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Il n'y a pas de crainte dans l'amour

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godessalthena

:: 2018 15 July :: 10.39am

I don't want to live because the pain in my heart often feels too much to bear

but I also kinda am looking forward to the grown up things

but I also have a very strong feeling I'm too sad inside to be a good mother. that this pain will make me terrible yo my kids and make them resent me in the future, or come out damaged like me. and how could I protect them from what happened to me?

there isn't a way. but if that happened to them? how could I ever forgive myself?

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godessalthena

:: 2018 14 July :: 12.01am

the loneliness it's rather soul crushing

and it isn't for a lack of people who would listen

I just have no words to express my thoughts or feelings

I just want to fade into nothingness until all there is of me is a bitter memory... I feel so small and utterly insignificant because I am.

and so alone inside like I was made missing something I can never have.

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godessalthena

:: 2018 12 July :: 7.35am

I know you won't ever admit it, but I know it's the booze.

seeing bill Burr this weekend with my bestie in Seattle as her day gift.

my cars timing cover is jacked, $700+ repair after the $1,000 I put into it since my bday. it's only a 2012 :( I should have done more research. apparently this cover issue could have caused all the other shit that broke so thankfully CarMax is doing these repairs for free!

also the lady who sold me my car did the warranty wrong so I got a bonus 25,000 miles on my warranty! hellaaaaaa

hopefully this is the last thing went with it for a while. I got this car to be more reliable than my last and now I've spent more money on this 2012 than my 1996 Nissan or my 1992 Mercury.

next car I get I want it to be an ultra smooth ride with no inside sound with as sun roof. it's going to have being inside and underneath. it'll be some time of El Camino or maybe just an Ute.

keep dreaming dreamers

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godessalthena

:: 2018 9 July :: 10.58pm

my boss complimented my better attitude today

but said she wasn't sure if it was sincere and it's like what does it even matter I'm smiling I'm cracking jokes people are happy that's what you want so let's just don't worry about the deeper parts

everything that could have gone wrong cooking tonight did but it still turned into wonderful

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godessalthena

:: 2018 2 July :: 1.57pm

my sleeve is FINALLY FINISHED

after 5 years and 48 hours of work this beautiful creation has all the pieces filled.

but he use two different blacks and half is in the new black and half is in the old (the old stuff looks kinda grew, like graphite). I kinda want him to go other all the lines again but fuuuuuck


this last appointment was definitely the most painful (possibly second after the elbow, but I don't quite remember if it was worse or not)

he also touched up my totoros and back stars so they look a lot more clean and vibrant!

I love all of them. I'm so happy it's finally done :)

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godessalthena

:: 2018 29 June :: 10.47pm

why do I still try

don't try

it doesn't matter either way

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godessalthena

:: 2018 27 June :: 1.51pm

I know how to cope with my depression, I know I can't dwell on my set backs, but I was really, really counting on at least getting an interview, and now you tell me they've hired everyone they want to for now.

but it's not ok to be upset about that.gotta just keep moving forward like a cold unfeeling robot arm.

I'm so fucking sick of all this. just leave me alone. I am shutting myself away so none of you have to feel compelled to give me any more advice I didn't ask for, or more negative words that I don't need, or telling me to do shit I'm not fucking going to do.

IM DRIVING MY OWN GOD DAMNED BUS AND I WILL BE AS FUCKING SAD AS I WANTO TO BE ABOUT WHATEVER I WANT TO BE SAD ABOUT.

I'm not asking for help. my experience is my responsibility. I'm not asking to be lifted up and told fluffy lies about myself.

just leave me be and let me rot alone in absurdity.

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godessalthena

:: 2018 26 June :: 7.04am

finally got rid of my Facebook, feels good to get rid of Zuckerberg's robot lizard eyes in my life.

