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softspoken

:: 2014 15 April :: 10.46pm

Another Beginning...
So... I have not written here in about 5 years. I went through and deleted my old stuff (I like to start fresh), so I figured I'd write a little back story for myself and whoever is reading this.

At the moment, I'm 24 years old. I'm a natural brunette with coffee eyes and a caffeine addiction. I live a few miles outside a small town in Indiana with my dad and my son, and my fiance lives about 8 miles north of here.

My son will be 3 in July; he's my life. Of all the things that make up who I am, he's the best thing. He's the perfect combination of his father, Zac, and me. He's got my cheekbones and smile, Zac's hair and multicolor eyes. He's the happiest, most well-tempered child I've ever know. He has his moments of terrible two's, but can erase every indiscretion with his adorableness (which he is well aware of).

I've been engaged to Zac for about 4 years. We were in the midst of saving to move in together when lil man showed up on the scene. So now, every month we put a little bit more back in that ol' coffee can to add to a down payment on a home. Its definitely tough, being parents and together while living separately, but it has strengthened our relationship beyond comprehension. He's the yin to my yang, as cliche as that is to say. We tend to balance each other out. He works full time as a truck loader for a small logistics company, which allows me to work part time during the winter to be home with our son.

I work at a large non-profit resale company as a book scanner and e-commerce associate part-time (usually only 1-2 days a week) during the winter, then I guess the plan this summer is to work 2 hours a week there, while I work full time for a local farm. I've been with this company for about 4 years on and off. I got pregnant within my first month there, took maternity leave the following summer, then quit the last 2 summers to work the farm because summers usually mean loss of hours because of falling sales due to it being garage sale and flea market season. This year the new store manager (we go through management like its going out of style) wants to keep me on with minimum hours so she doesn't have to have more rehires on her record since apparently that will make her look bad, though no other manager ever had a problem with it before.

I've been working at the farm for 5 years, selling produce on the side of the road at both a stand on a busy state road, and at the stand that is located on the farm. Every year, there's a little more work. In the beginning, I only worked from June to mid-September, then it was June to Halloween. Last year, I helped with the pack sales in the spring in addition to the summer and fall produce sales, then this year I've been helping with seeding so far. This week will actually be my first week of the year doing sales.

Its been tricky these last couple months with working and everything, because my mother has been in the hospital. At the beginning of February, she fell ill. She finally broke down and asked me to take her to the emergency room (she didn't have insurance, so she had been putting it off). A few hours later, I got the call that they were transferring her to an hospital in Indianapolis because they had found an aneurysm in her abdomen. It was a miracle that it hadn't burst yet. She had her repair surgery about a month later, but has been struggling with kidney issues since then. We're hoping that she'll be moved into a rehab closer to home by next week, but the doctors have been saying that for a few weeks now, so who knows. She's typically the one who takes care of JD while I work, so Zac has been having to pick up the slack, watching JD during the day while working at night, and slipping in a few hours of sleep in between, which gets kind of tricky when he's working ten hours (9:30 pm-7:30am), and I'm working 9-5. But God bless him, he does everything he can. I'm not sure how I wound up with such a wonderful man, but I thank God every day that he brought him into my life. <3

Well, I think thats a good enough back story on myself to explain most things that I will probably write about on here now. Anything else, I should be able to explain as a write. I'm doubtful anyone will be reading this, especially anyone I know, but feel free to comment.

cmnt.


theedgeofyouratmosphere

:: 2012 25 September :: 10.32am
:: Mood: angry

just want to bash my face off a glass table x4,567 times.
Just want it to stop, just want it to be alright. want to stop this.
that black tide is driving me nuts.

cmnt.


lisa3019

:: 2012 29 July :: 3.37am

Here is a link to my more modern, grown-up life:

http://meehan0125.tumblr.com

cmnt.


theedgeofyouratmosphere

:: 2012 16 July :: 8.13pm
:: Mood: okay

I haven't been on here in forever, forever is a long time so I don't think it has been that long.. but it sure does feel like a good bit of time.
I totally forget all the codes for this, and for anything on the internet in that matter. I am here to update on my life, to get things out.. and possibly re-connect or make new friend<3

