xxxxxxxxxx - Woohu.com http://www.woohu.com/~xxxxxxxxxx Woohu / Woohu.com http://www.woohu.com/readcomment.php?id=612254 I can't seem to get away. I have been trying and trying, trying so goddamn hard to get away from the truth that I fear. I don't want to go to the doctor, I don't want to talk to a psychiatrist again. Last time I did that I got medication that only helped for a month or two. I don't think depression is my problem, and it's scary. I don't want to know what it is that I've got, because I fear what I have. I have for years. Since everything has happened, and all of these things I notice, I just.. I am scared of myself. I really am. I don't know what will happen if I let it go again. I don't want to know. I'm trying to get the nerve to go in, and not for me. Definitely not for me, because if it were up to me I'd let it go until it got too bad. I want to do this because I don't want my relationships to get any more strained, and hard to keep together. It's become hard for me to keep them going. Even with my family. But the one's I care about most right now are Alicia and Shane. My family will always be there to a point, and that is good enough support for me. My god, I feel so selfish. I've done this over and over again. Something has to work. -- I saw the world turning in my sheets, and once again I cannot sleep. Walk out the door and up the street; look at the stars beneath my feet. Remember rights that I did wrong, so here I go.. Hello, hello. There is no place I cannot go. -- My mind is muddy, but my heart is heavy. Does it show? I lose the track that loses me, so here I go. And so I sent some men to fight, and one came back at dead of night. Said he'd seen my enemy. Said he looked just like me, So I set out to cut myself and here I go.. -- And maybe someday we will meet, And maybe talk and not just speak. Don't buy the promises because there are no promises I keep. And my reflection troubles me, so here I go. -- I'm not calling for a second chance, I'm screaming at the top of my voice. Give me reason, but don't give me choice. Because I'll just make the same mistake again. -- http://www.woohu.com/readcomment.php?id=612254 Thu, 20 Nov 2008 17:56:39 EST http://www.woohu.com/readcomment.php?id=612181 I cannot believe it. Still. To this day. I cannot believe that I'm comfortable enough to call my dad. So much has changed. I never thought.. No. I really never thought that I would see him. It got to the point that I just.. I didn't see it happening. Maybe once, maybe in the future, but it just seemed so neverending. I thought of him every single day, and it killed me. Now it kills me to walk away, get in my car, and drive the 50 miles back home. It's not far, but to me it seems like a million miles. That infinite amount of miles that had always been between us. I can't begin to explain myself, just as he can't. We just stand there, stare like we know eachother from somewhere, but can't pin point where we met. It's not awkward. I just don't know who he is. We hugged when I left on Friday night. I had work the next morning. I felt the tears come up, but they went away. We stood in the drive for about 5 minutes with our arms around eachother. Felt like a lifetime. I just closed my eyes, and traced my memories for another memory similar to the one being made. I can't tell anyone, even myself, how I feel right now. I couldn't tell you if it's good or bad. And really, it has absolutely nothing to do with my dad. I just.. felt like writing about him, because.. well, I can now. Maybe it just spurred a few thoughts, and all of a sudden I felt like typing about him because I guess, well, I feel like I can. We can't make up for all of the lost time, and there's no sense in trying. Sure, I'll talk about my past and he'll talk about some of his. I don't mind. I don't care what he talks about as long as I hear his voice. I was so scared to call him the first time. It's strange, but I was terrified that I'd forgotten what his voice sounded like. Now I can remember. It's gotten so much easier. I just can't believe I am where I'm at. I have a wonderful boyfriend, I have an amazing best friend, I have everything that I truly want. I'm not entirely content with myself, but I'm