friends | profile | guestbook


Il n'y a pas de crainte dans l'amour

recent entries | past entries


:: 2011 24 January :: 9.01 pm

I keep getting asked what married life is like or how married life is going as if I underwent some magical transformation at 5pm on October 23 and I woke up as a new species, a new life form, on October 24: Wife.

My response is always: it's exactly the same, nothing has changed.

And in a way, that's true. But really I only respond that way because I don't know how else to answer and I don't think people are really expecting an answer beyond "fantastic" or "wonderful." So I answer the same way every time I'm asked.

It's exactly the same. Nothing's changed.

And really, the day to day stuff has not changed at all. That comes with territory though and has nothing to do with marriage or our marriage. When you date someone for 6.5 years and live with them for 3.5, there's not much that changes once you put a title on the relationship.

However I'm still lying when I say nothing has changed. I have changed. Nick has changed. My name has changed.


My name has changed. I didn't think this would be such a big deal to me and I still don't feel it is that much of a big to-do but I do feel the change intimately. I never was really in the feminist/non-name changing camp as I always felt that changing your name was a part of the marriage just like middle school follows elementary school. It is what you do. So I did it because that's what you do. And despite changing my name on Facebook almost immediately (peer pressure is a thing, children) I procrastinated and didn't process the legal name change until January. And now this is who I am. I am not a Greggs, I am a Hazen. My voicemail still says Greggs, at work I am still Greggs but in the eyes of the government of the United States of America and the state of Michigan, I am a Hazen. Who I am as a person and who I identify myself as has changed.

I always thought names were strange. Nick's name isn't Nick, it's Nicholas but to everyone and to himself, he is Nick. Oliver and I were talking about this the other day in relation to celebrities. He was wondering if celebrities' spouses call them their birth name or their stage name. He used Fergie as an example. Is she Fergie at home? To her husband? To her friends? Is she Fergie to her parents?

Now I'm not the person I was for 23 years of my life. I'm someone new, someone different, someone married. I have to learn to respond to a new name, a new title. I'm a wife, I'm married, I'm a Hazen, I'm a Mrs. It's all so very strange that I don't know how I'll get used to it. I'm sure that 23 years from now, I won't be able to imagine it being any different.


I always knew that Nick and I were together for the long haul and we were in this forever, even before we got married. We were good kids and we talked about marriage for quite some time. We talked about getting married like it was some great accomplishment far off and far away from us. Being married was something that happened to other people. We would get there someday but it wasn't today and it wasn't tomorrow. Then suddenly it was tomorrow and then just as suddenly it was today. And then just as quickly it was yesterday and a month ago and two months ago and yesterday it was three months ago and I didn't even notice. We passed this great threshold, this life defining moment, this milestone, this sacrament and it was just a day. Now we're here and it's exactly the same.

But it's not.

I don't know how to describe this feeling to people who aren't married and that's why I haven't been trying. I'm married. I have someone who will always have my back. I have someone who is always on my mind, who is the most important person in my life and someone who is my best friend. All these things were true even before we signed a piece of paper and said those vows but now it's different. Now I have someone with me for the rest of my life. I have someone who will always be there and someone I know I can always turn to for help. I have someone who I can call my husband. I have someone I'm legally bound to and who is bound to me. I have someone who loved me enough to spend all that money on one day to celebrate being us. Together. Finally.

I am married to a wonderful man and someday I will be married to and will have been with Nick for longer than I've been without him (June 13, 2021 to be exact). We will be with each other for the rest of our lives. It's an amazing feeling that didn't really hit me until our "staycation" honeymoon when I cried that afternoon in our hotel room, holding on to my new life. I was a wife celebrating her marriage to her husband and the overwhelming non-change change just threw me. It still hits me hard sometimes and it always surprises me the most when people ask me how married life is. It's not exactly the same but I can't very well tell this story can I?