I am a mother of 2 little girls who depend on me in this shitty world I'm doing the best I can, all though some days it can be a little stressful, they always reassure me of how much love they can give. I haven't had it easy, Left my ex after a love-hate relationship of 4 yrs for somebody new, I felt like a wet puppy sitting along side the dark sidewalks as the world acted as the street lights in the dark. I Really didn't know if I could make that step of leaving.. It just wasn't right, not working out.. I was tired of the mess I always had to clean up.. But I did get a beautiful little girl out of such a terrible time. I obviously met someone new, we spent 2 years together before saying I do .. I love him and everything he does for this family. And I got another blessing, another little girl. It's been 3 years of happiness, but of course as I wander if it's normal too think of the past and be thankful for where I am today? even if I miss or I should say reminisce on everything I have endured. I sometimes often wonder how things could have been, what would have happened... I snap out of that funk as soon as a bad memory comes about and some days I will sit by myself, asking.. do I deserve what I have even if I have, or questioned? but like I said, I got 2 beautiful girls. :)
I battle with mental illness so everyday is a struggle. but they keep me going, even when I want to give up.
Right now I'm 23, its crazy realizing I've had this account since high school if not middle school? my old best friend actually introduced me, glad she did but sorry that I have not kept up.. A lot has happened.. like any ones life.. but I have lost a good amount of friends. Some for good reasons and others I have no idea? maybe it was best that way.. or it comes with age. I literally talk to probably 6 people and most live in my house lol.. I've grown up a lot too, but I'm still not a homeowner ;)

cmnt.


Im-Sorry
[ godessalthena ]

:: 2012 3 March :: 2.40am

I'm sorry I couldn't be everything I was meant to be.

I'm sorry I am myself.

I'm so sorry I fuck everything up.

cmnt.


sheerxlove

:: 2011 16 December :: 10.31pm

Image hosting by Photobucket

1 cmnts. | cmnt.


kellielynn

:: 2011 17 October :: 3.10am
:: Mood: pissed off

Dear Rachel, moose, and Tom,
The world may have well as ended.

cmnt.


kellielynn

:: 2011 14 October :: 11.01am

I think I was cheated on.

cmnt.


kellielynn

:: 2011 23 August :: 10.40am

Not sure what kind of mood I was in two slots ago but I'm having memories flood back like CRAZY lately. I miss him. He's single- and back in alpena. Lucky me.
I've been really crappy and reclusive this month and it's so weird...
I care. But in a different way now-

Still nothing from Meg still. Shes been gone 2.5 weeks and texted me saying she'd call and i haven't even gotten so much as a hello the whole time. So when my sister and I are disconnected, I am disconnected from the world.

cmnt.


kellielynn

:: 2011 8 August :: 4.44am

What happens when the one person you count on most in this world let's you down.

cmnt.


kellielynn

:: 2011 20 July :: 12.31am

Ok. Still not packing anymore for n.c. However I've gotten to the point where I'm not crying about the dirtbag anymore. I'm pissy, annoyed, and kinda sad still but it's kind of whatev now. Going nowhere. He's got a new girl- now to find me a new guy...

cmnt.


kellielynn

:: 2011 11 July :: 2.33pm
:: Mood: Just sad

Just another disappointing day. After these past few weeks of excellence having Jen and Scott, Steph and John, and Rach things have been so nice. The fireworks, bonfires, going to the beach, I had yet to start thinking about N.C.
This morning, I drove to town for boxes in which I returned home to fill them. I started with photo frames, looking, reminiscing, crying. I texted Meg this and her response was polar opposite of what I expected.
Basically, I quit my job for no reason, told everyone I was leaving, was starting to get excited to be with my sister away from this drama filled town- all for... Nothing.

If I'm not ready for school, quit shoving it in my face. Who's to say when I will be? ME. Don't keep saying 'come live with me' if you don't want to accept me for me. You're supposed to be my best friend. Not the wall I'm supposed to climb.