working on it. Really hard, actually. Everything is completely different from last year, and the year before that. I'm in college and I hate it, but that's okay. I'll likely live. I want to be a dental hygienist, because I feel like I'll be good at nit-picking through people's teeth. Not really sure if it's what I'll love to do, but I always have my hobbies. And of course, I'll eventually be able to afford a new camera with the paycheck. I can't wait for Shane to come back home. I miss him being around. My house isn't enjoyable anymore, and I can't handle it. I just wish it were. I wish things would go back to normal in my head, but they don't seem to want to. I'll sleep on it again. Maybe things will rearrange. But hey, I've been hoping that for a few years now. It could be that my sister is living with my mom and I. I love her and my nephew to death. It's just stressful. Have to get away every once in a while, then it's okay. And it really could be that my only brother is facing a minimum of 7 years in prison. Why do things have to happen this way? I never understood why things play out the way the do, and I guess I just dismissed it after it didn't matter anymore. It must be the best, right? Just have to keep telling myself that, and keep on sleeping on it. I'll learn to appreciate the way life plays out, and to reason out with myself when I think it's wrong. http://www.woohu.com/readcomment.php?id=612181 Sun, 16 Nov 2008 22:42:22 EST http://www.woohu.com/readcomment.php?id=611223 So, I got a tattoo last night. Cool experience, actually. The artist was really nice. It's not what I really wanted in general, but he drew it out for me, and I thought it was neat. It's growing on me, and I think I'm going to add onto it anyways. Tell me what you think.. honestly!! Anyways, life's been pretty boring as of lately. Just working the arby's, and.. uhm, hanging out with Shane. That's basically it. Cannot wait to go out and do something different for a change. aghh. well, I smell like stale curly fries and week-old roast beef, so I'm gonna.. well, i'm sure you know the drill. http://www.woohu.com/readcomment.php?id=611223 Tue, 30 Sep 2008 14:36:39 EDT http://www.woohu.com/readcomment.php?id=611145 So, I hate this. Well, my one college class I decided to start out with. It blows, fer real. It reminds me wayyyy too much of high school, and that was a major fear of mine when going into college. Oh well, if I wanna make something of myself, which I do, then I'll have to suffer. Plus, the 3-5 year waiting list to get into the nursing program.. ugh, fuck me. but hey, I guess I can just work, make some money. doesn't sound TOO bad. Man, I have been in the worst moods lately. Don't know what it is. I haven't been taking my meds like I usually do.. so I dunno. That could be why I feel like ripping everyone to shreds. I'm not usually that bad with this stuff, but dang. I need to calm down, or take a tranquilizer. geesh. I took about 5 days off from work the first week of October, though. I'm super-excited. I'm going to Holland, staying with my dad. (damn, it feels good to say that) Maybe go to dinner, shop a little bit with Leesh. I dunno, I'm just gonna relax and do whatever I feel like. Besides sleep, 'cause that's all I feel like doing lately. Maybe I'm getting sick, who knows? Anyways, I'm goin' out to Honeycreek to see my mom, then to meijer's to buy oil for my car that burns it in about 2 days, annnnd then maybeee.. a movie or somethin'? I'll update this thing more. I actually missed spewing life's events onto it. I feel better already. http://www.woohu.com/readcomment.php?id=611145 Fri, 26 Sep 2008 18:14:07 EDT http://www.woohu.com/readcomment.php?id=609468 Well, I don't really feel like actually updating, buuuut, I'll add some pictures and write some captions for them to give a little bit of an update of some sort.. ..here goes nothin' I got a new car! well, new to me. I finally can drive around anytime I feel like it. :P mostly to work, but hey, it makes me look good, haha. Haha, Leesh and I downtown Saugatuck. We were being goofs that day, Shane was behind the cam on this one. :P Now Leesh's work behind the cam. :D She does good. haha, we were trying to be serious. I thought it was