I also am now deeply affected by any sad/happy stories about married couples. Whether reading a story about the death of a spouse or a child or just thinking about how hard it must have been for immigrants to leave their families behind, I get upset. Thinking about how my great-great great granduncle (or whatever he was) left his wife and traveled on the world's largest unsinkable ship to America, I get teary. I know how Fahim Leeni must have felt when he left his wife of four month for something better. I know how people feel when they are separated from their spouses. I know this because I know this feeling, I know how people feel when they are together.

How's married life?

It's about the same.

4 ... | leave a message


:: 2010 13 October :: 5.52 pm

I'm getting married in a week.

leave a message


:: 2010 2 September :: 1.16 am

HOW IS IT SEPTEMBER ALREADY




This freakout brought to you by wedding stress. For when you really want to stay up all night worrying about shit you could not care less about, there's wedding stress!

3 ... | leave a message


:: 2010 8 July :: 2.12 am

This is where I just keep talking and you guys can leave at any time
I have sunburn for the second time in my life and it sucks even worse than the first time as I am not 10 years old and have to work. At least I only have sunburn on my back, shoulders and knees unlike poor Nick whose face is red and peeling. I learned long ago that the first place I put sunscreen on is my face, especially on my nose and ears.

I've been sick for about a week now, just congested and gross and haven't been able to taste food for that entire terrible week. I was starting to think I wouldn't be able to ever taste food again (I had nightmares about tasteless Popeye's chicken and I cried a little) so I went into the bathroom with half a box of Puffs and emerged victorious! I then ate some ham dip and Pita House for lunch.

Speaking of Puffs, how great is it to be a company that has become a household name. I almost typed Kleenex before realizing I bought Puffs (because the only Kleenex at Meijer were the ones with lotion which gross me out and don't have nice, pretty boxes (Great selling point, companies! You've got me down pat. I take these to work and I want to look stylish while I wipe my nose every five minutes.)) and I was thinking about proprietary eponyms. Kleenex, Jello, Google, Vaseline, Q-Tips, Frisbee, Band-Aid, Velcro, Thermos...even Hi-Lighter. It's very interesting how our language has absorbed brand names as actual words. Maybe I'm just watching too much Mad Men.

I took a break from wedding planning for a week or two because I was having dreams about it and stressing out. Now I'm just more overwhelmed because apparently invitations are to be sent out 8 weeks before the wedding (which is the last weekend in August and OMFG IT IS JULY ALREADY WTF YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN TIME KTHX) and I keep having to explain to people (at work) that yes, I'm getting married, no he hasn't proposed. After 6 years, we knew we were going to do this, I don't need some hard consolidated mineral matter (thanks, princeton.edu!) on my finger to know that it's happening. Also, Nick lost his job which means we will soon need a cheaper and less awesome place to live which makes me sad but means more wedding money which we seriously need because my parents have said in the past that they aren't paying for it because they paid for their wedding so I can pay for mine. Although my mom did offer to help out after I called to tell her Nick lost his job. And I might need that help after seeing the price of these places. And my mom is the best dealfinder to ever hit deals.

Have you ever planned a wedding by the way? I don't know why in the world people want to stretch these things out over 6 months or even over a year! I'm stressed out already and I only have to deal with this for 4 months. I talked to Nick about it and he got me to calm down and figure out priorities which immediately made me want to throw up but I'm getting things done, kids (while throwing up)! I'm not actually calling anyone (because it's 2am and I talk to people on the phone all day at work why would I want to do it for leisure) but I've sent out emails and I have a few days off next week so hopefully I can get the hardest parts (ceremony and reception location) out of the way so I can think about food and food. And Nick was completely useless but now that he has time he is very useful.

Okay, this is getting long and I want to go watch another episode of Mad Men before I hop in my oatmeal bath so I'll stop now.

I love you all.

1 ... | leave a message


:: 2010 24 June :: 2.05 pm

Nick lost his job.

They eliminated the entire department.

Talked to him, he said the wedding is still on. He actually said "Why wouldn't it still be on?"

He says we'll be okay. He gets severance and we'll be fine as long as we move out of our awesome expensive apartment.

Just crazy timing.

1 ... | leave a message


:: 2010 19 June :: 2.46 am

Nick and I set a date.

October 23, 2010.

