3

Well... most of the time. But for now, I have some trash I need to go scrounge through. So until next time, stay classy folks!

~ Squallet, out!

:: 2022 23 December :: 3.44am

I keep dreaming of us living in different places together.

I dream that you are all torn up, that you're broken and sad.

I hurt for you, with you. I do miss you.

"you once called me forever, now you still can't call me back"

:: 2022 26 November :: 1.35pm

https://youtu.be/iWG6apzIWAk

:: 2022 17 November :: 4.11pm

when every song puts me into your point of view

each tune is a tune i wish I could share with you

but you had to go fuck it all up

:: 2022 16 October :: 7.24pm

words are cheap.

anyone can say "I love you", but not many can show it

did you ever love me?

:: 2022 7 September :: 4.25pm
:: Mood: pensive

When destiny calls you
You must be strong (you gotta be strong)
I may not be with you
But you've got to hold on
They'll see in time
I know
We'll show them together

:: 2022 12 August :: 8.48am

things are good, real good

yet I can feel the sword of damacles hanging over me

:: 2022 25 July :: 10.23am

there has to be something wrong with me

:: 2022 9 June :: 6.27pm

having one of those may I please die now days

:: 2022 24 April :: 9.07am

major life changes I'm not ready for are my least favorite

but respecting myself is more important to me than being loved, shy of 7 years I had to let you go.

I love you, the feelings don't just disappear. being sons you make me feel like I used to, but at the same time everything we have gone through leaves a disgusting bitter taste in my mouth.

I believe in you. all I have ever wanted is to see you succeed and take the life you deserve. but I started enabling the bad habits with no recourse. no one is innocent in the situation.

not how I wanted to spend my birthday, 4/20, or our anniversary. and soon you'll be back in the tricities and I won't have the option of just driving down and seeing you.

why do things have to come to this every time..? four long term relationships crashing and burning. each one gets worse and worse. every time I come back stronger, but a piece of my heart also rots away.

I'm just ready for something to be easy

:: 2022 7 April :: 9.12am

I'm drowning in overwhelming sorrow

:: 2022 12 March :: 8.42am

listening to a mix tape my sister made her (now-ex) boyfriend but never gave him. it's literally my favorite ever. the songs flow so perfectly, each one is beautiful and meaningful.

I've never made anything so wonderful. I often wonder if maybe I really am a waste of paint.. I don't make beautiful things, I am not thoughtful, I am a selfish Lil worm.

but somehow I still have so many absolutely remarkable people in my life, who genuinely love me for who I am, even at my most crazy, even when I make the same mistakes over and over again.

i saw a friend I hadn't seen in over two years, we went to Frank's and had mimosas, smoked a bowl in the parking lot, and finished with a cigarette. we laughed the whole time, and we have so much in common. I've really missed seeing her, and after I felt this bliss and joy I hadnt felt in a long time.

I've lost myself a little, and I'm having a hard time getting back up to the path, if there was ever a path in the first place...

not sure where I'm even going anymore.

:: 2021 30 December :: 6.25am
:: Mood: lonely

I've got time for you, you make me wanna die without trying to...

cuz I need someone else who every night remembers I exist...

the only thing I can count on is you not coming through...

Still I taught her to breathe when you're low and you're deep underwater..

Stay faithful, remember what you love, so when the world gets painful you become your own god...

one day, they'll post all my mistakes.

:: 2021 22 December :: 5.03am

if I was BPII, this is what we would call a hypo manic phase. this is when I feel confident, positive, optimistic and motivated to accomplish simple tasks I normally wouldn't have the energy for (such as baking cookies).

but I don't make impulse decisions and I don't engage in risky behavior in this phase. I definitely can't sleep.

but God damn if I'm not a ray of sunshine for my customers.

and sometimes I get to talk to very interesting person. yesterday was a recovering drug addict/alcoholic who had been married 18 years.. it was cathartic talking to someone who truly understands the losses I've had in my life and being able to relate to the pain and loss with another random stranger.

it helps me keep perspective that I'm not the only one with problems, and everyone has their own hardships, and it doesn't coat you anything to just...

to just be kind to one another.

:: 2021 18 December :: 11.01am

why is se7en such a good movie