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mle (profile) wrote,
on 11-12-2005 at 9:35am
Current mood: . rock bottom .
Music: . relient k . when i go down .
. shh - i'm hiding .

wow. i am so fucked.

yesterday was a good day. not scholastically productive, but good. i drove around, taking care of errands, with the moonroof open, sun shining in, singing along (very loudly) to my mix cds, had lots of caffeine.. then i came home and found out i won a small study abroad scholarship from the honors college. awesome.

i don't even know where to begin, kiddies.
i seriously want to just throw in the towel. it's pretty fucking obvious that i can't do anything right. i can't hold myself accountable to anything. i'm pretty much just a fucking waste of space, air, and way too much food.
it's at the point where i don't even know what to do with myself. like... i just want to lie in bed with the sheets over my head. not cry. not talk. nothing. just lie there, waiting for this life to take its course and be done.

even better: i just want to go home. the drive there would sober me up (because i'm currently drunk on depression.. ), and then i could cook my own food, clean my clothes, lock myself in my room, and look out the window. or cruise the backroads. wow i miss home. i always tell people i'm homesick.. but i'm not really homesick. i mean, i go home quite a bit, and i see my parents at least once a week...
i just miss the feeling of freedom.
when i'm here, i have to be perky any time i leave my room or have the door open. when i have the door shut, i feel like a bad mentor, like i'm hiding from the world (which i am).

why am i such a failure at life?
this isn't how it was supposed to work out.
all i want is to acheive something.. at this point, anything...

so let's review:
i'm bombing all of my classes
it's too late to reverse it
my room is trashed
work stresses me out
i'm broke
i'm stupid as fuck
i'm disgusting
i can't control myself
the guy i kinda like just screwed 2 girls at once
but i really don't like him. he just pays attention to me. and sleeps in my bed on occasion.
my big is too busy dating my friend
i'm a fat mess
i'm always too busy, yet never get anything done
i'm ugly
i hate 99% of my clothes
my parents stalk me
i am a bad, bad person.
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11-13-05 2:07am

you're a good person, who doesn't always do the best thing.

but you are doing the best you can with what you've got.

and that's all the more anyone can ask from you.

as far as the freedom feeling goes, i haven't nabbed down how to do that one on command just yet. but i know that whenever i get a chance to feel it, i stop feeling guilty and just let myself enjoy it.

and when it doesn't come around, i know it will.

we should be college kids together. i'm quite certain i'll be in town for thanksgiving. i know you're busy and all, and i don't want to add to the business. but if you want someone objective, who won't think you're out of your mind, no matter what you say... i'm your man.

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