No, he didn't propose yet. Yes, I'm crazy. Yes, I'm planning it already.

I just figured that if I'm going to get married by the end of the year, I should start planning. I made him set a date without formally proposing since I already know we're going to get married (and have known for years). Talking to my mom (she was naming places and planning and talking about dropping her dress off and food and who to invite...it was awesome), really kick-started the process.

I also realized time is flying by and it's almost July. Like I said, if I want to get this done this year, I should start planning now.

I'm not counting myself as engaged until the ring is on the finger but this is official, kids. I'm not joking.

I'm more excited about this than I think I will be about the proposal.

I love you all.

P.S. I wanted to get married earlier but Nick and I already have the days off of work for October (and we won't have the money by August or September) so I figured why not do it then. I hate that being an adult means planning our wedding around when we can get time off but it's better than never doing it!

P.P.S. I wanted October 10 because then it would be 10-10-10 and Nick would remember it easily. Also 101010 in binary? 42. Perfect. But Nick said he's not planning our wedding on a day "because it looks good in binary" and he sent me this:

public static main()
{
If (you == "robot")
{
Console.WriteLine("OMG!");
}
else
{
Console.WriteLine("Are you sure?);
}
}

P.P.P.S. I don't think Nick's mentioned it to his family yet. I kind of don't want to yet because his older sister just got engaged and I don't want to ruin her moment. Everyone should have a moment that is all about them. Like birthday week. I just told people at work because I was excited.

P.P.P.P.S. Nick's grandfather is doing okay. Thanks, everyone. They ended up not giving him bypass surgery and just putting stints in because they don't think he could handle bypass. However, they give him a good 3-5 years as he is so yay for mediocre health!

3 ... | leave a message


:: 2010 7 June :: 1.24 am

Nick's grandfather had a heart attack on Saturday and had a smaller one (without knowing it) earlier last week.

He's in the ICU with very low blood pressure and a very low pulse. He was going to have surgery tomorrow but his blood pressure is still very low and the blood thinners haven't left his system yet.

He's in the hospital up in Cadillac. As long as the surgery goes well, we will be visiting him later this week. Luckily, Nick and I both have some days off already scheduled (for our anniversary but whatever, family is first).

Happy thoughts would be welcome.

Love you kids.

4 ... | leave a message


:: 2010 31 May :: 2.56 am

Nick and I are moving to the Seattle area (Redmond or Bellevue, probably) next year.

This is as long as he finishes what he's doing at CC and gets accepted to the school he wants to go to out there. Both of which are very likely and probably most definitely will happen.

So, I'm already pretty nervous/excited about this. Moving out west means higher rent, higher gas prices, higher everything but it's what we've wanted to do for a long time and now we have the chance to do it. Plus it means maybe a scooter for me which ohmanissoexcitingkidsiamsoexcited.

Things I am currently nervous about:
The actual moving process
Moving our 2 cats
Finding a job
Finding a place to live

Any tips on cross-country or long distance moving between now and July 2011 would be appreciated. I have moved states before but only when I was too young to help out or know the logistics of the whole process. And it was never more than 6 hours away. Also, any Seattle advice would be welcomed with open arms.

I love you all.

P.S. This move means we definitely will get married this year. Exclamation point.

7 ... | leave a message


:: 2010 10 May :: 1.45 pm

I got an invite to my high school reunion. The thought of going makes me want to cry.

I just saw these people. I haven't changed. My hair is a little shorter, I guess. I got new glasses. I've been dating the same guy I dated in high school for almost 6 years now and I've been living with him for the past 3 years. I'm a supervisor in a call center. None of these things make me want to see these people.

Oh and look at what the invite says: "Remember parents, even though children aren't invited, bring pictures!!" SOME OF THESE PEOPLE HAVE KIDS. KIDS THAT I HAVE TO FEIGN INTEREST IN. I'M NOT EVEN ENGAGED. PUKE PUKE PUKE.

Also, if I wanted to reconnect or see any of these people, I'd already have done so.

That being said, I still haven't decided if I'm going.

