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|mudpiegrl (profile) wrote, |
on 12-30-2009 at 5:42pm
|Current mood: melancholy
Music: Zero 7
Subject: But if the adversary of all evil
Was courteous, thinking of the high effect
That issue would from him, and who, and what,
To men of intellect unmeet it seems not.
|Where am I?
Where am I?
What am I doing?
I am nowhere doing nothing.
d . u ` . s . ` ' , t . ` ' . . ` ,` ' ... `; ' `;` ` .. ` . : . ` `. . ``
No one around.
Nay, only a mirage.
Surely people come here several times in their life; they arrive often in intervals, like Miami and the Bahamas witness during spring breaks and summer vacations.
But always alone.
You are always alone.
Maybe I'm growing up. Why am I doing this? I don't know. I just know that I have and I'm only doing it because it seems right. "Would you like to come over?" Yes. But only because it sounds familiar. The experience, however, is alien. The truth is that I could not be more confused.
I need a job; this I know. But where? Hm. I feel useless, for sure.
And why-why is anyone friends with me? I can easily answer this for Campy or Jessica. Drinking buddy or errand buddy. They call so they don't have to do things alone. We're not truly friends, because when it comes down to it, that's all it is. J could care less about my confusion, particularly because she has an "awesome friend group" and "loves [her] friend group soooo much". Bug and Q are their own. All I really serve to either is someone to hang out with in VH, and the occasional art discussion with Bug. Napoleon has been talking badly about me before he left for China, and now comes back and we're friends again???
I admit, this is probably just how I feel. All of this isn't necessarily true. But I've realised that neither Danny nor Maggie has anything to gain from my friendship. And it's awesome when either call me or hang out with me. I couldn't feel happier than after a good discussion with either.
I've narrowed it down to their understanding of life. Danny doesn't need to drink to feel accepted and is perfectly happy doing his own thing. He's happy with what he has and does his best not to complain. Maggie is happy because she makes sure she is happy. She loves her kids and she loves life itself. These are the kind of people with whom I need to surround myself, not petty, picky people who judge and condescend and treat me badly.
So in the interim, what do I do? Read.
I read to not hear about the shop. I read to learn about somewhere else. To escape. But why don't I just get a damn job and leave? I should.
I will have Jessica come over as soon as my g-ma leaves to help me with my cover letters. And I'll call Ruby Tuesday the day after the New Year. Holidays are not good business days for finding jobs.
Maybe I'll call Danny again. I am super afraid of annoying him. I'd really like to keep him around. He's a good person, and a very good friend.
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