cute. A while ago Leesh and I went to Denny's.. I have about 8 different shots of her doing this, hahah. She's adorable. :D The Hillary trademark. Foot in Face. haha, this was last night. I kept bugging him nonstop. :P we always have a good time doing absolutely nothing. My mom snapped this of us today. I call it the squish-face. Last but not least, my nephew, Brayden. One of the cutest babies ever. :) here's proof: There ya go. A little picture update for everyone who reads this thing. The foot one is for you, Leesh. :D hahah. http://www.woohu.com/readcomment.php?id=609468 Fri, 04 Jul 2008 23:26:19 EDT http://www.woohu.com/readcomment.php?id=609161 I friggin' love being out of high school, and summer, and Alicia and Thad, and Shane, andddd drinking water after pilates, and having a car :D I'm tired though, annnnd I really wanna hang with alicia again. Oh hey, JOEY + flying to michigan NOW = :D I wish. http://www.woohu.com/readcomment.php?id=609161 Sat, 21 Jun 2008 00:14:01 EDT http://www.woohu.com/readcomment.php?id=607203 HAPPY BIRTHDAY LEESH!!!! :D Yayyyy!! 18!! Enjoy your cig cake today. :D http://www.woohu.com/readcomment.php?id=607203 Sat, 12 Apr 2008 16:26:10 EDT http://www.woohu.com/readcomment.php?id=607192 Well, Leesh wanted me to update and I DID tell her I would do it today, sooo here goes nothin'. By the way, this song is really good and catchy, but the guy who sings it is fugly. Thought I'd share that. I like it, but I can't look at him when I listen to it. :P I spent the last few days with Leesh, and it was a-MAZING. I missed her a lot, and we definitely needed to hang out. I went to my dad's for a night too, and it was really good to see him again. I'm hoping he and Jan come to my graduation ceremony, but I can understand why if they don't. Annnnyways, Leesh and I basically did everything we could do under the sun possibly, hahah. We have way too much fun together. :D I saw Chris after not seeing him for over a month. It was awesome. :) He bought me a pretty necklace and earrings down in Florida. He's so nice to me. I swear, he'd give me the world if he could wrap his hands around it. I love them both oh-so-much.. god, I wish I lived closer. :( I might be getting a Honda soon. It's supposedly a 4 door sedan, not sure on the color or year, but I don't even care as long as it gets me places I want to be. It's 1,500 bucks, buuuut the guy's gonna let me make some sort of payments on it, I guess. Whatev, as long as I get it. :) ..hopefully the price of gas goes down soon, too. Definitely before I start driving around, at least. >:( So, I'm checking out. I have senioritis setting in about now. I will never ever ever go back to that dreadful building again!! yucky. Except for, you know, the neccesities and that crap. Like the grad tickets, blah blah. But yay!! Only about 20-some days when I get back from Spring Break. No more High School for meeeEEee!! yayayay! So, who's coming to my grad party? PS: Leesh, I love you x's a million. :D I'm gonna see if I can get out early on Sunday to come ovaaa. :) My scheduling manager wasn't in today though, so tomorrow I'll know. http://www.woohu.com/readcomment.php?id=607192 Fri, 11 Apr 2008 18:29:26 EDT http://www.woohu.com/readcomment.php?id=606550 Step out the front door like a ghost into the fog where no one notices the contrast of white on white. And in between the moon and you, the angels get a better view of the crumbling difference between wrong and right. I walk in the air, between the rain, through myself and back again - where? ..I don't know. Maria says she's dying, through the door I hear her crying - why? I don't know.. 'Round here, we always stand up straight. 'Round here, something radiates.. Maria came from Nashville with a suitcase in her hand - she said she'd like to meet a boy who looks like Elvis. She walks along the edge of where the ocean meets the land, just like she's walking on a wire in the circus. She parks her car outside of my house and takes her clothes off, says She's close to understanding Jesus. She knows she's more than just a little misunderstood, she has trouble acting normal when she's nervous. 'Round here we're carving out our names.. 'Round here we all look the same 'Round here we talk just like lions, but we sacrifice like lambs. 