2 ... | leave a message


:: 2010 15 April :: 2.16 am

I just want a crappy car (NOT TRUCK) that I can drive to work. Is that too much to ask for?

Craigslist is letting me down for the first time ever. All it has are trucks and winstars.

Nick won't let me get the mustang convertible for some reason.

2 ... | leave a message


:: 2010 11 April :: 2.52 am
:: Music: SHARKS IN VENICE on SyFy

wuzzupdate
Real quick because I don't really feel like writing but I do feel like you guys deserve an update.

I got a promotion at work after being here for 10.5 months. woo. I will now be making 65 cents more (plus shift bonuses). I've actually been acting in this position for a month so it's nothing new. I did it last November but I just realized I only mentioned this on my other blog so I better link to that so I don't have to explain anything because I'm feeling lazy.

Nick and I got awesome tax returns and put most of it away in our savings account for an engagement ring. So that should happen soon. I don't know, Nick's being vague about it. He's all "I have a plan" and "stop bugging me" and "I want to make it special". It's annoying.

I DVR'd both Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus and Mega Piranha. I've been wanting to watch the former for about a year now and the latter was just too good to pass up. I mean, seriously? Here's the synopsis on my DVR: "Giant mutant piranha escape from the Amazon and head for Florida." You know what? Just watch the trailers:
Read more..

And now I'm watching Sharks in Venice which has terrible Italian accents, Stephen Baldwin and the synopsis "A great white shark menaces the waterways of Venice." Oh and it wasn't even filmed in Venice. That was too hard. This soundstage is terrible and the music is even worse.

So I think that's it. I'll try to write more often but nowadays I sleep and work and I'm lucky if I have the energy to do anything else.

Still love you all, by the way.

P.S. I forgot to mention that today Stupid Cat not only pooped on the only rug in the bathroom but also peed on it right before I went to take a shower. He (it could have been the Other Cat, but I doubt it because he's not dumb) then proceeded to PEE AGAIN in the same spot (and waited until we got home to do it!!) because he is a jerk.

P.P.S. Before you try to diagnose Stupid Cat with some Stupid Urinary Infection or Stupid Bowel Disease, he did the first Stupid Move because their litter needed to be changed and the Second Stupid Dumbass Jerk Move because I apparently didn't get rid of the smell well enough and he's a big meenie.

P.P.P.S. Update from my Adventures in Wikipedia:
"Empire State of Mind got at most 20 million views on youtube (combining all the videos of the song together) They thought that this song was going to be a bigger success; however, only the east coast and the west coast knew about this song. This song was a failure due to the amount of views it got, they were desperate on youtube so they gave it acouple million more views than it originally had. Only 10 radio stations put this song on air in the whole entire world, only 10 radio stations had it on. Due to this, Jay Z quit singing and Alicia Keys retired aswell. Many were shocked and disappointed"

leave a message


:: 2010 10 January :: 3.01 am

I just watched Return to Me and then played some Assassin's Creed. I now have the world's strongest yearning to go back to Italy. Seriously.

I think Italian will be my next language to learn. After I finish my current goals, of course.


Oh, here are my New Year's whatevers:
(Check out that underline, this is official, kids.)

Read the Bible (that I've had since third grade) and blah-g about it.

Read the Qur'an (that I received from the wonderful CAIR) and blah-g about it.

Find a church that I like (and actually go and check it out). Current prospects: Fountain Street Church and Grand Rapids Friends.

Get married (ha ha, a girl can dream).


I love you all.

1 ... | leave a message


:: 2010 5 January :: 3.02 am

Things that make me happy
Nick did NOT propose to me on Christmas or on New Year's Eve. I have taught him well.

I have tomorrow off.

I switched a comp day with someone so I can have my birthday off and the guy was SO nice about it that I might make him cookies or something.

I received a cookbook and an apron for Christmas. Both of which I asked for and are awesome.

I still have my Christmas wreath up and I think Nick forgot it was there so I will keep it FOREVER.

I went to bed last night at 10:40pm and woke up at 8am.

My boss asked Nick and I out to dinner with him and his girlfriend.

