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| HollishDanishM (profile) wrote, on 5-30-2004 at 10:37pm | |
| Music: Tom Jones- Burning Down the House Subject: fakedy fake |
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| I deleted the entry I had posted before, it wasn't me. For anyone who caught a glimpse of it, I was just trying to sound cool- it isn't me. Why should I be trying to convince people, that I am not who they think I am. I like the person I have grown into, most of the time anyway, why change it. I know that there are people out there who have a better sense of writing, a more interlectual side of thinking, that I am always trying to fuse from them, but it doesn't mean anything. Sometimes it's not so much what you write, it's what you feel. We always nag people for the fakeness they pocess, but really we are all just as fake. I faked my journal entry, you faked your loyalty to someone, it's all the same in the end. I was just watching Degrassi, for anyone wondering there is a marathon going on right now. This episode was the one where Craig's abusive father dies. I remembered watching it before, but I never really thought about it much. I remember before I was mainly just like "Wow, that could never happen." "No dad is really like that, mentally or physically". But isn't it funny, how your opinion can change so drastically the second time around? That always happens to me. Even if your soul hasn't changed, I think your brain expands constantly. Even if I cannot and will not compare my relationship with my father, to Craig's relationship with his father, it's not so far-fetched. I would like to say that I tried with my dad, that I really, truly tried to connect with him emotionally. But that would be lying, and lying is against God's will, and I am not one to disagree with God. I just always felt, and still do to this day, that he is the one to gain my trust. He lost it, I didn't. I know a lot of people do not have very good relationships with their fathers, but that's not so much it; I don't feel like I know my dad. I don't even think it's the Atlantic Ocean between us. There is this big clump, that either of us needs to break. And it is not going to be me. I feel him slipping away. When you're a little dumbass you don't notice. "Daddy, pleaaaaase I really want it." That's all it was. It wasn't a relationship, but it wasn't a burden either. As much as I don't need my dad, there are just certain aspects of my life I wish we did share. Doesn't every girl want a dad? It's getting really hard. It's getting really hard. I remember, when I was younger, and I would stick up for my dad. In any situation. He never did any good, but I made it good. I could make anything alright in my mind. I got so jealous when Ms. Frei was talking wonders about her father. I got madly jealous. My dad has nothing, except a huge chunk of change, that could make me admire him. He was the one person I trusted to be my hero, my one person to look up to, and he dissapointed me. Millions of times. I know it doesn't sound like a big deal, but it is. To those of you (the few who are reading this) who feel that they are in a similar situation, I feel for you. I really do. That was blood honest entry. I hope you enjoyed it. It was uncensored, un cut. That was just me. Knock knock, Met |
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brownsugar | 05-31-04 10:46am yknow. that was one of the realest entries i ever saw u write.
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