'Round here she's slipping through my hands. - - - - She says "It's only in my head." She says "Shhh...I know it's only in my head." But the girl on the car in the parking lot says, "man, you should try to take a shot. Can't you see my walls are crumbling?" Then she looks up at the building, and says she's thinking of jumping. She says she's tired of life, she must be tired of something... - - - - Gosh, I love music like that. That you can just relate to in so many ways, but don't even understand why.. http://www.woohu.com/readcomment.php?id=606550 Fri, 14 Mar 2008 00:01:36 EDT http://www.woohu.com/readcomment.php?id=606496 One of the best songs of the 90's. :D Thought you'd all enjoy a trip back. http://www.woohu.com/readcomment.php?id=606496 Tue, 11 Mar 2008 22:55:51 EDT http://www.woohu.com/readcomment.php?id=606454 Here I am. Eating Life cereal. I love cereal. I went to Holland for the last few days, and just got back last night. Ohhh man, did Leesh and I have fun. :) haha, we love to shop, lemme tell ya, especially at TJmaxx. And we even got some pictures in before we passed out on the floor, haha. Ohh well, we'll get some more later. We sat at Panera Bread eavesdropping, too, which was hilarious. "Asia, Burma!! DUNG!" ohhh man, ahaha. I did spend a lotta money, but I don't care anymore! It was amazing and so worth it. Plus, Leesh and I now have the same jeans! :P Chris took me out for dinner at 84East, and I had this really good alfredo, but I only finished like.. the top layer and got full (there was a ton).. then Chris ate that too, haha. After that we went and got some coldstone. It was realllllly good. :) He's good to me :) Good weekends put me in such a good mood. I love feeling like this. Especially when the sun is shining, too. It feels really warm instead of blistering cold, like usual. I really hope Spring is coming soon, no more snow storm crap, and no more cold weather. I can't stand it anymore! I want to walk around in t-shirts and stuff, c'mon! Anyways, I really need a shower. http://www.woohu.com/readcomment.php?id=606454 Mon, 10 Mar 2008 11:23:12 EDT http://www.woohu.com/readcomment.php?id=606339 I am sooo excited. I'm going to Holland tomorrow and staying with Aliciaaa. We're gonna have so much fun, I don't even know if I can handle it!! ahh, all the pictures and makeup, and shopping and every other girly thing you can imagine that we'd do. :D I also am very excited to find out I get out of school completely by the 15th of May. Ohh my gosh. How amazzzzing!! everyone - you're coming to my open house and eating food and cake. I like cake a lot, so it'll be there. Lots of it, too. :D well, hopefully. Well, I'm just sittin' here talking to Christopher and we're chatting about how he's never read my woohu, haha. well, I just gave him the link so I'm sure he is now. :P I love that boy. Years will come, years will go, Kingdoms rise and fall - The time has come to take control.. The world belongs to us. http://www.woohu.com/readcomment.php?id=606339 Wed, 05 Mar 2008 19:08:26 EST http://www.woohu.com/readcomment.php?id=606244 So just got out of the shower. I smell lots better now. I think I'm going bowling tonight with Kristi and Josh. Sounds like fun to me :) I'm glad, 'cause I really wanna get out of the house like crazy and hang out with friends. I think I need it. But hey, everyone does once in awhile. I've been thinking a lot lately, and honestly, I think I might have to wait to go to college for a little bit. I mean, I thought I was going to get a ton more from my FAFSA form, but I didn't at all. I only got about 4 grand that I DON'T have to pay back, and it's a little over 15 grand tuition. I hope my dad went to see if the VA coudl help out, he thinks I'll have the same benefits as he does - which means it would be fully comped. God, that would be so amazing. I mean, I basically have no income and my mom.. yeah, she doesn't much either. So, really, I don't know what I'll do going to school full-time and balancing work, and agggh. It's something I gotta deal with soon, though. I just want to graduate and not think about high school anymore. I'm so done with the crap. Anyyways, well, I might have a car soon. It's