It is my birthday month!

1 ... | leave a message


:: 2009 19 December :: 2.02 am

We learned today that we are getting Christmas bonuses! Yay! And then if I get my doing-my-job bonus, I will have money to pay bills and rent and school loans!

yay for crappy job that makes me feel grown up!

1 ... | leave a message


:: 2009 15 December :: 2.33 am

I should not eat when Nick is not around to edit my eating habits. He is asleep since he has to work at 7 am tomorrow.

Things I have eaten since Nick went to bed at 1:
Spaghetti with sauce and Parmesan cheese and green olives
Reheated TGIFriday's French fries (reheated in a pan with olive oil and crazy seasonings)
Green olives
Warmed up tortilla with above seasoning/spices and leftover oil along with garlic, sour cream and feta (the sour cream was a TERRIBLE idea... ugh)
More green olives
Snicker's bar

We don't have any food in the house. That is the main reason I ate a bunch of junk. Also I just went with my cravings. Usually Nick stops me before I add the sour cream. I am feeling really awful and would like to just throw everything up, please.

leave a message


:: 2009 30 November :: 4.06 am
:: Music: George of the Jungle

Recent thoughts with added emphasis
I like the idea of Montreal (much like one enjoys the idea having a baby but not the pushing it out of your own vagina part or the human being inside me thing or much like one may love the idea of organizing a bookshelf by color but not actually having said bookshelf (I cannot find any book I am searching for. Surprise, surprise, I do not remember my books by color.)) but that whole French thing always turns me off. Gravy and cheese curds on French fries? I am there. Calling it poutine? Sorry, I'll pass. Maybe next time. With bacon. And a not French name. Losers.

I think I might have mentioned it before but this I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant show is insane. How the fuck do you not know you are pregnant? "Oh I had missed my period two months in a row but I just thought it was stress." "I had a craving for tacos but I just like tacos, you know?" "I thought I had to poop and then a baby was in the toilet." What the fuck, kids? And they never have any prenatal care but the baby is always fine. While people who take care of themselves have sick babies. Also, what sexually-active woman is not hyper-aware of every single thing that is going on with her body period-wise?

I am having more and more dreams that involve someone sending me back to France for some reason. And I'm not allowed to leave for some other strange reason. Like I lose my passport or I lose a piece of luggage and cannot leave until it is found. I suppose that is what I get for speaking French all day.

Speaking of...speaking French, I think I speak more French in my average work day than I ever did during my 8 years of studying it in school. Probably even more than I did in an average day in France. I really hate myself for not speaking more French while I was there but whatever. I went to Budapest, bitches. French didn't matter. Now I talk about having votre numero de reservation and combien des chambres voudriez-vous and sorry, you need a carte de credit and who doesn't have an adresse email these days? My dreams are just filled with more French.

My sister is studying in Innsbruck, Austria next year. For the whole year. My mom didn't want her to go for the entire year because she didn't want to pay for Notre Dame with my sister not even being in the country but somehow they got over that. Also, next year is the motherfucking bicentennial of Oktoberfest so my friend and I were already planning on going to Munich. She lived in Germany for a long time and knows people we can stay with for free. We would only have to pay for airfare and food/drink money. My sister and I are planning a European tour since we can handle most countries with my French and her German.

I need to learn to play an instrument. I am thinking something terribly hipster like a ukulele or organ. I've always wanted a hurdy gurdy.

I have no clue what to get anyone for Christmas. Personne, kids. Not even Nick. It is terrible. I know what Nick wants but I can't buy him a 400 dollar laptop/netbook or whatever. And I can think of things I would like for him but nothing he would actually like. You know how guys are. I can think of about twenty things I think he would like but he would just say "oh, thanks." And not really enjoy them because it's nothing he wants. You know? And of course if you ask him what he wants, he never knows.

Nick does many things to annoy the heck out of me because he thinks it is cute when I'm mad. One of these is not putting the new toilet paper roll on the holder. He knows it drives me insane, so he doesn't do it. Every single time he does(n't do) it, I fake yell at him for it. It's what we do. It's our joke. Anyway, the other day, I was joking with him about it and he said he'll always do it. It's his thing, and it won't ever stop. And I said, "Just like it's never lupus." So today when I went to shout at him about it, he said, "It's never lupus."