Today has taken a shitty twist. Especially when I woke up after an awful dream, trying to keep a good mindset by this:

'U can spend minutes hours days weeks or even months over-analyzing a situation : trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could've, would've happened - or u could just leave the pieces on the floor and move on' -Tupac

cmnt.


kellielynn

:: 2011 11 July :: 11.25am
:: Mood: crappy

I'm still so sad here. Not here, but where Mousseau and I stand.. I can't seem to accept the fact that it won't work. He still visits my dreams, I see him almost every weekend, not by choice. I don't fail to admit I'm running from him. Running from what I thought was a perfect love story. I just want to be wrapped in his arms. I feel infatuated. Want it to go away so I don't have to be sad kel anymore :(

cmnt.


kellielynn

:: 2011 21 June :: 1.11am
:: Mood: pleased

Fuck fuck Fuck
Fuck you, Chris Mousseau. Fuck you with a big fat punch in the face for making me feel this way!!! I wish I could hate you with every cell in my body but that's impossible for some reason. Fuck you for the things you said, for the shitty ways of breaking my heart not once but TWICE. Fuck. You.
Fuck you for meeting other girls and adding them on fb and saying you miss them just like you used to miss me. Fuck you!!!!!
!!!!!!

cmnt.


kellielynn

:: 2011 20 June :: 4.43am
:: Mood: lonely

Restless
Things are still hard. You're still on my mind. It drives me crazy. You, drive me crazy. I just want to feel normal. Waking up last night you were the first thing I saw. Across the room, which was my first problem in itself. My knees gets weak, the butterflies start fluttering, organs have dropped to the floor. I freeze up and think of everything I want to say, only for it to come out silent and unheard. I never thought a breakup could be this bad. I miss you so so much still, everyday you're on my mind. I miss your voice, the feel of your skin, your laugh, your face. I just miss you, so much. So so much...

cmnt.


kellielynn

:: 2011 22 May :: 11.31pm
:: Mood: distressed
:: Music: Ingrid Michaelson

Oh no,
I just can't seem to get it together and things are getting worse. Worse in a sense that I'm back on bad things because it's easier to get high then to accept reality. It's easier to sit here and cry or walk on the beach with my headphones blaring and cry. It's easier to be sad than happy.
And I keep telling everyone I'm okay I'm okay I'm okay like maybe I'll start believing it and it's so hard to convince others when you can't even convince yourself, but who really wants to hear that I feel broken and lost and so damn alone when they ask how I am?? It's like I'm falling apart again and I hate being so helpless but I keep thinking really horrendous thoughts when I'm driving or when I'm walking on the beach but I just want to be alone, all alone with nobody to talk to just so I can cry and grovel in misery.
I was clean for almost a year. I made it almost a year. A year. A fucking year!!!!! We'll see where it goes from here.

So this is what a heartbreak is...

1 cmnts. | cmnt.


kellielynn

:: 2011 17 May :: 2.46am

Today, I realized how angry of a person I am.

cmnt.


kellielynn

:: 2011 16 May :: 1.03pm

:(
Woke up after an amazing dream and I'm in a bad mood because it was just that. A dream.

cmnt.


kellielynn

:: 2011 16 May :: 3.41am
:: Music: Mean - Taylor Swift

It's those things you hate about yourself that someday someone would love about you.
I don't understand why I'm getting calls, just to say hello or goodnight. I'm finding myself overanalyzing this stupid situation over and over and getting nowhere. I love the sound of his voice, it makes me all warm and cozy. And the cute birthday voicemail I got last night from him. Why must we play games? I'm over this stage in my life; we're adults and he needs to grow up and figure his shit out. It's not like I'm putting forth much effort to stop this so-called 'friendship'. I just want life to be RIGHT again. Right.

cmnt.


kellielynn

:: 2011 16 May :: 2.43am
:: Mood: Hurt :(

Let's update.
1. I am sore.
2. I have a bruised eye, a scraped knee, a knot on my spine, a lump on my boob, and I can't really move.
3. Going along with #1 and 2, when I poke my body it feels bruised.
4. Everywhere

5. Don't remember hardly anything about my 22nd. Rach had the best surprise ever- we were getting ready and Jen and Scott walked in with Bridgette, Jill, and Tony!!!
6. It was THE shit.
7. I got very intoxicated.
8. Hence I don't really remember much of the night.
9. The stories are funny though, got kicked out of Sneaks like 4 times... Kim tackled me in the parking lot. And punched Helwig in the face.