the one that's been sitting here in the yard for 3 years. The landlord says it needs a battery, and a checkup (we don't know what's wrong with it at all) and then I can have it for 400 dollars, which seems like a really good deal to me. I need a dependable nice one, and it seems like it sooo it's all good. It's a blue Grand Am, nothing special, but it'll run sooner than later. :D Well, I'm gonna go blowdry my hair and all that junk. Yep. Good god, Brutis just farted and it reaks so bad in here. I think I'm going to hurl all over the place. Nasty animal. http://www.woohu.com/readcomment.php?id=606244 Sat, 01 Mar 2008 17:58:58 EST http://www.woohu.com/readcomment.php?id=606135 I smell like dirty fryers, and I thought I'd let everyone know. I accidently touched my arm with a fry vat at work tonight. I didn't even know I had to work until Steph called me. Thank god she did, that'd of been twice on a Monday that I didn't come in 'cause I didn't know. Ohhh well. 'Least it worked out. Well, the roads are pretty icy. Maybe we'll have a 2 hour delay tomorrow. That would be sooo nice, I'd love some extra sleep.. or to just sleep in longer than 7 again. Buut uh, Rockford's Rockford. *sigh* I asked for the weekend after this one off, so maybe I'll go to Holland and stay with Leesh or my dad. I dunno, I'm hoping he's feeling okay by then so I can at least stop by. I think I'll stay with Leesh though, just because it'll probably work out better. We need that girly time, with no obligations, no interruptions, and time to just.. do whatever the heck we feel like. Then I can bring the camera along, 'cause Jim will let me borrow it. Ohh yay. That sounds absolutely amazing right about now - what do ya think, Leesh? :) I'm feeling like that would make me feel a whole lot more alive at this point in time. I feel like the past week or so I've just been dragging on and on through school, work, and basically everything I do. It sucks, I really hate the feeling, but I can't help it. I think it's 'cause I need my medication again, either that or I was so used to it. I haven't gotten it filled for 2 weeks. Oh well, no big deal. Anyways, Ooh, I also got my v-day present from Chris last weekend (since I didn't see him on V-day.. nor anytime since then) He got me some silver earrings, kissing dog stuffed animals, and a little jewelry box. They're cute. :) I was excited. I got him a sketch book and some new sketch pens, which I personally wanted, buuut I'll go get one for myself. :) I need new pens anyway. God, I need to DRAW or something. That's what I need. Maybe that will bring me out of my slump. Gotta channel it all into a beautiful piece of art. Mmhm, sounds good. Leesh - you, me, photoshop, camera, pencils, pens, props, etc. http://www.woohu.com/readcomment.php?id=606135 Mon, 25 Feb 2008 21:38:41 EST http://www.woohu.com/readcomment.php?id=605940 Sooo, I'm in the process of convincing my mom to let me buy an iguana. Kinda funny, haha. I knew she wouldn't want me to, but the thing is that I'd pay for it all. :D I dunno, I'm still bribing her on it. I found a good deal on craig's list. This lady lives in GR, and is selling her 4 month old iguana and everything that she has for her for 60 bucks. Good deal, I think. Anyway, I guess I have to work tonight? I didn't think I had to, but oh well. It's something to do - and I get paid to do it. Which is alwayys good. I get paid this wednesday again. I don't think my check will be very good though, 'cause I didn't work at all last weekend and I got sent home early both days this weekend. :/ Oh well. as long as I get 100, I'll be content. My mom and I have a haircut appointment tomorrow, which I'm hoping to god works out. Curse the weather!! I think I'm really gonna cut off all of my dead hair, from bleaching out the purple. :( I'm getting a longer version of a bob haircut, I think. Then I want some purple added in there again, which totally defeats the purpose of what I went through to get it taken out - but hey, what can I say? I miss having my purple. :) Plus, I think I need new sexy hair, haha. Anyyyway. I guess I'm gonna go. I need to take a shower, and all that fun stuff. http://www.woohu.com/readcomment.php?id=605940 Mon, 18 Feb 2008 13:29:29 EST