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imaqinary (profile) wrote,
on 10-15-2006 at 6:38pm
Current mood: hopeful
Music: Dolphins game on t.v
High Hopes... Too high?

Are my hopes too high in life?
I would really like to know the answer to that question... I mean.. The least of my hopes is wanting the Dolphins to win. I want to go to Juilliard, the best performing arts school in the U.S. I'm hoping we move really soon. I'm hoping that Alyssa and I are together forever.
Is it all too much to be hoping for?
My dreams are really big... are they too big?
I'm dreaming to be a Broadway singer. I dream of Alyssa and I getting through all of this.
Broadway? Is it too much to dream for? Too high? 1500 miles... is that too much distance for a relationship? I have my days where I think nothing is too big or too high for me, but then, like always, there are the negative days. The days where I don't believe I sing good enough, don't believe I'm a good enough girlfriend. I don't know anymore. I try so hard at everything I do, but maybe it's not hard enough.
I want to be the perfect daughter, the perfect teenager in general. I want to be the perfect singer, the perfect actress, the perfect dancer. But most importantly, I want to be the perfect friend and girlfriend.
Alyssa means everything to me. I want to be everything she wants, but I can't. It's really hard. I hang out with Anjane & Aly to take my mind off of being sad but I end up sad anyway because Alyssa gets mad at me. I try though. Really, I try. Of course I'm going to make mistakes, although I hate the fact that I do. I really wish I was perfect. Then I wouldn't get into fights with anyone, I wouldn't be criticized. Everyone would like me and no one would be mean to me. It would be amazing. I could do no wrong. Then, & only then, I could be everything and then some that Alyssa wants.
But, I can't. I can't be as perfect as I dream to be. I'm sorry for that. I can't look as perfect as I want. I can't act as perfect, sing as perfect. I can't always say the right thing. I'm sorry.

Enough with my philosophical rant though. Two months until I can see her beautiful face in person again. I miss it so much. Being able to hold her and kiss her, whenever I wanted almost. It seems like she's been mad at me a lot. I don't really know what I do, but I guess that's where the "not being perfect" thing comes into play. There are going to be plenty of things I do wrong. I'm sorry in advance. I wish I was perfect but I can only change myself so much, & even then I still wouldn't be perfect.

I love you so much baby & I want to be with you forever. Really.

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hello, 10-15-06 7:04pm

Hi. As of now im only anonimous. I hope its not to late n life to start a journal though wich i will be doing reel soon. anyway all i do everyday is cruiz journals and its like either fate or like...coinsidence (sp?) that urs is one journal i normaly read. your part of the reason im making my worry too much about being supper perfect. you should know better. nobody is ever perfect. you woold go mad. you have amazing dreams wich i admire, but dont let the fact that your seting the bar high make you question your ability. if you think about it there has to have been plenty of peeple who have had even bigger dreams who have alredy did them. it sucks that i havent heard you sing before, and it sucks that i dont know anything about your life aside from what you write, but personly i think your just mega stressing over stuff. yes its a lot to dream about, but its not impossibly too much. your destiny is in your hands. wich is cool cause if you really want something there is nothing in the world that can stop you. its a mattar of beileeving in yourself. i know you cant do this alone, but sometimes you gotta realize that sometimes its nessasary. i know im just some ranting stanger, and of course this may seem super weird hehe. I mean you no harm though. just another online person lookin for a few buddies..hehe...thank you for giving me a reason to start one of these journal thingies, when i make one ill let you know. names kent from NJ. hope you dont think im weird..hehe..try to look on the briter side of things and just believe in yourself...only you can make yourself all better.

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Its not you, 10-15-06 11:52pm

I should be the one apologizing. Baby, you dont do anything to me, your not the one that gets me mad, you dont do anything wrong to me. Its my fault. Its all my immature doings. I just hate life right now cause i feel so alone, i hate the fact i cant see you as often as i did before. Your pretty much the only person i talk to and i guess i take my stress out on you. I have no one here, i have no one, except you. And when i call you and your doing something i get aggitated because i want someone to talk to, someone to be there for me. But i guess i just have to understand you cant be there for me as much as before. I really wish you could, but Im asking for too much. I hate arguing too, baby, i try, i really, really do try to stop starting the fights. i cant help it. I have so much anger bottled up inside, and nowhere to let it all out. I know no one's really perfect but your perfect for me. Your everything i ever, ever wanted and so much more. I couldnt ask for anything better. I hate myself for treating you the way i do, im really sorry. im just a jerk, im an idiot. Ill try not to argue as much, but like you said...its inevitable.
Dolphins are never gonna win..they just suck...No hopes for them.
Your dreams are high, but i know you can do it. I REALLY do believe you can do it. I told you already..i see you try to study more, i hear your beautiful singing, i see your effort, you have thte potential to do it. i KNOW you can do it. your amazing baby. Ms.Romero knows you can do it, Anjane does, Leslie, ALOT of people do...People see how badly you want it. And they KNOW you can do it. Youll get in it, i know you will. Your gonna make an awesome performer. So dont worry about it anymore.
As for us being together....we'll be together forever. I love you, you love me...their wouldnt be a reason for us to breakup. I know you wouldnt cheat on me, never lie to me again, Love me forever....Same thing for me. This distance (1500) isnt gonna break us up. i wanna be with you. Nothing will ever get me to breakup with you. No matter if you cheated on me or lied to me. I would find a way to work it out because i love you and i would do anything to stay with you. I REALLY, TRULY, love you. we're not gonna break up so dont worry about it. So lighten up baby, all your dreams will come true..i know they will.

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