I am torn about Monk ending this week. It jumped the shark years ago but it has always been one of my favorite shows. I almost have Nick hooked on it but I think it will be like West Wing, I will talk about it for years and he won't watch it until it's OFN and then he'll fall in love with it and talk about it like it's something new.

I read about the newest game from Team Ico and it looks like it's going to be only for the PS3. This may be the game that forces my hand into buying a stupid PS3. Damn you, Team Ico. DAMN YOU.

Nick's parents got us an electric fireplace for Christmas (and already gave it to us, obviously) and it is awesome. The smart cat has only slept on it once so far but their favorite thing seems to being going behind it for some reason. Silly cats. We totally tripped a breaker with it already too. Which was bound to happen since it's on the same plug with the xbox and the router and the modem and the TV and the cable box and the surround sound and the Wii.

I've typed for about an hour now so I think that more than makes up for my silence. I'm out, kids.

I love you all &c.

P.S. I was watching Zero Punctuation's review of Modern Warfare 2 and the little line he always puts in the credits said, "I wonder what kind of gun fires with a noise that most closely approximates the word 'BANG.'" I read this to Nick and he replied, wittily, "An onomato-P9." This is why I want to marry this kid.

P.P.S. Earlier today, we were eating pizza and watching Away We Go and we couldn't find the TV remote. We looked everywhere but it was nowhere to be found. Finally, after the movie was over (98 minutes after it was lost) and we began a hardcore-retracing-steps mission. This mission was quickly completed when Nick found the remote in his pocket. This is why I will keep this kid around.

2 ... | leave a message


:: 2009 19 October :: 2.04 am

Oh, Wikipedia, you slay me
"Vaughn dated two of his The Break-Up co-stars: actress Joey Lauren Adams during the filming of 1999's A Cool, Dry Place[9] and jon favreau between 2005 and 2006."

Ha ha. I'm totally not fixing that. That's awesome.

Also, in the discussion:
"This article seems incomplete without some mention and/or photo of his weird right thumb."

and

"Vince looks part black...he has some skeletons in the closet. he looks quadroon to me like he has black grandma"

leave a message


:: 2009 16 October :: 7.32 pm

Speaking of...
Look what I noticed today, kids!

Read more..

2 ... | leave a message


:: 2009 15 October :: 6.52 pm

I just unsubscribed from a wedding blog because they offered the most retarded wedding tip ever: "Etiquette strictly forbids listing where you've registered on your invitations, so enlist your families, bridesmaids and groomsmen to spread the word - tactfully, please!"

What. How does that make sense? That's just rude. Everyone knows you want gifts and that you registered somewhere. Making them ask you or someone else about it is just rude.

In other news, I'm thinking maybe I should clean up my RSS feeds. I last checked them at 5 am this morning and I now have 53 unread items. Omg.

7 ... | leave a message


:: 2009 7 October :: 12.58 am

Jaunty
I downloaded Ubuntu today. It is pretty cool.

Except a bunch of things didn't install correctly or automatically so I spent the first two hours fumbling around the internets and learning new things by stumbling blindly into terms I'd never heard before in my life.

I did get to relive fun DOS times in a place called Terminal. It made me feel like I was 6 again and booting up Lion King Print Studio. I never printed anything, we didn't have a printer. I just made cards. And didn't save them. P.S. Windows 3.1 and that cat/mouse cheese game, you will always have a special place in my heart.

Anyway, Ubuntu. It is good. And gorgeous. And my computer does not chug up or burn my fingerprints off.

And that, children, is progress.

P.S. I don't know where Ubuntu is getting its weather reports from but it is eerily accurate. It was raining earlier and it said rain. Then it stopped and was very windy and it said windy and cloudy. Now it started raining again and it says it is raining. I may never have to leave the house again.

5 ... | leave a message

Woohu.com | Random Journal