I got accepted to start working from home, so hopefully I will start feeling better about work. I won't have to try and dodge questions about how I am or how my weekends went. I won't have to wear uncomfortable clothing and starve all day. I will be able to go for a walk and a park instead of a huge parking lot next to the Comcast building.

what I really need is a hug and to be held. I wish someone could tell me everything is going to be alright, but I know it isn't at this point.

I'm trying to accept the facts that I will never feel rested again and that the world will always be a horrible depressing place as long as other humans exist in it. humans are the worst. we aren't special, so stop thinking we are.

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godessalthena

:: 2018 25 June :: 8.45pm

sometimes I'd be nice for words and not just gifs.

idk. I both love and hate the internet.

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godessalthena

:: 2018 25 June :: 3.12pm

my boss told me to keep my promotion I need to be happy at work

I told her to fucking take both the raise and promotion and shove it up LM's asshole because I'm not going to fake it so management can have the warm and fuzzies.

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godessalthena

:: 2018 24 June :: 8.45am

when everything inside looks like everything you hate

there is no hope for change
there are no chances to take

I'm on fire burning at the absurdity

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godessalthena

:: 2018 22 June :: 7.05pm

stupid piece of shit white skin.

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godessalthena

:: 2018 22 June :: 9.51am

on vacation trying to have a good time

feeling like a piece of shit failure

I hate being alive

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godessalthena

:: 2018 14 June :: 6.55pm

I want to offer my condolences to anyone who doesn't have a sister or isn't on close terms with their sisters...

because I absolutely love my sister and I would be so lost without her. it's a special connection between sisters, especially when you grow up close in age.

we might not talk every day or see each other all the time, but she always has my back and I always have hers. she helps me see insights into myself I wouldn't have otherwise, and always comforts me even when there isn't anything else to be done.

I just hope she knows that she is the most precious gem I know

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godessalthena

:: 2018 12 June :: 10.51pm

you know you are pathetic when.....


you can't sleep because you are busy thinking about the shitty escalated call out you have to make because another senior representative couldn't do their fucking job.

why is she not held to the same standards as the newer seniors? why are none of them?

WHY DO THEY GET PAID MORE FOR FUCKING UP EVERYTHING THEY TOUCH!?!!

I need a fucking vacation... starting in T minus 3 days and counting down...

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godessalthena

:: 2018 12 June :: 4.02pm

there isn't anything more than empty conversations filled with empty words.

I keep waiting for someone to save me. I know I have to save myself. I'm too weak. I'm too worthless.im too meek.

all these suicides in the news, and all I can do is longingly dream of the day that I might find peace.




my childhood and adult traumas have led me down this road where I constantly try so hard to have people love me and remain loyal to me. as a kid people told me I was creepy for trying too hard. all I wanted was a friend, to not feel alone,to maybe have the abuse stopped or at least have a sympathetic ear. now as an adult once I do find a friend I try too hard. I let my friends and lovers take advantage of my kindness, my generosity, my time, and I rarely get anything in return, I rarely ask anything in return.

I don't ask, because my needs aren't as important as everyone else's. if I try to cry in front of someone to maybe get a little sympathy, maybe not feel so isolated, I just get pushed even further away by harsh words of judgment. or they run away, afraid of someone else's feelings.


as a child I was cast away to the isle of solitude. there was no devil there waiting for me, a monster I could befriend. instead it was just an empty rock poking out of the bottom of the ocean, and here I still reside, waiting for the day I no longer count another day.

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godessalthena

:: 2018 11 June :: 9.40am

let me paint in ultraemotion

let me set this thing to hyperfeeling

sentimentality is running high and we have a nostalgia super bonus saved up

just know that you did touch my heart deeply, I think about you constantly and I hope whatever pain is in your heart finds a little peace somewhere in this endless blue sky.

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godessalthena

:: 2018 8 June :: 2.31pm

cicadas chripping in the heart of the day

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godessalthena

:: 2018 8 June :: 9.50am

Sometimes I go about in pity for myself, and all the while a great wind carries me across the sky.

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godessalthena

:: 2018 15 May :: 9.41am

it's a placebo kinda day

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