10. FABULOUS night. :)

11. Moose :(
12. :(
13. :(

That's all I got. :(

cmnt.


kellielynn

:: 2011 14 May :: 2.40am

Regret nothing regret nothing regret nothing. I don't regret anything. Even being on probation. But I regret Mousseaus decision, oh so much. :( it's so loud inside my head. WTF. That's on my mind. WTF. WTF Mousseau ;( damn heartache is what you cause me. :( sad kel. Single kel, sad single kel, single single, how I despise being single. Hate it. Hate it so much I could scream. Single. I am SINGLE.

Bull :(

cmnt.


kellielynn

:: 2011 14 May :: 2.33am

So I'm a little tipsy and I'm sad. I could scream my guts out right now. I'm just so sad :( soooo drunkenly sad :( it's my birthday. Sad kel :( sad sad sad :(

cmnt.


kellielynn

:: 2011 13 May :: 10.21am
:: Music: Words I never said- lupe fiasco ft skylar grey

Oh kel :(
So I am definitely sure about my insomnia returning being due to Moose. Isn't this ridiculous? I've woken up every morning for the past two weeks around 6 or 7, then I'll doze on and off until 10. I was cured... I had been sleeping like a baby and now I'm stressed and confused and lost. Again. And I gave my melatonin to Shawna. Basically, I'm pissy because I got dumped unwillingly.

I can't even stress how awful I feel and how badly this sucks. I've been lying here for two hours. :(

cmnt.


kellielynn

:: 2011 12 May :: 11.45pm
:: Mood: Still bummed
:: Music: Mean- Taylor Swift

You can't just go around hurting people like that.
Another day gone. I honestly hate this single bullshit. I'm pissed and bummed and annoyed and hurt and all of these emotions rolled into one heaping, weeping mess of a girl. I was NEVER one to let a guy get me so far down. I just feel like I wasted my time. And that sounds so horrible because I wouldn't change a single second of time I spent with him. He is a treasure.
But I am also a treasure. I'm so content with who I am it scares me. I know I'm fun and nice and beautiful and it just doesn't even matter. Obviously everyones perception of me is whack, because I keep hearing these things over and over and I can't help but wonder why the ONLY one I want to care enough doesn't, why I keep giving these people my all and I just get tore down in the end. I just think he took the easy way out. Life isn't easy, there's no help button you click, there's no magic advice ball to use. Life is complicated and horrendous and you get OVER these hurdles and they make you stronger to accomplish the things in life that you are fated to do.
And I know, I know, that I need to take my own damn advice but never have I ever felt this way. That instant connection that I felt, the connection that when I'd be in a piss poor mood and someone would say Moose, I'd feel FABULOUS.
Regardless, I will be strong and stop breaking down. I am kel. Somehow I always bounce back...

cmnt.


kellielynn

:: 2011 11 May :: 9.23am
:: Mood: sad
:: Music: Story of Us- Taylor Swift

Another heartbreak for Kel
The greatest irony of life is loving the right person at the wrong time, having the wrong person when the time is right and finding out you love someone after that person walks out from your life and sometimes you think you're already over a person but when you see them smile at you, you'll suddenly realize that you're just pretending to be over them just to ease the pain of knowing that they will never be yours again. For some, they think that letting go is one way of expressing how much you love the person. Most relationships tend to fail not because the absence of love; love is always present. It's just the one was being loved too much and the other was being loved too little as we all know that the heart is the center of the body but it beats on the left. Maybe that's the reason why the heart is not always right. Most often we fall in love with the person we think we love only to discover that for them, we are just for past times, while the one who truly loves us remains either a friend or a stranger.
Here's a piece of advice: let go when you're hurting too much, give up when love isn't enough and move on when things are not like before. There is someone out there who will love you even more, surely then, you will know true love.

2 cmnts. | cmnt.

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