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Angel_Bob (profile) wrote,
on 7-21-2003 at 1:14am
Current mood: refreshed
Music: Cloe from Arjuna...again
Subject: Saving friend at a time
You guys saved my life last week.

Have you ever cried with a straight face? Just crying and not feeling any sadness or remorse for why you're crying?

I was being extremely hormonal last week some time...I dun remember the day...ask Ray if it's that important to you.

Anyway, I was talking on the phone with Ray and I was having 'Rachel is a horrible person' moments followed closely by 'just make it all go away' moments. I made some remark about how I didn't care if Ray and I stayed together or not. He was quiet for a while then asked me if I really meant it. I was being bitchy and very hormonal and so of course I said, "Yes. I don't care about anything right now." Because it was true and I didn't. Ray started to cry which, as he frequently reminds me, is one or two tears. And which I frequently remind myself is always my fault.

So then I stoically began to cry and franticly look around the room for something sharp and dangerously wrist cutting.

Needless to say, I didn't get very far because: 1. There aren't any sharp things in my room and I didn't want to break something and make a mess for someone. 2. Ray said he was coming over (it was 11 by now) and 3. He pulled a guilt jerk.

He said, "Rachel, please don't. I need you” Y’all know how much I love helping people and you also should know how much he needs me. Just taking a look at his left arm will tell you that.

He kept going saying how everyone'd feel without me. Mentioning my family didn't help but when he mentioned you guys...then reminded me ever so gently that he needed me...

So I stopped. I apologized, crying harder, about saying I didn't care. I also told him that I wanted him to take some medicine I had under my bed in case I got all suicidal again.

So today he took it home with him.

Last night, I felt wrong. Everything about me, everything about where I was felt wrong. I don't know why but I think I did something my conscience didn't like.

Anyway, thanks you guys for helping me. Even if you didn't know it. Expect a poem sometime soon.

I love you all very much and I hope my Kittie Katie becomes undepressed very soon.
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